|5 years ago :: Jun 01, 2010 - 10:54PM #1|
So, here I sit, a lot running through my mind. I'm frustrated, and tired. I haven't had a full night of uninterrupted sleep in years. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy with my life. I have a lot to be thankful for. I have a wonderful wife, 8 beautiful children, whom I couldn't be more proud of, and a good job.
So, why am I in the state I'm in? Because I consistently fall short of what's needed to take care of them. My job doesn't pay anywhere near enough, especially with the child support I'm paying out.. I haven't been able to pay the rent in two months. Most of our bills are due, and we haven't the means to pay them. How we still have anything at this moment is a miracle. In other words, I feel like a complete and utter failure, both as a husband, and as a father.
It's more than just the leftovers from my deployment, though mine as relatively quiet. I do still occasionaly get nervous when I hear loud noises, but I don't jump the way I used to. I suppose that's a good sign.
Quite frankly, I miss being deployed. I miss the money, as it was very good. I miss the simplicity of the life I led in Iraq. My pay was fantastic, especially since it was tax free. I cleared $43k the year I was deployed. I could really use that money now.
Though I miss being deployed, I don't relish the thought of being away from my wife and kids. As one can imagine, that puts me in a bit of a bad spot.
Since getting home, I've felt massively out of place. I mean, I keep hearing from people how thankful they are for my service, but that hasn't carried over into employment.
I want to work as an EMT. I have a license, and experience. Yet, none of the ambulance services seem to be hiring. I've been trying to get into a Paramedic course, but I've run into problems with that, including pre-reqs that don't fall within the hours I need. I may have to switch to part-time at work, which will make paying my child support even more challenging. Which leaves me wondering if going back to school will be worth it at all.
So, in the meantime, I'm working as a phlebotomist for the Community Blood Center. While I do enjoy part of the job, this isn't what I want to do with my life. I want to go into Emergency Medicine, specifically pre-hospital care.
Add to all of this the fact that I haven't seen my oldest daughter in almost a year. Her mother interferes in our relationship so much that I can't really even keep up meaningful contact with her. When I asked to have my daughter for last Christmas, my ex told me that I'm SOL because Christmas isn't one of the holidays listed in our parenting plan, and if I don't like it, I can hire an attorney and get it modified. But, I can't afford an attorney, so what am I to do?
Lately, I've been running on auto-pilot. I'm overwhelmed by these issues, and most days alterate between wanting to scream, or cry. I've never felt so hopeless. The only thing that keeps me going is my family, especially my wife, who has never waivered in her support of me throughout this entire mess.
I you took the time to read this, I just wanna say thanks. I feel a little better now that I've had a chance to get some of this off my chest.