A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
     
She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
     
"NO!" the children answered.
     
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
    
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
     
Now she was smiling. Hey, they're getting it, she thought! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" she asked.
     
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
     
She was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
     
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

*************

Atheist: "Do you honestly believe that Jonah spent three days and three nights in the belly of a huge fish?"

Little Girl: "I don't know, sir, but when I get to heaven, I'll ask him."

Atheist: "But suppose he isn't in heaven?"

Little Girl: "Then you can ask him!"

***************

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calles it a poem, and they give him $25."
     
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $200."
     
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight men to collect all the money!" 

*****************

Centuries ago, God came down, went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments that will help you live better lives."
The Germans ask, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord says, "Rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
God says, "Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."

So then God went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments..."
The Italians wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."

Next the Lord went to the French saying, "I have Commandments..."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."
And the French were not interested.

God then went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments..."
"Commandments," said the Jews, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."

********************

Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Ireland. One is holding a cross and the other a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money into the hat of the man with the cross. Soon, the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.
     
A priest watches for a while and then approaches the men. He says to the man with the Star of David, "Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions holding a Star of David."
     
The man turns to the one with the cross and says, "Moishe, can you imagine, this goy is trying to tell us how to run our business?"

****************

A pastor I know has a standard liturgy for funerals. To personalize each service, he uses the Find and Replace command on his computer to replace the name of the deceased from the previous funeral with the new name.
     
The next morning, the funeral was going smoothly until the Apostle's Creed. "Jesus Christ," the congregation read from the program, "born of the Virgin Edna..."

*****************

An inexperienced preacher was to hold a graveside burial service at a pauper's cemetery for an indigent man with no family or friends. Not knowing where the cemetery was, he made several wrong turns and got lost. When he eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the backhoe was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.
     
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
     
As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say to the other, "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."

*****************

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large tray of apples. A nun lettered a note and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
     
Moving along the lunch line, at the other end was a large tray of chocolate chip cookies. A girl wrote a note, which she put next to the tray of cookies, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

****************

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
     
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
    
On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.
     
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins, and the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'
     
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won. 'I haven't a clue,' said the rabbi. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.
     
'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'

The Jehovah's Witnesses are the largest non-prophet organisation in the world.

A man dies and goes to heaven.

St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.

St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was.  When you reach 100 points, you get in."

"Okay" the man says, "I attended church every Sunday"

"That's good, says St. Peter, " that's worth two points"

"Two points?" he says.

"Well, I gave 10% of all my earnings to the church"

"Well, let's see," answers Peter, "that's worth another 2 points. Did you do anything else?"

"Two points? Golly.

How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."

"Fantastic, that's certainly worth a point, "he says.

"hmmm...," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."

"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"

"THREE POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"

"Come on in!"

"Dad, what are those two spiders doing?"

"They're mating, Lucy" explained her father.

"Is that a Daddy Long-legs spider on top, Dad?"

"Yes, dear."

"Oh, so one's a Daddy Long-legs and the other one is a Mommy Long-legs?"

"Well, no dear, actually both of them are Daddy Long-legs," explained her father.

Lucy thought for a moment, then suddenly stomped on the two spiders with both feet. With a stern look, Lucy exclaimed, "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing going on in this garden!"

Apr 18, 2012 -- 9:59PM, Upperlimits wrote:

The three fastest methods of tele - communication known to man;

Telephone.
Television.
Tell a woman!

Actually, there are 4:

Telephone.
Television.
Tell a woman.

Tell a secret!