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Sticky: Utter nonsense lounge
3 years ago  ::  Nov 06, 2011 - 3:23PM #261
Upperlimits
Posts: 3,059

It's a shame that "Daylight Savings" is over... Turns out it was the only savings that I had left!


******************


The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.


The first guy who slept in the room with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? He said, "Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."


The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing -hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful! He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night."


The third night was Fred's turn. Fred was a tanned, older cowboy; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" he said. They couldn't believe it. They said, "Man, what happened?"


He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night."


****************


TO ALL NON-PET OWNERS WHO VISIT AND LIKE TO COMPLAIN ABOUT OUR PETS:



1. They live here, you don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture, That's why they call it "fur"niture.
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, they are animals... To me, they are adopted sons/daughters who are short, hairy, walk on all fours and don't speak clearly.



Remember, dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
1. eat less
2. don't ask for money all the time
3. are easier to train
4. normally come when called
5. never ask to drive the car



and



6. if they get pregnant, you can sell their children!


************


The following was found posted very low on a refrigerator door:


Dear Dogs and Cats: The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.


The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Racing me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.


I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed.. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort , however. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out on the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.


For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom! If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge in an attempt to open the door. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years - canine/feline attendance is not required.


The proper order for kissing is: Kiss me first, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough.


*******************


A man owned a small Ranch in Texas. The Texas Work Force Commission claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.


"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.


"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.


"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board.


"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."


"That's the guy I want to talk to .... The half-wit," says the agent.


"That would be me," replied the Rancher.


*************


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.


First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.


The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'


'Can you read this?' the optician asked.


'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'


*************


Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, 'I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He looks vicious, but he won't bother you.'


'But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!'


When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he had ever seen. But, just as Wanda had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.


The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with its incessant yelling, cursing and name-calling.


Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, 'Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!'


To which the parrot replied, 'Get him Spike!'


************


I'm sure that by now we've all heard of "The Man Song", which has went viral on all the social networks. But did you know that the guy recently did a sequel? Enjoy!! (LOL)


humor.beecy.net/menwomen/womansong/

According to 2nd Corinthians 3:2, there are five gospels in the world. Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and the Epistle of ones own life.  Most people will probably never read the first four.

God desires that our lives would bear spiritual fruit - not religious nuts.
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3 years ago  ::  Nov 07, 2011 - 11:46PM #262
Upperlimits
Posts: 3,059

A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.
     
She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?"
     
"NO!" the children answered.
     
"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"
    
Again, the answer was, "NO!"
     
Now she was smiling. Hey, they're getting it, she thought! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" she asked.
     
Again, they all answered, "NO!"
     
She was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," she continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"
     
A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."


*************


Atheist: "Do you honestly believe that Jonah spent three days and three nights in the belly of a huge fish?"


Little Girl: "I don't know, sir, but when I get to heaven, I'll ask him."


Atheist: "But suppose he isn't in heaven?"


Little Girl: "Then you can ask him!"


***************


Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calles it a poem, and they give him $25."
     
The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, and they give him $200."
     
The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight men to collect all the money!" 


*****************


Centuries ago, God came down, went to the Germans and said, "I have Commandments that will help you live better lives."
The Germans ask, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord says, "Rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
God says, "Thou shalt not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."


So then God went to the Italians and said, "I have Commandments..."
The Italians wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."


Next the Lord went to the French saying, "I have Commandments..."
The French wanted an example and the Lord said, "Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife."
And the French were not interested.


God then went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments..."
"Commandments," said the Jews, "How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."


********************


Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Ireland. One is holding a cross and the other a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions. People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money into the hat of the man with the cross. Soon, the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.
     
A priest watches for a while and then approaches the men. He says to the man with the Star of David, "Don't you realize that this is a Catholic country? You'll never get any contributions holding a Star of David."
     
The man turns to the one with the cross and says, "Moishe, can you imagine, this goy is trying to tell us how to run our business?"


****************


A pastor I know has a standard liturgy for funerals. To personalize each service, he uses the Find and Replace command on his computer to replace the name of the deceased from the previous funeral with the new name.
     
The next morning, the funeral was going smoothly until the Apostle's Creed. "Jesus Christ," the congregation read from the program, "born of the Virgin Edna..."


*****************


An inexperienced preacher was to hold a graveside burial service at a pauper's cemetery for an indigent man with no family or friends. Not knowing where the cemetery was, he made several wrong turns and got lost. When he eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the backhoe was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.
     
The diligent young pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Feeling guilty because of his tardiness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in style.
     
As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say to the other, "I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years and I ain't never seen anything like that."


*****************


The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large tray of apples. A nun lettered a note and posted it on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."
     
Moving along the lunch line, at the other end was a large tray of chocolate chip cookies. A girl wrote a note, which she put next to the tray of cookies, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."


****************


Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.
     
The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.
    
On the chosen day the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The rabbi pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.
     
Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened. The Pope said, 'First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins, and the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue.'
     
Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he'd won. 'I haven't a clue,' said the rabbi. 'First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy , so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I told him that we were staying right here.
     
