hello, salam (and sorry for the bad grammar, puncuation, spelling, i just dont feel like checking it...)
i'm 20 years old, and ive been wearing hijab for 9 years. i never chose to wear it, it was forced upon me. about 10 years ago, my mother decided to wear the hijab, since she was becoming more religious at the time. i was in 5th grade at the time, about 10 years old. she asked me to wear it, just like that, and i said no. i had never heard about it or even prayed in my life. i did not know anything about islam. she let it go for a while. she said i had to wear it when i started 6th grade. i still said no. first day of 6th grade, i was saying i do not want to wear it, keep in mind i had not even started my period or anything like that. my mother literally got the hijab, forced it right over my head, drove me to school, and walked me to my class so i would not take it off. in a way, she trapped me. (my father had nothing to do with it, he is not a religious person, he does not pray or fast or read quran or pay zakat or anything. but he is traditional and a proud arab, this i do not have a problem with. he just left it all to my mom.) i was so miserable, my life changed that day. i started acting out in school and my grades were poor, i also developed obsessive compulsive disorder, called trichotillomania, its were i pull out my hair when i am nervous. (i know its weird and i am very embarrassed from it. i still do it to this day.) i dont know whether it is connected to the hijab or not. (feel free to give an opinion)i had just very bad experiences with the hijab, for example, the kids would pull it off my head in class. in 9th grade this guy called me a b****, for no reason. i have horrible self esteem issues. my parents never encouraged me to have friends or social life. every single friend i made, even muslim ones, they found something wrong with them. eventually i lost all contact with them. when i was 14, in my first year of highschool, i continued to wear hijab until the second semester. i took it off secretly in my second semester, i would go to school with it on and take it off when i got to school. i never did anything wrong in school, i never had a boyfriend or anything like that. i didnt wear revealing clothing, just a tshirt and jeans or sweatpants and i wore little make up, just foundation because i was self consicous about my acne. i just didnt want to wear it anymore, i had grown tired of it. i thought if i took it off and my parents found out it would be too late to put it on again. it was hard to hide and i wanted my parents to find out. on my 15th birthday, in january 2005. i admitted to them what i had been doing. they were angry, my dad said i could go to back to school but to downplay my beauty. my mother got very angry at that and forced him to take me out of school and i never went back. she put me in a homeschooling program, which was hard because i did not have a tutor and my mother did not teach me since she never graduated highschool. i was on my own to learn. i became depressed, i felt very alone and everytime i would bring up the subject of hijab my mother would just yell at me. we would just argue about it. i would ask me father if i could go back to school in my junior year or senior year to graduate. i said i could and that i did not have to wear the hijab. when the time came he did not let me go and attend school. he would make a promise and not keep it and was always pressured by my mother. i eventually got behind on my work and i was failing. i had no choice but to get a GED, which i am embarrassed of. i started college when i was 18, at a community college. again, i asked my father if i could discontinue the hijab. he said i could and he promised and that he would try to convince my mom. i thought he understood me, but when the time came, he chickened out and sided with my mom. she yelled at me the day before school and told me if i ever took it off she would disown me. i would be dead to her. she said she would rather me be dead than not wear it. she said all of the other muslim girls we know wear it, why should i be any different. she said it was a wajib and that it protects me from boys. (i am probably the most socially awkward and standoffish person in the world with or without hijab). on top of that, my father hit me and told me if i didnt wear it, i could forget about college. (which i think is unfair) i still dont know why he said, when he said the exact opposite the day before. i did not trust him after that. so the next day, on the verge of tears, i started college with the hijab on. on the ride over, (i didnt drive at the time, and still dont. im kind of lazy about learning.) my father said that he did not want any problems from me and to not bring up the subject, that he and my mother just did not want to deal with me and that i had to wear it whether i liked it or not. so i wore it. and by the way, i am not religious at all. i do not pray, i fast sometimes, i do not read quran. its not because i hate islam, i dont hate it, while i think it is the right religion, there are some things i dont agree with, like for example hijab. i dont know, sometimes i think if all of this had not happened, it would be different, that i would find islam and probably hijab on my own rather than it be forced down my throat. i am not religious not because i hate allah, which i dont btw, i believe in him very much, it just a way for me to prove a point to my mother and to retain some control, to remind her that everytime she tries and forces me to pray with her and i dont come, it is because i believe forced religion does not work. when i wear hijab, my heart is not in it, so why should i pray when i know my heart will not be in it. i dont pray to make my mother happy, and i hate being a hypocrite, a girl that wears hijab but does not pray. and btw, isnt prayer supposed to come first? baby steps right? i wear hijab out of fear of my parents, not allah.
