Before I start writing, I just want everybody to know that I am completely aware of the traditional religious oppinion on this matter and I completely understand and agree with the importance of self control and patience. What I am looking for here is practical advise.
I've known a girl for over 4 years (during college) in which we slowly developed from aquiantances to friends to something more. We are both traditional and adherant to the core Islamic principles in this regards. We have never been alone together, our families know each other and there is much respect between us. I've suggested engagement not too long ago, in which our friendship was forced to break for a while until we both got over the shock of potential marriage. Currently, we have started talking again and I am just trying to develop a genuine friendship with a mutual understanding of potential for marriage in the future.
However, recently, I have become obsessed with seeing how she looks without her hijab. Its not a 24/7 thing, but it comes up every now and then. I have great respect for the Hijab and who she is by wearing it. But i just feel that knowing somebody for so long, falling in love with them and not knowing how they look like is a big deal. I've tried old archives, facebook, everything. Nothing. This is one of my flaws and my main weaknesses and I'm pretty sure that after everything, she is a girl with normal girl features. I have no clue why this subject occupies my mind so controllingly. Funny thing is, whenever I see her, I thinking nothing of this matter, its only when I am away that this happen, and dare not mention this in front of her. I still feel bad and I was wondering if anybody out there has any sort of advise or similiar experience. I have an intention to marry her as soon as I get a good job. Anyways, this is the first time that I post something like this in public. Lets see what I get.
I think it's time to start fasting and doing more sports brother.
What you did with the facebook thing and you sister's iPod = not cool... you need to respect the women who want to cover their hair. They want to cover their hair because they don't want other people (and that includes YOU!) looking at their hair.
So excercise some self-control and don't allow yourself to even THINK about it. Whenever the thoughts appear in your mind, just do dhikr.
BTW, thoughts and feelings like that are normal to sometimes happen. Before getting married, I used to dream about me and my husband kissing. However... I soon realized that it was no good to indulge on this thoughts, since they had no purpose and they sort of made me all uneasy!
So look, it's not the end of the world if those thoughts pop up in your head, but it IS YOUR responsibility to act properly. And that includes chasing those thoughts away and not try EVER again to see your wife-to-be without her hijab.
Finally.. getting married now would be a great choice... no need to torture yourself. You both can get married but she can stay for now at her parent's house until you find a decent job and can support her. Then you'll be able to be with her more freely.
I must say I really agree with Ceren on this issue... you need to keep this thing under wraps.
As a guy, I would also advise you to just disregard this feeling. The more you try to fight with it and feel like you're denying yourself s'thing out of respect and love for this person, the bigger an issue it will become with you. And there are only so big issues a guy can deal with!!
The good thing is you got to know this lady, befriended her and more... while she wore her Hijab. Its only natural that part of your attraction to her will become physical at a point in time, and ...uhm... lets say, visual in this case. But like any other feelings of this attraction, which I also feel is wrongly termed as "lust", you can fight it and overcome it with just a bit of rational temperment. The problems associated with you giving in to it, on the contrary, may be way bigger than you and this special person, in essence.
I have also read some Ahadith, though quite sceptically, that as two people who intend to marry each other, you are allowed to respectfully "see" each other as completely, and decently as possible!! This is a notion that is very popular in my home community, though even if it's apparently based on some hadith, I believe this would be like on your wedding day, or once you have set yourselves to get married, and with full consent of both parties and even your families... as a sort of support for your decision. Summarily, I doubt that physical appearance is a justifiable reason to influence a person's maritial decision!
The compelling argument behind this, however, is to dispell any fears or anxieties one may have about the physical 'completeness' or 'normality' of their spouse, which may affect them after marriage, or would have affected their decision to marry this person in the first place. If your need is just to see this person without hijab, out of instinctive compulsions, then it does quite certainly constitute one of the tenets of zinah, that the prophet (SAW) strongly warned against, and should be fought against!
However, this practice is quite contraversial besause first, the hadith isn't from a very reliable source, and secondly, it is believed to be a concession for a practice carried over from the Jahiriya customs of the Arabs.
At the end of the day, the decision to disregard or make an issue out of this lays solely with you. If your love and respect for this person is giving you such guilt issues, especially of thoughts while you are apart...that shouldn't be so harsh a self-criticism. You think of her a lot even when you're apart, and a very primal instinct in you wants to sense more about her.
The key is to avoid these thoughts taking center stage in your mind (exercise, extra curricular activities, as Ceren advised) or even just accepting the feelings as natural, and letting them rest at, and as JUST THAT!! Don't feel compelled to act upon these feelings, or even too openly express them. To acknowledge a feeling is to accept it, and justify it. At your age, and level of exposure (Post-college, I think you noted) I'm more than certain you've had to deal with and temper other 'lustful' and even stronger feelings quite successfully. This shouldn't be any different, just because she's more special!!
Hmm, a verry peculiar craving brother; not healthy, not healthy at all,
Brother, why not try think of it in this way; she is most probably 'ok' in her figure and if by chance she turns out to be a lil not exactly what you were hoping, then you can practice sabr at that point and wait for all your desires to be fullfilled in jannah inshAllah ;]
MashAllah, you want to keep everything halaal, so why mess up for just that one craving which the satan has put in you?; get over it bro and you can see her without hijab after you marry her inshAllah
I suppose you've seen her face, and thats all you need ;]
