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Switch to Forum Live View My BF says that I am "always complaining"
5 years ago  ::  Jul 01, 2013 - 9:10AM #1
Posts: 2
Hello guys, I have just created a user on this page. Before I googled "Why do we always fight" and it led me to this home page, and I want to create a new thread about my problems in our relationship, in belief that I get some good responses - which I saw on the other thread. English is not my first language, but my 3'rd so bear with me :).

My bf says I am always complaining about such "little things", that I really shouldn't complain about..  well they are not little for me.
I can start to say this is my first relationship, I am 19 years old and my bf is 10 months younger. I love him to death and i really wanna get married and settle down in the future. Since he lost his job we started fighting, but he recently got a new one, so maybe that's gonna help. I am new to relationships, bear with me again if I am really silly and I shouldn't complain about these things, I just want to see it from a different persons veiw. 

I have quite some problem that have occured in the past, but i will mention a few below. (Tell me if I should tell you guys more)

He once bought a whiskey bottle and I am ok with that, but he wanted to get a glass in the weekends or was it a day in the week, I dont really remember but I didn't like that. I dont want him to develop a habit of alcohol. He's been saying: "I really wanna buy a six pack of beer, so i can drink one tonight". I just think he is a little bit too young for that. I guess it is a guy thing. I really don't like it because my father was an alcoholic and I lost him two days before my 16'th birthday Frown It was really rough. I've told him he reminds me of my father, because my father would always drink. All I am saying is i dont want him to develop a habit and we've been fighing a lot over this. I get all grumpy when he wants to go get a beer and such. I am silly or?? haha

Then I am a really jealous girl, but he always tells me I am the only one he wants and loves, but yet I still continue to fight, I dont know why I do this.
There have been quite a lot of jealous moments from my side, and I will list you guys one. 
I am not the girl who reads texts messages on the phone or facebook etc. But his facebook was open and a chat with this guy from another country (he doesn't know him in real life). And they were talking guys stuff and the other guy complimated me saying that I was good looking and my friends too, and my bf agreed and said that he got some "pretty good looking friends too". Later on in the conversation my bf wrote "I mean not to stalk your facebook but, duuuude your friend (her name) is really good looking".. 
I don't know why but that did hurt me a lot. We argued a lot over that because it did hurt me, and he said it was a compliment of speak. And it was not like if he met her he would jump all over her. Again am I being really over jealous? 

He's been calling be a "b***h". And I CLEARLY made it clear that I didn't want him to use such ugly and disrespectfull langauge. in the first place he was really stubborn and said like "no, no if you are a bitch I will let you know when you are one". I got really extremely mad! He stopped with calling me that, thank God, I think I really made it clear. Tho I allow him telling me if I act "b***hy". 

I dont know if i should come with more examples, let me know. What do you guys think?
Really long post.

Hope you all are good! Bless Smile

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5 years ago  ::  Jul 01, 2013 - 11:30AM #2
Posts: 5,750


You are beautiful because you are you. It has nothing to do with what anybody else says about you. Physical beauty is not a very important thing in life. Unfortunately, our culture tells girls and women it is extremely important, but it actually isn't. What's important is being able to support yourself, and if you are fortunate to have time and treasure to spare, to help others, and along the way enjoy the extraordinary gift of being alive in this wonderful world.

Invest these years of young adulthood in yourself, in education or learning skills that you can use to support yourself. Enjoy the company of others, but be careful to take care of yourself first. Put yourself first. That is not selfish. When you are on firm footing in yourself, you can build stronger relationships with others. You will attract stronger men who are confident in themselves and who attracted to and love women for not only their physical characteristics, but also for their inner qualities. You can't tell other people what to do or not to do. You should express your concerns, but focus on what you want to do about it, not on getting them to do (or not do) something. Decide where you draw the line and stick to it.

I had numerous less than great experiences, yes let's put it that way, with guys at your age, but I was lucky and nothing bad happened. But I also had as my number one goal to become educated and to be able to support myself, and that helped keep me on the right path and mostly in good spirits, too. So I think that is worthwhile for me to let you know that, while people will disappoint you, and that sucks, you need to keep your focus on your own success and not let the other stuff become more concerning and more of a drag than it needs to be.

Best to you,

newsjunkie (Sharon)

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5 years ago  ::  Jul 01, 2013 - 2:49PM #3
Posts: 16,577

I am thinking that love at 18 and 19 is intense and real but that doesn't mean it will turn into marriage. In the US, it is illegal to drink and buy alcohol. I don't know about where you live. However, if you two have different views on alcohol, that is a huge problem right there.  If he is calling you names, that is another huge problem.  He is not going to change. Marriage does not change people in that way. 

I really hate to tell you this but I think you are not meant for each other. I also think you know that or you would not be asking for help. It is time to start looking for a new boyfriend who shares your views on things like alcohol and treats you respectfully.


Good luck.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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5 years ago  ::  Jul 19, 2013 - 6:14PM #4
Posts: 9,954


If you're looking for a life-partner, a "'til death do us part" mate, then i certainly agree with REteach; this is not the guy for you.

If you love someone, you accept them as they are, not try to change them(other than stating what you wish, and seeing if they'll adapt or not: for example, i once told a girl i was dating that i loved long hair, and she had it cut short the next week.  Buh-bye!).  You said you've told him your dad was an alcoholic and how much it means to you to be with someone who is not an alcoholic or drinks alcohol, and his response is to continue to poison his body and brain with that crap.  This is not someone who loves and respects you.  If you have to try to change someone into who you want before you'll love them, then they are not who you REALLY need or want...especially not for a lifetime.

He may be cute and all, may have other qualities you like and admire and love, but the fact that he minimizes your concerns by trivializing them and you, mainly because he wants to keep doing what he wants to do(to hell with your feelings), means that he takes you for granted, as well as your love.

This is someone whose star you want to be hitched to?  May as well tie a 200lb anchor around your neck and try to swim from Cuba to Florida.

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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