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Switch to Forum Live View Single people just aren't living their religion
3 years ago  ::  Jun 25, 2011 - 2:05AM #1
Earthquakequeen64
Posts: 22
Huh!I attended a fireside where a young lady asked how to keep from being discouraged when marriage hasn't come as early as she wants. The speaker said, "be the right person instead of looking for the right person." My comment to her would  be"realize you are the ibe." Afterall she had the desire to marry for eternity and bring children into the world. She listened oto the inspiration of the Spirit and attended the fireside. There are a lot of single men out there that don't want the responsibility of marriage and fatherhood. When I went to BYU I knew a lot of couples and in so many cases the woman wanted to marry but the gentleman did not. As I was not dating very much at the time I developed low self-esteem and wondered what I could do to make myself more attractive to a man. I eventually married the wrong guy and later committed the big D. (divorce). I plan to wait until the Millennium and maybe I can find someone who was killed in a war or something.
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3 years ago  ::  Jun 25, 2011 - 8:42AM #2
Ironhold
Posts: 11,523

Question - how old were the guys in question?


 


I ask this as for most guys, the urge to settle down doesn't hit until mid-20s or later; although most people would associate this with a "sowing their oats" phase, the truth is that's the minimum for how long it takes guys to get where they can actually afford a family.


In my case, I'm 27.


I haven't had a date in six years.


Why?


I'm a grad student. Tuition is draining me dry, and so what little bit of money I'm getting is going to obtaining my degree.


As much as I'd like to have a family, it'll be at least another calendar year before I can even consider doing so; by then, I anticipate having my degree in-hand and working a far better job than the one that I have now.

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3 years ago  ::  Jul 05, 2011 - 12:23PM #3
ProfitOfGod
Posts: 1,020

There's nothing wrong with focusing on becoming a better you before seeking to enjoin your life with someone else's. 


Iron - I can't tell you that you ought to be dating - only you know how much time you'd have for such a thing, even if you had the desire - but I can say that I think you're doing the right thing in staying true to your educational (and hopefully career) goals before worrying about starting a family.  As crazy as you are ;), your future family will be a lot better off as a result of your patience.


Earthquake - Early marriage is typically a problem, even if many seemingly successful families have been able to shield the resulting children from many of their struggles.  The problem is that people who marry at 20-21 often do not know who they are, so most could not possibly have a clue as to with whom they would be compatible.  Sorry about the D, that stuff happens, but just live and when you're not even looking, the right thing will probably come along. You received good counsel at that fireside - just be the right person, and everything else will fall into place.

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3 years ago  ::  Jul 05, 2011 - 4:07PM #4
UwishUwereMe
Posts: 2,352

OTOH, I have known many sisters that wont marry good men because many have gotten as picky about superficial things as the rest of the world.

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3 years ago  ::  Jul 18, 2011 - 6:19PM #5
gigarath3
Posts: 5
It's harder than most of you all say it is. I am 20 and have been on many dates, and have proposed marriage to three temple worthy sisters and all have declined. Marriage is a partnership and takes the okay of both individuals to go ahead with it. I would love to marry a temple worthy sister and have a family, but I get the feeling that it might not happen, because no one is accepting, instead of my inability to ask.
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3 years ago  ::  Jul 20, 2011 - 1:43PM #6
Lardorian
Posts: 26

A lot of people seem to think that all one needs to do is get married and start having kids and life will all be cool because the church has you convinced that you are doing God's will.


I've read the LDS standard works and I've not seen anywhere in there where it says you need to be marriedie before a certain age or you're doomed. I HAVE read a bit about preparing every needful thing. It's a complicated world we live in. Much more complicated than you have probably discovered at your tender young age.


Perhaps what you should be doing is concentrating on laying a foundation (preparing) to support a family. You can read your scriptures but you can't eat them. Perhaps the women you've asked to marry have looked at you and not seen the prospects for security. I'm just guessing here but you say you're 20; are you already a returned missionary? Mind you, I don't think everybody HAS to go on a mission but many younger LDS girls do. My advice would be to get a degree in a field you enjoy (because life is to short to do somehting you dont enjoy) perhaps even an advanced degree so your employment prospects are better. I'll give you a clue...I recently watched someone close to me look, and look and look for a job. They have a Ph.D. and still it was hard to find a job. They had to take a starter job first and kept looking.


That's the key...keep looking. But don't just jump out and get married because you think it's your duty. If you do, you may well find you are among the 48% orso of temple married folks who wind up getting divorced.

