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Switch to Forum Live View Those who never heal
5 years ago  ::  Oct 30, 2012 - 9:30AM #1
mmm76
Posts: 1
It's been almost 24 years since my dad died when I was 12. I've not been able to get to the point of happy thoughts when I think of him. The pain today is as overwhelming & physically painful as it was then. It has ruled my life, despite much counseling & some in patient psych wards as a teen. It ALWAYS comes back to that ever since he died, I've been waiting to die. The only reason I'm still here is because i couldn't do that to my mother. For me, life's good times have never outweighed the pain that life brings. I've never felt like I belonged here or have a place here. i'm just a waste of space. And i know that there are so many people in the world that carry much worse hardships than mine. But that doesn't stop my feelings. It just adds utter shame. I'm 36. It's agonizing to think of all the years I have left. Why is OK to kill unborn babies but not ourselves?
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5 years ago  ::  Oct 30, 2012 - 7:35PM #2
ann3048
Posts: 1

First of all, I am so sorry for the pain in which you live. As cliche as it sounds, I can relate to what you are feeling. When my little brother committed suicide in 2001, he was 29, my life ended. A part of me died too. It is as if the world stopped turning. And in a lot of ways, it never started up again. My husband died five months ago and I feel like I can't go on. Breathing is hard. I wish I could give you some great quote or wonderful, magic suggestion to make it better, but obviously I have nothing. Hopefully you know that you are not alone. More people can relate to you than you realize. Hang in there...day by day is all I can handle right now. Just try to find something small to enjoy.

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5 years ago  ::  Oct 31, 2012 - 12:53PM #3
karbie
Posts: 3,329

I lost my father when I'd just turned 19. He was only 47 and 2 weeks. When I got married the first time, he was too sick to come to the rehearsal. He was in the hospital with his 3rd heart attac 2 days after my marriage. Neithe my sister or I could come home to see him because the shock of knowing how bad he was would have killed him. After that, every minute was borrowed time. And when that marriage tanked--he moved in his mistress before moving me out, all I could thin of was that my father had killed himself for nothing. I lived with that crushing me until last year.


He'd applied for disability retirement before my marriage but the paper workgot lost. He gambled--I was at the dentis and he was at the doctor's office because they shared a building. The doctor told him to get to the hospital because he was about to have a heart attack. He came out and told me the doctor said his heart was down and he was improving. I was 18. I didn't think of checking with the doctor. We grew up hearing "You're going to kill me and then you'll be sorry."


I refused to let my husband use that line on our son because I knew the guilt and anquish from it lasted a lifetime.


Our lives end when they are supposed to. Love survives death.


Daddy was the first relative I'd really lost; I still had both sets of grandparents then. When I married my husband 35 years ago, both my grandfathers walked me down the aisle because I couldn't choose one and hurt the other.


When my paternal Grandpa died, he took away my fear of death. I was home and was suddenly wrapped around with love that was unmistakenly Grandpa. I got the call telling me he'd died 150 miles away about 10 minutes later. Who we are and their love for us survives death. It was a great parting gift. I just lost my dearest Grandma 4 years ago whe she was over 100. A few days before she died, she dreamed that she was at a huge party with all the people she loved who'd been gone before she was. After awhile, she realized that the colors were too magnificent and the room too large to be on Earth and it must be Heaven. She wasn't particulary thrilled to wake up badk in her worn out body and pain. That last afternoon she kept trying to get fully concious. When I went to hold her hand and she squeezed mine, we knew she could hear us. So my sister and I and Mother got to tell her how much she meant to us our whole lives. She cried over Mother's. All of us told her it was okay to let go, and she was gone withi the hour.


If there are things you need to say, write a letter, burn it, and the message will get there. When we think of them with love, they know it. They can check on us, in dreams or real life. Anger blocks that. You will see the better version of them, without all the anger, pressure, and pain we deal with here. OUr sould come here to learn how to handle all the negative things this demented sandbox called life inflicts on us.


I'd like to invite you both to the Depression forum--check out the front desk and you'll get an idea of who we all are. These are my family of choice, we care about each other, and we share grief, good things, and it is the least judgemental group of women I've ever had the joy to know. It's sure cheaper than therapy. There are people dealing with losses ther as well--and so much depression is clinical depression, which literally alters your brain chemistry. I got Grandma to agree to try them when she was 99. It had been mentioned to her by many people, but she thought it was bein weak to get help. I told her that pain and stress affect the body. No one tells my sister to cheer up when she needs an insulin shot; she has to get her sugar managed. Grandma was still in her home when she turned 100.


