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Switch to Forum Live View Caring For A Depressed Spouse
6 years ago  ::  Jan 22, 2008 - 4:35PM #1
PEAJONES56
Posts: 3
Every day is a unknown.  At times, every hour is unknown.  Living with a depressed spouse is perhaps the hardest thing that I have had to do in my life.  I feel helpless.  It is a daily battle just to to keep my family together.  I am tired of being the peace keeper between my husband and my daughter.  I am tired of walking on egg shells not wanting to put him into a deeper depression.  I am just tired.  I am tired of all the negativity that comes from him.  It's so hard to keep a smile on my face for the sake of our daughter.  I am just tired and don't know what to do.  Any suggestions or help??
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6 years ago  ::  Jan 23, 2008 - 8:15PM #2
cheena
Posts: 1
Hi Peajones, I'm sorry to hear of what you are going thru but I'll tell you what I did in exactly the same situation. I saw a stress management consultant, myself. Caregiver's stress is often undermined and they ultimately end up being the real victims of a bad situation. Depression can go on for years, it can relapse and finally it gets impossible for the other partner. How much can you cope despite all the love and understanding for your spouse? Homes have been destroyed because of it and I have seen it myself. Please don't neglect your own mental health or else depression will one day grab your mind as well. Have been there, done that and so this suggestion comes straight from the heart.
Good luck to you...
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6 years ago  ::  Jan 23, 2008 - 8:58PM #3
bktx1
Posts: 45
I would second Cheena.  You are no good to anyone if you lose it.  Take ( don't ask) a mental health day, or better, a weekend. 

Your daughter is fully aware of what is going on.  She needs respite, too.  You guys should take a trip.  I know, as a depressed caregiver myself, that alone time can help.  I also recommend that your husband take B stress vitamins.  I never would have believed it until I tried it.  I don't take antidepressnants anymore, just exercise and take a B complex.    My prayers go with you.
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6 years ago  ::  Jan 24, 2008 - 4:05PM #4
PEAJONES56
Posts: 3
[QUOTE=cheena;236067]Hi Peajones, I'm sorry to hear of what you are going thru but I'll tell you what I did in exactly the same situation. I saw a stress management consultant, myself. Caregiver's stress is often undermined and they ultimately end up being the real victims of a bad situation. Depression can go on for years, it can relapse and finally it gets impossible for the other partner. How much can you cope despite all the love and understanding for your spouse? Homes have been destroyed because of it and I have seen it myself. Please don't neglect your own mental health or else depression will one day grab your mind as well. Have been there, done that and so this suggestion comes straight from the heart.
Good luck to you...[/QUOTE]
Dear Cheena,
I have tears in my eyes and joy in my heart right now knowing that I'm not alone.  Thank you!
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6 years ago  ::  Jan 24, 2008 - 4:09PM #5
PEAJONES56
Posts: 3
[QUOTE=bktx1;236185]I would second Cheena.  You are no good to anyone if you lose it.  Take ( don't ask) a mental health day, or better, a weekend. 

Your daughter is fully aware of what is going on.  She needs respite, too.  You guys should take a trip.  I know, as a depressed caregiver myself, that alone time can help.  I also recommend that your husband take B stress vitamins.  I never would have believed it until I tried it.  I don't take antidepressnants anymore, just exercise and take a B complex.    My prayers go with you.[/QUOTE]
bktx1,
Thank you for your suggestion on the vitamins.  I think I will get a VERY LARGE BOTTLE and keep right on the counter for my spouse AND for me.  Thank you for taking time to answer.  I REALLY do appreciate it.
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6 years ago  ::  Jan 25, 2008 - 11:16PM #6
katy66
Posts: 216
Peajones,  Have you got your hubby to go to a doc. yet?  There are meds that can help along with the vitamins.

At our house I am the one who was depressed.  I still take a generic form of prozac and I feel much better.

May God bless you and yours.
Katy66
Blessings,  Katy66
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6 years ago  ::  Jan 26, 2008 - 7:15PM #7
Nomi69
Posts: 6,731
[QUOTE=PEAJONES56;232996]Every day is a unknown.  At times, every hour is unknown.  Living with a depressed spouse is perhaps the hardest thing that I have had to do in my life.  I feel helpless.  It is a daily battle just to to keep my family together.  I am tired of being the peace keeper between my husband and my daughter.  I am tired of walking on egg shells not wanting to put him into a deeper depression.  I am just tired.  I am tired of all the negativity that comes from him.  It's so hard to keep a smile on my face for the sake of our daughter.  I am just tired and don't know what to do.  Any suggestions or help??[/QUOTE]