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3 years ago  ::  Jul 25, 2011 - 6:25AM #7
gigarath3
Posts: 5
I will be submitting my paperwork in about a month to go on a mission. I am currently working, but plan on obtaining my certifications to become an electrician when I return. I plan to do freelance work and hopefully incorporate a business one day.
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3 years ago  ::  Nov 27, 2011 - 9:10PM #8
Earthquakequeen64
Posts: 22

I hope you didn't think I was serious when I entitled this thread "single people aren't living their religion." I feel there were people trying to defend the reason they aren't married. Each person is different and only that person can determine the proper time. From age 19 to about the time I married at 26 I was told that I wasn't living the gospel because I wasn't married. Unfortunately I rushed into a bad relationship and married in the temple. I was aware, especially at BYU where a woman wanted to marry and the man did not. They would date for years and years and years and then a younger woman would come along and that guy was gone. Anyway if any of you really think I was serious in saying single people aren't living their religion I apologize for offending you.

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3 years ago  ::  Nov 29, 2011 - 10:50AM #9
Lardorian
Posts: 26

Dear EQ:


While I've posted some thoughts earlier on this topic... I also noted another recent post (missed your calling) and thought I'd take a shot at 2 birds since you have most recently posted to this one.


I'm not qualified to speak to anything  but that doesn't stop the opinions from flowing...I'd like to make a suggestion. It seems to me as though you have reached a reflective point in life and as you look back you are lamenting several things.


There is a great book (probably not at Deseret Books)entitled "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz that I think you would enjoy. I think you would find it liberating. It speaks to the issues you are addressing.


Pres Hinckley made a comment on the Larry King show about the LDS Faith. He said.. "bring all the good you have and let us see if we can add to it. I think though that often that comment is viewed as a door that swings only one way. There is much that we can learn from each other and from those whose religions may differ from ours. The LDS Church does not have a "corner" on truth.



If you read that book I think you will recognize patterns that are familiar to you...you were taught or told certain things (like you weren't "living" the gospel because you hadn't married by a certain age) and you accepted or agreed that those things must be true. You listened to (and again accepted or agreed with) what your mother said about teaching and so you now feel unfulfilled and think God must be less than pleased with you.


I say dump all that baggage and start to live.


There was another interesting book (actually a series of books) I read in the 70's by an anthropologist author named Carlos Casteneda. As I recall.. there was something of a scandal later claiming about his "research" but that doesn't matter really... I don't know if he made up his research or not. What *I* remember... and what I think is valid is a "teaching" he claimed to have learned from Don Juan who was supposed to have been a Yaqui "Man of Knowledge". He said you should live your life as a warrior. What does that mean? It means that for a warrior it is always a good day to die. Whatever you are doing..strive to be the best YOU. Live so as to have no regrets. In the Orient there is a concept known as Hon'nin myo; it means from this moment forwards. What is past is past...no matter how long you sit and ponder it there is nothing you can do to change it. What you CAN do is change the way you live today and on into the future.


Tomorrow is promised to no one so LIVE now while you can. If you want to teach... go teach....


I know a woman who is 95; at an early age she was told that she shouldn't bother getting married or hold hopes for having a family as she would likely not live that long. I kind of think that the great grandchildren who go visit her are rather happy she didn't buy in to all that negativity.


As for the topic of this thread...I fear there are too many people who listen to others opinions on living the gospel properly. The same mindset that was around when you were younger is still very much with us. It causes a lot of misery as the square pegs try to force themselves to fit into round hols in an effort to conform to the group-think mold of what a "good" member of the church is and how they should act and what they should be doing at any one point in their lives.

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3 years ago  ::  Nov 30, 2011 - 8:51PM #10
moksha8088
Posts: 4,961

Nov 29, 2011 -- 10:50AM, Lardorian wrote:


As for the topic of this thread...I fear there are too many people who listen to others opinions on living the gospel properly. The same mindset that was around when you were younger is still very much with us. It causes a lot of misery as the square pegs try to force themselves to fit into round hols in an effort to conform to the group-think mold of what a "good" member of the church is and how they should act and what they should be doing at any one point in their lives.




The cultural norms formed in the cloistered valleys of Utah represent a pattern of behavior that defines a limited set of Mormons.  These cultural norms should not be forced upon others as an example of superior living that should be emulated and certainly not as an example of the epitomy of holiness.


Your example of being true to ourselves and our needs, while attempting to incorporated the Gospel of Jesus into our lives, rings true.

Cry Heaven and let loose the Penguins of Peace
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