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6 years ago  ::  Dec 02, 2008 - 3:21AM #1
Smeraldo1327
Posts: 61
I am so angry and sad. I've been sad and angry like this since I was in the 5th grade, I'm 23 now. My anger has ruined my life. I have lost friendships, jobs, relationships, and I never got along well with my parents. I know where my anger come from with my parents, and I'm a lot better now with them then I use to be...to some they would think this "better" relationship is still in a bad situation, but I know its not.

I have these arguments with the people I love in my head, and because of that I talk alll the time because I can't be in my head too much or I'll just bring myself to a bad place. It takes me so long to get over things, this seems to be a trait on my fathers paternal side of the family. I'm afraid I'll die from this at a young age like my relatives.

I come off like I'm strong but I am very defensive and sensistive. I am always feeling attacked by people. The few people in my life know this and its driving me crazy because once this is found out I leave any situation I am in. I can't keep living like this. My cats are the only reason I'm still here, for some reason I can't leave these little critters yet I'm ok with leaving my family and boyfriend.

I feel so unloved, ugly inside and out, I just hate myself. I think of things I have said in the past and I just want to die, I can't believe the things I say. Why do I attack the people I love the most? It's so weird, I put my anger towards people who love me so they end up having to leave me because I'm too much or I leave them before they can.

I don't want to be this way anymore. I don't believe I'll ever have any female friends, I just can't trust women, I never did and probably never will. I feel like a freak though because I know its taboo for a women not to have any female friends, but what can I do? I was always a tom boy and just "one of the guys", I really don't think I can ever get close with a female again..I can't trust them. I feel so weird that I have no female's in my life at all right now. None. I know it isn't "right" and it must irritate my boyfriend especially because his culture believes women with women, men with men...and he has made comments to me saying it isn't good that you have no women in your life. Which does not help.

Sorry for the long post, I just can't have anymore nights tossing and turning because I'm still arguing with someone in my head about an issue a year or two ago.

Are there any suggestions? I know I need therapy, but I can't afford that right now, and there is always "just let it go", but that is easier said then done, I've tried...I'm not the person who just "lets it go".

Thank you.
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 02, 2008 - 8:48AM #2
Chiyo
Posts: 5,799
Smeraldo -

You said that you can't afford therapy. There are avenues where you can get some therapy anyway, either on a sliding scale fee or even free. Try emailing or calling The National Alliance for Mentally Ill;

http://www.nami.org/

You don't have to be religious or even listen to proselytization, if you try Catholic Social Services. I can't seem to find one, single and representative site - but they're all over the nation and each city or region seems to have it's own site. - Link, click here.

Wishing you the very best of luck.
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 02, 2008 - 10:13AM #3
Nay_ho_tze
Posts: 2,605
[FONT="]Hello [/FONT]Smeraldo1327

[FONT="]Welcome to Beliefnet’s multi-faith depression support [/FONT]
  [FONT="]where those of all faiths participate, [/FONT]
  [FONT="]and where no single faith is more dominant than another. [/FONT]
  [FONT="]I am so sorry for the tough time you've been having, [/FONT]
  [FONT="]but by the same token, I’m glad you found this corner of Beliefnet. [/FONT]
  [FONT="]This is a mighty fine, caring, supportive group.[/FONT]
 
  [FONT="]Chiyo has given you some good directions to explore.
I hope you will look into the links provided. 
You deserve to be happy with yourself and your life.
[/FONT]

[FONT="]For my own part, [/FONT][FONT="]in an effort to offer some potentially immediate and available relief, [/FONT]
  [FONT="]I invite you to click here to get to a thread titled “Newcomers Corner.” [/FONT]
  [FONT="]In addition to providing links to informative discussions on the board, [/FONT]
  [FONT="]it also contains a number of helpful, simple yet commonly overlooked [/FONT]
  [FONT="]remedies and strategies for coping with depression.[/FONT]
 
  [FONT="]Also I invite you to click here to get to a thread titled “Nutritional Support.”[/FONT]
  [FONT="]People are often surprised to learn how closely related nutrition is[/FONT]
  [FONT="]to their mental health and sense of well-being; [/FONT]
  [FONT="]for instance, deficiencies in vitamin B complex have been clinically implicated [/FONT]
  [FONT="]in such mental issues as depression, dementia, and even schizophrenia. [/FONT]
  [FONT="]Unfortunately, the medical community typically doesn't pursue nutritional issues,[/FONT]
  [FONT="]And since moking, drinking caffeine, or coping with stress,[/FONT]
  [FONT="]are all activities which can deplete B complex in just 24 hours,[/FONT]
  [FONT="]you can see how quickly serious deficiencies can add up.[/FONT]
  [FONT="]Check out the thread for more details and info.[/FONT]
 
  [FONT="]Lastly, we have two threads where you can meet the regulars. [/FONT]
  [FONT="]First is our The Front Desk thread where we let each other know how our day’s going. [/FONT]
  [FONT="]And secondly, if you'd be inclined, please visit our gathering place The Lodge[/FONT]
  [FONT="]where folks will also catch up with each other [/FONT]
  [FONT="]as well as engage in general, fanciful cyber-play. [/FONT]
  [FONT="]According to some, a visit to The Lodge seems to lift the cloud a little.[/FONT]
 
