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11 months ago  ::  May 30, 2013 - 6:54AM #1
DalyaMaria
Posts: 70
I have a major problem, though don't we all? I was in true love with someone in college. He, I think, was in love with me, too, as much as you can be at that age anyway. He had had sex with other women in high school and I think that it effected his outlook and ability to communicate with women. Plus, I had been a virgin with high ideals. I had come from a Catholic background and he had come from a Methodist background. We never expressed to eachother how we felt about one another, but there were little ways to tell. For instance, once my best friend told him I needed to talk to him, and he was immediately on the phone with me because of her conversation with him. Also, he once came home from classes really happy and I had been on his doorstep waiting for him to come back from classes. Well, when he saw me he asked me to come over that night, really enthusiastically. Finally, the day we parted, I was very upset and he was very quiet. We hugged eachother good-bye and I said," Good-bye forever." He responded with, "Don't say that." Then he got out of my car and left. These may not be defining ways of evaluating a situation, but it seemed clear to me at the time that we liked eachother. We were young, though, and he had major plans for his life. He was to become a well-travelled peroformer and actor. Now, he's an assistant professor of theater performance at a university.

I on the other hand, I remained starry-eyed and never married. He went on with his life and did marry. Now he has two children and a his own life. I recently got in touch with him to see what he had done with his life, secretly hoping for my dream with him to be realized. Well, when I found out that he had been married, I subtlely told him what had brought me to see him, because I wanted to get it out, after holding it in for so many years.

I guess his and my immaturity is what kept us apart. I was too young and immature at the time, and idealistic and shy, to tell him how I felt. I thought the guy should initiate by sharing his feelings with the woman first.

Well, now he's all confused.

Catholics never used to believe in divorce, but I was recently at Mass and the priest said they now allow it. I have gone through a lot of changes spiritually in the last couple of years, which is what led me to this website.

My ideas are much more liberal, and although I don't want to break up a marriage, I want my own happiness. I've waited a long time and I want to see my dream fulfilled now. I feel my waiting deserves to be rewarded.  Anyway, I don't know how Methodists feel about divorce, but being Christian, whether its allowed or not, it's probably not well accepted, even if it's allowed. I don't want to break up his family, because I believe in family, too. But, I would prefer that he have his family with me, of course. I think we created a bad situation in the beginning by not sharing our feelings with eachother, but I have waited faithfully for him for the last 25 years, idealistically. I'm happy with how I've waited because I know that it would be great to be with him finally, I am that confident.

I think though that he still has a lot to overcome emotionally because he's confused about his marriage since seeing me. I also think his home life when he was a child hurt him terribly and put him in denial about a lot of things. So, he had trouble with discerning his true feelings about his life, such as me, and even his career path. He was a wonderful songwriter, but looked to his best friend for support instead of discerning for himself if he should develop his own talent. He ended up choosing the career path his best friend was interested in, instead of going into music, which he would have been great at, considering his songs were so rich and beautiful to listen to.

I know I'm not perfect either. I was too immature to tell him how I felt, and I waited a very long time to find him again and tell him how I feel. I know the practical thing to do would be to let him alone, but I feel that God has given me a chance to help him get out of his confusion and realize he should live according to his passion, and to truly do what his heart desires not what is practical, because you only go about once. I'm ready to do whatever it takes to get him back

This is not just an isolated situation in my life. I am going about making major changes in my life to live it to the fullest. I have left my family because of their callous behavior toward me. I have decided that I deserve to be treated with respect, and I'm not allowing people to hurt me anymore. I have a new crowd of friends who are very self-respecting, and respect those around them. They are honest with themselves and the people around them, and their honesty has rolled off on me. I want to get "my guy" back and see him live the life he dreamed of when he was young. We are no longer in our 20's but we have much to accomplish yet, as I see it, and we really don't need a lot to live. My real goal is to be happy with the people I spend time with and the way I live my life, in pure honesty and down-to -earth living. 

I didn't always believe this. I used to have many emotional problems that led me to being unhappy, but in the last year and a half I've had life-changing experiences that have changed my outlook in life from wanting money and stability to wanting happiness and inner peace. I think I will find that if I keep my desires truthful and go after them, not allowing society's rules to get in the way.

