Hello.  I am new!  I really need some advise.  My sister is a cocaine addict and an alcoholic.  She and I were close up until about five years ago.  She has two children.  One lives in GA and the other ... did live with her up until last year.  My niece emailed me on several occassion that she could no longer live in the situation anymore.  My sister was/is living with an abusive man and continuing to drink heavily and supposedly she quit cocaine.  Anyway... to make a long story short ... my husband and I decided to allow my niece to move in with us.  (Febuary)  She is a bright high school student that will graduate in May.   The day we picked her up ... my sister was crying, telling me that she will help us with finances--whatever we needed etc ... and she will get her life together etc... Well ... needless to say, she has not contributed one penny since Febuary.  She has called her daughter MAYBE ten times since then and now she is blaming me 110% for the reason her relationship with her daughter no longer exists.  As far as OUR relationship.  There is not one.  She has not said one word to me about this situation at all.  Not even a thankyou or anything!  We have bought my niece a car.  You say, well that was your choice.   We had no choice.   She had to get to school on the other side of town and get a job to support her needs.  We tried to transfer her to a school in our district but she cannot transfer if her mother is still  in the original school district.  Anyway~ this situation with my sister has ... divided my family.  "I" should let bigons be bigons because she has an illness.  Well ... my sister (yet again) gets to use me for her needs.  I have stopped my life so many times to come to her rescue only to be slapped down again and again.  This time it has effected me and my family.  Emotionally, physically and financially.    I now have anxiety attacks due to my suppressed anger with her.  HOW DO I FORGIVE HER AND MOVE FORWARD???  I mean, she has hurt me over and over for twenty years.  This is just the straw that broke the camels back.  I am so angry with her.  Family justs wants me to slap her on the wrist and go on.  Be the happy fake family.  I just cant!  This situation has effected everyone around my sister.  While me and my family struggle -- my sister and her boyfriend go on trips and a free lifestyle ... how can I move forward when she is doing that instead of supporting her child????

HELP!!!!

LoriAnne

Dear LORI_ANNE. what is comonig out of your sisters mouth is anger and the toxicity that lives in her heart.She is just not the person that you once knew,addictions  tarnsform for the worst .The lack of fear for what she didn't know is what brought this infection into her life.Addictions are an infection that someone presents to our life for the lack of respect that they have for life.What should be important to you at this point is that you and your husband have rescued your niece and even if your sister would have beeen able to pay you ,what you have done is priceless.Feel good that you and husband have save a life and don't give up on your sister ,because love can be the best rehabilitator.Patience is a virtue that will give you the triumph you are looking for.Understand that weakness  is part of us all.that her weakness was to not say no at the appropiate time.some peoples weakness  can be that they don't acknowledge  it.Pray for your sister and don't give up on her even if you can't be around her .If you can learn to forgive her this forgiveness will  start the process.

