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Switch to Forum Live View Helen Now Approaching Lompoc!
9 years ago  ::  Aug 12, 2008 - 6:09PM #1
Posts: 1,002
LOMPOC, CA -- The creator founder/prophet of the Seventh-day Adventist Church has now been spotted wondering into the city of Lompoc, California late this afternoon. The day started with clear sunny skies but soon changed to bleak grey as the self proclaimed Prophet of Choplets was dirven down the main thoroughfare in a carriage drawn by four black horses and escorted by 15 midgets driving clown cars.

The first stop was the town's popular Chinese restaurant, where the large looming prophet, known as Helen White, left her carriage and was whisked inside the restaurant, where she was seated and began demanding Chop Suey and lots of OYSTER sauce. When a reporter asked what brought her to the community known for flower seeds, the WC Field's classic comedy - The Bank Dick and test missle launches, she replied, "It's part of my national tour! I plan to stop at every city that is a HOTBED of Adventism!" When told that Lompoc had a very small SDA population, she countered, "I know that! I'm a prophet, for crying out loud! I just came through here because I heard this joint has really good Chinese [food] and when you gotta bad itch for something sweet and SOUR, well then, you just got to indulge the urge. And my James, well, you know how he just loves his pork!

After feasting on the exotic delicacies, the entourage left and rode to the La Purisma Mission where they quickly burned it to the ground. A horrified bystander asked the oracle why she did this, her reply was, "It's a bastion of Rome! Babylon the Great! Our 4th commandment says it must be destroyed!..." The reporter then asked her if she realized that the mission was secularized and up until the destruction, was property of the State of Caliornia, she replied it didn't matter and remained non-pluse. Shrugging, she said, "It doesn't matter, there were still vestiges of Popery under that red tiled roof! I know that for a fact! My spirit guide told me so!"

With the beautiful mission now a burt heap of rubble, smouldering against the backdrop of a golden sunset off the California coast, the prophet with her cameo securely attached to her dress along with her army of midgets, moved on to the next unsuspecting town...
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9 years ago  ::  Aug 12, 2008 - 6:15PM #2
Posts: 2,417
She's on the move!  Pretty soon, TV newscasts will have their weathermen tracking her progress, the way they do with Santa's sleigh on Christmas Eve!
With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion.
-- Steve Weinberg
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