salkiran wrote:

My husband at the time of our marriage did not tell me he was married twicw before. He only said he was married once before for a few months. After a few months of our marriage during a conversation he admitted he was married twice before. I felt I was lied to and do not trust my husband. What does Islam say on these issues? How can I hold him accountable as he thinks its not a big deal but I on the other hand am very upset and cant forgive him. This and other factors are causing a drift in our marriage. I think trust is very important in a marriage. pl suggest.

Assalamu `alaykum,

I think if this was the ONLY issue in your marriage... at least from here the outside it doesn't seem like a big deal (this assuming he has no children from his previous marriages).

So... I think maybe your husband was ashamed of what he had done, and didn't want to tell you, so that's why he hid the fact from you. Yes, he should have told you but you need to differentiate whether:

a. He's a nice guy that made a mistake. He was not out there to "deceive you" he was just shy and embarrassed of telling you the whole story. But then he mustered courage and did

b. He lies and hides things in general


So ... I don't know... it could be you're reading too much into it because there are other things affecting the marriage, or other times where he's been hiding things, I don't know.

All the best,
Ceren

It does  not bother him because where he comes from he says being married more than once is not a big deal. He says he told me about his one marriage so whats the big deal if he didnt tell me about the second one. Iasked him if I did the same would he accept it ,his reply was NO!!!!! What also bothers me is the fact that this the way he deals with everything that I have an issue with. Our age difference is 11 years and since we got married what ever I have been suggesting to him is childish for him. He is very much setteled in his way of lifestyle, its work ,home, computer and sleep and on the weekends the cars and the masjid. As for me I have the kids,home and everything that goes with them. I'am ok like this I can live like this for my kids but I have lost any interest for my husband. Many a fights have also aggrevated the situation. Nowadays we live in the house with our kids like perfect strangers to eachother we only communicate when the need arises a few sentences per day. I know this is not a very Islamic family life but  cant think of a more peaceful avenue. Do you have any suggestions on any aspect?

salkiran wrote:

It does not bother him because where he comes from he says being married more than once is not a big deal. He says he told me about his one marriage so whats the big deal if he didnt tell me about the second one. Iasked him if I did the same would he accept it ,his reply was NO!!!!! What also bothers me is the fact that this the way he deals with everything that I have an issue with. Our age difference is 11 years and since we got married what ever I have been suggesting to him is childish for him. He is very much setteled in his way of lifestyle, its work ,home, computer and sleep and on the weekends the cars and the masjid. As for me I have the kids,home and everything that goes with them. I'am ok like this I can live like this for my kids but I have lost any interest for my husband. Many a fights have also aggrevated the situation. Nowadays we live in the house with our kids like perfect strangers to eachother we only communicate when the need arises a few sentences per day. I know this is not a very Islamic family life but cant think of a more peaceful avenue. Do you have any suggestions on any aspect?

Assalamu 3alaykum,

NOW I'm understanding things... So...

a. You need to talk to you husband. If you think he's not going to listen, you need to bring someone else to the equation (e.g. marital counselor).

b. Whatever it is... you should speak to your husband. Also think if you think if writing him something instead of talking would be better.

In the letter, or in the talk, you need to talk calmly and state things like:

a. Whether you are 11 years younger or what, if you're mature enough to make the daily decisions inn the life of your childdren, and if you're trusted with that, then you're mature enough for your decisions to be heard and respected. BTW, my mom is 15 years younger than my father and NOT ONCE I ever heard him belittle her.  My father ALWAYS asked for my mom's advice, even though my father is the older and more educated of the 2.

b. The big deal is not that he was married 1, 2, 3, 4, times before... the big deal is that he CONCEALED something from you. And while he might have no problem with people who hide the truth, you, as a Muslim who fears Allah, do.

c. You want to have a MARRIAGE and it is his DUTY also as a husband to be participant in the life of his children. So he cannot behave like a selfish KID (it's funny he's calling you a kid when he's behaving like one) and thus do whatever he wants and not care about him.
Tell him that you both need to come up with a schedule where you put in it time for each one to spend apart, and time for family and couple's time. So really, do a schedule. One of the weekend days should be family day, so he should spend most of the day with you and the kids and plan family activities. Also during the week, you should also set time aside for you to be together and do couple's stuff. Maybe go to bed early and watch a movie in bed together, or talk together, or anything!

There is a book that someone recommended to me "The seven principles to make marriage work". It's a book that talks about marriage and has excercises for both the husband and wife to do, that will help you in your marriage. Maybe you can buy it and both can read it and do the excercises during the time you both put to be together.

Just to sum up my last point, he needs to realize that both you and him are going to have to make compromises and come up with a plan that works for BOTH of you. So far it's not working so changes need to be made.

All the best,
Ceren

Marriage or mirage??

Is it a real marriage or just a mirage? Think about it.