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Sticky: Utter nonsense lounge
2 years ago  ::  Sep 13, 2014 - 10:27PM #311
Oeste
Posts: 3,711

MEN vs. Women



Never argue with stupid people. They will drag
you down to their level and then beat you with
experience ~ Mark Twain

If you are neutral on situations of injustice
you have chosen the side of the oppressor ~
Desmond Tutu
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2 years ago  ::  Sep 20, 2014 - 11:38PM #312
Upperlimits
Posts: 3,238

According to 2nd Corinthians 3:2, there are five gospels in the world. Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and the Epistle of ones own life.  Most people will probably never read the first four.

God desires that our lives would bear spiritual fruit - not religious nuts.
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1 year ago  ::  Jan 23, 2015 - 8:56AM #313
Newtonian
Posts: 14,082

For some actual utter nonsense - see my, or - er - dingaling's thread about dating - though I doubt he was talking about dating Lucy - or other Australopithecines.

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1 year ago  ::  May 26, 2015 - 10:00PM #314
Upperlimits
Posts: 3,238

A little boy was anxious to see his new baby brother when his mom brought the baby home from the hospital. But the baby was collicky and cried a lot.

The big brother asked his mom where the baby came from. His mother replied, "He came from heaven."


After listening to the baby scream for a couple more minutes, the older child remarked, "I can see why they threw him out!"


According to 2nd Corinthians 3:2, there are five gospels in the world. Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and the Epistle of ones own life.  Most people will probably never read the first four.

God desires that our lives would bear spiritual fruit - not religious nuts.
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1 year ago  ::  Jun 12, 2015 - 5:16PM #315
Oeste
Posts: 3,711

How It All Began...


In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com, did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.


Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

She said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?" And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. The drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But this success did arouse envy.

A man named Maccabia did secret himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.

Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others." And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "we need a name that reflects what we are," and Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."

"YAHOO", said Abraham. And that is how it all began, so it wasn't really Al Gore after all.

Never argue with stupid people. They will drag
you down to their level and then beat you with
experience ~ Mark Twain

If you are neutral on situations of injustice
you have chosen the side of the oppressor ~
Desmond Tutu
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Cancel
13 months ago  ::  Jul 09, 2015 - 10:45PM #316
Upperlimits
Posts: 3,238

Two antennas meet on a roof. They fall in love and get married.


The ceremony wasn't much to speak of, but the reception was incredible!!


According to 2nd Corinthians 3:2, there are five gospels in the world. Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and the Epistle of ones own life.  Most people will probably never read the first four.

God desires that our lives would bear spiritual fruit - not religious nuts.
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11 months ago  ::  Sep 06, 2015 - 9:06PM #317
Upperlimits
Posts: 3,238

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”


She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."


He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!


Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”


“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”


“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”


“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”


Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”


“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".


According to 2nd Corinthians 3:2, there are five gospels in the world. Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and the Epistle of ones own life.  Most people will probably never read the first four.

God desires that our lives would bear spiritual fruit - not religious nuts.
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10 months ago  ::  Sep 18, 2015 - 11:15PM #318
Upperlimits
Posts: 3,238

I was talking to a friend who is an avid golfer. I told him that last weekend I had tried golf for the very first time, and had gotten a "birdie."


He saw, "Wow!. That's pretty good for your first time!"


Then I replied, "Yeah - that robin never saw it coming!!"

According to 2nd Corinthians 3:2, there are five gospels in the world. Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and the Epistle of ones own life.  Most people will probably never read the first four.

God desires that our lives would bear spiritual fruit - not religious nuts.
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Cancel
10 months ago  ::  Sep 26, 2015 - 9:49PM #319
Upperlimits
Posts: 3,238

Police: "You were going too fast."

Man: "Yeah, I know. I was trying to keep up with traffic."

Police: "There isn't any traffic."

Man: "I know. That's how far behind I am."


According to 2nd Corinthians 3:2, there are five gospels in the world. Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and the Epistle of ones own life.  Most people will probably never read the first four.

God desires that our lives would bear spiritual fruit - not religious nuts.
Quick Reply
Cancel
9 months ago  ::  Oct 11, 2015 - 7:41PM #320
Upperlimits
Posts: 3,238

We say there are no silly questions but what about these ?

-----------------

Why are there no size "B" batteries ?
Why are they called apartments when they are units all together ?
Why is an army called an infantry if you have to be over 18 to get in?
Isn't it scarry that a doctor's office is called a practice?
Why can't you tickle yourself (but others can) ?
Why are carrots not called oranges, as they are more orange than oranges?
Why are builders afraid of a 13th floor, but publishers not afraid of a chapter 11?
Why is it called a rainbow, it's not a bow on top of rain. Why not rain prisim?
If a seagull flew over the bay, would it be called a bagel ?
Do pediatricians play miniature golf ?
If superman can't be hurt by bullets, why does he duck when they throw the gun?
What is the speed of Dark ?
Did the early settlers go camping ?
Can race car drivers deduct speeding tickets ?
If a fly didnt have wings, would it be called a walk ?
How much wood can a woodchuck chuck ?
Can an ambidextrious person make an off hand remark ?
Do you feed a boogie fever ?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons ?
Why don't they invent a cordless extension cord ?
Why is it when driving and looking for an address, we turn down the radio ?
Why do people remember where they were when someone famous was killed ? (Do they have to prove an alibi?)
Does condensed milk comes from smaller cows ?
If a turtle loses its shell, is it considered naked or homeless ?
Why did the chicken really cross the road ?
Why does an alarm clock go off, by going on ?
If a vampire cannot see its reflection, how is their hair always so neat ?
Why is cheese so secret that we must shred it ?
When a cow laughs does milk come out its nose ?
What do they use to ship styrofoam ?
Why do we wait until a pig is dead to cure it ?
Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery ?
Can you tell how old a pirate is by cutting off his peg leg and counting the rings?
Do Scottish Terriers get Scotch tapeworms ?
Does the person who inventories sheep often fall asleep on the job ?
What is another word for thesaurus ?
Why do we put suits in a Garment Bag and put garments in a suitcase?
If a person thinks marathons are superior to sprints, is that racism ?
If a mute swears, does his mother make him wash his hands with soap ?
Can fat people go Skinny Dipping ?
How do you let someone know you painted a wet paint sign
Is it possible to have a civil war ?
Why do they call it a TV Set, when there is only one ?
What happens if you get scared 1/2 to death twice ?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to ?
If you choked a Smurf, what color whould it turn ?


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According to 2nd Corinthians 3:2, there are five gospels in the world. Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, and the Epistle of ones own life.  Most people will probably never read the first four.

God desires that our lives would bear spiritual fruit - not religious nuts.
Quick Reply
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