If you have any comments on this, they are welcome. 
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11 months ago  ::  May 30, 2013 - 10:04AM #2
Thetanager
Posts: 1,000

DalyaMaria...explaining this issue to us and giving your various reasons for why you think following through with your actions tells me you are more conflicted than you want to believe on this issue.  I think that is because God is convicting you of your desires and wants to use this opportunity to help you find closure on the earlier point of your life with this man so that you can move beyond it and him as part of the process of God making you into something new and bringing an even fuller life (maybe including a different man) than you could ever imagine or idealize with this former lover.


One question to ask yourself is where your authority lies.  Does it lie with your own personal/selfish desires?  Does it lie with what society says and allows?  Does it lie with God?  Would Jesus (you say you are a non-denominational Christian) do this if in your shoes?


If I was in your situation, I would not follow my heart because as I have experienced my heart often leads me astray.  It promises more and more happiness but ends up delivering less and less unless I align my heart with the truth God brings to us.  The annoying press of God that often goes against my heart always leads to greater happiness, even if I thought I knew what my happiness looked like.  Happiness lies in finding our identity in Christ, not in idealized or real relationships with others or pursuing what we feel we deserve for being good.


I think if you two follow through there will be great damage upon the three other people involved in such a decision and on yourselves.  Just because you feel you created a bad situation years ago by not being honest with each other and pursuing each other, don't create another bad situation.


But don't do it just because I say it.  Seek God.  Read what Jesus has to say (Matthew 5, 19, Mark 10, Luke 16) or Paul (1 Cor 7).  Read the story about David in 2 Samuel 11 when he made decisions thinking only about what he wanted and deserved.  That would be my advice.

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11 months ago  ::  Jun 05, 2013 - 11:12PM #3
DalyaMaria
Posts: 70
Thank you for your comments. They are really appreciated. I am glad for your contribution. I like what you said about where my authority lies. I will think about that.

I did realize that he probably is set in his ways now. When I saw him a couple of weeks ago he said he wanted to help me with my personal issues (although he didn't do very well). I talked to God about it and He made me realize that my friend and I just don't match up in our thinking anymore. I am looking to see someone else now.

Actually, when I remembered further situations with him I recalled that, back then, every time he came near me to try to get close to me I felt a strange feeling of "brotherliness" toward him. I felt that I couldn't get close to him, to kiss him or any thing like that, because he felt like my brother more than a lover, and I'm not into "incestuous" relationships. Anyway, I realized that perhaps this is more of a feeling that I care about him as a friend, more that a lover-type. Because we became close too quickly and then he graduated and left, and there was really no time to stabilize any kind of real relationship. Ends were left untied. That's why I still have these feelings, and he is now a bit nervous, and I don't blame him. He's used to leaving things unfinished, not too in tune with his feelings, maybe I'm not either, but I'm working on it. The thing is, I want closure at least. I want him to tell me that he's happily married and in love with his wife, so I can go on feeling that there is nothing further to do with this relationship and the past is over. But, he still has a problem with that. Writing this IS helping me to find closure within myself.

I believe I will see him again, because I think it's meant to happen, either by he or by me. When I last spoke about him to a friend, just before he left years ago, I didn't feel we'd see each other again, but something led me to finding him. When I did see him a few weeks ago, I found that over the time we had been separated we had similar family issues pop up in our lives. It's this similarity that draws me to him and makes me see him as someone who I still want to know, and help him through his issues, to help him heal, as a brother in Christ, even if we don't get together in a relationship.

I just want to know him, and be his friend because there is some kind of attachment I have with him and feel about him. I don't know if this kind of thing makes sense to anyone. I have learned over the last many years that I am a free individual and can make my own choices, but I am attached to this person, somehow. It may be brotherly love, not sexual love that attracts me. It's hard to know. He was incredibly physically attractive when he was young and in pictures we look like sister and brother. Now, he just looks like an aging man, but it hasn't stopped the attachment, which is a heart attachment, not a sexual attachment. I can't explain it any better than that. I just want him in my life, even if it's just to be his friend.