so in my second semester, i stupidly decided to bring it up again to my dad, and he told me i should just wear it to make my mom happy, that he didnt feel like arguing with her and that i shouldnt try to "break up the family". (has anyone ever heard of something like that? a divorce because of something like this.)i dont know why he said something like that, that my wearing the scarf or not would determine whether their marriage would survive. i just hate that kind of burden. my parents marriage isnt strong, they constantly talk behind eachothers backs to me. i just hate the burden they place on me. its like they're living a lie. well, after that, i entered a depression, a very severe one. also my father was just being very nasty to me at the time, for no reason. he would accuse me of doing things like having a boyfriend, when i did not. i wouldnt eat, or sleep, i counldnt concentrate. i took medicine for it, but that can only do so much. i also i have a tendency to self harm as a coping mechanism. along with trichotillomania (which is also a form of self harm and a coping mechanism.) i cut myself, i have quite a few visible scars on my arms, they're very purple and thick. and im very self conscious about them, i have to wear long sleeves all the time, and its annoying especially in the summer. (i know its my fault), but seeing the blood run down my arm is so soothing. along with other things i tend to do...i dont want to get into them now, too disturbing. i avoid making friends, even in school. i dont go out, i try to avoid social situations. they make me very nervious. somedays, i think i just cant do it anymore. i feel so hopeless, and i worry all the time. i cry all the time, over nothing. in school, i have to fight back tears. when i cant take it i go to the bathroom and cry. i just hate living like this. i have no hope, i think about death all the time, i have a feeling i wont live for very long...i dont know. i just feel very lost and numb. i just want some advice...what should i do about my family and my hijab...? feel free to ask any questions...is anyone else going through this or through something similar?
Salamualikum wr wb Sister and Welcome to the forum ,
I hope this response finds you in better spirits and good health
The mistake your parents obviously made sister was to not bring you up as a practicing Muslim from when you were a little girl and inculcating the values and importance and beuty of your religion in you, thus your reaction to the hijab was natural in a sense
I think the best is to put the past all behind you sister and your memmories associated with hijab and now look at life and the hijab in a fresh way; an enlightened way as the educated adult you are
your depression and your problems at school probably did result from the sudden hijab 'symptoms' you had to deal with, but as I say, it is best to put it all past you now and take a fresh look at how to make your life better and put the hijab in the correct perspective in your life
Everything happens for a reason sister and what we go through in life helps us learn about life and what pleases ALlah [swt] and what displeases him so whatever you may have suffered in the past, it is best to look upon it as a Mercy from ALlah in the sense that it gets some of [i'm going to get a bit religious now ] our sins forgiven, thus in this sense you can thank ALlah for all the tribulations from your past
Now, as an adult, it is time for you to realise the correct meaning of being a muslim and how blessed we are to be born into a muslim family; we never asked for this blessing nor were we 'owed' it by ALlah thus the best thing we can do now is to take advantage of this and remain ever gratefull to Allah [swt]; i'd advice you to read books on Islam and understand the values and importance of Islamic practice and ofcourse, hijab; here is a link that will give you a reccomendation of some good books:
the wisdom behind hijab sister is that it keeps a women/girl safe from dishonour [being taken for a sex object] and protects her dignity and safeguards from fitnah [sexual disorder] spreading in society; and the Islamic ruling regarding hijab sister is that it is obligatory according to the consensus and to not wear it is a huge sin; there is an exception however for new converts to get used to it before they use it on a regular basis; but given the way it has effected you in the past and the way you feel about it, it is best for you to get gradually used to it rather than not wear it at all; life is short sister and despite what other people may say, it is best to take care of our hereafter rather than cater to expectations and norms of a decadent society
You have mentioned sister that you do not agree with some parts of Islam such as hijab; my dear sister, I used to be like that [to a certain extent] [ but in a self rebbellious way and inside i used to feel me going against my self/fitrah in a big way ] once upon a time, I argued against hijab I think once [may ALLAH forgive me ameen] but that was in my teens when I was totally ignorant about Islam ; fancy me arguing against something which I didn't even know about? ; i'm laughing at me sister and not you so dont take this the wrong way ,
but now sister after i've found out about Islam what I have, I see that it is a very dangerous thing in terms of faith and the life-hereafter to argue against any point of Islam without finding the correct islamic view on it; after all we do believe that the Quran is revealed from ALlah [swt] dont we sister and that the Prophet Muhammad [saw] is indeed the messenger of Allah [swt], hence what they say has to be correct right?, and the immense danger in talking against things that could well be a part of Islam sister is that it could even take us out of our faith alltogether ... and hijab comes somewhere close to that...; here is a fatwa from a well renouned and reputable Scholar sister that says it all:
Question:
If a person denies Hijab for women being obligatory are they a kafir [i.e, a desbeliever] or if not what is their status.