Believe it or not there are just as many people out here who are not addicts, who need forgiveness, or needs to forgive. Normal people, (non-addicts) mess up to, they makes stupid decisions and hurt others, I think your sister is blessed to have you looking out for her child, you will be blessed for that, continue doing that.  Maybe it's time you start taking care of you, 20 years is a long time, but you can't change her, who she wants to be with, what she does in her spare time, you can't control that, she has to want to stop, and when she is ready, she will, take care of you, and forgive her, because if you don't forgive her, God won't forgive you, not one of us is perfect, we all fall short, we all have something that we are going to have to explain to the lord, and it will require his forgiveness, so do it, continue to look out for your neice, and take care of you.  [QUOTE=Lori_Anne;208108]Hello.  I am new!  I really need some advise.  My sister is a cocaine addict and an alcoholic.  She and I were close up until about five years ago.  She has two children.  One lives in GA and the other ... did live with her up until last year.  My niece emailed me on several occassion that she could no longer live in the situation anymore.  My sister was/is living with an abusive man and continuing to drink heavily and supposedly she quit cocaine.  Anyway... to make a long story short ... my husband and I decided to allow my niece to move in with us.  (Febuary)  She is a bright high school student that will graduate in May.   The day we picked her up ... my sister was crying, telling me that she will help us with finances--whatever we needed etc ... and she will get her life together etc... Well ... needless to say, she has not contributed one penny since Febuary.  She has called her daughter MAYBE ten times since then and now she is blaming me 110% for the reason her relationship with her daughter no longer exists.  As far as OUR relationship.  There is not one.  She has not said one word to me about this situation at all.  Not even a thankyou or anything!  We have bought my niece a car.  You say, well that was your choice.   We had no choice.   She had to get to school on the other side of town and get a job to support her needs.  We tried to transfer her to a school in our district but she cannot transfer if her mother is still  in the original school district.  Anyway~ this situation with my sister has ... divided my family.  "I" should let bigons be bigons because she has an illness.  Well ... my sister (yet again) gets to use me for her needs.  I have stopped my life so many times to come to her rescue only to be slapped down again and again.  This time it has effected me and my family.  Emotionally, physically and financially.    I now have anxiety attacks due to my suppressed anger with her.  HOW DO I FORGIVE HER AND MOVE FORWARD???  I mean, she has hurt me over and over for twenty years.  This is just the straw that broke the camels back.  I am so angry with her.  Family justs wants me to slap her on the wrist and go on.  Be the happy fake family.  I just cant!  This situation has effected everyone around my sister.  While me and my family struggle -- my sister and her boyfriend go on trips and a free lifestyle ... how can I move forward when she is doing that instead of supporting her child????

HELP!!!!

LoriAnne[/QUOTE]

I truly can identify with what you are going through.My career with people has been also dealing with their addictions,when they are willing to make a change and also court ordered treatment.I totally agree with Reneed68,hate the addiction but love the addict.An addict has to make a conscience choice to seek treatment,help,or rehab.Until they are honest with themselves and seek help,they will never be clean.An old saying,"You can lead a horse to water,but can't make him drink,"when he is thirsty though,he will.Maybe a tough love group,N.A,A.A or any other support group may give you a safe place to talk and give you the support you need.An addict can have a deep rooted problem and they use their addiction to hide their pain,that they cannot or choose not to face.It's easier to zone out,than tune in.I haven't worked with one addict yet that hasn't lied at some time or another.How can your sister be honest with you,when she can't with herself.                     

Like a person within an abusive relationship,they feel they don't deserve any better treatment.They are not worthy,have low self-esteem and very weak willpower.When alcohol or a chemical has taken over their common sense affecting their brain and body,responsibility leaves.It is o.k.not to have contact with her,it is also o.k.to let her know this,that until she decides to get clean,sober and seek help,you no longer can be around her.When she does decide to seek help,that you will be there for her.I would make it very clear that help would have to be in the form of a treatment center,ongoing meetings and counseling.If you choose to do this,then stand by your words,don't give in.This may mean that when she phones,not talking to her.                                                           

I have used this on my own son and I kept hanging up on him.I never had contact for over 2.5 yrs. The love I had for him,bought him through.The tough love I used worked with him.He is drug free,has a high paid job and doing extremely well,but still continues to work on his issues.As human's we have issues and it's in the work that sets us free.I think forgiveness could come with talking and counseling,when she has made a choice to change her life.It's hard to forgive an addict.I also believe that we have a LOVING GOD,not a God that doesn't forgive us.I am sure you will be blessed for what you have done for your niece.I also know that God blesses you now, because you care and your heart says this.I wish you strength and some day the inner peace that you so deserve!!
irishwings

Hi, Lori_Anne:

I understand your frustration at this time. Just forget about that drug addict at this time and treat your niece like your own daughter. Every good thing you do is the good karma for you. That will be your Treasure in Heaven. Whatever bad thing your sister did to you will only cause more bad karma for herself and increase the good karma for you. Take it easy and don't be angry. Just keep praying to God on the daily basis. Your situation will get better soon.