HI Rhinoman and welcome. I am sorry you have gone through such pain in your lifetime. My abuse has been over for 34 yrs and I am so much better than I was, however, I still struggle somewhat with the emotional issues resulting from it. I have had counseling and I am on meds. What are you doing to help cope? Wishing you the best here.

I survived a violenct childhood that included sexual abuse and a lot of humiliation.  Talk theraphy helped me in some ways, but EMDR helped me get over my PTSD symptoms.  I don't know where I would be if I had not gone thru EMDR.  I am a lot better now a days and enjoy my life.  I still get down during the holidays because that was always the most violent and hellish time of the year for me.  I don't get even close to as low as I used to get though.  It is an up and down thing now without any suicidal thoughts before I was totally motionless on the floor planning my suicide repeatedly  down kind of low.

I totally identify with how hard it is on a marriage.  My husband was very understanding especially the first two years, but he also wondered why it was taking me so long to get over it.  We got to the edge of divorce, but survived.  I think part of the problem was what I hid from him.  After hearing from my sister and little brother a story of violence that I survived, he changed his mind.  The counselor had mentioned the same story to him when she tried to explain why it wasn't possible for me to just recognize the abuse, get counseling then quickly go on with my life.  I wasn't there when they talked to him.  My siblings never discuss our childhood or the violence so I was real surprised when I found out the topic came up during casual conversation.  He never said what they said.  They did not know that he had heard about the incident already.  My husband would never tell me what they said.  I know my husband said, "I am an idiot.  I don't know how I could think you could just say what happen then I expect you to get over it quickly with just a little theraphy."  He didn't really articulate it, but from other snip its about my siblings conversation, I got the impression that he thought my little brother and sister were a lot more wounded that me and more unbalanced for having no theraphy.  I think he got some different view of the violence that I survived.  I think from little bits that my brother mention, they mentioned the humitiating parts that I usually leave out.  I admit that I often cleaned up the stories of the abuse or left out the more humiliating details.  I think the details shocked my husband when my little sister and brother told him.  My husband seemed distrubed by his conversation with them.  For example, I have mentioned this on beliefnet because I am anonymous but I never told my counselor or my husband that my Mom would beat me till I lost control of my bladder and/or bowels then she would get more enraged and smear my face in it.  Typing it on an anonymous board somehow I feel detached from the humiliation thus can say it.  I don't know for sure, but I think they expressed anger about that.  I think my sister was raging about my Mom lying about being violent.  This caused my brother to rage with her.  I think in their rage they wanted validation for their rage from my husband.  The impression I got was they told him a story of a time Mom beat me for something my stepfather did which ended in me peeing all over the floor and having my face smeared in my urine.

EMDR is Eye Motion Desensitation and Reprogramming?  I can't remember exactly what the letters mean.  It was the only theraphy that worked to get rid of my PTSD symptoms.  I would describe a flashback while following a moving light with my eyes.  After I completed that procedure, I would never have that flashback every again.  For some reason, it would also make my nightmares go away.  It also helped me overcome my phobias.   Some have told me that there is no evidence for it working, but it seemed miraculous to me.  I went from 3-5 hours sleep per night and violent terrifying nightmares every night to 8-9 hours sleep per night and no nightmares.  I used to have long frequent intense flashbacks that felt real and overwhelming to none for a long time.    Once or twice per year now, I may have one very short light flashback.  I still have one slight phobia.  I can't stand open closet doors.  They make me feel distrubed.  My big brother said he think it is because he found me hiding bleeding in the closet when I was four years old after the babysitter gang raped him and me.  I do not remember it at all.  I was shocked when he told me.  He is quite a bit older than me.  I vaguely remember that babysitter and like remembering a newspaper Headline, I remember that he molested me, I don't remember any details.  Mom surprised me by confirming this happened and that my brother and I were gang raped.  I have no idea really what that means.  I have no idea if the rapists ever went to jail.   My sister has suggested that this may be why she doesn't believe the criminal raped us.  Mom seems to think the flashbacks are from that.  Obviously Mom let some very dangerous people into our lives.

Hi Brown eyes and welcome. You have seen some rough places in your life. Wishing you all the best.

I wish I could tell you answers but I can't. I am also a RN (psych no less) and an incest survivor. I have spent years and been in therapy. I have learned mostly to accept that it is in the past, that I was not to blame, and  to avoid focusing on it. However, there are triggers and when it happens I will identify (sometimes eventually) why I am feeling like that and "talk" to myself about the situation and what I can do about it.
Wishing you all the best for a Happy New Year and healing.