Answer:
Assalamu alaikum,
This is very serious, because it has been traditionally agreed upon as being beyond question, given the clear texts of the Qur'an and Sunnah [see Sh. Gibril’s answer, below]. There is clear and decisive scholarly consensus (ijma`) on this. There are few obligations that are more decisively proven, and it is not a ruling subject to change.
However, given the troubled times we live in, the scholars do not declare people who denies this obligation disbelievers. Rather, our duty is to call people to sound understanding of Islam and the Shariah. If people understand the big picture, and the wisdom and mercy the Shariah is based on, they will understand and accept its rulings.
So we can see what sort of dangers lie for us in not accepting parts of Islam according to our personel opinions sister thus it is imperative that we find out for sure the authoratative views on anything which we may not be sure about, and if something is known to be part of Islam due to it being known by everyone as such, then that is sufficient evidence there for us to believe it wholeheartly without doubt
Regarding how to deal with your parents sister, i'd say that our parents really want the best for us and allthough were all lacking in living proper Islamic lives [hence it is best to overlook any improper thing they did], yet we should only be gratefull for our parents and the care they show us, not only for safety of this world, but safety for the hereafter too, thus it is best to look upon their actions such as forcefull hijab wearing and dissuading from keeping friends that it was done in their eyes, in your best interest, and hence do your best to please your parents for the sake of ALlah [swt]
Islam is such a blessed religion sister, and the only truthfull religion may i add , that all your problems can be solved; e'g, the zikr [rememberance of ALlah] will get rid of your depression; it will help you to come to terms with your past and trust me, you'll only be thanking ALlah for it [for the secret blessings and goodness it contained]... and ofcourse we should feel sorry for our sins, so I will emphasie that it is education of islam that you need sister and only then you can be happy about practicing your religion, wether it is to wear the hijab or to do your prayers at work/uni during break ...
here are a few articles on hijab sister and hope this all helps
ps: I'd also advice you as an older brother Sister to attach yourself to the local mosque; if that dont have a sisters gathering there then find one that does and you'd be able to make lots of good friends there sister who would understand your problems and will no doubt help you overcome them and be good friends to you inshALlah.
regarding you self harming yourself, you should really be strong about this and not do it; it is a great sin too; you desperately need Islam in your life sister and hence the help of ALLAH [SWT], please start practicing it straight away [do the five daily prayers etc] ] and you will see that such things will be easy to stop and ofcourse make ample supplications for help to ALlah, and whatever you do, dont even think of suicide for that will make you go straight to hell ...
And regarding your endless/frequent crying, allways look at the blessings ALlah [swt] has given you sister; you are a Muslim for one [if you only knew what happens to desbelievers after they die ], and ofcourse you can count countless other blessings too so there is all the reason to remain eternally happy and gratefull to ALlah swt]; increase on your blessings sister by earning the best of this world [i.e a peacefull life of submission to ALlah] and the hereafter too, and you can only increase on your happiness in this way,
and I think you should as an urgency, find some good practicing muslim sisters in a mosque and tell them of your problems and inshALlah you will be in safe hands then; they will guide you to how to overcome all these symptoms; my apologies sister for answering you in this haphazard way but i've read your post in parts and only see the very sad and serious part of your post now at the end, may ALlah guide you into his blessings ameen
Dear Sister, please do excuse me for I was tired and lazy last night and just read parts of your post thus my answer was not wholly appropriate
I see now Sis that you dont reject hijab, but just think that salaat [prayer] and things like that should come before it so let me adress this issue inshALlah:
inshALlah there is nothing wrong with practicing Islam as much as possible sister for only ALlah knows what he might forgive us and enter us into paradise for; it could be our daily prayers, it could be for wearing the hijab or it could be for giving water to a thirsty dog, hence I allways make it a point to try and practice much as possible, i.e, in the past i did used to lack in my salaat a bit, but never once did I think of not doing other acts of worship such as praising ALlah subHanahuwathala thinking that salaat shoud come first.
