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Switch to Forum Live View After 20 years of friendship. My best friend is gone. I feel ripped apart inside.
4 years ago  ::  Nov 03, 2013 - 6:11PM #1
Posts: 1

I don't know why posting here. I have friends and family who are being supportive during this time but I needed more. My best friend is gone and I have never been more torn apart. I feel as if I will never be happy again. I feel terrified of seeing everyone else die. I am angry he was taken away. I feel like no matter how happy I try to be I will never truly be happy again. The funeral is tomorrow. I don't want to go and I feel guilty about that. I don't want to see his body or see his shell dropped into the ground. Just writing this I want to throw up. I don't know how to do this. I feel like I want to get back on antidepressants. I need therapy again. I can't stand being alone or not talking to someone. I will never get over this and I am terrified of it. I want my friend back and I will never have him again.

This isn't fair.

Sincerly crushed,

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4 years ago  ::  Nov 04, 2013 - 3:14PM #2
Posts: 3,329

Dear Ebony,                                                                                                                                                                                                  If the idea of going to the funeral of your friend is more than you can handle, especially having to talk to other people about it--stay home. As you said, this is just the shell of someone you loved and there is no reason to torture yourself any more than life is doing to you at the moment. If you want to go out at some future time-or never for that matter it does not mean you loved your best friend any less. Besides, that isn't where your friend's spirit is or where it will stay since it would be extremely boring when all of the limitations imposed on us by our bodies are gone.                                                                                                                                                                                            I was afraid of death when my father died just past my  nineteenth birthday--I still had both sets of grandparents then. I stopped being afraid after experiencing that who we are and the love we have for people doesn't die when we do. I was hit with a wave of love that just wrapped around me and was totally the essence of my Grandpa. I got the call telling me he had died about ten minutes later. His last gift for me took away my fear of death. It didn't make me miss him any less but I knew that he was okay and that helped a lot.                                       There's a psychic streak in my family but I don't see ghosts or talk to them although I do have some connections like having an anniversary card from a friend fall out of my cookbooks just before  our anniversary. As she told my sister-in-law "I'm just dead. I'm not gone." (Twice, in dreams that seriously freaked her out.) When you think of your friend with love  your love still has a place to go.  Please come and check  out the Depression Support forum. The main thread is the Front Desk and you can check us out, start a thread of your own  or whatever woorks for you. You will find a lot of non-judgmental  supportive people and a wide range of people and reasons for our depressions. These people are my family of choice and no one will try to push religion at you other than praying for you. I can promise that you will be welcomed and it  is a support group you don't need to leave the house for.I'll still check back here for you.                                                                            

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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