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Switch to Forum Live View Fighting all the time, long distance, insecurity, can't live without eachother..
2 years ago  ::  Sep 07, 2012 - 4:51PM #1
skgarcia
Posts: 1
A little background information:  We are both in our early 20's, and live at home with our parents.  However, it is a long distance relationship--I live in Tennessee, and he in Illinois.  I graduate with my degree this December, and had plans to move there to start my career/our life together after leaving our parent's.  We met on World of Warcraft about 2 years ago, while I was dating someone else.  For about a year we played together everyday, and had so much fun talking to eachother/being geeks.  One day around mid-December 2011, I realized I missed him when I was away from the game, and wondered if he ever thought about me too.  One thing led to another, and I came to see him to meet for the first time January 2012 (this year).

I have never loved someone this hard before.  When I think about how much I love him, I could melt and/or explode.  I'm not inexperienced either, I've had three other LONG term (1+ year) relationships (in person, not long distance) and none of them were even in the same galaxy as this.  He has made me re-think if I ever even loved my past boyfriends, or knew what love was.  We saw eachother for about 2 weeks (I am a full time student, so my schedule was flexible; I'd come see him for long periods of time because he had work, I did not) at a time every 3 weeks to a month, max.  Honestly, we saw eachother a LOT for a long distance relationship.  In the beginning, the weeks would fly by and not a single fighting word would come out of our mouths.  Not one, we never fought--ever.  We were in complete and total bliss.  I really wish I could reinforce this: we were in total bliss, absolutely enamored with eachother.  Not to mention, our sex is scorching hot--the best I've ever had and I've been with around ten people.  Once again, he blows them out of the water.  We have sex about twice a day, sometimes even more when I'm in town.  We keep it up even during the longer trips (sometimes over a month long) with no sign of slowing down--I doubt the sex would slow down even if I lived there.

Trust issues began to pop up.  One afternoon after sex, I touched him and laughed at how small he was since he wasn't rearing to go anymore.  He took this in the TOTALLY wrong way, I was just commenting on how different it looks when it's soft.  It was a dumb thing for me to say, but ever since we fight all the time about how I think he is small.  I do not think his manhood is lacking at all, but we have fought for months over this and I ABSOLUTELY cannot get him to believe I think otherwise.  About four months ago, I was raped--I went over to a male friend's house thinking there was a party/social event going on, and once I arrived no one was there.  The guy raped me, but I didn't file a police report, I did go to the hospital, no STD's, and no pregnancy.  I decided not to tell him about this because I knew he would be enraged I was over there in the first place.  About 2 weeks ago, I was at his house asleep, and he listened to some of my deleted voicemails.  He listened to a voicemail from a friend telling me he's so sorry about what happened, and what I should do, etc. and obviously wanted to know what in the hell the voicemail was about.  He reacted the way I thought he would, and told me I put myself in that situation and "of course the guy 'raped' you, you came over on a Saturday night, he thought he was getting laid."  He flips back and forth between claiming I wasn't raped at all and it was consentual, I cheated on him, and I deserved to be raped/it was my fault because I went over there.  Either way, the rape combined with the comment I made about his manhood have utterly destroyed our relationship.

The sweet man I once knew now calls me a whore, disgusting, tells me he hates me, hopes I die, etc. -- one day he will tell me these things, then the next he says everything will be okay and he loves me and wants to be with me.  I don't know if all this is going on because he doesn't know how to handle the emotions finding out about the rape bring, or what, but it is terrible.  We fight all day long, then make up for about 12-24 hours, then he thinks about the rape and gets enraged all over again and we break up.  He recently told me he needed a break and has actually stuck to it--we haven't gotten back together in three days.  I am the most suicidal/miserable I've ever been.

My family members and friends dislike him because they don't understand the back and forth quality of the relationship, but I don't think they understand what the rape has done to our relationship.  Rape is a serious, life changing issue and it has DEFINITELY thrown our cloud-9 relationship into the roughest seas I've ever known.  I feel like I'm going to die without him, and all of my hopes and dreams (graduate school, working, obtaining my degree) seem obsolete when he isn't a part of the picture.

How do I fix this?  Do I give him the space he wants and stop texting him pathetic things and groveling?  But I almost want him so bad I'm willing to eat shit and grovel all over the floor for him--I literally cannot imagine my life without him.  I am an adult and have felt heartbreak before, and this blows everything I've ever thought "pain" felt like out of the universe.  I feel as if had I never made that comment about his penis, and never gone to that friend's house that night, or sometimes never even been friends with the friend who left the voicemail on my phone (I think about what I did wrong that much), none of this would be happening.  Our relationship was PERFECT.  We were MADLY in love, had the most amazing sex I've ever had, were so kind to eachother, living in a total dream with goals and desires for eachother, and now everything has fallen apart and turned into a nightmare.  What do I do?
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2 years ago  ::  Sep 07, 2012 - 6:10PM #2
Hatman
Posts: 9,634

First, take a break and be kind to yourself; you're young, and have much to learn about relationships(and apparently, sensitivity).


Second, let him go and do NOT chase him to any degree whatsoever; his responses to the fact of your rape show a level of immaturity that is incompatible with a LTR...unless, of course, you are a masochist to some degree.


Third, sex---even great sex---is not what love is all about.  Sounds like you became addicted to him, almost, hence the drama around missing him and wanting to grovel/beg etc. to get him back in your life.  Rest assured that the butterfly feelings and bliss is never unending; these things help to begin a relationship, but can never be the whole of it, and a more mature love grows to include more---much, much more.


i'd strongly suggest 2 books to read during your break:  Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, and Boundaries(by Cloud and Townsend, iirc).


If he IS for you, he'll be back; if he still seesaws back and forth between loving you one second and hating/accusing you the next, he certainly needs to go to counseling---as do you.  Right now, i'd suggest separate counseling, and later---if/when progress has been made---joint counseling.


Lastly, i'm sorry for your pain; ime, nothing worthwhile comes without there being some pain involved, whether physical, mental, emotional, financial, spiritual, all of the foregoing or more besides.  One simply must go through it and endure...and let the lesson(s) sink in, aka "learn."  If there were mistakes, learn from them and don't repeat them(when possible).   Some lessons must be repeated for the particularly hardheaded, though...the pain can help one to learn not to repeat the previous mistake, and the tougher the pain is to handle, usually the deeper the lesson(s) sinks in, e.g. getting 3 DWI's and serving a couple of years in jail.


Warmest regards-


Hatman

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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2 years ago  ::  Sep 07, 2012 - 8:07PM #3
REteach
Posts: 14,881

When people first fall in love the chemistry is literally different.  There are different neurotransmitters in your brain when you first fall in love.  So in a very real sense, it does not matter how wonderful the relationship was at the beginning. That was biology.


What you have now is an abusive relationship.  You are not going to fix it.  The quality of the sex does not justify the poison in the relationship.


This is the time to sadly say goodbye, permanently, and use graduation as an opportunity to look for someone who is not abusive.


And, if you have not had counseling for the rape, get some.  It is going to be very important for you. 



Good luck. 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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2 years ago  ::  Sep 07, 2012 - 8:11PM #4
REteach
Posts: 14,881

BTW, you will not die.  My husband ran off and left me with a 2 year old and a 4 month old. I felt like I wanted to die, but I also learned that even though I didn't want to live without him, I could. That made me strong enough that when he wanted to come back, I could start over with him without either being a doormat or a bitch.  


Let him go.  If he decides he made a serious mistake, let him demonstrate that he has learned from it first. However, I think the warning signs are written in neon on the wall and your friends and family are trying to tell you something very important. 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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