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Switch to Forum Live View Caring For A Depressed Spouse
6 years ago  ::  May 16, 2008 - 8:51PM #11
starry_heaven
Posts: 33
[QUOTE=cheena;236067]Hi Peajones, I'm sorry to hear of what you are going thru but I'll tell you what I did in exactly the same situation. I saw a stress management consultant, myself. Caregiver's stress is often undermined and they ultimately end up being the real victims of a bad situation. Depression can go on for years, it can relapse and finally it gets impossible for the other partner. How much can you cope despite all the love and understanding for your spouse? Homes have been destroyed because of it and I have seen it myself. Please don't neglect your own mental health or else depression will one day grab your mind as well. Have been there, done that and so this suggestion comes straight from the heart.
Good luck to you...[/QUOTE]
Family or friends who are involuntarily placed in the position of caregiver suffer the most from depression, neglect and loss especially when they aren't really professionals and are likely unsupervised and not held accountable to anyone for their own health needs. That is why qualified, competent professionals are so neccessary and important.
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6 years ago  ::  May 16, 2008 - 9:04PM #12
starry_heaven
Posts: 33
[QUOTE=PEAJONES56;232996]Every day is a unknown.  At times, every hour is unknown.  Living with a depressed spouse is perhaps the hardest thing that I have had to do in my life.  I feel helpless.  It is a daily battle just to to keep my family together.  I am tired of being the peace keeper between my husband and my daughter.  I am tired of walking on egg shells not wanting to put him into a deeper depression.  I am just tired.  I am tired of all the negativity that comes from him.  It's so hard to keep a smile on my face for the sake of our daughter.  I am just tired and don't know what to do.  Any suggestions or help??[/QUOTE]
It can be difficult and like walking on egg shells hoping, praying and expecting unqualified or incompetent family & friends to alter themselves into becoming something or someone they aren't. It is difficult to continually expect help & sympathy to come your way when family & friends may not be qualified and who may be not there for you and probably never really were. Help and sympathy from "the family of man" or a healthy, free, democratic society as a whole can be a better substitute for some families & situations. An illness in the family can be educational for everyone.
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6 years ago  ::  May 17, 2008 - 1:05PM #13
starry_heaven
Posts: 33
[QUOTE=starry_heaven;504444]Victims of abuse and neglect don't always make the most sympathetic or compassionate caregivers. Two wrongs don't make a right. Abuse, neglect and victimization can alter ones perception of right, wrong, sick and healthy or who really needs the most support and sympathy and why.[/QUOTE]
IMO, healthy families don't have one family member who is sick all the time. If just one individual is chronically ill normal family relationships should cure or prevent it. Misdiagnosed family problems can turn one individual into a scapegoat for everyone. If family is the cause of their illness they could be victims.
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6 years ago  ::  May 17, 2008 - 1:10PM #14
starry_heaven
Posts: 33
[QUOTE=PEAJONES56;232996]Every day is a unknown.  At times, every hour is unknown.  Living with a depressed spouse is perhaps the hardest thing that I have had to do in my life.  I feel helpless.  It is a daily battle just to to keep my family together.  I am tired of being the peace keeper between my husband and my daughter.  I am tired of walking on egg shells not wanting to put him into a deeper depression.  I am just tired.  I am tired of all the negativity that comes from him.  It's so hard to keep a smile on my face for the sake of our daughter.  I am just tired and don't know what to do.  Any suggestions or help??[/QUOTE]
It can be difficult keeping disabled & sick people living at home or with their own family. It can be hard on healthy or non-sick friends and family. Not everyone needs to be dragged down into sick, dark places themselves or needs to be around sick people. Not to sound coldhearted but separate living arrangements were created for a reason. The rights of the ill doesn't include usurping the rights of the healthy.
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6 years ago  ::  Sep 05, 2008 - 2:23AM #15
just_jo
Posts: 9
I to understand the coping on the depression as in caregiving for my husband all he does is lay in bed now 24 7. Itry to do things with him or ask him to go with me to know avail and suddenly i find myself laying in bed next to him feeling just as depreesed.. I can stay there for as long as 4 days and then realize what i am doing to myself and not helping not only him but myself either. I try to start again on the routine of trying to get him going again and all i seem to be doing is going in a vicious circle... Ito try to keep that smile on my face but really i am drowning in tears. it is hard to try to figure out what to do so in just writing this seems a little weight off untill tomorrow when i have to do it all again. I wish all the luck with their loved ones it is really hard...
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6 years ago  ::  Sep 06, 2008 - 9:05PM #16
dakota
Posts: 126
You need to take care of YOU. I took care of my mentally ill mom for 20 years. At the end she got colon cancer. She was to come home, she lived with me I got a call, that she had passed away. It was her birthday. I was sad but, also felt that God had taken her so that she would not have to suffer anymore.

