i need some advice, m a doctor and since last 5 months started chattin/talkin with this muslim gal after parents consent that we both are inteterested.no both out parents are from old school of thoughts,conservative although her parents are a bit open minded. neither of us have met yet,but r planning to meet in 2months. now this girl is also a doctor and has graduated form europe,she very open minded and has told me she hasnt done anything haram in her life. her life style is like, sh wears jeans, t shirt, no hijab, goes to party late nit and also goes to alcoholic parties,but says she never drinks and even goes to discoteque,but says never dances and just sits there with her friends. another thing is that she has got lot n lots of friends,boys and girls,most of them talk dirty. and hse says theyh r my 10 yr old frends,since school.and she tells me that i m not goin to like them,even though i told her i m least inteterested in her friends.she not that regular in her prayers/quran.she goes out for shopping a lot.although hse has told that if after gettin married she wud practice abaya/hijab. my life style, is simple,although i am also open minded,but dont part late night,rarely go for parties,i do pray n read quran. when i told her tht if we get married, she will find it difficult to live the same life she has been living,but she says she will adjust and be the gilr i want and respect parents. although my parents have already hinted me that the gilr is very forward!!! now since we love each other very much , i am very much tense as to what to do, thinking that if we get married, wud she be able to live the life i want her to live.
well I would have said, dont marry this girl, for from experience and a lot of observation I have seen that 'old habits die hard', but since you are both in love, I'll say, why not give it a try and be optimistic about the whole issue?
InshAllah in regards to things like her partying and stuff, well Muslims girls, esepcially those from a conservative background, do tend to give all this up once their married if their husband dont want them to; with girls, they get carried away in that lifestyle when their single and get mixed up with the wrong crowd, but they know that such a lifestyle is rarely accepted once their married; the fitrah helps in brining them back to the straight and norrow too thus there is certainly reason to be optimistic about
Also maybe here is a chance for you to gradually change a wayward sisters way for the better inshAllah; if she gets hooked up with a simmilar husband to her, then she just may continue in her immodest ways, but I think she may change her ways for the better [such as pray and read Quran more often and become more of a traditional muslim girl in her practices, etc, at least to a more 'conventional level', if she gets married to you, so with such intentions in mind, there will be no harm in giving your marriage a try and if the worst should come to the worst, then no probs, you can allways find yourself another wife inshAllah
...This girl is also a doctor and has graduated form europe,she very open minded and has told me she hasnt done anything haram in her life. her life style is like, sh wears jeans, t shirt, no hijab, goes to party late nit and also goes to alcoholic parties,but says she never drinks and even goes to discoteque,but says never dances and just sits there with her friends. another thing is that she has got lot n lots of friends,boys and girls,most of them talk dirty. and hse says theyh r my 10 yr old frends,since school.and she tells me that i m not goin to like them,even though i told her i m least inteterested in her friends.she not that regular in her prayers/quran.she goes out for shopping a lot.although hse has told that if after gettin married she wud practice abaya/hijab. my life style, is simple,although i am also open minded,but dont part late night,rarely go for parties,i do pray n read quran. when i told her tht if we get married, she will find it difficult to live the same life she has been living,but she says she will adjust and be the gilr i want and respect parents. although my parents have already hinted me that the gilr is very forward!!! now since we love each other very much , i am very much tense as to what to do, thinking that if we get married, wud she be able to live the life i want her to live.
please give you valuable advice.
thanks
Assalamu `alaykum,
One of the reasons in Islam we're not encouraged to "freely mingle" with the opposite sex, be it over the phone, online, or in person, is because often "infatuation" takes over and clouds our judgement.
When we choose a partner for life, it is VERY important that we have common life goals, common lifestyles, common values... if not... chances are there will be problems in the long-run.
May I ask why is that you "love so much" this girl? It seems that both of you don't see eye-to-eye in many things (you don't have to answer this question here, just think about it for yourself). Someone can be "fun", "great to be around", make us feel "great", but those are not the things that weight the most when we choose a partner for life.
If your lady friend doesn't wear hijab, parties, has male friends, doesn't pray... chances are she will not after you guys are married. Wearing hijab, praying, not partying... are things that, for them to be done for a lifetime, are done for the sake of Allah, out of love for Allah swt, not so that we can "hook up" with a brother. I know A LOT of cases where the woman tried to "change" for the husband (and viceversa) and in the end it didn't work because the woman (or man) did not want to change their lifestyle. At the beginning they tried to pray, wear hijab, etc, etc. for their husbands but in the end they ended up resenting their husbands for it and stopped doing those things. By that time, kids were already in the picture and the whole thing got really messy.
So... my advice? Seek someone that is more similar to you. Or... if you still want to give it a shot with this girl, have a serious conversation with her and tell her the kind of life you want to live and if she says she'd want to do that too, she needs to start NOW, not after marriage. She should start praying now, wearing hijab now, stop partying now, to see if she'll be able to deal with that kind of life. Praying 5 times/day is not easy... waking up for fajr when you really want to continue sleeping is not that easy and unless you have a real committment to the deen, you will not be able to keep it up. And think how weird it will be if then the mother of your children doesn't pray....
