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Switch to Forum Live View Speed bump on my journey to Jesus
1 year ago  ::  Feb 17, 2013 - 5:44PM #1
Anewhope
Posts: 2
Hi.  I tried to title this entry about 6 times before I finally gave up and just picked one.  It's so hard to describe what's going on in just a title bar...

I got married 3.5 years ago, 4 days shy of turning 26.  My husband and I had known each other for about a year when we got married, and we only dated from October-February before he proposed.  He was so cool.  He got me, understood me, liked to go out and hang out with people, liked to travel around a little... now he's a totally different person.  He's suffering from some work-related, and some genetic, physical issues and it's really taking a toll on me... both physically and emotionally.

We do not have a religious home.  We have no children, due to fertility issues, and my husband was not raised with religion.  I wasn't raised with it, really, either, but I was definitely exposed to it and curious about it throughout my life.

I have finally encountered someone that makes understanding Jesus easy for me.  This person has actually saved my life, I think.  The problem is, this person is a man.  He's conflicted because he's never guided a woman down the path before... he's a youth leader, so he's usually working with teenage boys!  There are just so many amazing things about him... and he knows Jesus.

I had a really powerful talk with him about religion and believing, etc.  I came home a new person.  The next morning the world looked different! It was truly amazing.  I told my husband about how I had this really powerful moment, sort of an epiphany, and that I am interested in studying about God and Jesus and how I am going to make a point of going to church and really doing the work.  He had a very defensive response, along the lines of "Well that's fine, but don't expect me to do it too".  I would never push him to do something like that... it's a personal choice and you have to be in the right place to take that first step.

Ever since he acted like that, I can hardly stand to be in the same room with him.  It felt unsupportive and mean-spirited, but every time I bring up something like this, he gets all crazy defensive and we end up fighting MORE.

I'm almost 30, but I still get that girlish feeling whenever I'm around my new spiritual mentor.  I don't know if it's an effect of him showing me the light, or if it's an effect of my husband being kind of a jerk to me about it, but at this point I'm ready to trade one for the other.  At least with my mentor I would have a loving Christ-centered relationship.

I sometimes think maybe I got married too quickly.  Any advice for my situation?  I've Googled it and can't find anything helpful.
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1 year ago  ::  Feb 17, 2013 - 8:11PM #2
rideronthastorm
Posts: 4,648

I'm almost 30, but I still get that girlish feeling whenever I'm around my new spiritual mentor.  I don't know if it's an effect of him showing me the light, or if it's an effect of my husband being kind of a jerk to me about it, but at this point I'm ready to trade one for the other.  At least with my mentor I would have a loving Christ-centered relationship.
I sometimes think maybe I got married too


 


IMO If your going to be a Christian be a Christian,this is exacty one of the main reasons I turned away from the Christian mainline churches and even though I reaccepted Jesus last year while i was in the old folks home. theres too many people in the church living in what the bible refers to as sin adultery and divorce is sin.


Anyways forget the youth leader,you know that its abusive for him to be involved with church members? For a leader like that in the church when they commit adultery and have relations with someone in the church sometimes; the person feels like because hes in  a church leadership role that if they dont do what the leader wants that leader will make them look bad at church. It becomes a power play which is abusive for the leader.


 


You fall in love with jesus its natural to do that and often when we do this fall in love with God or spirituality sometimes the leader who brings you to this can take advantage of you. Its an emotional moment coming to Jesus like I did at the Penteocstal church.


 if someone like your youth leader takes advantage of your vuneralbility later on down the road you may come to feel violated.What if you want to stop the affair and the youth leader doesnt? He could tell people at your church that your not living for God turn people against you. Im saying its a dangerous thing dont do it.


Most churches have rules for their leaders to not get involved romantically with their parishinors for that reason, they can search for love somewhere else .

