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6 years ago  ::  Dec 20, 2008 - 12:21PM #1
muslim_gurl
Posts: 3
Salaam everyone

Im new to this board but could really do with some to the point advice please (Inshallah).

My husband and I are in our early twenties adn have been married for 16 months, in this 16 months Ive had 2 miscarriages, fights with husband, like extreme ones that have nearly resulted in divorce on more than 5 occassions, Ive had problems with his family, especially mum. Now we live in another country altogether, and I love him dearly, but he;s gone away for business for 6 weeks, he will be back and forth on the weekends and we also go away on holiday this week for 5 nights.

Basically, I feel like the spark has gone..that love, that bond is disappearing. We wanted to be together so badly before marriage we knew each other for 6 years before hand, we got married and it went down hill..we quarrell a lot, I used to give him all my salary, cook, iron and listen to him, but he would constantly criticise me, his family got mad for me seeing my mum and said things I said about him to them, but I didnt, ofcourse he believed them over me.

In the recent months things are getting worse and worse, Im just so tired of this, 3 weeks ago he asked for a divorce and told me he didnt love me, I cried, pleaded said we can start fresh but he said no, I got over it or tried and started to think of a way out, in that time my mum asked him what I did wrong, he then wanted to make up. He called me a bad wife in this time. I then said I will make up but want respect and love, I cant say I have this, I also stopped giving him all my salary, just for essentials because I need to save incase of problems again.

I had my miscarriage the other day and came out of hospital, in the hospital he was being immature and I ignored him, but thanked him for being by my side, yesterday morning he didnt even smile at me, ignored me and was so moody, I didnt know why, I asked him which made him angrier. Today he has gone, I wont see him for a few days then we go on holiday. Our weekends are spent in the house...we argue and fight, I feel very much alone and unloved. Is there anything I CAN start to do to perhaps rekindle those loving feelings. For a short time 4 months ago we were soo happy once again Alhamdulillah, then his family would call him and fights would break out. He wants me to stop seeing my family, i said noway, never.

Is there anything I can do to make him love me and want me again? He wont leave me either? I dont want to just go along in this marriage, its making me feel very sad and down.....

I feel unless I give in to his mum and family he will never love me...I dont know what to do, he hasnt said this but I feel this. Are there ways we can have that love again? that happiness? that friendship? closeness? understanding..please someone help me with this..please.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

Salaam
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 20, 2008 - 12:51PM #2
GraceSA
Posts: 1,101
I can't make a long response right now, but PLEASE don't get pregnent until you are in a STABLE marriage.  It isn't fair to your kids and it could seriously trap you in an awfuol situation.

Second- is there anything positive to say about this guy?

Salaam,
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 20, 2008 - 2:23PM #3
muslim_gurl
Posts: 3
Hi Grace

Im noway getting pregnant until this is stable, I assured myself before anything the last two times, gosh messed up!

Anything nice? well..yeh he's funny, he makes me laugh a lot, he actually stayed with me in the hospital by my side, when I came home I asked him if he'd carry my bag he did....these are nice things.

I dont know. Im very confused, I dont think he likes me to be honest...I sent him an email asking him, what we should do? maybe go on a break and see how he feels....
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 20, 2008 - 3:54PM #4
GraceSA
Posts: 1,101

muslim_gurl wrote:

Hi Grace

Im noway getting pregnant until this is stable, I assured myself before anything the last two times, gosh messed up!

Anything nice? well..yeh he's funny, he makes me laugh a lot, he actually stayed with me in the hospital by my side, when I came home I asked him if he'd carry my bag he did....these are nice things.

I dont know. Im very confused, I dont think he likes me to be honest...I sent him an email asking him, what we should do? maybe go on a break and see how he feels....



He's funny is good.  But staying with you in the hospital and carrying your bag is not exceptionally nice.  I would expect that from a husband.

So far I don't see anything that makes you compatible in marriage- except love - and that is never enough.  There needs to be respect or love will die.

Is he a really strict Muslim?  Why is he even taking your money?  And why don't they want you to talk to/see your family?  Are they likely to be a criminal influence or something?

What would you tell your best friend if her husband was like yours?

