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Switch to Forum Live View Can someone give me a clue?
6 years ago  ::  Oct 20, 2012 - 10:50PM #1
Posts: 19

I have been dating this man for about 5 months. I actually have knew him from 25 years ago. We had a brief relationship during his "hiatus" from his girlfriend/high school sweetheart. He spent the last 20 years married to her. They divorced earlier in the year. She is the one that wanted the divorce. Turns out she just fell out of love with him. He was devestated and tried everything under the sun to get her to change her mind. They have two children. So now we are together again but it's obvious to me that he is still hurting. He tells me he loves being with me and I feel the same about him. I can't get over this jealousy I feel over his ex. Although he says things would never be the same with them I can hear it in his voice that he still loves her. Let me get a jab at her in...she is his opposite, outspoken, mean to him, and in my opinion, annoying. He is introverted like me. Anyway, that is one thing that bothers me. The other is I just found out he had a vasectomy eight years ago and I found out five months into the relationship. I cried because I envisioned possibly having a child with this man if things got serious. I'm upset he didn't tell me from the beginning. I feel this has maybe put a strain on the relationship. Between being jealous of the ex and now knowing he can't have anymore children, I don't know how to handle the relationship. I don't want to come across insecure and don't know if I should apologize if I came across that way.

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6 years ago  ::  Oct 22, 2012 - 8:55AM #2
Posts: 9,954
Everyone you meet will have a past, and past loves.  The past can't be changed.  You can either accept that it is what it is and deal with it(it's reality), or break up and don't.

If you really want to help your bf, you could get him in to counseling, to assist him in finding out why he still loves someone who treats him like crap...but only if HE wants to do that.

The reality is that the other woman is the mother of his children, and he'll be tied to her through them for the rest of his life...and if she truly is as vindictive as you portray her, may well try to bed him again just to hurt you once she finds out about you.

And even though more expensive than the initial vasectomy, it IS possible to reverse one(in many-if-not-most instances).

You can't really choose to get over your feelings; feel them, don't deny them.  You DO have a choice about what ACTIONS you take(or DON'T take) in REACTION to those feelings.  Choose the mature path, the one that will bring about the most positive result, not the one that may land you in jail or in hatred.

Warmest regards-

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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6 years ago  ::  Oct 22, 2012 - 12:32PM #3
Posts: 16,577

If his wife just died, he would not be over her. There is no reason he should be over her because her love died. 

I think you are running a huge risk of being a rebound friend.  You may want to back off and let him heal. 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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6 years ago  ::  Oct 28, 2012 - 2:03PM #4
Posts: 2

He is still grieving for something he lost even though the relationship ended and it was what they both wanted. Love is deep. You need to be patient with him it will take time, try to be upbeat and do enjoyable things together so he starts to engage in life again.

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