I'm not sure if it's just me. It may be, but I'm hoping it isn't because I feel that there is more to it than a physical thing. I know you said I shouldn't rely on my feelings, but it's my feelings that I have come to respect all these years and they usually, in conjunction with instinct and reasoning, have helped me become independent and successful in life. I have made a lot of mistakes, but I think I've had to make them to come to understand myself better. But, coming from a very logical family, I think I can understand why you believe as you do when you say not to follow your feelings. I'm the only one in my family who respects feelings. I believe that God didn't give us feelings to ignore them, but to give us richer lives by using them and making life fuller in respecting them.
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11 months ago  ::  Jun 06, 2013 - 3:16PM #4
Thetanager
Posts: 1,000

It's great to hear you are finding some closure through getting your thoughts out and bouncing them off of others.  Not to mention helping me thinking through some things and probably making an impact on others reading it that maybe are going through similar things.


I didn't mean don't respect your feelings or take them into consideration at all.  I meant just don't do things based only in the heat of the moment on strong feelings.  I meant to take into consideration the fuller picture (instincts, intellect, nudgings from God) like I think you are saying you are doing.  We are told to love God with our heart, soul, mind and body, not just feelings or not just intellect.  And it's a process for all of us in trying to find the balance.


My last thought would just be that even if you can handle just being a friend, maybe he can't or his wife can't and the loving action may be to separate yourself from him and letting God send another in your place that can minister to him the way you would like to.

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11 months ago  ::  Jun 06, 2013 - 3:42PM #5
DalyaMaria
Posts: 70

Jun 6, 2013 -- 3:16PM, Thetanager wrote:

It's great to hear you are finding some closure through getting your thoughts out and bouncing them off of others.  Not to mention helping me thinking through some things and probably making an impact on others reading it that maybe are going through similar things.


I didn't mean don't respect your feelings or take them into consideration at all.  I meant just don't do things based only in the heat of the moment on strong feelings.  I meant to take into consideration the fuller picture (instincts, intellect, nudgings from God) like I think you are saying you are doing.  We are told to love God with our heart, soul, mind and body, not just feelings or not just intellect.  And it's a process for all of us in trying to find the balance.


My last thought would just be that even if you can handle just being a friend, maybe he can't or his wife can't and the loving action may be to separate yourself from him and letting God send another in your place that can minister to him the way you would like to.


That's a possibility, and I do think, because the situation is a little more complicated than I've explained, that it may be my only recourse right now. You see, he's really paranoid and is afraid of me because I told him I have a mental illness. I've already revealed in my journal that I've been diagnosed with mental illness. Apparently, people with "religious ideations" are considered suspect by the psychological/psychiatric community. Now, this website includes a lot of people who believe in God and have seen and believe in spiritual phenomena. Well, my situation is the same. My friend's problem includes the fact that his mother had a mental illness and was found dead in the woods outside his house when he was 14 years old. Also, I was with him the day he found out that his only, older brother was diagnosed with a mental illness, too, and was admitted into a psychiatric hospital. He has a lot of issues with mental illness. My situation is similar, but not as serious, and this website has helped me move through a lot of issues that I was dealing with that originally caused my mental illness. Now, my  mind is clearer than ever before, and it is due to the freedom I've felt in being able to express my spiritual side on this website. The situation with him includes the fact that when I told him I had a (mental) illness, he became afraid that I wanted to kill his family. He's an actor and they're pretty melodramatic in their perceptions, so they can get pretty weird sometimes. I don't really know where he got that idea, but I have been thinking that it's better to keep away from him, because the second time I saw him, he called the cops on me to take me to a mental hospital. I kept my cool and was able to make them see that I was not a psychokiller, but I see also that if I persist in trying to befriend him, he'll become afraid again and try to hurt me out of what he will perceive as self-defense. So, it's going to be hard, but you're right in saying that I need to use my logical side in evaluating situations. I still care about him, but I no longer think it's possible to be near him without endangering my own safety and freedom to live in the world as a free person. In other words, I don't want to be locked up. So, your advice is well-taken. Thank you.

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11 months ago  ::  Jun 07, 2013 - 10:48AM #6
Thetanager
Posts: 1,000

No problem.  You've said expressing yourself on this website has helped things.  Another thing that has always helped me, especially fresh off becoming a Christian, was finding someone older in the faith that could disciple me in person.  A strong Christian lady at your church or something like that.  It's been fun getting to know a bit about you and I will be praying for you.

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10 months ago  ::  Jul 02, 2013 - 9:29PM #7
REteach
Posts: 13,547

Trying to ruin a marriage because of some college dream strikes me as being pretty close to evil. 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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