|5 years ago :: Dec 21, 2007 - 4:22PM #71|
[QUOTE=jupiterjuniper;72179]I just got released from the hospital. It was my first time on the 5th floor, the first time I got caught trying to commit suicide. I have been suicidal my whole life. But I'm still here. Go figure. I don't think I'm crazy but everyone else does. I know this is probably another site where everyone is probably pro-drug, pro-shrink, pro-hospitalization but what I'm looking for is actually the opposite. All those drugs and know-it-all professionals take me and rob me of my entire life experiences, of all that I am, and instill their textbook garbage on me. Who's to say they are right? So what if I tried to kill myself? Maybe I don't belong in this world! Who are they to judge? They have no right. Don't worry. I understand if no one responds to me or responds with words of wisdom to sway my thoughts rather than support me. It's just par for the course. But I guarantee if I had but one friend in the world, it would make a world of difference. I accept people. But no one accepts me. How come Charles Manson received tons of fan mail but I can't find one person on the entire planet who supports me? I have no criminal record. I'm not a bad person. I do nothing but try to get by in this cruel world. The only danger I've ever inflicted has been on myself and yet, I have no one. All these therapists claim I need support. I have no family, no friends. All I can do is try. But I'm sick of trying. And these therapist are all fake, so fake. You would think for the ridiculous amount of money they are making off me, they could do a better job at faking support![/QUOTE]
How that word CRAZY seems to be easliy spread around worse than a ILLINESS
I have always felt myself spiritual magical person in Life although life's experiences has taught me pain and suffering and always felt love was hurtfull not what fairy tales brought you about love ,my thoughts and frame of mind always traveled to sucidal thoughts I never in all my life attempted it so far I suceeded in doing just that till one day almost over a year ago.
People would tell me How they knew my thoughts ,say stuff like I was NEVER even thinking
People pushed the way my mind thought over that wonderfull numbing edge
twisted my words around till I FELT i was crazy!
control of others manipulated my actions ,thoughts ,state of mind ,feeling isolated and empty or punished in Life by all those I LOVED was bottom pit for me to actually cope with .
So after a divorce ,my children there anger and my guilt GREW big in me
My new start in relationship seemed to be trick quiestion here that always felt like a bug under microscope that all my thoughts was totally insane all i ever knew in my life was nothing for I became and allowed others to push me so far back in my mind to BELIEVE I WAS CRAZY not those around me .
I several times tried in actions to stop!! the blame the abuse the guilt the shame stop!! no one heard me all I HEARD WAS HOW I AM CRAZY
then one night pushed beyond all in my life I sat alone in the dark in my truck with my standard poodle best friend and some how losted touch with everything and cared nothing but this NUMBNESS in me .
so sitting at emergency room parking lot thinking no one ever think I was here ,I called - reached out to all I LOVE and no one still could NOT be there or hear my cries for someone to care or LOVE ME .
I sat there and had horred all these bottles of pills and read one script it said for pain ... haha I laughed thinking there was a cure finialy for me and that night I took 640 pills ,didn't feel a thing for so long of time sitting there ,it was like I was meant to hang on for some reason .
I called on my cell phone sucide hot line and figured no one could trace my call ,lot did I know ,I talked and talked long time ,to a lady I talked to before she had such magical caring heart I really liked her .
then she stated to look out the truck door window I did and felt it was a party with all those people there waiting for me
angels I felt at the end when I opened that truck door and stepped out to parking lot and as my foot went out there was no parking lot only darkness I FELL INTO A DARK HOLE with a light at the end of it all.
I remember being tied down some where dark hearing cries and voices and finialy forcing my eyes to open I saw my oldest son looking at me crying and worried and wonder why he was like that .
then raised my eyes up saw my ex husband standing there and knew I must been in h##ll
I went crazy fighting to get away from him and be in darkness but there was this LIGHT not far from me .
I heard my fiance voice within this light ,calming and protection then telling me it be alright baby I'm here .
then it left me and all I could do was cry cry cry cry
waking up several times I wonder what was all that pressure on my chest ,it hurt badly get off me I was standing in that LIGHT now .
watching this woman get her heart started up as it stopped ,laying on a table so many surrounding this woman caring for her .
that woman was ME .
my heart stopped on that table as they was pumping my stomach .
I was intensive care for days then moved to a place I was committed that was called NEW BEGININGS thats what it was to my life too
I got out that hospital
and everyone was in SHAME for what I DID like I did it to punish them
they judged me
they blamed me
they tried sooo hard to push me over that edge
I was offered 2nd chance in life
to live a life meant to live FOR ME
I KNOW I AM NOT CRAZY just lost and hurt beyond anything my own state of mind could cope with and ALLOWED it all to take control of me till I wanted to die and be crazy
it stays with me each day as I believe it will always be there
that LIGHT offered me something magical that night
to see life as it is
for me to STOP JUDGING OTHERS IN BLAMING OTHERS for doing the same thing to me.
it's my life to live and its my decision to choose how I live it
and tell truth I WANT AND CHOOSE to live it happy and magical and try to help anyone understand no one judges you worse than you do yourself .
it is up to ourself to bring the best out of us in life .
no one else.
we can do it ya know ,with smiles too and we hold that wonderfull magical touch within our own self .
so yes even to this day I get looked upon as crazy or blamed or others try manipulate my state of mind
it is up to me to STOP anything unless I CHOOSE it to be .
just like its up to you to choose in life
its your life
don't worry about how others judge you
its how YOU JUDGE SELF
We have love ourselves first ..
hard lesson to understand for me it is ..
but I and all these wonderfull magical people are here to listen and be a friend but??
you have to allow them to be too..