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Sticky: Utter nonsense lounge
5 years ago  ::  Nov 30, 2009 - 9:11PM #1
Godlover98
Posts: 4,047

I hope this thread will be allowed to remain but I'll understand if it's removed.


 


A blond calls for a pizza, the man asks would you like that cut into 6 or 8 pieces? The blond replies, better cut it into 6, i don't think i could eat 8.


 


Did you know that if you break a chocolate bar in 1/2, leave it for 5 minutes, the calories fall out?


 


I wish...lol


 


19 young looking Blonds try to walk into a bar when the doorman stops them as says, sorry ladies, over 18's only. One of the blonds looks up at him with a friendly smile and replies, thats not a probem, there are 19 of us.


 


BTW, I'm blond...lol

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5 years ago  ::  Nov 30, 2009 - 10:00PM #2
rangerken
Posts: 16,406

I renamed this thread the 'Utter nonsense lounge' and have moved it to the top. Many boards have something like this where anyone can share a joke, tell a story, or simply chat in a non-confrontational way without getting into the board topic.


So, the 'joke' in the OP obviously stays up... Laughing


Rangerken, host

Libertarian, Conservative, Life member of the NRA and VFW
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5 years ago  ::  Dec 01, 2009 - 7:02PM #3
Oeste
Posts: 3,370

Nov 30, 2009 -- 11:06PM, Brooke1980 wrote:


When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."


"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "


"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."



1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"


2) How many seconds are in a year?


3) What is God's first name?



"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."


St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."


"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."


"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.


"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"


St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."


"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."


"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"


"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."


St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run, Forest, Run!"




LOL!  Good one.

Never argue with stupid people. They will drag
you down to their level and then beat you with
experience ~ Mark Twain

If you are neutral on situations of injustice
you have chosen the side of the oppressor ~
Desmond Tutu
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5 years ago  ::  Dec 02, 2009 - 2:45AM #4
puma_rumor81
Posts: 720

Random Thoughts for the Day:
   
1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer's history if you die.
   
2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
   
3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.
   
4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.
   
5. How in the world are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
   
6. Was learning cursive really necessary?
   
7. Map Quest needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.
   
8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
   
9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
   
10. Bad decisions make good stories.
   
11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
   
12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.
   
13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to the ten-page paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
   
14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.
   
15. I hate it when I miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Darn!) but when I immediately call back it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
   
16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
   
17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
   
18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How do I respond to that?
   
19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well..
   
20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay

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5 years ago  ::  Dec 02, 2009 - 11:17AM #5
rangerken
Posts: 16,406

Nicely done, Puma!!!!!


You get an official Beliefnet Gold Star, which is good for...er...um.... well, enjoy it nyway Wink.


Your beloved host,


Rangerken

Libertarian, Conservative, Life member of the NRA and VFW
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5 years ago  ::  Dec 03, 2009 - 8:31PM #6
Kemmer
Posts: 16,498

Nothing is as eloquent as a rattlesnake's tail.

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5 years ago  ::  Dec 06, 2009 - 1:27AM #7
Upperlimits
Posts: 3,023


Finalizing your divorce is sort of like checking the calendar on the fifteenth of January.


It's just another ordinary day... but the turkey is finally gone.

According to 2nd Corinthians 3:2, there are five gospels in the world. Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and the Epistle of ones own life.  Most people will probably never read the first four.

God desires that our lives would bear spiritual fruit - not religious nuts.
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5 years ago  ::  Dec 07, 2009 - 5:53AM #8
puma_rumor81
Posts: 720

How to keep a marriage spicy:


Between being married, and also being a woman, I can tell you guys that there are certain things you can do to make your wife swoon.

They are not difficult, anyone can do them and they are some of the sexiest things I can think of.



Technique #1 : Wet Hands

Yep, it's the wet hands technique. Certainly one of the most popular among most women polled for this article. So simple. So exciting! You will leave her breathless.

* Fill the kitchen sink up with hot water and add a few drops of a scented dish liquid. Not too many, you don't want it to be harsh. There are many very nice scents out now, from vanilla and lavender to grapefruit. It is completely up to you.
* With a soft cloth in your hands plunge your hands into the water and get the cloth very wet.
* Now, moving slowly and gently, place a dish in the water and rub the cloth across the surface of it....over and over again.
* Place the dish in clean rinse water and repeat until she is moaning with pleasure!

Technique #2: Vibrate Me Baby

This technique utilizes what many women think of as toys. It is a little more difficult and takes a little more muscle. Extra credit on this one if you wear a black "wife beater" shirt at the same time. Are you man enough?

