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7 years ago  ::  May 16, 2008 - 5:57PM #11
starry_heaven
Posts: 33
[QUOTE=RogueHistorian;501702]Thank you both for the wonderful positive input.  Naomi69 Im sorry about your sister. Paxil is a horrible thing, I was on it once and other than the mind fog I gained 40lbs in 2 months!  I know that currently I am depressed, but my body doesnt tollerate any of the antidepressants out there (trust me Ive been on most of them at one time or another in college due to depression and gained weight on everysingle one!) Im on buspar now for anxiety, we'll see how that goes, its been a week as of tommrow....
Karyn, I believe verymuch in angels, I talk to mine often.  Perhaps I need to ask for the help rather than just talk about the issues eh? 

I finally told "bob" about the statement my sister said about him.  He was furious, as I expected him to be.  I assured him that wasnt an option. He is very concerned about my being "moping around" and "sad".  I explained to him some of the things that have been bothering me and he simply told me I needed to let go of it.  He also said that I sounded selfish wanting to do my own thing but he knew at the same time that it wasnt fair for so much to fall on me like it has.  We talked about some other issues that had come up between he and I last night that dont have any direct bering on this whole event, but has been bothering me.  Im not sure I feel better, but at least I understand why he has been acting so distant. 

I will steer away from antidepressants due to the sideefects and try to get that much needed break.  My dad's new thing is "you live here so you have to do the work not your sisters" Nice huh.   He's home this week now, by the way and mom's insurance denied her the rehab care she needs but approved the nursing home. So we will find out today or tommrow where that will be.
Thanks agin for the positive input. I needed to know that I wasnt being selfish afterall....[/QUOTE]
Modern institutions and solutions such as public health care & insurance, welfare & social workers are a welcomed relief compared to what existed many years ago. Private and charitable health care organizations have always been limited in what they can provide and accomplish. Count your blessings, count your lucky stars. It could be worse. Progress and alternatives are what they are and are open to debate and recycling efforts. It depends upon your point of view and past experiences good, bad or indifferent.
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7 years ago  ::  May 16, 2008 - 6:17PM #12
starry_heaven
Posts: 33
[QUOTE=starry_heaven;504158]{{{{{  God puts people, places, and things in our lives to strengthen us.   }}}}

I believe people and trials and tribulations come and go for a reason and not neccessarily to make us stronger. They are more likely a test beyond mankind's comprehension. Not all trials, tribulations, adverse situations and circumstances are god sent or sent to mankind for a good or prosperous reason mankind would be able to relate to or understand. Only God knows the reason why. Only divine reasoning would be able to provide man with an answer.[/QUOTE]
Overcoming and surviving adversities in life may not be a struggle or an accomplishment for everyone. Not everyone gets it or can gain something from struggling through life adversities. Overcoming & surviving home health care or home health care workers may not be quite a feat for all.
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7 years ago  ::  May 16, 2008 - 7:35PM #13
starry_heaven
Posts: 33
[QUOTE=RogueHistorian;489514]Let me introduce me to begin with, Im 31, I live with my parents (due to financial reasons soon to be remidied) work two jobs as a firefighter and am one of 3 surviving children.  (one sis lives 12 miles away the other 12 hours away).  I have a boyfriend, whom I love dearly and who has been in my life for almost a year now (a record for me and a miracle because no one wants to date a female firefighter... I digress)
Anyhow life was going pretty good last year until August 13th.  My mom (age 64 now) fell and broke her knee cap.  Not a big deal the docs said, we'll fix her right up and she'll be as good as new.
Wrong.
