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3 years ago ::
Feb 16, 2009 - 11:28AM
#1
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I have been living off and on with a man for almost 13 year's.I did marry him,but then later divorced him,yes i know how crazy that sound's,but i did it.I moved back in with him 2 years ago,after his second heart attack.I thought maybe he would change now,and we could be happy.What i man by change is he's a very stubborn,and self centered man.He's cruel,with his word's,and does not care,how bad he hurt's my feeling's.I just need some help,on how to break away from him,so that i can move on and find someone who will love me for me.I would like to meet someone,and one day get married again,but not to a controling,and greedy person.I am very kind hearted,and some what shy,but i have alot of love to give to the right person.I just need friend's who will help me,i hope i came to the right place to find that,sincerely Darlene.
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3 years ago ::
Feb 21, 2009 - 1:10AM
#2
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Hi Darlene,
My advice to you is to try and simply things a little. It seems that you've defined your happiness by the history you've had with this guy, both good and bad. It's not your fault that you've tried to change this guy, or rather, hoped that he'd change on his own.
Your problem seems like a couple of smaller problems. For example:
1. Breaking away from this guy
2. Meeting someone who'll love you
3. Get married again
I think you'll always have a link with this guy but you shouldn't settle for something that makes you patently unhappy. The fact that this guy is sick is unfortunate, but it's not your fault and it shouldn't stop you from living your life and finding happiness. He should be able to accept the fact that you're not happy, heart attack or no heart attack. It might be the case that his heart is literally breaking while yours is figuratively breaking. In any case, try to attack the "problem" one step at a time.
1. It sounds like your identity is defined by your relationship with this guy. Your identity needs to be -redefined- in a way that doesn't trap you in the comings and goings of someone else. To that end, I suggest that make a "profound" change in yourself. Change your hair color, adopt a cat or dog, get a female roommate, move to another city or state, etc. Do something out of the ordinary; that is, do something that goes against "character." You need to change your way of thinking and find friends who are on -your- side (easier said that done).
2. Meeting someone who'll love you for you is difficult. You should finding some male friends. Not potential dating material mind you, just decent guy friends. They could be married or involved but just decent guys who are -your- friend and can provide a support system. (You might already have some).
Now, chances are one of these decent guys has a decent (and single) friend who you might meet. =)
I have no advice for true love but you shouldn't waste your time finding it in someone you've lived with over 13 years. Life really is too short. You can't really change someone who doesn't want to be changed.
3. Marriage is a natural consequence of being with someone. (So I've heard). I've never been married, so I can't help you here. =)
Just decompose your "problem" into baby steps and attack them one at a time.
So that's my advice... =)
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3 years ago ::
Feb 21, 2009 - 7:46PM
#3
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basically, when we leave a relationship or a job and we return, we always find the same reasong waiting for us that made us leave in the first place.
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3 years ago ::
Mar 21, 2009 - 3:12PM
#4
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Hi Darlene, How does a lonely middleaged woman make new friends.Most of my family are deceased,the few surviving members do not speak to one another,My old friends have married and moved away and I am single and 48 and take care of my 86 year old uncle who is slowly dying of heart failure.
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3 years ago ::
Mar 25, 2009 - 9:06PM
#5
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My ex walked up to me after an argument once, whispered in my ear, "You're worthless and you'll never amount to anything. " Now I'm a real estate broker, and he's living in a shack in Indiana. Never let anyone talk you down.
Karen
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3 years ago ::
Mar 26, 2009 - 1:13PM
#6
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Darlene, it is hard for older folks to make new friends. I think after college it becomes harder to make friends. So, many people have all the friends they want and are suspcious of people who are looking for them. I don't know why. I know it is a cliche but volunteer work is great for making friends. I never found it useful for dating but I did make friends that way. If you like books and such, libraries are always needing volunteers.
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3 years ago ::
Apr 11, 2009 - 3:25AM
#7
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Hi Darlene and everyone, I just wanted to say that once you let someone get away with treating you wrongly in the initial stages of a relationship, it's hard to break them out of that later on. So the rule of thumb should be to nip anything that you will not tolerate in the bud in the beginning so this will save you a lot of headache later on.
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3 years ago ::
Jun 07, 2009 - 6:40PM
#8
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Ms Darleen, you will find a lot of friends on Beliefnet its time to step out of the mess you were in and find someone new. I will be praying for you and it might not be a bad idea to pray about the next boyfriend. As bad as this sounds (coming from a guy) guys will put on a show to win you over and inwardly they are creeps.
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2 years ago ::
Nov 26, 2009 - 4:12PM
#9
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You are a shining star! Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. As far as loneliness, you can change that. Join a group, create a new hobby....etc. I joined MEETUP.COM and found groups in local area with my interests such as knitting, crocheting, beading, jewelry, etc.... there's always a meet up group somewhere. Check it out, and if you are in NYC come join or knitting/crocheter group at the NYC Public Library located 9 W 124 st....Saturdays from 10 a.m. to 1 p.m. (THE HARLEM KNITTING CIRCLE) all the best and HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!!
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