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1 year ago  ::  Feb 17, 2013 - 8:24PM #3
rideronthastorm
Posts: 4,648

Affairs are dangerous.........This is one reason why im Polyamourous but I know all Evangelical type Christian churche are against like yours but Polyamoury folks who have an open marriage open relationship dont have appearances on the Investigation discovery channel because one of them got killed because of jealousy. You ever watch that ID? They have several shows on about true crime stories about couples who have affairs Deadly Affairs and what not people get themselves killed everyday in situations like that.

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1 year ago  ::  Feb 17, 2013 - 10:42PM #4
REteach
Posts: 13,540

How can you think you have found Jesus and adultery at the same time?  You really think that Jesus thinks it is a good idea for you to commit adultery?  


Imthink you need to work on reconnecting with your husband.




I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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1 year ago  ::  Feb 17, 2013 - 11:03PM #5
Anewhope
Posts: 2

I think perhaps I mis-communicated what was happening.  There is nothing going on between me and my mentor, but I have very strong feelings about him.  I don't know what they mean, but I need to work it out...



I guess my main question was... have you ever heard of finding religion being the cause of a separation/divorce?  I'm scared that if my husband doesn't support me in this journey that could be the end for us.

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1 year ago  ::  Feb 18, 2013 - 11:36AM #6
rideronthastorm
Posts: 4,648

Its a rough road juping into marriage. This is why I got angry with my sister for trying to set me up with the 2 men that they did in the past 10 years and both of them expected me to jump into marriage with them before I even got to know them.


It was expected they said because of our ages we just need to setle down and that they being Christian and older wanted to just settle down not to have to pursue and court me. Im like I beg yoeur pardon? Just because Im older doesnt mean i dont need to be pursued and romanced like evryone else. But still its always a bad idea no matter how you look at it and even if your older.


However your in this marriage not to break up. But you did you know say you had feelings for your youth director at first I dont think there was a miscommunication................ you definitly dont need to be involved with him forget him.


 


Try this. Try wrking around it. If he doesnt want to give Christianity a try ask him if hed visit like  a Unity Christian church or liberal Christian churh, a churh that might be more accepting of nonbelievers.


You know Unity Christin churches have atheists there maybe you could start with that instead of your Evangelical church. The Evangelical mainline churches are hard to swallow for non believers its  a big hard change for anyone. I accepted Jesus last Aprill and even I cant bring myself to do it its tough,


 


You could also try listening to service at home on tv and or on 2nd Lfe instead of going outside the home that way at least your hsuband would be included. Also you might try some counseling too, that always works....................family counseling.


 

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1 year ago  ::  Feb 19, 2013 - 10:40PM #7
REteach
Posts: 13,540

My husband has told me that when you are in the mood to cheat, any excuse sounds legitimate.  IMO, you are asking us to excuse you from moving into an adulterous relationship for religious reasons.  Clearly your husband has good reasons to be suspicious of your new "religion."


either find a new mentor or admit you just have cheating in your heart.


I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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1 year ago  ::  Feb 20, 2013 - 1:52AM #8
Estacia
Posts: 2,205

I think difference of religon can and perhaps will ruin/destroy relationship. It RUINED my marriage in the begining of my marraige when my husband was "going pagan".


There were beliefs, attitutes I could not handle or agree with.


I would seek a conselor who does not know you or your spouse and get input before making any life changing decisions.


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1 year ago  ::  Feb 20, 2013 - 10:41AM #9
Thetanager
Posts: 998

Anewhope...I wanted to share a few thoughts (given as advice/suggestions) for your consideration. First, welcome to the family; it is a great reason for rejoicing in what God has done in our lives!