There are lots of religious, good-hearted, professional sisters out there.
I totally agree with sister Ceren on this one. It is highly unlikely that a girl who is having "this much fun" will want to stop ALL OF A SUDDEN. Allah guides whom He will, but He also said: "IF YOU TAKE ONE STEP TOWARD ME, I WILL RUN TO YOU."
This girl needs to take that step toward Allah NOW, not later, IF SHE IS SERIOUS about changing. From what you describe, she does not sound like she is SERIOUS.
Someone suggested that you marry her and if it didn't work out, then WALK AWAY? That wasn't very practical advice. Divorce is never easy.
There are many traits to look for when seeking a partner in marriage. The FIRST AND MAJOR one should be for their DEEN, and then for their LOOKS, etc, etc. Knowing that Allah is in charge of the Universe, trust in Him and pray to HIM to bless you with a good Mu'mina who shares your values and principles. Like Ceren said, there are a lot of good prospects out there. Insha'Allah you will find one who will make you very happy and may you be blessed with a dozen children. Well, maybe half a dozen.
Marriage is a VERY serious thing, and divorce is even something more serious. Divorce is the halal thing MOST HATED by Allah swt, so why would anyone take it lightly?
I would strongly advise you against getting into a marriage with the mentality "well, I'll just go for it... if it doesn't work then I'll just find myself another wife". That's almost a mockery of the sacred institution of marriage.
And it will never be that simple. You get married and your wife gets pregnant (which can happen even if you're using contraception). Then if you divorce a poor child will be brought up with a broken family :(
Even if you don't have any children, when you get married, the 2 families sort of "merge". So if you get divorce, families will get involved, it will be a mess, people WILL get hurt, etc, etc.
In addition, you need to realize that unfortunately there's a stigma against divorcees in our communities. So imagine you leave this sister "stigmatized" just for marrying in an irresponsible way? That would be just awful and you'd have a lot to answer to Allah swt.
I am not of your faith, but that doesn't apply here to be honest with U. Normally I would reply in detail, but after briefly scanning your previous replies, I would fully support the wisdom from Ceren! One of the #1 reasons marriages in America don't work is due to individuals not understanding the purpose of Dating. It prime purpose is to reveal if the talk matches the actions. Someone can tell U anything to create a image that U must prove to be the truth or false. The key is to first identify 3 key elements U cannot tolerate for whatever reason. U should spend quality time to write these down an to make sure they are your highest priority things that would be a Deal Breaker. If it's Celibacy, write it down. The Open-mindedness comes in understanding that most people are not perfect so U need to separate those things that can be tolerable for U! If U want to comply with your beliefs to the letter (Exactly), then don't fool yourself into thinking someone will change just for U! The area of religion becomes a bigger issue down the line when children are brought into the equation and how they are to be raised. If U and your mate are not in agreement, then many problems will arise. The point here is U more than likely will not have a perfect match with someone, but U can filter out the obvious via sticking to your Top 3 Deal Breaker List. If U are young 20's and still want to pursue her,U may need to find a way for her to test what she says she has the will to do. A Person's environment does play a part in their actions, because over time whatever it is wears on the person and they become vulnerable to things they did not do before. One of the key elements to finding out what a person is about is to spend time with them an their friends. Friends will always reveal the things that person may not want to reveal to a future mate once they have accepted U an let their guard down. I would observe the interactions between her and those she may call her best friends. I would also identify the LCD within her inner circle. That is the Lowest Common Denominator, a person of bad influence, who takes chances an lives on the edge. Many times women as well as men have a friend like this an sort of live through this person. Between the positive and somewhat negative influence who has the greater power or pull on her. If U see that the LCD has the greatest pull, this may not be the person for U!U will be stacking the deck against yourself and in a battle for her attention that U could easily loose. The last place of influence is her relationship with her parents, if there is a problem there, again U are stacking the deck against yourself to fail. In situation such as that, the guy is used to fill a void left by some past neglect of the parents. Not Good!, Not Impossible, but generally not good! There is a saying, Be true to yourself! Which means know thyself first before one goes in search of a mate. The list will help U confirm what your core values are, it should not become a long shopping list, usually it very hard to identify the top 3 and leave the rest alone. SO all that to say, I believe she is NOT the one for U, but I have provided U a few tools to confirm that before moving on! Marriage is a challenge even for two well matched people, so it tends to increase the size of the mountain one must climb when U have too many self imposed obstacles in your path. Pray for U to find that which U seek!
Trust your instinct. Meet the girl and spend time with her and if you feel she will be the kind of wife you want, marry her. If you feel uncomfortable, or if you sense that she is just trying to change herself to please you, move on. Anyone who changes themselves not because they believe it is right but for another person, is not being true to themselves.
Praying 5 times/day is not easy... waking up for fajr when you really want to continue sleeping is not that easy and unless you have a real committment to the deen, you will not be able to keep it up.
Ceren
Asalaam alaikum Sr. Ceren!
man, it's fajr somewhere though, isnt' it?
I haven't been here for awhile and wonder about you and others. Hope you are well :)
SDA
who very often prays fajr laaaaate...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
and wellcome
