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6 years ago  ::  Nov 15, 2011 - 11:42PM #1
ocexpress
Posts: 1
Last year my huband of over 30 years decided to end his life. I have been struggling to find answers. Struggling to find my way in this world alone. We had no children. Funny, somehow I never thought I would be alone. Not in my wildest dreams would I have thought my life would take this turn. We shared hopes and dreams or maybe I should say I thought we shared hopes and dreams.
This has thrown me into the pit of depression. I am able to function and get out of bed and go to work but that is it.
Feeling like a total waste of a lifetime. All promises broken, all trust gone.

Suicide makes you question everything. Love, honesty, reality, life and even beg for death.

Not sure what I did to justify him doing this but sure wish I could start over again.

Just getting that off of my chest ..thanks.
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6 years ago  ::  Nov 18, 2011 - 7:07AM #2
karbie
Posts: 3,329

When someone is really determined to commit suicide, they can act as if nothing is wrong. In fact, depressed people can actually seem to be better, more upbeat because they've finally made their minds up about what to do. Men have a higher "success" rate because they tend to use methods that can't be reversed--not pills or anything where there's a chance to have people revive them.


I'm, so very, very sorry for the living Hell that you are going through and especially that you were the one to find him. Years ago that was what kept me from suicide when my world had come crashing down--that the person to find me would have been my mother and what it would do to her and after that what destroying her would do to the extended family.


With the economy and the world in the shape it is, I can understand someone just giving up. If he was hiding a depression from you, his suicide was due to mental illness and god doesn't hold that against us.


I'm very proud of you for just getting through this past year without giving up yourself. I know that it has had to take just about every drop of strength you have just to get through each day and I hope that your co-workers have been supportive of you.


One thing about beliefnet that I've seen happen over and over is that people tend to find their way here when they need it the most. I'd like for you to check out the Depression forum, where you will meet some very supportive, non-judgmental and caring people. We all have a range of depression for a range of reasons--including the deaths of spouses, and in  at least one case  a woman whose son committed suicide. They have become my therapy group and my electronic family.


I'm 56; part of my depression is due to having been in physical pain for 27 years. I just passed the anniversary date of the injuries that set where I am now into motion and also caused me to miscarry my first pregnancy. I tried to cope with it by holding things in, but as my pain increased it got harder. I was very blessed to have a son several years later--he's 24 and married for almost 2 years now. When I miscarried, no one was sure if I'd even be able to get pregnant, much less carry to term.  so after over a year of trying, I got pregnant as soon as I gave up and took tests to try and work for the state government.


We have at least one other person there who never had children either. Check out the Front Desk thread and you can get an idea of the people there. New people are always welcome, and we do our best to help each other...and we try to help and pray for each other.


It has been a blessing in my life--and you won't be alone any more--we will all be there for you and listen. Again, I'm so sorry for all that you've been through. I hope to see you on the Depression support threads.

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 10, 2011 - 9:10AM #3
janis1127
Posts: 2

Three months ago on September 15, 2011 my whole world come crashing down when my husband of 37 years decided that this was the day to committ suicide. I did not even see anything wrong. Our world seemed perfect. In an instant I was thrust into a big black hole that I can't seem to climb out of. We have three sons and 9 grandchildren that all live on our land. He killed himself and didn't even think of us. The days are so long and the nights are longer and the lonelines is overwhelming. I never thought my life would turn out like this, I thought we would grow old together.

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6 years ago  ::  Dec 11, 2011 - 12:01AM #4
karbie
Posts: 3,329

Dear Janis,


I'm so sorry for the pain and anquish you are suffering from right now.They say that men are more likely to succeed at suicide because they don't share how much pain they are in and tend to use methods that are harder to reverse. No, he didn't thin of you, your children grandchildren or what his death would do to you.


You can't help someone who doesn't ask for it. You can't pick up signals from someone who doesn't show any. As you said, this was his decision--and he left you holding the bag on everything. He may have been suffering from severe clinical depression, which causes a chemical imbalance in the brain chemistry. In that case he wasn't thinking clearly; if it was any sort of mental illness it would have been cured the moment of his death and he would still have gone home to God.


My own mother was angry at my father for years after he died. He'd been told a massive heart attack could happen and to go straight to the hospital. Instead he lied to all of us and had that 3rd heart attack. After that it was all borrowed time. He was only 47.


I'd suggest trying to find some survivor groups in your area. If that isn't something you can handle, go to the Depression support group here. We have people who have lost their partners as well as many other causes of depression. Check out the Front Desk thread to see a view of who we are and how we try to be there for each other. They are my support group and electronic family for me, and you will be very welcome there. I now that with the holidays it just makes the whole think more painful.  There are many religious groups here as well if that's where you will be more comfortable.


 I'll be checking back here for you as well. You aren't alone--if you need to talk, I'll listen. I suggested the Depression Forum because the people there are some of the most supportive, non-judgmental people I've ever met, and you can share as much or little as you wish. There's even a place called "THe Padded Cell" for ranting and raving that won't be discussed unless you want it to be.