It is said sister that a person of the pharoahs army used to dress like moses [pbuh] and used to say to the people that he is moses and when Pharaohs army drowned in the sea, ALlah [swt] saved that man from drowning just because he used to imitate the prophet Moses [pbuh] in his dress, hence we never know which act of Islam or even imitating the people of Godwaryness could deliever us from danger and earn the mercy of ALlah
Also sister you should look at the point that if Muslims did not act upon other deeds due to lacking in salaat, then apart from an extremely tiny minority, no women would be wearing the hijab or no man would be giving in charity etc, for only a very tiny minority of muslims are doing their five daily prayers, so if you inshaALalh wear the hijab with the correct intention, i.e, to please ALlah alone, then you can hope for that to be accepted wether you are praying regularly or not and ALlah might even guide you, make it easier for you to worship Him due to this deed of yours
ALso sister, there is nothing wrong with using a bit of tact to keep good family relations, especially not to upset our parents; many a girls I think wear hijab when they go out of the house because their praents wants them to but they take it of once out of sight of their parents but they never tell that they do this and they never openly rebel against parents; this is ofcourse not approriate at all according to Islam, but there is some benifit in it that the parents remain happy and children do not openly rebel against parents; there could well be a bit of ALlahs Mercy and reward in this too if the intention is to keep parents happy for the sake of ALlah, and if it is to keep them happy out of love and respect for them and not wanting them hurt, thus if you cannot wear the hijab for the sake of ALlah, i.e in order to just submit to ALlah by wearing it, then at least do it in the sight of your parents in order to keep them happy for the sake of ALlah; ALlah could guide you due to this relativley good step you would be taking inshALlah
Compulsion in worship infact is not a good thing sister, but do consider this that a certain amount of compulsion can be applied to children in order to bring them up right, and your mum did give you one year to get used to the idea of hijab and forced you to wear it when you refused when you were still just a child and under the control of your parents; also consider this that in the general muslim families, allthough their not that strict about prayer etc, but many are about a moderate dress sense for their daughters and religious people like your mum will be strict about their daughter wearing hijab, for hijab is not just like an ordinary act or worsihp such as salaat, but it covers up the sexuality and beuty of the women too, and protects them from sexual harrassment and from men/boys sexual glances, etc,; also in the Muslim culture, a girl without hijab can be thought to be 'loose' and somewhat shameless; hijab also puts the parents minds and hearts at ease in the thought that their daughter wont be adopting a life of dating with boys etc, and that the hijab will keep them Islamic minded in this area [and ofcourse, will deter other boys/men from making advances], thus I think all these reasons contribute to why some parents can insist on hijab for their daughters more than prayers etc
Also sister your mum and dad may well be thinking that we've been telling our daughter for years to wear the hijab and not discard it and surely she has had enough time to get used to the idea now but she insists on rebelling thus this would upset them even more and it would lead them to doubt that your probably attracted to the immoral way of life and if your that rebbellious then you may well be going out with boys etc, hence ths is one of the reason why your dad may have acused you of such a thing
Family relation, especially with the parents are very improtant sister and parents, especially one's mum, is not a person who the child should want to 'teach a lesson' to; you say that you want to show her that compulsion will not work in matters of worship with you, but your love for your parents and our duty towards them, in consideration that they brought us up and looked after us when we were little, is immense sister, thus a mum is no person at all to rebel against and one should do her/his best to not upset her, even if it should have to be in a tactfull way as explained above; we owe too much to our parents to want to teach them any lessons at the expense of their happiness and our relations with them sister so please do consider this
The only way of success and happiness and true peace and prosperity is to live in accordance with ALlahs will sister and the way of our beloved Prophet, may peace and blessings be upon him, thus it will be in your best interest sister to try and wisen up as quickly as possible; you surely know that hijab is ALlah's will, and if you feel the hypocritical free way is to start prayer and the other duties of Islam too and not just wear hijab as that may be a type of showing off, then this is indeed a wise thought, hence why not start practicing Islam properly sister to please ALlah alone? [and your parents being pleased will just be a side effect] and you are most certainly in dire need of it too to overcome your problems of nervousness, depression, self harm etc, etc,; if you surrender to ALlah, exalted be He, properly sister you will see the way of overcoming all of these problems and life will be happy and peacefull and problem free for you again; also you will have a loving and happy relationship with your parents again
hope this all helps sister
Salam
ps: self harming such as cutting yourself could potentially kill you sister, if you loose too much blood, you can die; also you have mentioned that you feel you may not live long; if there was any hint of you contemplating suicide in that statement, then the warning of hell that I gave you previously sister was no joke; just take a look at the following:
The Noble Qur'an - An-Nisa 4:29
...And do not kill yourselves (nor kill one another). Surely, Allah is Most Merciful to you.
Hadith - Bukhari 2:445, Narrated Thabit bin Ad-Dahhak
The Prophet said, "Whoever intentionally swears falsely by a religion other than Islam, then he is what he has said, (e.g. if he says, 'If such thing is not true then I am a Jew,' he is really a Jew). And whoever commits suicide with piece of iron will be punished with the same piece of iron in the Hell Fire." Narrated Jundab the Prophet said, "A man was inflicted with wounds and he committed suicide, and so Allah said: My slave has caused death on himself hurriedly, so I forbid Paradise for him."
Hadith - Bukhari 7:670, Narrated Abu Huraira
The Prophet said, "Whoever purposely throws himself from a mountain and kills himself, will be in the (Hell) Fire falling down into it and abiding therein perpetually forever; and whoever drinks poison and kills himself with it, he will be carrying his poison in his hand and drinking it in the (Hell) Fire wherein he will abide eternally forever; and whoever kills himself with an iron weapon, will be carrying that weapon in his hand and stabbing his abdomen with it in the (Hell) Fire wherein he will abide eternally forever."
