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6 years ago  ::  Aug 20, 2008 - 4:32PM #1
shelbalina
Posts: 7
Hi everyone,
I'm an only child and after having graduated from college in 2004, I moved all around NY living on my own.  I now live in the apartment above my grandparents, for several reasons. Sadly, grandma has been bedridden for 2 years and is fed through a feeding tube, and grandpa passed away in January.  I'm not quite sure of the purpose for this post, except to say that on the surface I'm not affected by the stress of the situation, but internally I have been feeling strained, stressed and lost.  We have an aide who cares for my grandmother 24/7, but sometimes it feels as though I have been "employed" by the aide in terms of meeting her every need as soon as she asks.  We've had a number of aides throughout the years and this varies from one to the next.  I feel extremely guilty for even having these feelings of stress/selfishness.  I think the issue lies in the fact that even at 25yrs old, I have always felt like a parent to my parents because of their emotional unavailability.  They come to me when they need to vent about each other or work and do not know how to communicate with each other at all. I have taken on the role of counselor for them., as well as a number of my friends.  Now, in the situation with my grandma and her aides, I feel as though I have taken on responsibility for them as well.  Dad is involved of course, but the drama that he creates almost makes it harder to deal with. I don't mind being the rock for my family at all, because I love them...but somehow I've lost myself completely.  I walk around in a daze now, craving contact with my angels for guidance and attempting to find my peaceful, happy place.  I'm young, single and responsible, so why can't I work my way through this daze?
Thanks for listening :)
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6 years ago  ::  Aug 20, 2008 - 5:43PM #2
MarleneEmmett5
Posts: 1,717
[QUOTE=shelbalina;704769]Hi everyone,
I'm an only child and after having graduated from college in 2004, I moved all around NY living on my own.  I now live in the apartment above my grandparents, for several reasons. Sadly, grandma has been bedridden for 2 years and is fed through a feeding tube, and grandpa passed away in January.  I'm not quite sure of the purpose for this post, except to say that on the surface I'm not affected by the stress of the situation, but internally I have been feeling strained, stressed and lost.  We have an aide who cares for my grandmother 24/7, but sometimes it feels as though I have been "employed" by the aide in terms of meeting her every need as soon as she asks.  We've had a number of aides throughout the years and this varies from one to the next.  I feel extremely guilty for even having these feelings of stress/selfishness.  I think the issue lies in the fact that even at 25yrs old, I have always felt like a parent to my parents because of their emotional unavailability.  They come to me when they need to vent about each other or work and do not know how to communicate with each other at all. I have taken on the role of counselor for them., as well as a number of my friends.  Now, in the situation with my grandma and her aides, I feel as though I have taken on responsibility for them as well.  Dad is involved of course, but the drama that he creates almost makes it harder to deal with. I don't mind being the rock for my family at all, because I love them...but somehow I've lost myself completely.  I walk around in a daze now, craving contact with my angels for guidance and attempting to find my peaceful, happy place.  I'm young, single and responsible, so why can't I work my way through this daze?
Thanks for listening :)[/QUOTE]
Shelbalina:
I'm sorry for the loss of your grandfather.

I know what you mean about being "employed in ones care" I had to help take care of my mother when I was
only 18 when she was ill~even though we had aids during the daytime hours~it was at night that my dad and I
would take care of her. Dad didn't want to put her into a nursing home,no he chose to take care of her at home.

Your parents should help out~after all it is one of their parents??
It's wrong of them to "leave everything on your shoulders": They do this because they see that your a young,
responsible person who can be trusted.
So they leave everything in your lap...and let you do it all.

While the aids are there go out and do things for yourself~get your hair done,have a massage, or go for a walk.
Anything to break the "Same old,same old routine" and let you commune with nature.
Leave your cell phone number if you feel you must, tell them how long you'll be out. Then Go.
Don't feel guilty~sometimes caregivers forget to "take care of thmeselves" which is a most important fact!
Unless you take care of yourself,you're no good to the person who needs you to help take care of them.
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6 years ago  ::  Aug 21, 2008 - 12:40PM #3
shelbalina
Posts: 7
Thank you for your advice!  I didn't mean to sound like I was complaining. I guess I just wanted to reach out to others who have had similar experiences.

Thanks again. It meant a lot...
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6 years ago  ::  Aug 21, 2008 - 1:09PM #4
MarleneEmmett5
Posts: 1,717
[QUOTE=shelbalina;706696]Thank you for your advice!  I didn't mean to sound like I was complaining. I guess I just wanted to reach out to others who have had similar experiences.