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6 years ago  ::  Dec 20, 2008 - 9:51PM #5
Ceren
Posts: 1,430
Assalamu `alaykum,

As someone who has been in a struggling marriage for 3  years there are a few things that I have learned:

1. A marriage CANNOT be made to work UNLESS both people:

a. Recognize that there's a problem
b. Are willing to BOTH work on solving the problem

You marriage is not falling apart because of something that you just do. You can't fix it by "giving in" to this or that. Usually the "particular" problems that you have are a symptom of something that's behind. So imagine you fix behavior X, thinking it will solve everything... well.. it won't. Because then "Y" will appear. Because both X, and Y, and Z, and ABDCDEFG.... are symptoms of something that's behind.

I cannot stress this enough... IT TAKES 2 PEOPLE TO FIX A MARRIAGE.

2. BOTH people need to work SERIOUSLY on the issue. For e.g. my husband and I go to a marriage counselor and also are reading marriage books that come with excercises and just do the excercises. Sometimes you might feel silly  doing them... but you gotta do the. I strongly recommend "The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work"

3. IF you both agree to work on your marriage there's something I recommend that you do. Being in a marriage and being threatened with divorce every month, even if it's in the middle of a fight and out of anger, is NO fun. Not only is no fun, but it also generates wounds that take days, even weeks to heal. So you and your husband should sign a written agreement. The agreement will say that , for e.g., you and him commit to not mention the word "divorce", or "we're over", or "it's over" until... let's say May 2009. In May 2009 you re-evaluate the relationship and then decide if you want to keep trying to make it better or not. But the "divorce" game is just ... stupid and not conducive to good things.

4. You both need to also make an agreement of things that you "can" or "can't" do/say during discussions. Insulting each other will not make your marriage better or help solve problems. So you should commit to discuss and fight things without phrases like "you're a loser", "your a bad wife/husband", etc, etc.


Regarding your particular case...

1. Is your husband a practising Muslim? Is he a God-fearing Muslim?
2. You should NOT give him your salary. A Muslims woman's salary is hers and her husband should not take it.
3. Start using contraceptive methods now. If possible, take OCP. Also... pregnancy losses affect women differently. Some women are very affected and have a feeling of emptiness for a long time, others are not really affected. Have you spoken to your husband about your pregnancy loss, and how you feel about it, and how he can support you?
4. You say you fight a lot, what are the main reasons for fighting?

All the best,
Ceren
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 21, 2008 - 3:02AM #6
RepresentingtheGod
Posts: 46
Peace

[QUOTE=muslim_gurl;968867]Is there anything I can do to make him love me and want me again? He wont leave me either? I dont want to just go along in this marriage, its making me feel very sad and down.....[/QUOTE]

I wonder where I can find a woman like you to give me your money and who wants to love me while I hate her. I think I do not have the right temperament to attract the type since I cannot or will not voluntarily put a woman at a disadvantage. I hope you can forgive the snide remarks, but women do drive me nuts when I feel they are totally gullible and like to put a veil over thier eyes. My mom did it with an abusive boyfriend who cheated on her, but I could say nothing to help her see her predicament. I suppose she thought she loved him or really liked him, but I always thought she loved the sex and the humiliation. I remember her embarrassing me shitless when she was fighting for her man with her man's other girlfirend. What assclowns. This was about 10 years ago when I was a teenager so maybe I was not fit to even get through to her.

Anyways, I suppose my advice will be as valuable as any other amateur's who answers you. I think that there is clearly something wrong. Disputes are not necessarily bad, but when the disputes start to occur over minute or almost irrelevant things I think I can diagnos a problem in the relationship. The first piece of advice I would give is that you coax your husband to come with you to see a therapist, a doctor, or whomever is fit to help you guys figure out your problems. I would also say that you should ask him what's bugging him, why he is going off at the drop of a dime, and tell him what you feel about how he's treating you. Don't let him say you deserve it, cause you deserve a clear explanation, not some pompous and immature answer. The problems you have talked about can actually drive your husband to infidelity, yourself as well, but he has GOT to be kind with you [4/19].

Do you fear a divorce? Do you abide by quranic principles, your husband and yourself that is? If you fear for a divorce than keep in mind there are duties a husband has to his wife. He must be amicable, can't leave you in the lurch.
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 21, 2008 - 3:45AM #7
muslim_gurl
Posts: 3
Regarding your particular case...

1. Is your husband a practising Muslim? Is he a God-fearing Muslim?
2. You should NOT give him your salary. A Muslims woman's salary is hers and her husband should not take it.
3. Start using contraceptive methods now. If possible, take OCP. Also... pregnancy losses affect women differently. Some women are very affected and have a feeling of emptiness for a long time, others are not really affected. Have you spoken to your husband about your pregnancy loss, and how you feel about it, and how he can support you?
4. You say you fight a lot, what are the main reasons for fighting?

