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6 years ago  ::  Dec 25, 2008 - 12:20AM #41
nightwitch
Posts: 728
well I am ashamed to admit that I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself.. i have so more then a lot of people so why should I indulge my self in this ??? I know I am stronger then this... so why do I not shake this off ? weakness on my part ? yes it is being weak and my father would be ashamed of me... well not ashamed but he would have expected more strenght from me. he raised me to be strong.. thank the Goddess for that. I wonder did he realize that he was doing that ... making me stronger then his son was ?  plus I wanted to make up for the disappointment my brother cause him.. daddy never made me feel I had to. 11 years  and I mourn him more then my mother that died in April.. there is something just not right about that.. is that I will not let myself feel ?? I have not dated in years so I am use to being alone.. so why now do I miss having some one to call or spend time with? would not work if I did I tend to make to many demands when I am in a realationship.. allow myself to need to much. I have to be careful now that I do not do that with my friendship with G.. be there for him.. do not think he should be there the same for me.. he has so much on him right now.. ok time to gather my strenght and just get over all this... be thankful and a peace with this is how things are ... so GET OVER THE SELF PITY CRAP :mad:
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 27, 2008 - 10:47AM #42
JoyceB53
Posts: 2,409
Never been in here before...looks comfortable....all that padding on the walls means I can kick, scream, hit, punch, stamp my feet, whatever, and nobody can hear or see me.  That's good.  That's what I need, a chance to just let loose, let it all out.  Maybe not forever, but at least for now.

Linda's not the only one feeling sorry for herself around here, believe me.  I'm just plain wallowing in self-pity, which isn't a good thing, I know, plus I'm also going thru a physical withdrawal...caused by my own stupidity, I guess.  I ran out of three of my prescription meds, and I'm miserable.  Without the Atenolol, which is one of my b/p meds, I'm worried about having a stroke.  Without the generic Maxide, another b/p med and diuretic, I'm bloated and swollen, which is causing me more pain.  I get up in the morning and can barely open my eyes, they're so swollen, and my cheeks look like a chipmunk's, sigh.  And without my Tramadol, the painkiller, I am in a LOT of pain, and my restless legs are back and keeping me crazy.  I never realized how much the Trams did to keep me almost painfree until I ran out of them, around the 20th of December or so...two days after I ran out of the b/p meds.  I have some other kind of painkillers that were given to me last summer, but they're not doing the job like the Trams do.  A whole one puts me to sleep, half a one makes me dizzy, and a third of one doesn't do much at all(Oh, the pills that...mother gives you...don't do....anything at all....go ask Alice, when she's ten feet tall~~!!).  Since I'm not working today...and I'm pissed about that, too, btw...I took a half, so at least right now I'm not in "too" much pain.  One thing I've found that helps is plain old OTC "Advil PM's," but I can't take a whole one of those and work, so when I go back tomorrow, I think I'll try half of one, along with my normal Ibuprofen.  Sigh.  I've been headachey, nauseous, have diarhhea, and am very jittery to boot...withdrawal sucks.  I see my doctor on the 8th of January, and will get them all back then, and then will have to withdraw from the painkillers I'm using as a substitute for the Trams, plus get used to the b/p med Atenolol all over again.  For aobut two weeks after starting back on it, I will be exhausted and so tired that every movement is like slogging thru mud, but then I'll be adjusted to it, and should be ok again.  I hope.  I sure can['t go on living in this hell, that's for sure.  The only med I have left, and that will last me until the 8th is the Zoloft.  Thank God for that little bit, anyway.

This Christmas was the tenth one since my Gabriel died, in Oct. of '98, and it has really hit me hard.  I miss him so much...thank God I had him for 24 years, but he was my younger, my baby, and he shouldn't have died, it wasn't right, and I'll never ever understand why God took him away from me, never.  I hope his surgeon rots in hell!

This is also the first Christmas in about ten years that I haven't had Old Man to lean on, talk to, fuss at, whatever, just be here for moral support. So when I came home from work Christmas afternoon, I came home to nothing.  Nothing at all, except exhaustion and pain and depression.  We were soooooo busy at work, but thank God I had really good, patient, cheerful and courteous customers all day long, and I made excellent money.  I had one table and four counter seats, and made a few cents less than $95.  I was soooooo pleased and grateful for that.  It "almost" made it all worth it.