I'm sorry for your losses and the pain you are going through. Try to let go of being crushed by the past--and I've lived there until off and on until I found out Mother doesn't blame me. That was huge for me. No matter what happened in the past, you deserve to feel better; you deserve to have friends and a place to vent--which is why I'd like you both to at least check it out. My prayers are with you both.

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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5 years ago  ::  Nov 02, 2012 - 5:52PM #4
MarleneEmmett5
Posts: 1,799

MMM76:
I'm going to tell you a story.
I was only 18 when I aborted my son~ I wanted him but my father ordered me to do so.
The abortion happened in March, and in May my parents and I were in Israel for the 25th
Anniversary/their 25 & my 19th birthday. I hadn't cried for my son.
That was until I underwent a major change at the Chruch of the Holy Selepchure.
I had touched the slab where Jesus is said to have been lain and my heart was opened up.
I told no body about this~I greived in private~I cried for the first time at the Wailing wall.


Eighteen months later my world came to a stand still,when my mom suffered a massive
debilitating stroke and three months later was diagnosed with a inopberable brain tumor.

Between that time and the day she died I hade to grieve in private.
I couldn't mention what had happened~My mom was my father's 1st prioriety.
What had happened to me didn't matter~my son was a problem and my father's way
of dealing with it was making me undergo an abortion.
Strange thing is this~ I was an adopted child cause they couldn't have children due to
the fact that she'd under gone a hysterectomy after a miscarriage.

My mom died on September 29,1974 at the age of 60.
Between August 15 and October 31st I usually go thru a major Depression.
I always thought that it was because of her passing~ that was until August 27th,2010.
I called a close friend to wish him Happy Birthday~then made a major mistake.
I told him a secret~"How can I forget your birthday or the fact I aborted our son?"

Yes, I said it~on his birthday I told him about the abortion.
Our son would have turned 39 last month.
I can never forget my son or my mother's death~both are connected.
And I can never get over them.

So I know what you're going thru.
I hope that things get easier for you~the pain will get better,but it will never really go away.
My prayers are with you.Innocent

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5 years ago  ::  Nov 02, 2012 - 5:57PM #5
MarleneEmmett5
Posts: 1,799

Oct 30, 2012 -- 7:35PM, ann3048 wrote:


First of all, I am so sorry for the pain in which you live. As cliche as it sounds, I can relate to what you are feeling. When my little brother committed suicide in 2001, he was 29, my life ended. A part of me died too. It is as if the world stopped turning. And in a lot of ways, it never started up again. My husband died five months ago and I feel like I can't go on. Breathing is hard. I wish I could give you some great quote or wonderful, magic suggestion to make it better, but obviously I have nothing. Hopefully you know that you are not alone. More people can relate to you than you realize. Hang in there...day by day is all I can handle right now. Just try to find something small to enjoy.




Anne3048:
Sorry for your loss, know that you have found a place to talk to people who have gone
thru what you have~ I lost my mom at age 19 and my son at age 18. See story below.
Also there I've lost a cousin to sucide and a close friend's sister committed sucide and
i'm worried about him as he has chronic depression.
Take Karbibe's suggestion and come to the Depression/grief forum.



 

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5 years ago  ::  Nov 05, 2012 - 2:50PM #6
MarleneEmmett5
Posts: 1,799

Oct 31, 2012 -- 12:53PM, karbie wrote:


I lost my father when I'd just turned 19. He was only 47 and 2 weeks. When I got married the first time, he was too sick to come to the rehearsal. He was in the hospital with his 3rd heart attac 2 days after my marriage. Neithe my sister or I could come home to see him because the shock of knowing how bad he was would have killed him. After that, every minute was borrowed time. And when that marriage tanked--he moved in his mistress before moving me out, all I could thin of was that my father had killed himself for nothing. I lived with that crushing me until last year.


He'd applied for disability retirement before my marriage but the paper workgot lost. He gambled--I was at the dentis and he was at the doctor's office because they shared a building. The doctor told him to get to the hospital because he was about to have a heart attack. He came out and told me the doctor said his heart was down and he was improving. I was 18. I didn't think of checking with the doctor. We grew up hearing "You're going to kill me and then you'll be sorry."


I refused to let my husband use that line on our son because I knew the guilt and anquish from it lasted a lifetime.


Our lives end when they are supposed to. Love survives death.


Daddy was the first relative I'd really lost; I still had both sets of grandparents then. When I married my husband 35 years ago, both my grandfathers walked me down the aisle because I couldn't choose one and hurt the other.