She spent 54 days in the hospital with a wound that wouldnt heal.  They sent her home with a huge gaping hole in her leg where we could see the bone and all the hardware. The skin grafts didnt work, the HBO chamber damaged her hearing, and the bone was slow to heal.  VERY SLOW.  My dad and I have never really gotten along, but after mom's fall we have been fighting like crazy.   My stress levels were up in the fall, and I was crying all the time.  I refuesed to let the boyfriend know how bad it was at home at that time (later at the suggesstion of my preacher I did but I'll get to that)  My dad put alot of the keeping mom  on he and I.  My youunger sister "mary" was pregnate and then she had a c section so she couldnt help the family said. So it was just me and dad and my grandfather some but my grandmother was in a nursing home after a major stroke several years ago.....  I was trying to work and be the house keeper and alot more.... My job was suffering and all my family would say was "screw your job family is all that matters".  I have to work to pay bills DUH!  I tried to get out on my own, but money was a huge issue.  (that pesky credit card should be paid off in december/january so then I might just be able to make it on my own with my two jobs)
In December of last year, mom went back into the hospital for 73 more days with a bone infection.  She had just about given up.  My younger sister "mary" brought her new baby to cheer her up to no avail. Finally we got her to want to try and she came home.  She was doing better, getting around with a walker and we have a sitter a couple days a week so dad and I can work.   (dad has his own business and works lots of hours) ANYHOW, my younger sister wasnt really helping me keep mom and dads house up when she came to sit with mom she just played with the baby and when he slept she did too.  Id come home and the place would be a wreck.  To top it off Dad and I still fought and he went around and told every one that I dont do anything, he wants me to quit my second job (I already quit my volunteering that I loved dearly)  and he puts me on constant guilt trips telling me that I "dont want to help" and that he doesnt care whos feelings he hurts or whos toes he steps on all that he cares about is momma.....
Well so its been going, then my grandmother had another stroke and died the following week.  (it was moms mom) My older sister "Kara" came in for the funeral AND dad's knee replacement surgery.
I told mom at this point that I was maxed out, that I couldnt handle any more.  I was emotionally and physically exausted. 
Dad had his surgery that monday, mom fell from her walker on wednesday and broker her hip.  That was last week.
Dad is doing great, mom is doing fair she is not really trying to do therepy.
Im about to have a nervous break down.  My sister was with her when she fell so at least I didnt get blamed. 
Kara spends the night at the hospital with her, my aunt "sara" comes by often and visits, and I go by as I can.  With working 24 hr shifts every third day and 8hr shifts the others, I dont get much time off. 
THe family is trying to tell me that my days off from both jobs is theirs to plan. Im already on edge and need a break.  I told them this, its been almost a year, the stress is about to get me fired, my boyfriend is fed up with the entire situation and is kinda backing off now, and Im about to loose what mind I had left. 
When Kara goes home next week its all gonna fall on me and dad.  My grandfather is going to visit his biological daughter for two weeks and wont be there to help.  Mary wont do much because of the baby. 
Im about to crack.  My BP is outragious, and I shake all the time now from nerves.  My doc has put me on BP meds and an anti anxiety drug for the time being but I dont want to be on drugs for ever.  know what I mean?
Im the only unmarried child and the only one with out kids so Im told by the family that Im EXPECTED to do more. Mom said its not fair but no one else seems to care. Im being told to give everything up and no one else is. Im so upset its crazy.  No one else has been asked to quit a job, leave their betterhalf, or "sacrifice just a lilttle more".  Kara and Mary said that if my boyfriend "bob" was anykind of a man he would let me put him on the backburner until things got better then he would still be there for me.  Im like what kind of nonsense is that? its been almost a year and we're starting all over with this mess!!! How can I ask him to go and then just wait for me?  I cant and I wont.  Ive finally found someone I love dearly and who loves me as much Im going to hang on with all Ive got!  They said Im selfish, I say its self preservation at this point to need to get out of the situation for a while.  Kara said "you'd better do it before I leave or you cant".
Im physically and emotionally empty now. Ive done all I can do and cant do no more as it were.  Im trying to find a place I can afford with my money in the mess its in, and all my parents say is well you'll have to come back to do this and that you know.  So with gas at what it is a gallon why would I move to town (20 miles away) to come back every afternoon to so this and that?  I cant afford a place and the extra gas too. 
ok I vented. 
Am I selfish for feeling this way.  Im plagued with guilt over this and dont know what to do. Im about to loose everything Ive fought to get over this crisis and my family seems okay with it.
anyhow thanks for letting me vent, Ive been praying about this but nothing has gotten better in the past several months, only worse. Though dads knee surgery going well has been a SUPER blessing (thank you God!!)