'And then what?' asked a woman. 'Who knows?' said the rabbi. 'He took out his lunch so I took out mine.'

According to 2nd Corinthians 3:2, there are five gospels in the world. Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and the Epistle of ones own life.  Most people will probably never read the first four.

God desires that our lives would bear spiritual fruit - not religious nuts.
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3 years ago  ::  Jan 11, 2012 - 12:45AM #263
Kemmer
Posts: 16,627

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

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3 years ago  ::  Jan 31, 2012 - 2:41PM #264
Knowsnothing
Posts: 1,150

The Jehovah's Witnesses are the largest non-prophet organisation in the world.

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3 years ago  ::  Feb 10, 2012 - 12:42AM #265
Upperlimits
Posts: 3,059

Dear Optimist, Pessimist and Realist.


While you guys were busy arguing about the glass of water, I drank it!


Sincerely, the Opportunist


**************


A little girl normally had her father drive her to school in the mornings. One day her father was busy, so her mother drove her instead. As they drove to the school, the little girl looked all around and quietly said to herself, "Where are they? I don't see them anywhere. I wonder what happened to them?"


Curious, her mother asked her, "Where is what, dear?"


To her shock, the little girl replied, "All the (explicitive) idiots! When daddy drives, we usually see at least a dozen by now!"

According to 2nd Corinthians 3:2, there are five gospels in the world. Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and the Epistle of ones own life.  Most people will probably never read the first four.

God desires that our lives would bear spiritual fruit - not religious nuts.
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3 years ago  ::  Feb 10, 2012 - 3:12PM #266
nanalulu222
Posts: 9,049

A man dies and goes to heaven.


St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.


St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was.  When you reach 100 points, you get in."


"Okay" the man says, "I attended church every Sunday"


"That's good, says St. Peter, " that's worth two points"


"Two points?" he says.


"Well, I gave 10% of all my earnings to the church"


"Well, let's see," answers Peter, "that's worth another 2 points. Did you do anything else?"


"Two points? Golly.


How about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans."


"Fantastic, that's certainly worth a point, "he says.


"hmmm...," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart."


"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"


"THREE POINTS!!" the man cries, "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is by the grace of God!"


"Come on in!"


Smile

Conservative Christian.  Remember: you're unique, just like everyone else.
DJW community host.
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3 years ago  ::  Feb 13, 2012 - 5:03PM #267
samie
Posts: 5,575

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3 years ago  ::  Feb 15, 2012 - 10:30PM #268
Upperlimits
Posts: 3,059

"Dad, what are those two spiders doing?"


"They're mating, Lucy" explained her father.


"Is that a Daddy Long-legs spider on top, Dad?"


"Yes, dear."


"Oh, so one's a Daddy Long-legs and the other one is a Mommy Long-legs?"


"Well, no dear, actually both of them are Daddy Long-legs," explained her father.


Lucy thought for a moment, then suddenly stomped on the two spiders with both feet. With a stern look, Lucy exclaimed, "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing going on in this garden!"

According to 2nd Corinthians 3:2, there are five gospels in the world. Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and the Epistle of ones own life.  Most people will probably never read the first four.

God desires that our lives would bear spiritual fruit - not religious nuts.
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3 years ago  ::  Apr 18, 2012 - 9:59PM #269
Upperlimits
Posts: 3,059

A young boy was performing a science experiment in the lab at school. He was working with his pet spider, "Herbie." He placed Herbie on the table. Herbie stood still. Then the boy said, "Run, Herbie, run," and Herbie ran across the table.


The boy picked up Herbie and proceeded to take off one of his legs. Then, he placed Herbie back on the table. Herbie stood still. Again he said, "Run, Herbie, run,"  and Herbie ran across the table.


Once again, the boy picked up Herbie and proceeded to take off another one of his legs. Then, he placed Herbie on the table. Herbie stood still. Then he said, "Run, Herbie, run,"  and Herbie ran across the table.


This continued until the boy had removed all of Herbies legs. Then, he placed Herbie's body on the table and said, "Run, Herbie, run. Com'on Herbie - RUN."


The teacher came by and asked him what he had learned from this little experiment.


The boy proudly announced, "I learned that spiders without legs are deaf!!"


*****************


The three fastest methods of tele - communication known to man;


Telephone.
Television.
Tell a woman!

According to 2nd Corinthians 3:2, there are five gospels in the world. Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and the Epistle of ones own life.  Most people will probably never read the first four.

God desires that our lives would bear spiritual fruit - not religious nuts.
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3 years ago  ::  Apr 20, 2012 - 1:04PM #270
Phronesis
Posts: 2,234

Apr 18, 2012 -- 9:59PM, Upperlimits wrote:

The three fastest methods of tele - communication known to man;


Telephone.
Television.
Tell a woman!


Actually, there are 4:


Telephone.
Television.
Tell a woman.


Tell a secret!




"Ye are my witnesses, saith Jehovah, and my servant whom I have chosen ... ye are my witnesses, saith Jehovah, that I am God." - Isaiah 43:10, 12, ASV.
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