When my paternal Grandpa died, he took away my fear of death. I was home and was suddenly wrapped around with love that was unmistakenly Grandpa. I got the call telling me he'd died 150 miles away about 10 minutes later. Who we are and their love for us survives death. It was a great parting gift. I just lost my dearest Grandma 4 years ago whe she was over 100. A few days before she died, she dreamed that she was at a huge party with all the people she loved who'd been gone before she was. After awhile, she realized that the colors were too magnificent and the room too large to be on Earth and it must be Heaven. She wasn't particulary thrilled to wake up badk in her worn out body and pain. That last afternoon she kept trying to get fully concious. When I went to hold her hand and she squeezed mine, we knew she could hear us. So my sister and I and Mother got to tell her how much she meant to us our whole lives. She cried over Mother's. All of us told her it was okay to let go, and she was gone withi the hour.


If there are things you need to say, write a letter, burn it, and the message will get there. When we think of them with love, they know it. They can check on us, in dreams or real life. Anger blocks that. You will see the better version of them, without all the anger, pressure, and pain we deal with here. OUr sould come here to learn how to handle all the negative things this demented sandbox called life inflicts on us.


I'd like to invite you both to the Depression forum--check out the front desk and you'll get an idea of who we all are. These are my family of choice, we care about each other, and we share grief, good things, and it is the least judgemental group of women I've ever had the joy to know. It's sure cheaper than therapy. There are people dealing with losses ther as well--and so much depression is clinical depression, which literally alters your brain chemistry. I got Grandma to agree to try them when she was 99. It had been mentioned to her by many people, but she thought it was bein weak to get help. I told her that pain and stress affect the body. No one tells my sister to cheer up when she needs an insulin shot; she has to get her sugar managed. Grandma was still in her home when she turned 100.


I'm sorry for your losses and the pain you are going through. Try to let go of being crushed by the past--and I've lived there until off and on until I found out Mother doesn't blame me. That was huge for me. No matter what happened in the past, you deserve to feel better; you deserve to have friends and a place to vent--which is why I'd like you both to at least check it out. My prayers are with you both.




Karbie:
you and I have both suffered alot of loss in our lives.
The first person who passed in my life was my mom's Father who I loved dearly.
I was about six.then I lost my dad's mom.
When I was seven mom lost her oldest brother after open heart surgery.
He left behind a wife and 4 sons,the youngest only 5 and who I considered my my brother
as we were born two years apart on the same day.

But the hardest losses were that of my unborn son & his Grandmother.
I was only 18 when I aborted my son an 19 when I lost my mother.
The same age you were when you lost your dad.
I aborted Jason Alan Baylen on March 27,1973 and on September 29,1974 I lost Mother.
My heart still aches for both of them, and I still cry.

I also lost 11 Uncles & 6 Aunts & my husband's 2 grandmothers & his grandfather.
We also lost our beloved 21 year old Persian Angora Cat who was like a child to us

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3 years ago  ::  Feb 13, 2014 - 9:26AM #7
tommydoedoe
Posts: 3

I am very sorry to have read about all of the pain in this forum.  I too have never gotten over my Dads suicide.  He was 79 and just tired of taking care of my blind mother.  He and I took care of her together for 9 years and then Dad hung himself!  I am in just as much shock now as I was when it happened in July of 2007.  Why can't I shake this horrible sadness?  I feel like I have become closer to God in the past few years, but before that I was really mad at God.  Dad was my best friend and a huge support to me emotionally and financially.  I literally became homeless 6 months after his suicide.  My life has been very unstable since 2007.  I miss him so much still.  I always went to Dad for advice, he was a very wise man.  


If anyone has any suggestions of how I can better deal with his suicide and missing him so much I would be very open to any advice.  Sad & lonely, JoAnn