*sigh*
anyone else in a position like this?[/QUOTE]
The concept of "tough love" which requires people to venture forth into the world when they may be unprepared, incompetent, unwilling and unable to survive &  take care of themselves not to mention anyone who may be in need or incompetent themselves harms society and the already overburden health care and family care systems. It doesn't do anyone any good and adds to a neverending sea of humanity who are already sick or soon will be who then claim to be something or someone they are not. It creates a neverending viscious cycle of homelessness, poverty, fraudulent incompetency, poor health care for all and confusion.
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7 years ago  ::  May 17, 2008 - 2:45PM #14
starry_heaven
Posts: 33
[QUOTE=RogueHistorian;489514]Let me introduce me to begin with, Im 31, I live with my parents (due to financial reasons soon to be remidied) work two jobs as a firefighter and am one of 3 surviving children.  (one sis lives 12 miles away the other 12 hours away).  I have a boyfriend, whom I love dearly and who has been in my life for almost a year now (a record for me and a miracle because no one wants to date a female firefighter... I digress)
Anyhow life was going pretty good last year until August 13th.  My mom (age 64 now) fell and broke her knee cap.  Not a big deal the docs said, we'll fix her right up and she'll be as good as new.
Wrong.
She spent 54 days in the hospital with a wound that wouldnt heal.  They sent her home with a huge gaping hole in her leg where we could see the bone and all the hardware. The skin grafts didnt work, the HBO chamber damaged her hearing, and the bone was slow to heal.  VERY SLOW.  My dad and I have never really gotten along, but after mom's fall we have been fighting like crazy.   My stress levels were up in the fall, and I was crying all the time.  I refuesed to let the boyfriend know how bad it was at home at that time (later at the suggesstion of my preacher I did but I'll get to that)  My dad put alot of the keeping mom  on he and I.  My youunger sister "mary" was pregnate and then she had a c section so she couldnt help the family said. So it was just me and dad and my grandfather some but my grandmother was in a nursing home after a major stroke several years ago.....  I was trying to work and be the house keeper and alot more.... My job was suffering and all my family would say was "screw your job family is all that matters".  I have to work to pay bills DUH!  I tried to get out on my own, but money was a huge issue.  (that pesky credit card should be paid off in december/january so then I might just be able to make it on my own with my two jobs)
In December of last year, mom went back into the hospital for 73 more days with a bone infection.  She had just about given up.  My younger sister "mary" brought her new baby to cheer her up to no avail. Finally we got her to want to try and she came home.  She was doing better, getting around with a walker and we have a sitter a couple days a week so dad and I can work.   (dad has his own business and works lots of hours) ANYHOW, my younger sister wasnt really helping me keep mom and dads house up when she came to sit with mom she just played with the baby and when he slept she did too.  Id come home and the place would be a wreck.  To top it off Dad and I still fought and he went around and told every one that I dont do anything, he wants me to quit my second job (I already quit my volunteering that I loved dearly)  and he puts me on constant guilt trips telling me that I "dont want to help" and that he doesnt care whos feelings he hurts or whos toes he steps on all that he cares about is momma.....
Well so its been going, then my grandmother had another stroke and died the following week.  (it was moms mom) My older sister "Kara" came in for the funeral AND dad's knee replacement surgery.
I told mom at this point that I was maxed out, that I couldnt handle any more.  I was emotionally and physically exausted. 
Dad had his surgery that monday, mom fell from her walker on wednesday and broker her hip.  That was last week.
Dad is doing great, mom is doing fair she is not really trying to do therepy.
Im about to have a nervous break down.  My sister was with her when she fell so at least I didnt get blamed. 
Kara spends the night at the hospital with her, my aunt "sara" comes by often and visits, and I go by as I can.  With working 24 hr shifts every third day and 8hr shifts the others, I dont get much time off. 
THe family is trying to tell me that my days off from both jobs is theirs to plan. Im already on edge and need a break.  I told them this, its been almost a year, the stress is about to get me fired, my boyfriend is fed up with the entire situation and is kinda backing off now, and Im about to loose what mind I had left. 
