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Switch to Forum Live View How do I support my grieving boyfriend?
5 years ago  ::  Nov 30, 2012 - 12:57PM #1
Posts: 3
My boyfriend's best friend of 10 years died suddenly last week in a tragic accident that killed 3 university students.  I have been with him for over a year, and I knew their relationship was very close.  They were both international students who came to the US together 7 years ago and have lived, worked, and taken classes together ever since.

Needless to say he is devastated, and he is now becoming moody, withdrawn, and angry.
Since the initial shock is wearing off, I find myself at a loss.  He has no family here, though he has many good friends, but I am still the closest person to him.  I have no idea what to do or say to support him, I find myself becoming frustrated sometimes, and my feelings are easily hurt when he reacts angrily.

Can anyone give me advice? I love him very much, and I want to help him, but I don't know what to do...
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5 years ago  ::  Nov 30, 2012 - 4:28PM #2
Posts: 3,329

Honey, sometimes all  you can do is just be there for someone, and not take his lashing out at you to heart. Anger is a stage of grief--and losing a friend in a car accident is horrible, regardless of whose fault it was. Is there any grief counseling at the university? Usually when several students die they at least try to offer help. My son lost a dear friend in high school--had just reached the point of calling her, but she died that weekend and she was just a great person.

If he wants to talk, listen. If he just wants to hold on to you...I'm sorry for both of you. Are there any other exchange students there from his country or other friends he has there?

I don't now if just having everyone meet and talk over pizza like a sort of wake would help him.

He's very lucky that he has you. He knows that however he's lashing out. That can be a combination of his taking it out on everyone and even pushing away anyone close so it won't hurt so much if he loses them. Grief takes as long as it takes. The modern version where you are supposed to be over it and back to work/school in 3 days is insane because it takes longer than that just for the numbness to fade.

Don't now if you'll think I'm crazy, but I can tell you that who we are and who we love goes on. I was terrified of death when my father died 2 months after I turned 19. I still had both sets of grandparents so losing him first (4th heart attack) was hard.

When his father died, I was home alone and just got hit with this wave of love like being totally surrounded in a hug that was just Grandpa. I got the call telling me he'd died 150 miles away about 10 minutes later. I' haven't been afraid of death since then--it was an amazing final gift from him.  I know it sounds crazy, but i wasn't the only one  he said goodbye to that way.

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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