Hadith - Qudsi 28
There was amongst those before you a man who had a wound. He was in [such] anguish that he took a knife and made with it a cut in his hand, and the blood did not cease to flow till he died. Allah the Almighty said: My servant has himself forestalled Me; I have forbidden him Paradise.
My heart is heavy after reading your post sister. I wish I could be there next to you and be your friend and hug you and tell you that everything will be all right, to hang on in there!
First of all let me tell you that... alhamdulillah, you have accomplished so much with so much adversity! Don't be embarrassed about your GED... it's amazing you got it given all the family tensions. I'm sure most people wouldn't even have been able to do such thing.
Sister unfortunately (I'm sure this is obvious for anyone reading this) your family is disfunctional and that has resulted in you suffering abuse that has led you to become ill and lack confidence. I'm sure your parents love you very much and are not aware of the harm that they have caused you.
I understand your mom compelling you as a child to wear it but once you were already capable of your own decisions at 14... they should have respected your choice. No one should be yelled at, abused, or taken out of school because she doesn't wear hijab. This is not Islam and it's sad that your parents are not educated about it.
Now... sister, do you think if another respected Muslim (e.g. an Imam, a Muslim social worker) spoke to your parents that they would listen? Do you think things could change for you?
If that is the case... I do have connections with a Muslim organization called "Peaceful families" that deal with all kinds of cases of disfunction, like yours. They help families accept each other for what they are and have a better, more peaceful relationship. They have Imams and social workers and psychologists who work with Muslim families.
I think that would be the best choice for now. If you think it's a good idea, you can send me a private message and tell me more or less which area you live in and so I can put you in contact with them.
On another note... have you ever considered moving out of your parents' house? I strongly strongly believe that the first solution (someone working with you as a family to protect you and try to "fix" your family relationship) is the better choice, but I want to know if you have ever considered leaving as a last resort. Do you have other relatives that you trust?
Finally sister, if you are feeling extremely depressed and you are thinking about death or anything like that... do not hesitate to go to the doctor, or to talk to any of the suicide-hotlines. Even if you are not necessarily feeling suicidal, you can talk to them about your problems, you feeling hopeless, sad, etc. These people have a lot of resources and can help!
I will pray for you tonight sister! And remember, if you can't bring yourself to pray salah for now, you can still pray whenever you can. When you are in bed, alone at night, you can simply ask God to help you, to guide you, to give you strength.
Dear Sister mona, Salaam to you and all my best wishes.
You say you are twenty years old. That means you are an adult and can make our own decisions and take control of your own life. I am not suggesting that it will be easy, but you must have confidence in yourself. All I can do is wish you the best, but all things are possible.
Wearing the hijab is a choice. I have never chosen to wear it except as a matter of respect when in a mosque. How you choose to follow Islam must be entirely your choice and nobody else's. Refuse to be intimidated.
Sister Ceren has given you excellent advice and she has also recommended where you can receive assistance. I urge you to follow her advice.
Aisha S. Lieutenant Colonel US Army
PS. and sister mona, 85% of the soldiers I command are men.
May this message find you in the best of health and spirits.
Though it's easy to blame the hijab, I believe your issues do not stem from this, e.g. re "my parents never encouraged me to have friends or social life. every single friend i made, even muslim ones, they found something wrong with them." I find aspects of your story quite incredulous (passive Arab dad, such emphasis on hijab, your dad seems to stray from supportive to non-supportive then back, if your mum became more religious she should know hijab is only for girls beyond 12-13/ puberty - not for you at age 10 - and should not be imposed, your mum forcing you to pray after having become more religious while your dad was laid back but at same time backed your mum; if you're so self-conscious about your self-harm I'm surprised you'd mention so many details in your very first post).
Note that wearing hijab etc should be a free decision ("There is no compulsion in religion", 2:256), i.e. nobody should force you to wear it or deny you to wear it.
Anyways, back to your query: "i just want some advice...what should i do about my family and my hijab...?"
As a convert to Islam whose family didn't take my conversion well, my suggestion would be - focus on the important things in life. Take time what that is in your life (your family, your religion, your education etc - God willing you and your parents can agree there are many more relevant issues than wearing hijab, especially in sense of covering your hair! Hijab in true sense is modesty in dress AND behaviour for man AND woman, incl. your parents) and if one or more of your important things in life are (temporarily) not compatible with one another due to your circumstances, then prioritise what's most important to you and go for it. Not knowing enough details, I couldn't advise you specific things to do... perhaps speak to your parents more generally about religion and that man has a free will, that now that you're an adult your actions will be on your record, no longer on your parents and thus they shouldn't restrict you fearing it on their record. Also, considering the severe self-esteem issues you seem to have, I would speak with them about that - why did they always find fault in your friends? And how come they let it get so bad with your destructive coping mechanisms? (this is SO unislamic!) Focusing on different topics may help ease the air between you and your parents. Otherwise, as you're twenty and thus a grown woman, I would make (if you don't already have them) relevant contacts in the mosque and if no other way, set yourself up outside the family home, even if only for the waters to calm and for you to gather yourself, work on your self-esteem issues (your parents don't seem to be a positive influence on this!).
