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Switch to Forum Live View Advice on what to do if you married the wrong person
2 years ago  ::  Oct 22, 2012 - 2:17AM #1
acs33vb
Posts: 1
I'm 28 and married for almost three years with a beautiful 1 year old daughter. My wife is very loving and a great woman and mother. I've been blessed in every way and I know it. The problem is I now know that I rushed into this marriage without giving myself enough time to get over my only other serious girlfriend. We meet in high school and dated for about nine years. I loved her and she loved me, and it eventually ended because we had many fights and breakups but we would always get back together. Pretty much as soon as I got married I realized I made a mistake, that I still loved my ex and missed her very much. We have written each other a couple times in the past few years and she feels the same way, and would take me back if I really wanted. I feel horrible and guilty for not appreciating my wife but I feel like I am cheating on her regardless because I think about the ex all the time, and even dream about her 2-3 times a week. I have prayed to get over her and to be happy with what I have but it hasn't helped. I dont want to be feeling the same way ten years into a marriage when I'm not happy and my wife would be happier with someone who truly loves her and values her. My wife knows about this other woman and the hold she has on me, but I've tried to convince her that I dont want her back (which is awful because its a lie). If anyone has been through a similar circumstance or has any advice, I'd really appreciate it.
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2 years ago  ::  Oct 22, 2012 - 9:03AM #2
Hatman
Posts: 9,634

Oct 22, 2012 -- 2:17AM, acs33vb wrote:

I'm 28 and married for almost three years with a beautiful 1 year old daughter. My wife is very loving and a great woman and mother. I've been blessed in every way and I know it. The problem is I now know that I rushed into this marriage without giving myself enough time to get over my only other serious girlfriend. We meet in high school and dated for about nine years. I loved her and she loved me, and it eventually ended because we had many fights and breakups but we would always get back together. Pretty much as soon as I got married I realized I made a mistake, that I still loved my ex and missed her very much. We have written each other a couple times in the past few years and she feels the same way, and would take me back if I really wanted. I feel horrible and guilty for not appreciating my wife but I feel like I am cheating on her regardless because I think about the ex all the time, and even dream about her 2-3 times a week. I have prayed to get over her and to be happy with what I have but it hasn't helped. I dont want to be feeling the same way ten years into a marriage when I'm not happy and my wife would be happier with someone who truly loves her and values her. My wife knows about this other woman and the hold she has on me, but I've tried to convince her that I dont want her back (which is awful because its a lie). If anyone has been through a similar circumstance or has any advice, I'd really appreciate it.


The mark of a mature man---a man worthy of the name "man"---is that he accepts responsibility for his choices, and lives with them.

If you decide to divorce because you think you "really love" another woman, you'll hurt your current wife AND your child---and trust me, the idealized vision you have of your ex is just that---a fantasy.  Remember the following sentence always:  "Ex's are ex's for a REASON."

Look for reasons to love your wife, and love both her and your child.  Stop writing the ex.  Stop all contact with her, all yearning for her, all wanting of the ex.  Close the book, put it in the trashcan.  Do you really think your wife doesn't feel how you feel?  Doesn't resent being second-choice?

But if you truly feel that you can never be happy in this, your committed relationship, then man up and divorce.  Better to be honest than to continue to live a life filled with lying and resentment.  After all, if you TRULY felt that your marriage was a mistake right after you married, you could have divorced IMMEDIATELY---but you didn't, did you.  You kept on being intimate with her until your intimacy produced a child...and the responsibility you cannot run from, even if you do divorce.  So contact a divorce attorney, and figure out how you're going to live while paying that child support every month, what the typical award is.  Figure out how you and the girl who'll take you back are going to get along while she sees you write out that check to the mother of your child every month, when you go for visitations with your child, etc.

Warmest regards-

Hatman

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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2 years ago  ::  Oct 22, 2012 - 12:37PM #3
REteach
Posts: 14,450

Oct 22, 2012 -- 9:03AM, Hatman wrote:

If you decide to divorce because you think you "really love" another woman, you'll hurt your current wife AND your child---and trust me, the idealized vision you have of your ex is just that---a fantasy. Remember the following sentence always: "Ex's are ex's for a REASON."



I agree. I think you are in love with the idea of loving your ex--but clearly you didn't because you fought all the time. 


I'd suggest counseling. You are seriously thinking about ruining several lives, including your own, chasing a pipedream. 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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2 years ago  ::  Oct 25, 2012 - 1:51AM #4
Ksushil970
Posts: 31

Oct 22, 2012 -- 2:17AM, acs33vb wrote:

I'm 28 and married for almost three years with a beautiful 1 year old daughter. My wife is very loving and a great woman and mother. I've been blessed in every way and I know it. The problem is I now know that I rushed into this marriage without giving myself enough time to get over my only other serious girlfriend. We meet in high school and dated for about nine years. I loved her and she loved me, and it eventually ended because we had many fights and breakups but we would always get back together. Pretty much as soon as I got married I realized I made a mistake, that I still loved my ex and missed her very much. We have written each other a couple times in the past few years and she feels the same way, and would take me back if I really wanted. I feel horrible and guilty for not appreciating my wife but I feel like I am cheating on her regardless because I think about the ex all the time, and even dream about her 2-3 times a week. I have prayed to get over her and to be happy with what I have but it hasn't helped. I dont want to be feeling the same way ten years into a marriage when I'm not happy and my wife would be happier with someone who truly loves her and values her. My wife knows about this other woman and the hold she has on me, but I've tried to convince her that I dont want her back (which is awful because its a lie). If anyone has been through a similar circumstance or has any advice, I'd really appreciate it.



I went through the post and feel that if you try consulting a good astrologer as now there you have a beautiful daughter too. So try picking all the points and then think over it.


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Love problem solution


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