I have battled depression myself since I was fourteen. My ex was very hostile and used to be very verbally abusive to me. Well, when your trying to do your best in raising three children and taking care of mom and trying to keep him happy , it can get very overwhelming. I do know how you feel. It is tough. You know what? As tough as it was, I'm so glad that I was able to care for her.

I would recommend to you to make sure you get out at least once a week for yourself. Have you been to the doctor to see if you may be depressed? You can get alot of help there. Will he go to the doctor for depression?

No you are not alone. You wouldn't believe how many people are going through or have gone through the same thing. Try to make your life happier by doing little things for yourself. Hang in there. :)
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6 years ago  ::  Oct 11, 2008 - 5:13PM #17
bktx1
Posts: 45
Dakota is absolutely right.  You need to care of you!  We bear the scars of our loved ones.  No doubt about that.  But we have to be ourselves as well.  My spouse calls me names and worse, but if I lose it, would good am I to her?  This is one of the few cases where being selfish and focused on ones own health actually helps our disabled loved ones.
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6 years ago  ::  Oct 29, 2008 - 5:39PM #18
bj-bucks
Posts: 31
[QUOTE=PEAJONES56;232996]Every day is a unknown.  At times, every hour is unknown.  Living with a depressed spouse is perhaps the hardest thing that I have had to do in my life.  I feel helpless.  It is a daily battle just to to keep my family together.  I am tired of being the peace keeper between my husband and my daughter.  I am tired of walking on egg shells not wanting to put him into a deeper depression.  I am just tired.  I am tired of all the negativity that comes from him.  It's so hard to keep a smile on my face for the sake of our daughter.  I am just tired and don't know what to do.  Any suggestions or help??[/QUOTE]

I know exactly what you are saying, my husband was the most negative person when he was home.  Lots of tension, but I learned that he and my daughter would have to learn to open up and deal with some of their own issues.  They can use you as a buffer forever if you let them.  Let your family know, in a calm way, that you are concerned about you and that they need to start communicating,  print out some tools from the Internet on how to make relationships better between husband and daughter there are lots of good information out there so in the meantime, take walks, breath deep and "Sing, Sing a song..."  Also, set a rule that at the dinner table no one talks about negative issues...that is for family meetings.  If your husband refuses, he gets to clean the kitchen!
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 06, 2008 - 7:44AM #19
IreneKauble
Posts: 2
I am a severly depressed person. Sometimes I'm aware of what I put my significant other through. I've been through so medications and finally found the one that works for me (just this October!)  I take Cymbalta and it works for the aches that depressions puts a person through. Remember: I'm not advertising medications. Everyone is different both in hereditory, body chemistry, and physicality. What works for one my not help another. Look forward to hearing from you. I have great respect and know it well what you mean by "tired." I'm the peacekeeper in my family, too! You need to step back and take care of yourself. - Irene
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5 years ago  ::  Mar 02, 2010 - 4:58AM #20
terrie
Posts: 1

we just lost our house due to my husband's depression.  when he told me i needed to sign the mortgage and i didn't feel it was a good idea, he promised to keep up with the house payments.  when he started to get behind on the payments, he promised me that he would catch them up, but we got a foreclosure notice on valentine's day last year.  he didn't even warn me that this might happen.  it was a completely horrible surprise.  then i said get a lawyer so we can maybe save our house.  yesterday it was my birthday and also the day that we found out from our lawyer that we have lost our house.  all he did for me was say happy birthday.  that was all.  he was supposed to fill out some paperwork that he had just laid aside at his office and because of this the mortgage company was able to move forward on the foreclosure.  i only found out about it because a man knocked on my door friday and delivered some papers about us leaving the property.  i called the lawyer's office and found out that even though we had paid for the filing it was not filed because the papers were not filled out and returned to the lawyer's office. he blames the lawyer but i think he should have followed up. it is too late now.  i am tired of being the only adult in this relationship.  i am tired of my husband not even caring about whether we lose our house.  he does not even make my birthday special in any small or sweet way and then just says "sorry", which sounds very hollow to me. i can't remember when he has made a birthday special for me. but it seems to get worse. i do not feel loved or respected by my husband, who has suffered from depression for years and is now talking to a therapist. he has been on generic prozac for years. he used to show me more love.  i am the mother of his children and homeschool them.  am under great pressure to go out and get a job but feel my place is in the home for now. my children need me.  i really don't know what to do but am very unhappy with our relationship and his lack of love and responsibility.  even if he is depressed he could show me somehow that he loves me, couldn't he?  i am so tired of my birthdays always being a disappointment--not to mention the house thing!  please help me--can't depressed people show others they love them or value them?  He still is able to hold down a job!  he just sucks all the happiness out of our marriage.  and let's not forget intimacy--there is none.  there used to be, but not now.  i just want to throw him out on his fat little bottom i am so tired of him. all he brings me is unhappiness, and i have tolerated it enough.

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