Keep us posted on how you're getting along. May God make your life easier (noting God will not burden you with more than you can bear and that this life is only a test).
O ye Children of Adam! We have bestowed raiment upon you to cover your shame, as well as to be an adornment to you. But the raiment of righteousness,- that is the best. Such are among the Signs of Allah, that they may receive admonition! [Quran 7:26]
I am a woman from an Arab Muslim family, and I do not wear a headscarf in tribute to Allah. Our outward tribute to Allah is to be found in our mild manner, humility, expanded knowledge, and kindness to others.
Sadly, your mother been unkind to you, and she has taught you nothing to be proud in following her demands that you cover your head. The deficiency is not in you, but in her, for parents, although they can be well meaning, are not always wise in their practice.
Your relationship with God is a personal one, as is so for all Muslims. You need to decide if your faith is great enough for you to believe that Allah did not make Islam hard for us, that He has made a path for you that is not the same as your mother's, and that it is ok not to follow her, but to follow Allah.
Some Muslims are blinded by the magic hijab. They imbue it with blessings and powers that belong only to Allah and that He bestows on each of us with or without headcovering; if we believe in Him alone. In the Quran, Allah never demands headcovering, but he does demand that we lift the hijab from our hearts and minds as a way to know and love Him. He is the center of the Message, the Protector, the Best of Planners. No cloth has that power, not among men and not before God. Some of us lose sight of that in a quest to control women and lay the burden of honor, culture and tradition upon us while allowing men to run free, as your father does.
It is not insignificant that your mother has given up on your father's lack of practice and sought to instead pour all of her frustrations about him onto you. A manipulated child is less of a threat to the way she sees herself than the man she chose who has fallen away.
I understand Arab cultures and know that for some of us, women are the surge that must be kept in check. But, Allah has always allowed free will to us; the ability to make choices we can be proud of and mistakes we can learn from.
I took off my hijab when I was your age, which did not sit well with my grandfather. I am now nearly 60 without hijab costuming, and am closer than ever to Allah by choice; a choice I am proud of. That kind of hijab did not make me any more or less a Muslim or a woman. If I had been forced to wear it, I probably would have resented Islam and left it, as did some of my kin, and I would have missed a lot. I stayed because Allah has ALWAYS been kinder, sweeter, more uplifting and knowledgable than any Muslim I know. I respect Him by the way I carry myself among others, and in that I can place necessary boundaries when need be.
Our Creator is not confined to nor defined by any one culture, practice, or nation, for the Word spanned the globe even before it reached the Arabs. It is not required that we dress in any particular cultural manner to be Muslim. It is required that we be modest, humble and learn our faith, and learning the faith is the way to open our eyes.
Your parents haev done their best with what they have, but you are an adult now, and it is up to you to learn and grow in a way that makes your personal relationship with God central to your relationship with any person. It is only by doing so that you can have the kind of peaceful and mutually benficial relationship with your family that you long for. At this time, your practice and your beliefs are being dicated to you thru another Muslim with an agenda that has not served you well, and that is wrong in many ways.
Allah does not give is a burden that He will not help you overcome. Approach your mother with respect, and inform her that you must find your way with the guidance of Allah; that shame and discordance has not helped you build your faith in a constructive way. That, if you are to don the hijab again, it must be by choice and not because she is angry or embarassed by you. She wil need to trust she raised you well, and that the good lessons you have learned from her will advice your behavior to a point, but that she should yield to what you will learn about faith out of love for God, not out of fear of her.
Insha'allah, you will find the strength to allow Him to apply His Plan for you and to quell the discomfort in your mother. If anything I have said has caused your burden to lessen, then thank our Lord and our Nabis, for they are my shepards. I will make dua for you. Please let us know how you are doing in the future, for we want only the best for you, sister.
Salaam
miraj
"I'm for truth, no matter who tells it. I'm for justice, no matter who it is for or against. I'm a human being, first and foremost, and as such I'm for whomever and whatever benefits humanity as a whole." ~ Malcolm X Proud supporter of the One-State Solution for Palestine
I read your post as well as the replys. I disagree with some of the advise that you have been given and wish for you to carefully consider what you do. You are young and these matters DO weigh on life records. InshAllaah you will make the correct choices.
