I have been married for almost 3 years. My husband is a kind, God-fearing, good Muslim (maybe too good since people tend to take advantage of him). He provides for me, we split the housework, I stopped working to study and he still supports me and asks very little of me. I was crazy about him when we got married. I could not believe I found such an amazing man!
However... things happened in these years. We've hurt each other, we've fought, we don't always see eye-to-eye in religious matters, etc.
So...I feel like I'm in a dead marriage, where we both try to cohabitate in the best way we can, trying to be nice to each other. I don't think he loves me anymore. I think he loves me "for the sake of Allah" and cares about me, but he doesn't "I'm crazy about you" love me. Me...I don't know what I feel about him anymore. I think I generally feel love has left my heart but sometimes I feel a little spark going here and there. I feel VERY lonely, and that we don't connect and that we really don't share much.
I don't know a lot of other married people so I don't know how marriages are supposed to be. On one hand I sometimes feel I'm so ungrateful and I should just shut up and be happy that I have such an amazing husband. But on the other hand, I catch myself day-dreaming about love, about finding a real companion I could build a family with.
So... what is it? Is this what marriage is? This is how I'm going to live the rest of my life and I should just continue, as I'm doing now, finding outside things that make me happy? I really don't know.
On a second point (this is an not-so-related ranting) I just feel that I don't know my husband. And one of the (many) reasons that this happens is because I think he chooses not to reveal himself (not that he does it on purpose, but that's just what happens). For e.g... I have things that are ... not so nice. For e.g... my mom can call me at some point and I just want to relax so I'm thinkg... grrr... when is she going to stop talking. So I would tell this "weakness" to my husband. I would tell this because, like it or not, it's who I am, and I want him to help me be better. But I feel my husband, even if he didn't want his mom to call, would "brainwash" himself to thinking that he's so happy his mom call, and would tell me that he wasn't bothered his mom called. I have had this feeling for some time but the last time I went to counseling I had this sort of epiphany. I was talking to the counselor that my husband doesn't want to have children and that makes me very sad, etc. So she asked me how come he didn't want to. And I said he's afraid his children won't love him, or that he won't be able to love his child. And so the counselor said... "oh wow, he doesn't love his parents and he doesn't feel loved by his parents so he thinks that the same thing is going to happen again". At that moment... so many things became clear. My husband comes from an abusive family, his father is an alcoholic, used to give him horrible beatings, etc, etc. So it's not like he doesn't love his parents but I'm sure he has conflicting feelings. However... if you would ask him, he would tell you he loves his parents so much, how much he's over everything ever happened, etc, etc. However, it doesn't look like he's over it for many things that he does/says. Now... this makes me feel like I don't know the "real him", that he's so into "being a good Muslim" that he would never even dare tell those things to himself. On the other hand... I could be making everything up and maybe I'm crazy :( I don't know what to do about this!
End of rant.
Oh, Ceren-this is a conversation that would be easier to have in person! I have so many questions and comments about your post, but not much time here.
I am divorced from a very wonderful man. If you find yourself getting through your marriage just based on this, it will cause problems later. Be thankful you don't have kids yet. Exploring what is going on is vital here. Maybe it is about his past -maybe not, but who knows. I think losing the hormonal initial in-love feeling is normal (I actually did not marry after falling in love, but I think most people in love marriages find this to be true). It is unreasonable to expect all of your fullfillment to come from your marriage, but at the same time this is your life partner, so there will be certain things that will be a priority for you to be getting out of the relationship. From your post it sounds like more is going on. My thoughts are no matter how uncomfortable or difficult it may be, everything you are thinking and feeling needs to come out in the open if it is not already. How do you envision your future together? How does he envision it? Have the conversation if you haven't already. There was a time in my marriage where I should have disclosed some feelings I had that would have been very painful for my ex-husband to hear. It is the one thing I regret-not just being out with it early on. I still wonder if my marriage could have been saved because of this. Take care of yourself and you will also be being respectful to him.
SDA
I’m so sorry you are going through this. And I don’t think you are crazy- as you put it.
Just a stab in the dark here.
Wonder if he acts this way to avoid all uncomfortable or painful emotions (“everything is rosy all the time!”), or if he fears you won’t love the real him? Maybe he fears others won’t like him either.
He needs to understand that by avoiding all emotional intimacy he may well lose his marriage-if only figuratively. And what kind of life it that, existing in a dead marriage? Just don’t know how one would get through to him as your feelings on this may well be dismissed much the same way your expression of irritation over the interruption of your relaxing time.
Asalamu Aleikum,
Perhaps the answer here is play. Sounds like the two of you may be in a rut. you're both busy and concentrating on school and work and could probably use regular play time to re-discover each other. What might you do together that would be really stress free and encourage both of you to let your hair down? if you can manage instances of being really free you'll be closer and the closer you get the more likely he is to communicate emotionally with you during the play session and then in other situations.
I guess I also wonder... is it possible to have a nice, happy, fulfilling marriage if both "participants" are very different? If so, how?
I think of my relationship with my husband and I realize that we don't agree on many issues. I can't think of many times that I said..."I think this..." , or "I think we should do this.." and my husband saying "Right on!". We have different views on religion, on how to live our lives, etc.