Hi Grace

Well Ive stopped giving him my salary as of this month he agreed to this.

My husband is trying to get more into islam, he prays and is trying to know god, but I feel he selects and picks religion, i.e. as a wife I should listen to him and not see my parents too much and spend more time with his, he never really thought this until his mum made a fuss last time I went to see them, i live abroad and see my family once a year!! and I get maybe 2-3 weeks leave from work.

I am on the pill now so no babies!

I dont know if he wants to make it work...last night he left to go on this business trip and like an idiot I wrote him this email, whether he does or doesnt. he hasnt replied, infact he usually says hi, hes ok but nothing.feel he's really angry.

Representhing the god...

youre right, really you are, I know this I ALSO grew up in a home with an abusive father, i was so mad at my mum, she stayed with him for years and years....but that voice on the phone, my mum gets so sad, she doesnt sleep thinking im in stressed, but last time i thought ok, he's not inlove live and let live, then i got sucked back in, she called him and he wanted to take me back.

he doesnt want to go to counselling under any circumstances, ive asked wot it is i do, he says i talk too much and complain. he criticises me all the time and puts me down i work 12 hours a day and come hme and do house work and he doesnt even get himself water, i get tired and sometimes dnt do things 100% he makes comments to which i get mad at, i tried the ignoring bit it didnt work..so i asked nicely for him to stop but then he wanted to divorce me.

I dont know...Im barely getting over my miscarriage, last time i cried and told him how sad i was he just well kind of had a go at me, said its probably cause i cry so much i lost the baby, so i stopped telling him because it hurt too much....

i just want to run away i didnt sleep all nite thinkng, if i stay shall i play a different game? or shall i just go...he doesnt want me...so i should just go...it just hurts so bad..all of this...saving up, havin no family here, history repeating, getting my stuff, seeing my mum sad...god give me strength
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 21, 2008 - 11:05PM #8
sazaj36
Posts: 331
"said its probably cause i cry so much i lost the baby,..." having suffered through a miscarriage myself...I find that absolutely a disgusting and extremely hurtful thing to say to you. As you know...women that suffer miscarriages carry quite enough guilt without having such horrible things thrown in their faces. That comment alone from him should tell you everything you need to know about your husband...my personal advice...take it or leave it...he is telling you everything you want to know but are refusing to hear...he does not want to save your marriage...all his actions are designed to drive you away...so I would pick myself up...dust myself off...and start planning a new life...once without such a hurtful and disrespectful husband bringing me down and holding me back....but then...thats me.
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 22, 2008 - 2:46AM #9
Hajj2
Posts: 8
Greetings,

Well, I'm in my twenties and I understand why you like the idea of marriage. However, marriage and/or kids is not everything when you can not share it with someone who loves you. And  you just explained a man who doesn't love you or care for you. 

What's so important about you? Well, you are a muslim sister who has done nothing wrong. You deserve so much more than what you are putting up with. So, from one sister to the next, please think of your future and  seriously consider letting that marriage go, particularly if marriage counselling doesn't work.

Ask yourself, "Who would want to separate me from my family? Who would take my money? And who would treat me so cold after a miscarriage?" The answer: Someone who doesn't know you. Someone who is a stranger.

Read the Qu'ran to help you along and pray. Times will get better. Remember...you should consider a separation or a divorce. Perhaps join a book club or community service group to add a new aspect to your life.

It's not YOU. It's HIM.
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 27, 2008 - 12:54PM #10
Ceren
Posts: 1,430
Assalamu `alaykum,

As most of the members of this board know I'm an OBGYN (I'm a gynecologist). So first and foremost I just want to assure you that crying has NOTHING TO DO with a miscarriage. DO NOT please feel guilty at all whatsoever.

Secondly, as I said before, a marriage is made of 2. If your husband is not willing to put the work to make the marriage better and just wants to blame you... I'm afraid I don't have too much hope for your marriage. It really takes 2 to make it work, and even then there's no guarantee.

As someome said... you have a husband that:

a. Is cruel and abusive to the extent that he would somewhat "blame you" for your miscarriage
b. Doesn't want you to see your family (what on earth is this???!?!? Unless there's a SERIOUS problem with your family, he shouldn't prevent you from seeing it!! Doesn't he know the hadith of the prophet that the person who cuts family ties will not enter jannah?? )
c. Takes your salary

OBVIOUSLY your marriage needs help. If he's not willing to work... then what are you to do?

All the best,
Ceren
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