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Switch to Forum Live View 20's a Selfish Time?
6 years ago  ::  Nov 19, 2008 - 12:28AM #1
PxieDst16
Posts: 2
Hello!
I'm new to beliefnet. My name is Jessica. Anyway, I had a question for ya'll. I've been realizing how wrapped up in myself and my life I have been since my teens. I have sort of always been aware of it but now I'm starting to truly care. I find myself getting exhausted with all the focus put on finding myself and keeping things relative to myself only. Does anyone else find that they dislike how self centered this time is? I get sick of the ego.
Jessica
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 20, 2008 - 5:04PM #2
kimburi
Posts: 4
Jessica,
I think that in "American" society we (the 20 somethings) have been told since, well for our whole lives that we are special, we are unique and we are the center of our universe.  It is only natural that we would be selfish.  It is also part of growing up to realise that there are more people out there than just yourself so I am glad that you are seeing that now.  What do you do when you get sick of the ego?
Personally I have those days when I feel like, I only talk about myself, but then I think that my own life if the only reference that i have to the world, and until I have a family  and become a mother this is how I imagine I will live my life.  I got over the ego in as much as a single american female can, by starting to work in the church, seeing the troubles that so many people face is nauseating and it's a real wake up call to see the issues facing teenagers, refugees, the hungry, homeless, sick and suffering in the world.
so my question to you again is what are you doing about your ego?
Kim
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 20, 2008 - 9:16PM #3
PxieDst16
Posts: 2
Hi Kim!
Thanks for the thoughtful reply. I guess I am just trying to be aware of it at this point because I'm truly only just coming to this realization. I intend on becoming a better listener for reasons out of pure concern for them. I know that I'm not very good at that. I mean anyone can be a good listener but if you can't totally be in the moment with them and empathize then you aren't REALLY a good listener. Its really hard for me to be objective so lately I've been struggling to step back and get a clearer perspective. I may volunteer this year at the soup kitchen during Christmas. Not sure yet. I truly believe that if you do something do it because you want to and you will have joy doing it because it will create a true happiness in your heart. Not to say that you shouldn't go out of your comfort zone but be joyous about it, whatever you are doing. Do you have any good ideas? I mean besides the ones you already mentioned.
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 20, 2008 - 9:16PM #4
PxieDst16
Posts: 2
Hi Kim!
Thanks for the thoughtful reply. I guess I am just trying to be aware of it at this point because I'm truly only just coming to this realization. I intend on becoming a better listener for reasons out of pure concern for them. I know that I'm not very good at that. I mean anyone can be a good listener but if you can't totally be in the moment with them and empathize then you aren't REALLY a good listener. Its really hard for me to be objective so lately I've been struggling to step back and get a clearer perspective. I may volunteer this year at the soup kitchen during Christmas. Not sure yet. I truly believe that if you do something do it because you want to and you will have joy doing it because it will create a true happiness in your heart. Not to say that you shouldn't go out of your comfort zone but be joyous about it, whatever you are doing. Do you have any good ideas? I mean besides the ones you already mentioned.
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 22, 2008 - 9:28PM #5
Katja144
Posts: 57
I guess it depends on what you mean by selfish.

Yes, in our 20s, we have fewer obligations.  We generally don't have kids, we may not even have romantic relationships, we might not have mortgages, and we likely don't have to worry about caring for our parents yet.  None of that is a bad thing, and if anyone tells you it is, tell them where to go.  Not tying yourself down to other people or other responsibilities when you have the choice not to, is not a bad thing.  It's only selfish to walk away from the responsibilities you do have--like if you do have a mortgage and don't pay it, or if your parents are sick and you tell them to lump it.  But don't let people who are tired of responsibilities they took on tell you that you're selfish because you didn't take on those responsibilities.

I don't have a mortgage and have no desire to have one; I'd rather live in an apartment my whole life.  That's not selfish.  I don't have kids and never will.  That's not selfish.  It's called not taking on more than you wish to handle, and is probably more responsible than taking on a bunch of junk because other folks expect you to and spending all your time complaining about it later.  It's not selfish.

Now, if you're worried because you don't volunteer enough, aren't there for your friends, etc., then that's different....but that can be changed and isn't specific to any age.
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 28, 2008 - 10:33PM #6
janna220
Posts: 1
I know exactly how you feel and I am also new to this.  This is my first post.  I am completely selfish- always has been- even now that I am a mother.  I thought it would stop but no such luck.  It really bothers me actually.  Any suggestions on how to switch my focus?
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 29, 2008 - 2:35AM #7
MellyJC
Posts: 24
I feel like so much of my life has been about others that it's about time I start making it about me.  Unfortunately this still isn't enough to my liking; I'm too busy trying to secure the basic needs like paying the mortgage before I truly invest in my personal growth.

So for me I think that part is important, but I don't feel *selfish* per se, because of the starting focus being on everyone else (used to be my parents).  But it's my nature as a counselor, I suppose, to care about others.

If you're looking to get more involved in something, I highly recommend Team in Training.  I did that this year and while it feels good personally to get the exercise and whatnot, it's such an amazing experience to feel like part of something bigger, helping save lives.  It's the best decision I've made to date.
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 04, 2008 - 5:03PM #8
BranBran
Posts: 33
I believe a person's 20's is a selfish time by nature.  Mostly because it is the time in a person's life that they are learning who they truely are.  Don't feel guilty for being selfish because it is just part of your human evolution.  It is just a stage of your life.  I am experiencing the same realization that I'm pretty selfish myself.  It doesn't feel good.  There is a bright side though, you can do something about it.  I have found that just being concious of the fact that I am so self-centered has changed  some behaviors.  It has helped me become more thoughtful of my actions.  It's great to donate your time to a cause, I think it is wonderful but you don't have to do that to be less selfish.  You should start with the people nearest you, kind words and thoughtful gestures go a long way.
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 05, 2008 - 1:22PM #9
kimburi
Posts: 4
HaHa
I am laughing because I have been in therapy for a while now and I am realising that although I am very selfish, I am not very self-centered.  I don't do things because I want to, I do things because I think that they are the things that other people will respect me for, which is the wrong way to approach living my life. 
I can't tell you what to do to make you feel less selfish.  I can tell you that what I do to make myself more self-centered is read the Bible, pray, practice meditation, and try to keep my selfish ways in check by working with people who are less fortunate, or being there for my friends who need a shoulder to cry on, or by letting someone else help me every now and again. 
I don't think I am being very helpful here,  I am sorry for that.  But I wish you luck on your journey.
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 05, 2008 - 1:22PM #10
kimburi
Posts: 4
HaHa
I am laughing because I have been in therapy for a while now and I am realising that although I am very selfish, I am not very self-centered.  I don't do things because I want to, I do things because I think that they are the things that other people will respect me for, which is the wrong way to approach living my life. 
I can't tell you what to do to make you feel less selfish.  I can tell you that what I do to make myself more self-centered is read the Bible, pray, practice meditation, and try to keep my selfish ways in check by working with people who are less fortunate, or being there for my friends who need a shoulder to cry on, or by letting someone else help me every now and again. 
I don't think I am being very helpful here,  I am sorry for that.  But I wish you luck on your journey.
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