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Switch to Forum Live View Trust issues? and how to deal/heal - please help
3 years ago  ::  Jul 26, 2012 - 1:58PM #1
Posts: 16,539

I would suggest you find a therapist.

I see two possibilities here and we can't diagnose it on the internet.

One is that he really is not trustworthy and at some level you understand he is using you.

The other is that he is trustworthy but you cannot trust. That is a different issue entirely.

Clearly, if he is using you and stringing you along--living his dream, not yours, for example, you need to cut the ties.

If he is simply frustrated that you cannot understand that he can interact with women as friends, then the problem is yours.

FWIW, I can be walking down the street with my husband and he'll see a beautiful women and tell me that he would really like to have sex with her.  I just laugh, because he is simply reacting to her looks, and I know it is me he loves. 


Be honest with yourself, and good luck.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Jul 26, 2012 - 7:30PM #2
Posts: 16,539

Since you are too far apart for couples counseling, I think you need to work on yourself. Ultimately, we cannot change other people.  The only people we can change is ourselves. 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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3 years ago  ::  Jul 28, 2012 - 7:11PM #3
Posts: 9,954
You two are both pretty young, so take it easy on yourself.  There's much to learn, especially about love and relationship.

One book i think you might read is called "Boundaries," by Cloud and Townsend, iirc.  Your bf also sounds a bit immature, in that although he KNOWS you are upset by his intimate emotional interactions with other women, he keeps on doing it anyway.

So one place to start might be with what YOUR definition of "love" is.  Maybe write it down, what it means to you, what examples of it you've seen(especially in your parents), what's wrong with it, what's right with it, and so on.  Suggest that he do similarly, then compare notes.

IME, what usually causes relationships to fail is unspoken expectations---that is, for example, if what YOU mean by "boyfriend" and what HE means by "boyfriend" are miles apart, because he's never told you what that word means to him, and neither have you told him what it means to you, then you have "unspoken expectations" that lead to disappointments, arguments, fights or worse.  The same could be said for the word "cheating."  To me(and i assume most men), actual cheating is defined as having a sexual relationship involving physical sexual intercourse, but i've learned over the years that women (generally) feel that if a man is sharing emotional intimacies, he's ALSO cheating---and he may not understand that you feel that way, or why you do.

So in sum, then, if you wish to pursue this relationship to perhaps a marriage, it's probably important to get on the same page as far as definitions and expectations go, e.g. father, husband, uncle, son, grandfather, nephew, and etc., for most men are---at some point in their lives---all of these things, just as you are (or will be) the corresponding female words.  Something similar might apply for other words, too, like marriage, children, sex, power, money and etc., for if you're a saver and he's a spender(or vice-versa), there could be a problem; if you like sex 2-3 times a day, every day, and he only likes it once a week, there's gonna be trouble; if you would prefer to bear him male children and he wants daughters, or if he wants to bring him up in religion A while you want religion B, again, there will be trouble.  Learn how he fights, and why, what he thinks is important.  Ask him who his role-models might be, and who he admires and why, as well as who he hates and why(while being prepared to answer similar questions).  Observe how he treats his mother or wait staff in restaurants(or any others that some in society consider as "less-than), for if he treats them poorly, i can guarantee that he'll soon turn that attitude on you.

But i don't think that sharing your definitions on the internet will help with your relationship or your intimate connections; keep 'em private, between the two of you. 

And just a hint?  If you're willing to let a man go, they'll generally come back to you.  Try to keep him(by fair means or foul), and you'll drive him away, ime...or make him quite resent how you manipulated or trapped him.

Not that you're doing that or even THINKing about doing that...just a heads-up.  Remember not to pin your hopes and dreams on any man, either---especially building fantasy-land castles in the clouds(though it's fun to explore those for a time, especially if he's willing to play along, reality always triumphs).

If you keep a journal or diary(and apparently, you do), then you may be most comfortable with writing down your thoughts and sharing at least some of them; he may not be as willing to do so with you, though.  But again, generally speaking, many men will live up to the expectations the woman has of them; low or no expectations are not a good thing, because if you'll settle for practically nothing, that's pretty-much what you'll get...

Just some random thoughts; take what you need, leave the rest.

Warmest regards-

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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