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Switch to Forum Live View I'm so upset, I don't know what to do...
4 years ago  ::  Oct 15, 2010 - 5:20PM #1
lmh09
Posts: 1

Hello everyone! I've been reading this board for a while and thought that my first post would be much happier. For the past 3 months or so, I have been learning about Islam and have been thinking about how much sense it makes to me and how interesting it is. I have read many stories about American women like me who have gone through this and can definitely identify with them! I have been so excited for the past week or so about what I have learned. And then I realized something.... I am engaged to a man who is not Muslim and that, as far as I know, is not OK if I were to convert to Islam. I didn't know how much I really was looking forward to possibly converting to Islam until I realized this and cried for about 20 minutes straight. I do not know what to do about this. I love him very very very much and we live together ( I hope no one will look down on me for this, there are a lot of reasons why we had to move out of our respective family houses), so I depend on him financially as well. He is super supportive and a good man... I'm just really confused right now. 


Thank you so much, anyone who reads this!

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4 years ago  ::  Oct 17, 2010 - 9:00AM #2
Abdullah.
Posts: 882

Salaam imho and welcome sister to the Islam board


 


Thankyou for sharing your story with us; i hope that ALlah will facillitate a way for you to overcome your problem


Sister, indeed you have heard/read right that a Muslim women is not allowed a non-Muslim man under any circumstances, thus such a marraige will not be valid and you will continue to live a life of sin if you should marry this man while having converted to Islam; if you convert to Islam after the 'marriage' then you'd have to leave him if he dont convert too; a 3 months grace period is given for him to convert too and within this time no intimate relations is allowed and after this time if he has not converted then you both will be legally seperated according to Islam


 


Islam is the Truth from God sister and there is no doubt about this, thus this is the only way of salvation, for Islam has abrogated all former revealed religions, hence the only two options for you available at this stage is, 1, for you to not marry this man and realise that ALlah will help you find another better man and one that is allowed for you, i.e a Muslim and that ALlah will also provide for you; the fact that we are to put our reliance in ALlah as the provider who will sustain is a major theme of the Quran sister, thus do not worry about this man providing for you for ALlah will provide for you by other means


And if you feel that leaving this man will be too hard, then this should not stop you from converting for nothing is worse then remaining in desbelief, thus you should choose the lesser evil, which is a life of sin rather then desbelief [i.e remaining outside of islam]; as long as you consider living with this man a sin and that any 'marraige' with him is invalid to God and that thereafter you will continue tio live in sin, you will remain a Muslim albeit a terribly sinfull one, but yet as long as a person dies as a Muslim, there is a chance that ALlah will forgive and not punish him/her at all no matter how great a sinner he/she dies as; also if a Muslim does get punished in the hereafter, it is guaranteed that one day or another he/she will be forgiven and end up in Paradise, and if a person dies as a non-Muslim, especially when the Islamic religion is very compelling to them, then they will remain in hell forever


 


inshALlah if you choose the latter option, then once you've been a Muslim for some time and your faith is stronger, then you should find it easier to leave the relationship, and in the meanwhile, you can try to see if he converts too, for him converting will end all your problems for you'd be allowed to marry him then, plus your 'bonus' will be that he will be saved too! Smile


 


All the best sister and may ALlah have in store a brilliant future for you ahead, ameen 

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4 years ago  ::  Oct 19, 2010 - 1:29PM #3
BDboy
Posts: 6,213

Oct 15, 2010 -- 5:20PM, lmh09 wrote:


Hello everyone! I've been reading this board for a while and thought that my first post would be much happier. For the past 3 months or so, I have been learning about Islam and have been thinking about how much sense it makes to me and how interesting it is. I have read many stories about American women like me who have gone through this and can definitely identify with them! I have been so excited for the past week or so about what I have learned. And then I realized something.... I am engaged to a man who is not Muslim and that, as far as I know, is not OK if I were to convert to Islam. I didn't know how much I really was looking forward to possibly converting to Islam until I realized this and cried for about 20 minutes straight. I do not know what to do about this. I love him very very very much and we live together ( I hope no one will look down on me for this, there are a lot of reasons why we had to move out of our respective family houses), so I depend on him financially as well. He is super supportive and a good man... I'm just really confused right now. 


Thank you so much, anyone who reads this!






>>>>>> Salaam sister,


I understand your situation. If you feel this is "Mr. Right" for you. Why don't both of you learn about Islam? Ask difficult questions and debate if necessary. If both of you are commited to each other it only makes sense that, both of you will give it a try.


We are here and will try our best to help you.


Most Chrsitians ( Assuming you are coming from that background---correct me if I am wrong!) want to know do we (Muslims) have faith in Jesus son of Mary (PBUH) or not.  Please click here to read a previous discussion on this topic. Let us start here and see where it takes us.


I am giving you couple of sites for learning the basics of Islam.


<> Islam and Christianity an analysis


<> www.islam-guide.com/


<> Prophet Muhammad (PBUH) in different religious scriptures


 


Wishing both of you a wonderful faith journey. May peace and blessings be unto you.

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4 years ago  ::  Oct 28, 2010 - 10:32PM #4
Johnmohammad
Posts: 1

As-Salamu 'Alaykum, Sister ~


You are indeed in an emotional bind, that much is obvious. However, the telling part of your inital post is when you related that "as far as you know" your turning to Islam would not be okay with your fiancee. Before you go any further, you really do need to sit him down and talk about your feelings and your desire to become a Muslim- and what the choice means for you with respect to your upcoming marriage. Perhaps he will want to learn more about Islam and maybe in time you can become Muslims together. On the other hand, you may find this is an impassable obstacle that will continue to be a problem- at which point you both may have to seriously re-assess your relationship. I understand that at this time the economic factor is weighing you down, but this is not something that can't be worked out. You have declared your love for him, but- take it from me- sometimes the one you want the most isn't the one for you.