* Carefully pull the vacuum out of where it has been stored. You know you want to.
* Plug it in and push all the right buttons.
* Slowly move back and forth and back and forth across the carpet, you will know when to move to a new spot.
* Move to the next spot and repeat as long as it takes to get results.

Technique #3 : The Wet T Shirt Game

This game is pretty easy, although you will have to think quickly while in the midst of getting your game on. If you can handle the amount of agitation and vibration in the first few minutes you will be O.K. Until the end.

* You will need two piles - no I did not say poles, I said piles.
* Put everything white and light colored in one and everything dark colored in the other.
* Fill the washing machine with warm water and laundry soap (this is
imperative - use the amount suggested by the manufacturer) .
* Add the light pile.. Close the lid.
* Write her a love letter about how great her eyes are while you are waiting for it to finish.
* Repeat with the dark colors except use cold water.
* Quick note: If your wife is screaming, "Yes! Yes! Yes!" Don't stop what you are doing.. That is called 'domesticus interruptus' and it really is frustrating for women.

Technique #4: What Goes Up Must Come Down

This is best used as a quickie, whether in the middle of the night or during a chaotic afternoon. She can't say no to this.
* When you put the toilet seat up.....put it back down.
* Every time!

I know, I know..You're almost to the point where you can't take any more verbal titillation. .... Good thing this is a short list. This last one is amazing. It's incredible it definitely saves the best for last.

Technique #5: Tonight It's Oral Gratification

This will take some time to master. Work on it while using other techniques several times a week and then just expose your big secret to her when she least expects it. If you already know this technique you should be using it to it's full potential by adding to your repertoire of tricks.

* Learn to cook a whole meal.
* When she has had a particularly rough day run her a bath, preferably
aromatic with LUSH bath stuff.
* While she is bathing fix your incredible dinner (popcorn and hot dogs do not count).
* While she is still relaxed from the bath and satiated with dinner proceed to Technique #1.

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5 years ago  ::  Dec 07, 2009 - 3:19PM #9
rangerken
Posts: 16,406

Good one, Puma. My wife agrees Smile.


Rangerken

Libertarian, Conservative, Life member of the NRA and VFW
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5 years ago  ::  Dec 07, 2009 - 10:01PM #10
Upperlimits
Posts: 3,023

The scene is the bedroom.


It is 2:00 am.


An elderly couple lies sleeping. The man is restless. He awakens. He sits up and accidentally disturbs his wife. She is a bit startled.


"What's up dear?" she asks.


"Nothing" he replies, "I just can't sleep.I'm going to go and make myself a snack."


"Well, since you woke me up, you might as well get me something to eat as well."


"Certainly dear," he replies. "What would you like me to get you?"


She thinks for a moment and then says, "I think I'd like to have a small bowel of ice cream."


"You'd like a small bowl of ice cream." he says, "Certainly dear. Anything for you."


The man goes to leave for the kitchen and she calls after him, "Now don't forget dear."


"I'm not going to forget." he replies.


"Well, maybe you should write it down."


"I'm not going to forget", he says, "I'm just going to the kitchen."


"Dear?", she calls.


"Yes, my love" he replies. "What would you like?"


She thinks for a moment and then says, "On top of my ice cream I think I'd like to have a small dollop of chocolate syrup."


He says, "Okay, so you want a small bowl of ice cream with a small dollop of chocolate syrup."


The man goes to leave for the kitchen and she calls after him, "Now don't forget dear."


"I'm not going to forget", he replies.


"Well, maybe you should write it down.You know how bad your memory is, dear."


"I'm not going to forget", he says, "I'm just going to the kitchen."


"Dear?", she calls.


"Yes, my love", he replies, "What would you like?"


She thinks for a moment and then says, "On top of my ice cream and chocolate syrup, I think I'd like to have a cherry as well."


He says, "Okay, so you want a small bowl of ice cream, with a small dollop of chocolate syrup and a cherry on top. Is there anything else?"


"No", she says, "I don't think so."


The man goes to leave for the kitchen and she calls after him, "Now don't forget dear."


"I'm not going to forget", he replies.


"Well, maybe you should write it down.You know how bad your memory is, dear."


Quite exasperated by now, the man replies, "For crying out loud, woman!! - I'm not going to forget! I'm just going to the kitchen."


"Very well dear", she replies.


The man goes down to the kitchen. There is some clanking and clattering of dishes, and a short time later, the man returns. He hands his wife a plate and says to her, "Here's the bacon and eggs you asked me to make for you."


The woman, quite disgusted with him, replies, "Dear, I told you that you needed to write it down. Look at this," she says, "You forgot my toast!!"



 

According to 2nd Corinthians 3:2, there are five gospels in the world. Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and the Epistle of ones own life.  Most people will probably never read the first four.

God desires that our lives would bear spiritual fruit - not religious nuts.
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