When Kara goes home next week its all gonna fall on me and dad.  My grandfather is going to visit his biological daughter for two weeks and wont be there to help.  Mary wont do much because of the baby. 
Im about to crack.  My BP is outragious, and I shake all the time now from nerves.  My doc has put me on BP meds and an anti anxiety drug for the time being but I dont want to be on drugs for ever.  know what I mean?
Im the only unmarried child and the only one with out kids so Im told by the family that Im EXPECTED to do more. Mom said its not fair but no one else seems to care. Im being told to give everything up and no one else is. Im so upset its crazy.  No one else has been asked to quit a job, leave their betterhalf, or "sacrifice just a lilttle more".  Kara and Mary said that if my boyfriend "bob" was anykind of a man he would let me put him on the backburner until things got better then he would still be there for me.  Im like what kind of nonsense is that? its been almost a year and we're starting all over with this mess!!! How can I ask him to go and then just wait for me?  I cant and I wont.  Ive finally found someone I love dearly and who loves me as much Im going to hang on with all Ive got!  They said Im selfish, I say its self preservation at this point to need to get out of the situation for a while.  Kara said "you'd better do it before I leave or you cant".
Im physically and emotionally empty now. Ive done all I can do and cant do no more as it were.  Im trying to find a place I can afford with my money in the mess its in, and all my parents say is well you'll have to come back to do this and that you know.  So with gas at what it is a gallon why would I move to town (20 miles away) to come back every afternoon to so this and that?  I cant afford a place and the extra gas too. 
ok I vented. 
Am I selfish for feeling this way.  Im plagued with guilt over this and dont know what to do. Im about to loose everything Ive fought to get over this crisis and my family seems okay with it.
anyhow thanks for letting me vent, Ive been praying about this but nothing has gotten better in the past several months, only worse. Though dads knee surgery going well has been a SUPER blessing (thank you God!!)
*sigh*
anyone else in a position like this?[/QUOTE]
Caregivers aren't God even if they are only volunteers and family. They shouldn't try to convince anyone they are God because they obviously aren't. Time, distance, separation of the ill from the healthy or the ill from society in general can be the Christian and right thing to do. Progress & alternative medicine are what they are and subject to recycling.
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7 years ago  ::  May 17, 2008 - 8:15PM #15
Greenman
Posts: 18
[QUOTE=starry_heaven;505942]Caregivers aren't God even if they are only volunteers and family. They shouldn't try to convince anyone they are God because they obviously aren't. Time, distance, separation of the ill from the healthy or the ill from society in general can be the Christian and right thing to do. Progress & alternative medicine are what they are and subject to recycling.[/QUOTE]

Starry Heaven,  I don't think any of us believe that caregivers (professional or family volunteers)  are "God" .
I believe that "Caregivers", of both types, are compassionate people who seek to make lives and the world better.
There are no simple answers to "RogueHistorian's" letter. The best any of us can do is hold her in our hearts and prayers as we support her decisions.
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7 years ago  ::  May 20, 2008 - 3:27PM #16
RogueHistorian
Posts: 4
wow, talk about feedback! 
Green, the reason that I cant take anti depressants is the rapid weight gain I experience on them  My dr agrees that because my body responds to even the mildest ones in that fashion that I shouldnt be on them.   The depression, I believe, is situational.  My family believes (because of distant familymembers that have been comitted in the past) that Ive gotten those bad genes and that its not situational.  It upsets me so much to see my mom like this, its unreal.  I know there is still a LONG road ahead because her leg is going to have to be fused in several months due to the fact that the atrophy is so bad that she wont ever beable to straighten it again.
Had they amputated when she had the bone infection as the drs wanted to do (but she didnt) she would already be walking. even she'll admit that.  But thats neither here nor there at this point.
The depression has caused a rift between me and my boyfriend now too, he thinks that I can just snap out of it, but its not that easy. 
Starry I know that god puts us where he wants us, Im trying to have faith in that also.
Thanks again for the input yall!
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