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3 years ago  ::  Feb 16, 2014 - 2:31AM #8
karbie
Posts: 3,329
I'd like you to come to the Depression forum--Our main check-in is The Front Desk, and there are a lot of compassionate people there.  You know that your father is with God, right? I understand about you still missing  him, too. The older I get, the more people I miss. I can tell you from personal experience that love survives death--when my Grandpa died,  I was suddenly wrapped around with a feeling of love that was absolutely Grandpa. I got the call telling me he was gone about 15 minutes later. Up until then I had been afraid of death; he took that fear away and it was a pretty big final gift.
   I would imagine carring for your other together all those years brought you extremely close and having that suddenly be gone would throw anyone for a loop.  I'm sorry that you were homeless--and I'm proud of you for still being alive yourself since sometimes that is difficult as well when the grief, loneliness and just plan missing someone hits hard.  Whenever you think of him with love, he knows it, and he still comes around you.
   A good friend died suddenly, and she was friends with my sister in law as well. She had some very vivid dreams where she could see her, hug her, feel her--and she told her the same thing each time "I'm just dead. I'm not gone."  I did e-mail her husband , and my computer told me I'd snt the message to her, using her middle name as well that I hadn't known until she passed and didn't have in my computer, anniversary cards dropping in front of me just in time for the occasion, that sort of thing.
  I was lucky with the Grandma I was closest to--she was over 100 when she died and had still been in her home when she turned 100.  She was in assisted living and had been in hospice for just 2 days. She had a dream a few days before she died--she was at a huge party, surrounded by all the people who she had been missing. After awhile, she realized the room was too huge and the colors too magnifient to be anywhere but Heaven. Waking up back in her worn out body didn't thrill.her.  The nurses told us they knew when a patient had that dream they would be gone in a few days. What the dream showed me was how few the ties were that were keeping her with us compared to all the people she had lost. Mother, my sister and I were al with her. It had been "Just us girls" from as long as I can remember and that's how it ended. Mother had been her mainstay the last 20 years of her life and it was hard to shift from caretaker mode when she died.  When I'd first gone to see Grandma, the first thing she said was "I can go now since you are here to take care of your Mother".
   I guess what I can tell you is that you still have a place to send your love and he will know about it. Please come and join us on the Depression forum--our reasons and types of depression may vary, but we are a family and I can promise you will be welcomed there.
"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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3 years ago  ::  Feb 16, 2014 - 3:03PM #9
tommydoedoe
Posts: 3

Karbie, Thank-you so much for your info. about the depression forum and your encouraging words.  I do think my Dad is in heaven because he had a strong faith and he was a really good man.  Part of me does have to wonder though from time to time.  Some day's are easier than others, of course, but I do dream about him and he seems content to me in my dreams.  I talk to him every single day and then try to be quiet and still to feel his response.  I guess it's OK to miss him and I do understand why he took his own life.  I still need to work on accepting it though!  But with people like you and your kind words it makes it a little easier to cope with.  Thanx once again Karbie, JoAnn Myrvold.

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3 years ago  ::  Feb 16, 2014 - 11:17PM #10
karbie
Posts: 3,329
Dreams are a good meeting place. Just had a dream with Grandma in it--much younger than she'd been, of course and for once I got to hug her and be at their house. I  guess it was a birthday present of sorts. Neither of my grandfathers show up often-and this felt like a kind of "return" dream. My Grandpa was very athletic but had trouble even walking the last few years. He basically said Hi, Honey, the phone rang--and it was an old golf buddy and he was off.You can get homesick for people even more than places since it is the people you love there we miss the most. My first cousins lost both parents in under a year--I felt it when my uncle died because he went shooting off to be with her again. He was diagnosed with cancer and dead 4 days later. I has stopped myself from sending a letter all about the day he brought her home to meet the family, etc. when I realized it might help me but would hurt him. I had Mother pass that along and the next times I talked to her he had still been thanking me for considering his feelings first--along with the comment he wished that other people had done that.
   I'll be checking back here if you need to talk--and I've already asked the others on the Depression thread to look for you and welcome you if you come. Our faiths differ in some ways but we all believe it helps to have support. It's also nice that it doesn't mean getting up, dressed and out in bad weather, either. It isn't all what my son used to call "touchy-feely" stuff all the time. I understand about having trouble accepting it--it took me until last year to finally realize the only one who blamed me for my father's death was me. He was told in December to get to a hospital that day because he was about to have his 3rd heart attack and he came  out and told us all that the doctor told him his heart was less congested and he was improving. My mother and sister blamed him because he was the one who made the decision to lie to us all.  I was 18 and it never crossed my mind he would do that. Congestive heart failure does affect the brain to some extent, and maybe that was part of it. When Grandma had decided to just let it happen, she ended up going in barely a size 6 to a size 18. When her heart doctor came to see her after I'd gotten to town, the thing she wanted to talk about was how nice it was to have boobs again. Someday I'll know the answers and until then I'll just muddle through. I think the thing to remember is how strong he had to have ben to have taken care of your mother all those years with your help. It takes a special kind of love to do that. Our bodies don't do stress well--and when I think of the buildup from worry over her health, yours, finances, his own strength, pain and just sheer exhaustion it's understandable what happened. But what I see is not how he ended his life but the love and devotion he showed you all your life. That's who he was and is, and I respect him for it. i guess the trouble is the more we love them the harder it is to deal with. I'm glad he comes to you in dreams, and that you talk to him because it gives him bragging rights in Heaven that his daughter thinks about him with so much love.
"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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