Thanks again. It meant a lot...[/QUOTE]
Shelbalina:
That didn't sound as if you were complaining~infact everyone has the right to complain about something
in their lives once in awhile! If you didn't then you'd be known as a "pushover"
God has given us a voice to let our opinions be known: so if you have to use your voice!!!!
Don't feel guilty, if you have to speak up and give yourself time to yourself.
Taking time out for oneselves is the best medicine we can give to the person whom we are taking care of!!!
There are people all over the world who have had similar experiences as you and I:
There are strength in numbers of those who have gone through the same thing you had.
Since I began posting here on Beliefnet I've "gotten rid of alot of feelings as to what happened when my
mom was ill and about the depression I've gone through since."
Posting on these boards gives one a "support system" that you can lean on & tell your troubles to,~
You'll also find friends here.
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6 years ago  ::  Sep 19, 2008 - 11:24PM #5
Nomi69
Posts: 6,731
[QUOTE=shelbalina;704769]Hi everyone,
I'm an only child and after having graduated from college in 2004, I moved all around NY living on my own.  I now live in the apartment above my grandparents, for several reasons. Sadly, grandma has been bedridden for 2 years and is fed through a feeding tube, and grandpa passed away in January.  I'm not quite sure of the purpose for this post, except to say that on the surface I'm not affected by the stress of the situation, but internally I have been feeling strained, stressed and lost.  We have an aide who cares for my grandmother 24/7, but sometimes it feels as though I have been "employed" by the aide in terms of meeting her every need as soon as she asks.  We've had a number of aides throughout the years and this varies from one to the next.  I feel extremely guilty for even having these feelings of stress/selfishness.  I think the issue lies in the fact that even at 25yrs old, I have always felt like a parent to my parents because of their emotional unavailability.  They come to me when they need to vent about each other or work and do not know how to communicate with each other at all. I have taken on the role of counselor for them., as well as a number of my friends.  Now, in the situation with my grandma and her aides, I feel as though I have taken on responsibility for them as well.  Dad is involved of course, but the drama that he creates almost makes it harder to deal with. I don't mind being the rock for my family at all, because I love them...but somehow I've lost myself completely.  I walk around in a daze now, craving contact with my angels for guidance and attempting to find my peaceful, happy place.  I'm young, single and responsible, so why can't I work my way through this daze?
Thanks for listening :)[/QUOTE]


This can easily happen. You need to consider some options that will free you more(in my opinion). l Know it might be hard to do. BUT sometimes a healthcare facility may be best. Some people are against it, but it can be the best solution for some people.
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".
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6 years ago  ::  Sep 19, 2008 - 11:24PM #6
Nomi69
Posts: 6,731
[QUOTE=shelbalina;704769]Hi everyone,
I'm an only child and after having graduated from college in 2004, I moved all around NY living on my own.  I now live in the apartment above my grandparents, for several reasons. Sadly, grandma has been bedridden for 2 years and is fed through a feeding tube, and grandpa passed away in January.  I'm not quite sure of the purpose for this post, except to say that on the surface I'm not affected by the stress of the situation, but internally I have been feeling strained, stressed and lost.  We have an aide who cares for my grandmother 24/7, but sometimes it feels as though I have been "employed" by the aide in terms of meeting her every need as soon as she asks.  We've had a number of aides throughout the years and this varies from one to the next.  I feel extremely guilty for even having these feelings of stress/selfishness.  I think the issue lies in the fact that even at 25yrs old, I have always felt like a parent to my parents because of their emotional unavailability.  They come to me when they need to vent about each other or work and do not know how to communicate with each other at all. I have taken on the role of counselor for them., as well as a number of my friends.  Now, in the situation with my grandma and her aides, I feel as though I have taken on responsibility for them as well.  Dad is involved of course, but the drama that he creates almost makes it harder to deal with. I don't mind being the rock for my family at all, because I love them...but somehow I've lost myself completely.  I walk around in a daze now, craving contact with my angels for guidance and attempting to find my peaceful, happy place.  I'm young, single and responsible, so why can't I work my way through this daze?
Thanks for listening :)[/QUOTE]


This can easily happen. You need to consider some options that will free you more(in my opinion). l Know it might be hard to do. BUT sometimes a healthcare facility may be best. Some people are against it, but it can be the best solution for some people.
"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you".
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5 years ago  ::  Jan 26, 2010 - 4:25PM #7
Linnea
Posts: 1

Hello- I have been a proffesional caregiver for a long time which is part of the reason this family asked for my help.I have a history w/ them as I have a son w/ one of the brothers.I have been unemployed for too long so needed the work.I had bad feelings due to the fact that there apparently was not enough for relief care so I can have time off.The client is 87,frail and very needy.I have moved in and after not yet a week I know this will not work.If I continue just for the money I will be a wreck.She,the client,moans all night,is in pain from osteoporosis,and family is mostly out of state.I miss my apartment and my cats;my son is living in my home.I am at a loss.Afraid to say,"I can't do this" because of the need for pay.I have no car,there is no provision for transportation and I have had to research options myself.The lady has the start of a bed sore and doesn't get enough nutrition.I have had to call her doctor to request a stronger pain prescription.The family has yet to send money for her needs and asked me to use my money and they will reimburse.


  I don't know.I just don't think this is a good situation for me or the client.I am so stressed I have been crying and am worried.I wish I could just leave,I really do!


 


                                                Thanks, Linnea

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