I am a convert and I by no means know all the right answers. BUT as many converts do, I read and study a great deal. Alhumdillah....I have that thrist for knowledge of Islam! I honestly believe that hijab is fard. LONG sleeves go with that....My hands and my face are exposed as that is what my husband says is ok in the western culture where we are living but should we go overseas where niqab is kool--I am all for it as he is as well. He is Arab and I am average white girl if any one is wondering and I was Muslim LONG before we ever met.
I didnt wear hijab until about 1.5 yrs ago. I was working full time in a professional job and it wasnt something that really would have gone over well at all. My heart always really wanted it though. I later moved in with my parents and for some reason--one day I just put it on! Not exactly sure what triggered it fully other than a couple conversations with a Dr friend on a few other topics but there where fireworks at my mothers house! She didnt talk to me for a week! I had just left the hospital and couldnt drive and she loaded the fridge up with pork!!! It was just after Ramadan---I went on an almost fast---ate fruit, raisins, and granola bars...and tuna for about a month....until I was strong enough to drive again! Never took it off when I shouldnt and keep up my prayers even when my parents acted a bit crazy with me....pounding on my bedroom door when they KNEW i was praying to ask if i wanted a cheeseburger???!!!!????Yeah right? Crazy nonsesnse like that....They had known for years that I wouldnt eat meat that wasnt Halal....ugh!
So...things got worst when they tried to force their thanksgiving and christmas holidays on me....angry that I would not particate. I was nice and took the photos for them. I tried to be helpful to my mother as I lived there but stayed out of the way overall. She had a housefull of guest. She was upset that I would not exchange gifts with them. Boo-hiss to me.
By February it had become clear that I HAD to move out asap....so I started making plans. I prayed for months about this. I really didnt know what I was going to do. I cried quite a bit. I felt very lost. I could not cook in my parents home, they didnt not like me to but complained if I didnt also! They complained when I cleaned and when I didnt!!! Nothing was ever good enough honestly! I am nearly 40 years old and have had 2 successful careers, have 2 grown children now, and I was totally frustrated that I was being SO disrespected personally and it honestly was because of my religion...it was not like this until i started wearing hijab.
I prayed to my God to rescue me. I looked online at those marriage sites and so many of them where full of jerks and liars! I talked to a couple that actually seemed honest....Finally one day, I got an email from one that I had glanced at but thought he would NEVER be interested in ME---he seemed very religious and knowledgable....and actually once I had adjested my profile to note the scholars I liked---only a couple replied to me!!!lolz!!! The ones who had NO knowledge didnt bother me anymore....SO I started talking to this man online. We both really liked each other and we made plans to met! (No please remamber I am NO 20 yr old virgin--I am older experienced woman) I made plans to marry my NOW husband. We are very happy Alhudillaah! We have a simple Islamic home. InshAllaah we will be blessed with a long and happy marriage!
My major point with telling YOU my story is that Allaah (swt) alone is the only one that can answer our prayers. Asking anyone else is useless. Yes, as Muslims, we are advised to take the advise of others that have more knowledge than us, but in the end, it is Allaah (swt), alone who decrees our Qadar (destiny).
I know that in some places like Iran, where Shia are, they do all sorts of unusual things.....and other countries like Bangladesh, India and Pakistan there is a mix in whether the women wear hijab fully our just pull the scarf lightly over their hair---that's not hijab! Nor is having your ears out with your cute earrings showing---I LOVE my goldhoops too, girl! But only my hubby is going to see them! Hijab entails covering your hair, your ears, your bosum (boobs/chest/neck) your arms all the way to your wrists! It means that you are covered to your ankles and that it isnt see thru!!! I KNOW it is hot in the summer and we all like those fabrics that are light weight....there is even a hadith about that! But if it is see-thru! It isnt hijab! I LOVE pretty colors but I don't wear them when I am out alone ever--I may wear something a bit more cheerful--like a yellow--when I am with my husband when we are going on a picnic together to the mountains---but there are hadiths about the bright colors are well! That is actually haraam! Natural tones are considered the best! Unless it is for a child I believe....I am not totally positive but I think that is what I remember....Allaah knows best.
Having felt forced to wear hijab I understand you felt harrassed. There are many ways your mother could have worked with you to avoid this, such as allowing you to select what colors you wished to have as well as the various styles of hijab you wanted. There are many ways you can tie a hijab not just wearing an amira! If you are in facebook---check out hijabi fastionista! Has links as well to how to change your look! One night I was messing around and did the turkish hijab! It made a total mess of my hair but it was neat to see how it looked! My Muslimah friends all got a kick seeing the snaps! lolz!