But, it's over for another year, I have to work New Year's Day...my usual day off...and then, hopefully, my schedule will be back to normal: every other Monday off, and every Thursday and Friday off.  I've been tossed around like a rubber ball ever since the season started, around Thanksgiving, and I am so out of my normal rut, my normal routine, that I'm going insane, I do believe.  The only thing that's keeping me going is that I know I went thru withdrawal before, in '82, and survived that, and will survive this, also.  "This, too, shall pass away."
Today is the day that the Lord hath made; we shall rejoice and be glad in it.

---Psalm 118:24
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 30, 2008 - 1:24AM #43
nightwitch
Posts: 728
I decided to stop by here for a while.. I am not sure what is going on with me but for some reason I am feeling fragile, ragged, on edge and not really a panic attack but the wanting to just oh hell  I can not descript it.. it bugs me because I can not firgure out why.. nothings changed same old bs a work some days more then other.. a tension that I can not understand.. and cranky almost want to hit something feeling .. .. none of which makes any sense ... the get me away from people ... I never understand what triggers this and that makes it hard to do anything to stop it... ok deep breathing hot bath, tea, journal... ok been here before and will make it .. not going crazy.. or not any more then I already am... all in all a scary place to be... I know I have the strenght to control this... drawing strenght from my friends here... this to shall pass // just glad I can crawl in here for a while.. nothing here to hurt me or me hurt something else... I never hurt other things Goddess help me .. in a few days it will be better... I hope...
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 30, 2008 - 9:20AM #44
Nay_ho_tze
Posts: 2,605
It's rare that I respond on this thread figuring folks just want to vent,
and I know that I said I'd lay off, nightwitch,
but I'm being told to share
that you need to strengthen your shields, my friend--
I am being shown that because you are intensely more sensitive than most,
and that this requires stronger than usual protection ...
lacking this added strength,
it would seem that energy vampires are easily penetrating your shields
to consistently zap you without your knowledge ...
that is what creates these difficult times that you do not understand.
(I'm seeing that these energy vampires might very well be some of your co-workers...)

Okay - 'nuff said ...
I hope I didn't creep you out.
Peace and strength to you, my dear...
=]
Nay_ho_tze
Beliefnet host
designer and artist
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6 years ago  ::  Jan 05, 2009 - 1:12PM #45
nightwitch
Posts: 728
decide to stop in for a few minutes to get ready to face the day. I put this brave front on about being ok with how I am.. for the most part I am.. I guess I am afraid to change things.. what if I make it worse.. it is ok how I am ... not really down just I rarely seem to be up.. maybe I am just one of those wishy washy people.. the one that stay the same bland same 90 % of the time.. not saying I never have moments but they are out weighted by the rest of the time.. I want so much to just crawl back in bed.. but I can not do that I do not have that luxury.. never have and the few time I do I feel worse because I did not do the things I should have.. I should not have lowered my shield and let myself think that G really needed my help..nothing he did just me wanting more then he has time to give.  plus I expect way to much from others..I have to stop doing that.. this is how life is get over it.. I am not sure what I am feeling right now.. needy which is something I can not be.. I want to so just step away from everyone ... shut my self off so I do not care.. not good but safe.. oh well I have to get ready to go to work.. stop feeling sorry for my self and remember I am better off then most I can go to work, get things done, I am not like mother who would get so down she could not get out of bed... enougt whining..
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6 years ago  ::  Jan 27, 2009 - 2:45AM #46
chrysalis102488
Posts: 30
Hi everyone. Today was cold, gloomy and rainy here. Heavy mist down over the trees. A day like this doesn't do my mood any good. I got a lot worse with my anxiety a couple days ago. I even spent one entire day curled up in a chair, so stressed out I couldn't move. Just sat there the whole day curled in a ball with my arms around my middle, with my knees drawn up. The next day, I forced myself to get back into my spiritual practices. I write letters to God, then look up passages in my Bible that apply. It helped some. I had to go to the laundromat and pick up some things at the store. I took a CD of Christian music with me in the car that has nature sounds in the background. Forced myself to sing along (eeeeew!). But it helped quite a lot, and I had a "cognition" later that day. I had asked God to show me anything in my subconscious that was holding me down, and He did. (Old tapes from childhood verbal abuse. This was quite a big cognition, having to do with always putting myself last, and being hyper-responsible. It cleared up a lot of reasons why I've felt like such a failure, never adequate, never good enough.) Today, though it was gloomy, I felt better, and was even able to eat some dinner.  But I'm starting to droop a little, now. I'm deeply concerned about the environment. That's what my husband and I were trying to do here -- living green. But everything's gone wrong, and I can't think of a way out. Economic recovery is going to take some time. Don't think it'll help us much. All around me, I see so much pain and suffering. I feel overwhelmed. Can't think what to do. Hm. Better get back to my Bible... thanks for letting me whine.
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 18, 2009 - 1:07PM #47
Nay_ho_tze
Posts: 2,605
**bumped**
Nay_ho_tze
Beliefnet host
designer and artist
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 22, 2009 - 5:19AM #48
nightwitch
Posts: 728
second night in a row I have not been able to get to sleep, tried melatonin, alieve just can not get to sleep.. got up and got on computer , read I hate this ... it makes me so cranky .... grr  not sure if it is irratiable because I am depressed or because of no good sleep, not sure if not sleeping is causing problem or problems causing not sleeping .. feel like I am stuck on a dement merry go round with not brass ring to grab.. for some reason my restless leg is acting up.. tonight I put on one of mother compession stocking to see if that helped.. when I do sleep I jerk awake in the middle of weird dreams that make no sense.. and for some reason I have heart burn.. dam I am falling apart and can not find the super glue.. I just wish I knew why I get like this... if I could find a reason it would not be so bad... ok  I am going to take some mylanta and try to sleep again... Dear Goddess grant me few good hours of sleep.. perchance to not dream.. or at least not the weird ones.. ok I know I can do this... but I feel sorry for people around me today...
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6 years ago  ::  Mar 03, 2009 - 3:58PM #49
Green.is.my.favorite.color
Posts: 381