  [FONT="]Again, welcome to the board.[/FONT]
  [FONT="]We’re very happy to have you with us.[/FONT]
  [FONT="]May you find support, comfort, and friendship here.[/FONT]
 
  [FONT="]NHT[/FONT]
  [FONT="]Host[/FONT]
  [FONT="]=][/FONT]
Nay_ho_tze
Beliefnet host
designer and artist
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 02, 2008 - 7:40PM #4
Roku
Posts: 9
Hi Smeraldo...I'm a newbie here, but I wanted to try helping anyway.  I have this book called "How to be an Adult" which is a self-help  book that deals with childhood trauma and how to "let go" of it, so to speak.  It has a chapter on dealing with Anger, as well as Fear and Sadness, to name a few. 

I picked it up by chance on my 21st birthday, haha! And I am glad I did. It's a thin book, very affordable, and quite helpful too.  I'm not suggesting that this tiny book can make your life perfect, but I think it's a good start if you don't know where else to  begin.
http://www.amazon.com/How-Adult-Psychol … 0809132230
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 02, 2008 - 7:40PM #5
Roku
Posts: 9
Hi Smeraldo...I'm a newbie here, but I wanted to try helping anyway.  I have this book called "How to be an Adult" which is a self-help  book that deals with childhood trauma and how to "let go" of it, so to speak.  It has a chapter on dealing with Anger, as well as Fear and Sadness, to name a few. 

I picked it up by chance on my 21st birthday, haha! And I am glad I did. It's a thin book, very affordable, and quite helpful too.  I'm not suggesting that this tiny book can make your life perfect, but I think it's a good start if you don't know where else to  begin.
http://www.amazon.com/How-Adult-Psychol … 0809132230
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 03, 2008 - 11:02AM #6
Nay_ho_tze
Posts: 2,605
[FONT="]Hello Roku:

Welcome to Beliefnet’s multi-faith depression support.
Rather than repeat the entirety of my previous post,
I'll share just a couple links around the board
that you might find helpful:

Click here to get to “Newcomers Corner” for lots links to information around the board.

And click here to access  ”The Front Desk” where you can get to know the regulars and let us know how your day's going.

Again, welcome.
It's nice to have you with us.

NHT
host
=][/FONT]
 
Nay_ho_tze
Beliefnet host
designer and artist
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 03, 2008 - 10:45PM #7
Subatia
Posts: 2
I used to be really angry, and sometimes I still am. I came to find out that most of my anger was  really at myself for not making the right decisions  or for being at the wrong place at the wrong time. The biggest problem is never knowing how things are going to turn out, so you run before you find. The memories of the past haunt you because of the things you should have done, but didn't. You can't stay afraid of your future because of your past. Take the things from your past, And use them to guide you through your future. If you keep painting the barn red but you really want it blue. Then there might be a problem. Every morning I ask God for guidance, and everyday I have to remind myself that there is nothing I can do about the past no matter how bad i would like too. All I can do is take one step at atime an hope I don't make the same mistakes again, and what ever will happen will as long as I put my faith in God, and I do what I believe to be right in God's eyes. Treat others like I would like to be treated then things won't be that bad.
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 04, 2008 - 3:10PM #8
Gretchen43
Posts: 3
I went to a therapist who asked me:  "why are you so angry?"  I didn't realize what I was feeling was truly anger.  Now I recognize it.  I have been angry for years.  Since I was sexually abused by a neighbor girl while my parents were fighting and not available.  Anger is okay, my problem is I use it ineffectively.  I chase away everyone I care about.  I've been married 3 times, don't have primary custody of 2 children, been hospitalized for depression and addiction and STILL continue in the same insane pattern of anger.  I think I hate myself the most...
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 04, 2008 - 3:11PM #9
Gretchen43
Posts: 3
I love the idea that we need help to become adults.  I stopped "growing" around 12 years old.  And I am stuck in this sad, uncomfortable place.
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 04, 2008 - 3:13PM #10
Gretchen43
Posts: 3
[QUOTE=Roku;931824]Hi Smeraldo...I'm a newbie here, but I wanted to try helping anyway.  I have this book called "How to be an Adult" which is a self-help  book that deals with childhood trauma and how to "let go" of it, so to speak.  It has a chapter on dealing with Anger, as well as Fear and Sadness, to name a few. 

I picked it up by chance on my 21st birthday, haha! And I am glad I did. It's a thin book, very affordable, and quite helpful too.  I'm not suggesting that this tiny book can make your life perfect, but I think it's a good start if you don't know where else to  begin.
http://www.amazon.com/How-Adult-Psychol … 0809132230[/QUOTE]
I love the idea that we need help to become adults.  I stopped "growing" around 12 years old.  And I am stuck in this sad, uncomfortable place.
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