Learn! The greatest gift you will ever give yourself is your education! Stop knocking yourself for community college! Ugh! There is NOTHING wrong with that or a GED!!! You are doing all of that! And what about learning how to read Qu'ran---espanol.islamweb.net/ver2/engblue/newser...
Try this link--there are SO many virtues to learning this. You said your parents at least your father is Arab--so do you speak Arabic? If not that link can help some with that as well....and get him to help you as well....perhaps it will encourage him back to the right path InshAllaah.
Someone commented that you should make friends at the Masjid...perhaps....but beware of backbiting. When you talk about your parents as you have here...although I can clearly see you are very desperate for help, that is backbiting and is a very bad sin! It is NOT something to be done in the Msajod. When we go to the Masjid, it is for the purpose of worshipping Allaah (swt) alone. Excahnge numbers, talk OUTSIDE the masjid, but NEVER gossip, and chat inside the masjid, that is haraam.
The writer also told you about self harm very clearly. That is very true. It is preferable that you look for a female Dr and perhaps a Muslim one if you can. In most larger cities there is an university that will offer reduced or free services if needed if you fill out the paperwork with them prior to being seen....Check into it...and ASK specifically for a FEMALE dr and then ask for a Muslim as well so she can understand what you are going thru :) InshAllaah. What you say to her remains confidential. Your parents will never know.
We cannot simply LEAVE our parents home. That is haraam on us. Unless you are living with an appropriate relative it would not be halal. You cannot simply live alone. I wanted to myself before in lieu of living with MY parents! but it was haraam on me--and they were christian--my Imam advised me it was still preferable I stay with them. No one can cast doubts on my character living with them vs living alone. It was one of the greatest trials in my life actually but Alhumdillah I managed it! I honestly thought a couple times it was going to seriously kill me living with them and the things they allowed to go on within the home!
I also believe prayer of course is fard. We have NO way around that except of course when we have our cycles....duh!
You seem like a smart young woman....so InshAllaah with time and prayer, your life with begin to improve. Take care of yourself.
We cannot simply LEAVE our parents home. That is haraam on us. Unless you are living with an appropriate relative it would not be halal. You cannot simply live alone. I wanted to myself before in lieu of living with MY parents! but it was haraam on me--and they were christian--my Imam advised me it was still preferable I stay with them. No one can cast doubts on my character living with them vs living alone. It was one of the greatest trials in my life actually but Alhumdillah I managed it! I honestly thought a couple times it was going to seriously kill me living with them and the things they allowed to go on within the home!
This is unrelated but although maybe for the scholars you follow living alone is haram, but it is not for many other scholars. In hanafi and shafi'i fiqh, a woman can live alone as long as her honor and safety are not in danger. I don't know where you live, but I least where I live it's pretty safe and honorable for women to live alone so that is a non-issue for Muslim women. That has been the general ruling that women here follow.
Re: "We cannot simply LEAVE our parents home. That is haraam on us." - this is a bit strong! Nobody is suggesting she just leave for no reason or that alternative to leaving the parental home is living alone... I'm no scholar, but I'm sure most would be understanding that if Sr Mona is being so badly treated by her parents as to self-harm so badly that reminding her to stick a piece of cloth on her head is not very helpful advice, with all due respect.
Also, I'm a bit disappointed that several of the contribitions focus solely on emphasising the obligation of wearing the hijab... I don't disagree that hijab should be worn, but out of FREE WILL, NOT by compulsion of her parents/ mum and especially not from the tender age of ten. Also, in cases of serious self-harm and her parents behaviour's serious impact on the girl's wellbeing (scars and needing medication), her survival and wellbeing need to take precedence.
I pray there are some good people near where she lives who can have a good chat with her parents, help the sister combat her destructive coping mechanism and offer her a safe environment for her to heal and hopefully realise that what she's experiencing is not from Islam, but over-zealous Muslims.
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] once upon a time, I argued against hijab I think once [may ALLAH forgive me ameen] but that was in my teens when I was totally ignorant about Islam 
; fancy me arguing against something which I didn't even know about? 
... and hijab comes somewhere close to that...; here is a fatwa from a well renouned and reputable Scholar sister that says it all:
I honestly believe that hijab is fard. LONG sleeves go with that....My hands and my face are exposed as that is what my husband says is ok in the western culture where we are living but should we go overseas where niqab is kool--I am all for it as he is as well. He is Arab and I am average white girl if any one is wondering and I was Muslim LONG before we ever met. 
Never took it off when I shouldnt and keep up my prayers even when my parents acted a bit crazy with me....pounding on my bedroom door when they KNEW i was praying to ask if i wanted a cheeseburger???!!!!????Yeah right? Crazy nonsesnse like that....They had known for years that I wouldnt eat meat that wasnt Halal....ugh!
I honestly thought a couple times it was going to seriously kill me living with them and the things they allowed to go on within the home!