And we are also at very different "stages" in our spiritual path (I'm the one behind). So I many times find myself foolishly thinking that I wish my husband was not as far in his path so he could be my companion in my journey :( This obviously makes me feel quite guilty as well... I must be crazy to wish my husband weren't as good as he is!
So... is it possible to not feel lonely if there are not so many points in common? How to find/cultivate common things?
I had to detach--and allow my husband to follow his own spiritual path a couple years ago. His relationshp with God is not about what I think it should be. Rather it is about what he believes and practicies.
Then I had to focus on what we did share, the values we have in common. And there are many, I am fortunate in having a husband who is also a companion and best friend. But that took a LOT of work to get to. We disagreed about soo much at first. I did keep my mind open to his views and learned to listen --rather than just wait to spout my opinions, and that has helped.
I have learned to trust and respect my husband over the years. But I do know what if feels like to "be married to someone who just is not emotionally available." It is a bitch and I eventually left that marriage. i gave it time, almost 11 years before I left.
Try making a list about what you do share, men seem to hate having questions asked of them especially about how they feel. so avoid that.. I also think they tune out when we women start carrying on about what we feel...men think very differently than women. It is worth finding some books about and looking into ..
I'm with sis Tired, Ceren; you two need to have more fun together, laugh, create happiness. Right now, it sounds as if you are two people conducting business. Marriage is work, but alot of that work is having fun, building common experiences, and learning to relate across several levels. I will note that there are Muslims whose practice is so asture that they have no concrete idea of how to have fun. Your husband, coming from a negative and abusive home (I did, too) will still seek out a certain comfort zone where he will not be required to show positive emotions, but I'll bet he not only wants to, but needs to.
As for books, I know of one by Steven Carter titled "This is How Love Works". It's a small tome, but he is astute about commitment issues and fear in marriage. I recommend it highly for advice on bonding. Love is something you do, not just feel. You have to make it real and tangible to make it last.
"I'm for truth, no matter who tells it. I'm for justice, no matter who it is for or against. I'm a human being, first and foremost, and as such I'm for whomever and whatever benefits humanity as a whole." ~ Malcolm X Proud supporter of the One-State Solution for Palestine
I'm with sis Tired, Ceren; you two need to have more fun together, laugh, create happiness. Right now, it sounds as if you are two people conducting business. Marriage is work, but alot of that work is having fun, building common experiences, and learning to relate across several levels. I will note that there are Muslims whose practice is so asture that they have no concrete idea of how to have fun. Your husband, coming from a negative and abusive home (I did, too) will still seek out a certain comfort zone where he will not be required to show positive emotions, but I'll bet he not only wants to, but needs to.
As for books, I know of one by Steven Carter titled "This is How Love Works". It's a small tome, but he is astute about commitment issues and fear in marriage. I recommend it highly for advice on bonding. Love is something you do, not just feel. You have to make it real and tangible to make it last.
"I'm for truth, no matter who tells it. I'm for justice, no matter who it is for or against. I'm a human being, first and foremost, and as such I'm for whomever and whatever benefits humanity as a whole." ~ Malcolm X Proud supporter of the One-State Solution for Palestine
And we are also at very different "stages" in our spiritual path (I'm the one behind). So I many times find myself foolishly thinking that I wish my husband was not as far in his path so he could be my companion in my journey :( This obviously makes me feel quite guilty as well... I must be crazy to wish my husband weren't as good as he is!
So... is it possible to not feel lonely if there are not so many points in common? How to find/cultivate common things?
HEEEELP![/QUOTE]
Ceren,
I am so sorry you are going through this tough time. I do not mean to impose myself in your life, but I have participated in this group for a good while and have read a number of your posts as a result of it. As I read through the threads this time, what jumped out at me was your perception that your husband is so much farther along in his path than you are. It makes me wonder why you think so. Our paths start when we are born. Our paths are unique and ours to travel with God. Why do you think yours is so lesser than your husband's when they cannot be compared? It almost sounds like you are on a foot race with him on the path when all you need to do is walk with God and live with your husband a little more on a tangible path. I respect you tremendously and wish I could talk with you about my path sometimes (mine is really skewed, but nonetheless mine) because I think you have it so together on yours.
Consider your husband's path for a moment. It seems to you that he is advanced, but at the same time there is much mental baggage he carries along with the technical correct-ness of his path. If these have not been resolved, then perhaps his path lacks balance and contains a few negative rabbit trails that may result in as much negative marital harmony as you seem to think you may produce.
I think other women have given you some very good advice. Sonrisdeallah, was correct in that it is a conversation that could be so much more productive face to face. I've been married a number of years, still am, and marriage is still a complicated subject so I know what she means. Tired One is so right about the vacation and to let your hair down....the both of you. Miraj was so on target with her message. I hope this additional thought helps in some way. Regards......
SH
Truly, it is in darkness that one finds the light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest of all to us.
-Meister Eckhart
I have no brilliant advice to offer, Sister Ceren. So I won't offer any. I can and will pray for you and offer you my best wishes and that, insh'Allah, you and your husband will work things out.
Unfortunately, relationships don't respond to surgery so my professional expertise is of no value here either.
I just hope for the best for you and wish I could be more helpful. But it's best to remain silent when not sure of what to say.