In short, TALK to him and see where his own thoughts are- don't guess, be sure. Above all, though, be true to yourself and your faith; if moving on and find a more suitable partner will strengthen your faith, then so be it. In the end, your relationship with Allah(swt) is yours and yours alone- it's up to you how it unfolds in your life. Isha'Allah you will find the right path for you and find happiness.


 

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4 years ago  ::  Dec 27, 2010 - 4:53PM #5
Muhammad
Posts: 1

Hi,

Please do not listen to those Muslims that tell you your marriage would be invalid if you as a Muslim(should you convert) married a non-Muslim man, or if you converted sometime later after being married to a non-Muslim, that your marriage somehow becomes invalid! They are quite ignorant of what Islam preaches.

Ruqaiyya Waris Maqsood has written: "Also, there were vast numbers of female Companions who accepted Islam long before their menfolk - many years in some cases. An example might be Lubabah (Umm Fadl), the first woman to accept Islam after her friend Khadijah - who happened to be the wife of Abbas (and he did not accept Islam until just before the fall of Makkah… Hamzah's wife Salmah was Umm fadl's sister and she accepted Islam long before him; as did one of Umar's wives etc etc. I am stating all this to show that Muslim women were often married to non-Muslim men, but usually lived in hopes of converting them. The Prophet's daughter Zaynab is another case; Ali's sister Umm Hani, the Prophet's first love, is another. In the end, she split up from her non-Muslim husband, after many years. Many of the Prophet's (pbuh) female companions were married for years to men who were pagans, and in the end they came to Islam."

Dr. Aziz writes: "The example of the Holy Prophet himself is the *opposite* of this wrong view. One of his daughters was already married before Islam. When the Holy Prophet started his mission she accepted Islam but her husband did not. She remained married to him, and remained with him after hijra at Makka. Then at the battle of Badr her husband fought against the Muslims and was taken prisoner. After his release he went to Makka and sent Zainab to Madina. Sometime later he himself also came to Madina and accepted Islam. When he thus rejoined his wife, no nikah [marriage ceremony] was conducted because he was regarded as being married to her all this time!"

Today, especially in the West, when there are vast numbers of women converting to Islam of whom are already married to non-Muslim men, I think it is a shame that they are put into difficult and akward positions by extremist Muslims, whom declare right away their marriage to be null. Imagine, having that said to a woman married for a considerable time, and/or especially in old age with or without children, whom is without any support except her husband, but is pressured to leave him by the Muslim community! Islam was meant to be practical, not overbearing.

Be wary of these extremist Muslims. They are the absolute ruin of Islam.

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4 years ago  ::  Jan 01, 2011 - 1:12PM #6
BDboy
Posts: 6,213

Dec 27, 2010 -- 4:53PM, Muhammad wrote:


Hi,

Please do not listen to those Muslims that tell you your marriage would be invalid if you as a Muslim(should you convert) married a non-Muslim man, or if you converted sometime later after being married to a non-Muslim, that your marriage somehow becomes invalid! They are quite ignorant of what Islam preaches.

Ruqaiyya Waris Maqsood has written: "Also, there were vast numbers of female Companions who accepted Islam long before their menfolk - many years in some cases. An example might be Lubabah (Umm Fadl), the first woman to accept Islam after her friend Khadijah - who happened to be the wife of Abbas (and he did not accept Islam until just before the fall of Makkah… Hamzah's wife Salmah was Umm fadl's sister and she accepted Islam long before him; as did one of Umar's wives etc etc. I am stating all this to show that Muslim women were often married to non-Muslim men, but usually lived in hopes of converting them. The Prophet's daughter Zaynab is another case; Ali's sister Umm Hani, the Prophet's first love, is another. In the end, she split up from her non-Muslim husband, after many years. Many of the Prophet's (pbuh) female companions were married for years to men who were pagans, and in the end they came to Islam."

Dr. Aziz writes: "The example of the Holy Prophet himself is the *opposite* of this wrong view. One of his daughters was already married before Islam. When the Holy Prophet started his mission she accepted Islam but her husband did not. She remained married to him, and remained with him after hijra at Makka. Then at the battle of Badr her husband fought against the Muslims and was taken prisoner. After his release he went to Makka and sent Zainab to Madina. Sometime later he himself also came to Madina and accepted Islam. When he thus rejoined his wife, no nikah [marriage ceremony] was conducted because he was regarded as being married to her all this time!"

Today, especially in the West, when there are vast numbers of women converting to Islam of whom are already married to non-Muslim men, I think it is a shame that they are put into difficult and akward positions by extremist Muslims, whom declare right away their marriage to be null. Imagine, having that said to a woman married for a considerable time, and/or especially in old age with or without children, whom is without any support except her husband, but is pressured to leave him by the Muslim community! Islam was meant to be practical, not overbearing.

Be wary of these extremist Muslims. They are the absolute ruin of Islam.




>>>>>>>> Thank you for sharing your views and you have quoted few people as well. I think this is a good thing that we have people with different views.


However I think it would be helpful if you do not consider everyone "Extreamist" for having a different opinion than yours.


You made some very thoughful valid points. Let us keep this a positive place brother....

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