Ya know, you won't notice unless you looked, but..... every one of my previous posts has been deleted... in this forum and others.


My original profile is GONE. While I have copies elsewhere, all the files I had on my profile are, of course, GONE.


And my journal? Pffft... THAT disappearred in December.


I have REPEATEDLY asked Bnet for an explanation. I even said "hey, if it was a computer glitch, just let me know and I'll move on..." They've not replied. Sure, I've gotten a "we're sorry. We want all users to have a good experience...." But they have not owned-up to the problem and THAT is what pisses me off the most.


B-Net is most certainly on my S-list.


I just wanted someone in the organization to show some accountability. Its nothing I would not have asked of myself.


Yes, I re-registered, but I'm disinclined to build a real page for myself.


There comes a point in the online world, when emotional input into a site doesn't equal what I'm getting out of it. This user is so very close to just packing it in.


But then, I'm one user out of thousands. I'm not convinced they would care.

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6 years ago  ::  Mar 03, 2009 - 7:29PM #50
Nay_ho_tze
Posts: 2,605
First off, and for what it's worth, Green, I CARE  ...  truly!!
And I do commiserate with your angst ...
the online world promises so much,
but is so tenuous -
one electron in the wrong place and it's all gone!!
I too came to the conclusion awhile back
not to invest as much as I'd like to online ...
mostly 'cuz it hurts too much when it gets lost.

Second, I know that many folks' info
hasn't yet been moved to the new site,
or at least that what the director's email stated
to hosts last night ...
she's very confident
that most everything will make it to the new site,
so dare I suggest patience?
(I'm not very good myself in that department,
so I hesitate offering such a suggestion...)

But make no mistake, Green,
I for one, DO CARE about you --
in the relatively short time you've been with us,
you've become an important participant in this forum,
and I'd hate to see you leave us on a technical glitch...
Hey, I've an idea:   I'm a good listener
so if you'd like to email me, I'm at Nay_ho_tze3@yahoo.com --
(although please ID yourself in the message line
as I screen my messages ...)
and of course, feel free to message me here on Beliefnet, as well ...

You're not alone, Green - not at all...

Sending strength and supportive energies,
NHT
=]

Nay_ho_tze
Beliefnet host
designer and artist
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