I'm sure that the kids and grandkids are all coming to you for comfort. this is a group of people who will be there to comfort and support you.In the meantime, just take it in as many chunks of time as you can handle. I'll be praying for you.

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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6 years ago  ::  Dec 11, 2011 - 9:53AM #5
janis1127
Posts: 2

Dear Karbie,


     I am sorry for the loss of your Dad, 47 is way to young to leave. MY dad died in 2008 but he was 90. I don't understand how people who have survived heart attacks won't appreciate their lives more. Charles also survived 2 heart attacks, one on 1995 and 2003.


     Thank you for the advice you give me and I will check out these places. I am glad we are friends. Most of the time if people know Charles committed suicide they avoid me. I know that probably they are at a loss for words but to me it feels like they are judging me for what he did. I hope to talk to you again and my prayers are with you and your family. Thank goodness we have a God that listens.

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6 years ago  ::  Dec 12, 2011 - 1:48AM #6
karbie
Posts: 3,329

Dear Janis-


Thanks for your sympathy. My father died back in 1975, so he never got to know any of his grandchildren. The last time I talked to him he had called to tell me that I was going to be an Aunt. He was gone 4 days later.


If it makes you feel any better, there are a lot of people who don't know how to talk to a widow regardless of how it happened. They don't know quite what to say--or are still stuck on some juvenile ideal about having all gatherings being boy/girl/boy/girl. The ones that you need to hear are being asked how you are, if there's any help they can give you, and just their condolences for the loss you've suffered.


In the meantime, I'll be here for you--I think that sometimes just knowing that someone out there actually heard you can change a lot of things. The only problem with the internet is that hugs don't travel well--but consider yourself hugged, with a shoulder attached.

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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5 years ago  ::  Sep 03, 2012 - 12:44PM #7
MarleneEmmett5
Posts: 1,799

Hello guys:

Know that I've been among the missing lately but I've been really busy.
We moved from Whitestone,NY to West Palm Beach, Flordia.
We've been here since June 1st and are still getting settled.

Had some really bad news yesterday from my baby sister Randi who lives in California.
On Friday, we had talked via Facebook and she told me her dad was in the hospital.
Well, yesterday he passed away from complications from complete kidney failure.

Oh how I wish that I could be in California with her at this time?
It's killing me that I can't be there to hold her close and tell her all will be alright?
We're hoping to go to California in December for New Year's??

She lost her mom afew years ago and I lost my mother at the age of 19 on 9-29-1974
and my dad at the age of 32 in 1986.
And many aunts/uncles over the years~ it gets easier but you never totally get over it.

I'm still not over my mother's passing and I'm not over and never will be over the death
of my son Jason Alan Baylen from a unwanted abortion.

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5 years ago  ::  Nov 02, 2012 - 6:11PM #8
MarleneEmmett5
Posts: 1,799

Ladies:
I am in need of an opinion~does losing a child thru an abortion measure up to losing a child
due to a horrible illness~a friend's sister lost her 19 year old son to heart problems.
I had prayed that God would have spared Tyler's life but it was not to be.
I cried for her loss,which I felt was so wrong it shouldn't have happened to her & her Family.

Tyler was a strong kid,tall good looking and a football player.

Tyler's mom was told by someone that she should get over his passing.
When I read this in something she posted I got really annoyed and I told her that she
had every right to grieve and that the person who told her she shouldn't was wrong.
That's when I mentioned my abortion and how I'm still greiving~ this is when some people
took offense with my comments~ I apologized in a PM to her sister who I love dearly.

What happened was a bad choice of words/thoughts.

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5 years ago  ::  Mar 16, 2013 - 9:58AM #9
lapatosu
Posts: 3,065

My own thoughts, take what you need, leave the rest.  On the abortion question. It depends if you had named the child to be.  At that point, it is a death.  The same goes for a miscarriage.  If the child has been called by name in the mother's mind - it is the death of a child.


The critical moment is when the mother claims the life as a child and not the possibility of a child.

Lynne
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4 years ago  ::  May 14, 2013 - 4:25PM #10
MarleneEmmett5
Posts: 1,799

Lapatsou:
I chose to name my son, after the abortion happened.
And it is helping me to deal with his passing.

I know that I aborted him, but I never had a real say in what happened.
My father took that away from me~ he just ordered me to do it.
He didn't even care and he never ever mentioned it after it happened.

My son, Jason Alan Baylen would be turning 40 sometime this Fall.
I finally told his father about him in 2010, when I called to wish
him happy birthday, and we got into a conversation about
"not forgetting things"~ I told him "I'll never forget your
birthday or the day I aborted our son"

After that happened, I chose to name him.
I used to cry two times of the year.
First time was in March, on the 27th.

The second time was from August 15 to September 15th.
I figured out that he would have been born between
that time in 1973. March 27th was the day I ended his life.

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