Second, please go to your church and ask for pastoral guidance. Don't rely on people on the internet (including me) or your feelings for we can lead you astray. Your pastor should be able to help you find a good Christian counselor or mentor to talk to. Ask the pastor to suggest an older woman you could meet with and have as a mentor, especially since you have "girlish feelings" around the youth leader. Those are an effect of him showing you the light and your husband being a jerk (among other things, I'm sure). It is easy (and dangerous in many ways) to connect our spiritual experiences with individuals who played a role in them, but it is Jesus who saved you. He saved you through (in part) talking with this guy. He will use other people in your life as well, but it is God who you are really being attracted to. If the feelings for the youth guy continue, you would do well to avoid interactions with him. Your relationship is with Jesus, not this man.


Third, go to the Bible and prayer with God. I know at least two passages from the Bible that speak to your situation. In 1 Corinthians 7:12-16, Paul gives you this advice: to stay married to your husband. Ultimately it may be (and I have seen this happen numerous times) that your husband comes to know God through your loving example. 1 Peter 3 also gives the same advice, to show your inner beauty (which is being made ever more beautiful by God) to your husband that he may come to see and know God and what God can do in our lives.


Fourth, trading this guy for your husband would not involve having a loving, Christ-centered relationship. It would be focused on your girlish feelings and his boyish feelings (if he has them towards you). Don't confuse spiritual mentorship with romantic love (it's easy to do, so don't beat yourself up over having such thoughts either...just make choices to avoid it going wrong). I really think you can have a Christ-centered focus on your husband. Love is a choice, not a feeling. Marriage is to seek the betterment of our spouse. Love takes a toll, but Jesus tells us to bring our burdens to Him. You've experienced that...your husband hasn't. He will react in defensive ways until he sees the love of God that is in you. Show him that love unrelentlessly just as God has been unrelentless with you. Perhaps you got married too early, but you are married now. I would advise you to pray to God, and if you think it was a sin to marry so early, ask for forgiveness and get back to the reality of marriage and God's call to love your spouse. Your past does not define you; God is making you new and redeeming every part of your life, including your role in your marriage. He can make you stronger and your husband stronger through your marriage, but it will take work and prayer and coming to God and letting Him do what He does best, making all things new.

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1 year ago  ::  Feb 20, 2013 - 3:22PM #10
Hatman
Posts: 9,634
A New Hope-
i can understand the feelings; when you have a beautiful experience, it's just natural that you'd want to share it with another, especially one you've been intimate with!  It's also natural to be (at least) irritated when the one to whom you tell your story does not share your enthusiasm, and to find common-cause with another who DOES share your joy.

There's a book by Kahlil Gibran called "Jesus, the Son of Man."  In it, he goes into greater detail in explaining some of Christ's parables, among them the one about "casting pearls before swine."  What he says is the REASON why you should be discreet about where and with whom you share such pearls is that many will, upon hearing such a story of wonder, will feel jealous or as if you are "putting on airs," that is, that you think you are better than they are(of course this isn't the case; IME, you'd like them to join with you in your joy or want the same for themselves, but that's how they FEEL about it).

Part of becoming a disciple of Christ is learning when to speak and when to remain silent, when to share and when to withhold, when to listen and when to speak(and how).  So seek the grace of the Holy Spirit within you, and listen for her guidance, as well as that of the aforementioned human mentors(remembering that they, being unperfected, will be fallible).

Again ime, my grandparents were the best examples of real christians i ever saw; they wouldn't shove Christ in front of anyone, but let the examples of their lives shine...and if any asked questions, THEN they would elucidate, in as much detail as the questioner could stand(and as guided by the HG) about the principles and teachings of Christ.

Some simply aren't ready.  If you attempt to eat a persimmon before it's ripe, you'll know what i mean.
IME, what needs to be done is to drop hints from time to time, perhaps, but mostly just let the example of what you're finding, both within and without, serve as your Witness.  Only when they begin to question should you give answer, and then, judiciously---with discretion and prudence.

Remember, the light of Christ is on your PATH, not in your EYES...and neither should Christ's light be used to blind anyone, whether unintentionally or no.

Find out where they are on their spiritual path, then ask within what should be revealed(and how); you will have your answers when you trust.

Warmest regards-

Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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