You surely have my sympathy. Up until 2002, I had done some kind of caregiving to about 6 people, for about 15 years, in all. My second husband, of 13 years, died in Jan.1999. About midway, in our marriage(married in 1986)he found out he had COPD. With this disease, one slowly suffioates.  And often die of respiratory failure. He had been in the hospital for RF, in 1997. He was on oxygen 24/7. He was told in Nov,1998, that he had 6 months or less to live. He died the first of the year of 1999.  I loved him dearly. It was very depressing, for him and also for me. I was snowed under with care for people. Looking after the needs of both parents, and my husband. With him, it had come to the point, I was going to have to put him in a nursing home, which he did not care for. He was a large man, and had fallen on the floor, about 3 times, and it was all I could do, to get him up. Ironically, the night before the day, we were going to arrange(me and Hospice) for this, he passed away by my side. I don't regret anything I have done for anyone of my loved ones...but it has taken a huge toll on my health, which was not good to begin with. I struggle to make it one day to the next.

If I live that long, I will be 70 years old, next Sept. I feel every day of it.  I just feel everything I ever had, emotionally, as well as physically has been used up.  I feel I have very little left for myself. Fortunately...I have a grandson(25 years old)who lives with me at this time, and helps some. If or when the time comes he ever leaves..I will possibly be forced to go into assisted living, or a nursing home, myself. I am on Prozac. I need it just to try and function anymore. I hope perhaps a doctor can help your hubby, with meds or something. I have a sister on Cymbalta...she says that helps her a lot. I would suggest, steering away from Paxil tho...it can have very nasty side-effects for some people. It has been linked to suicide, and homicide, so I would never encourage anyone to take it. There is loads of info about its dangers, on the internet, and easy to find.  I wish you well, and truly hope something changes for the better for you and yours.
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".
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6 years ago  ::  May 16, 2008 - 5:44PM #8
starry_heaven
Posts: 33
[QUOTE=PEAJONES56;232996]Every day is a unknown.  At times, every hour is unknown.  Living with a depressed spouse is perhaps the hardest thing that I have had to do in my life.  I feel helpless.  It is a daily battle just to to keep my family together.  I am tired of being the peace keeper between my husband and my daughter.  I am tired of walking on egg shells not wanting to put him into a deeper depression.  I am just tired.  I am tired of all the negativity that comes from him.  It's so hard to keep a smile on my face for the sake of our daughter.  I am just tired and don't know what to do.  Any suggestions or help??[/QUOTE]
Living with or giving care to anyone who is sick including spouses, adults, friends, family, children or the elderly can be very draining and unfair.
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6 years ago  ::  May 16, 2008 - 7:19PM #9
starry_heaven
Posts: 33
[QUOTE=cheena;236067]Hi Peajones, I'm sorry to hear of what you are going thru but I'll tell you what I did in exactly the same situation. I saw a stress management consultant, myself. Caregiver's stress is often undermined and they ultimately end up being the real victims of a bad situation. Depression can go on for years, it can relapse and finally it gets impossible for the other partner. How much can you cope despite all the love and understanding for your spouse? Homes have been destroyed because of it and I have seen it myself. Please don't neglect your own mental health or else depression will one day grab your mind as well. Have been there, done that and so this suggestion comes straight from the heart.
Good luck to you...[/QUOTE]
Victims of abuse and neglect don't always make the most sympathetic or compassionate caregivers. Two wrongs don't make a right. Abuse, neglect and victimization can alter ones perception of right, wrong, sick and healthy or who really needs the most support and sympathy and why.
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6 years ago  ::  May 16, 2008 - 8:32PM #10
starry_heaven
Posts: 33
[QUOTE=PEAJONES56;232996]Every day is a unknown.  At times, every hour is unknown.  Living with a depressed spouse is perhaps the hardest thing that I have had to do in my life.  I feel helpless.  It is a daily battle just to to keep my family together.  I am tired of being the peace keeper between my husband and my daughter.  I am tired of walking on egg shells not wanting to put him into a deeper depression.  I am just tired.  I am tired of all the negativity that comes from him.  It's so hard to keep a smile on my face for the sake of our daughter.  I am just tired and don't know what to do.  Any suggestions or help??[/QUOTE]
IMO, living with anyone who is sick or depressed even if they are getting help can alter the relationship entirely. It may never recover or be the same again. Similar to living with an unknown alien so very different and distant than is normal or acceptable. More like a tenant or roommate than a known family member or friend.
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