First off please only comment with something that will be positive and helpful to me I dont need any negativity because I am already going through so much. I have been with my husband consistently for almost 4 years now and we have been married for almost two years. But the total time we have been together has been almost 8 years, the relationship started when I was 18. He decided he didnt want to be with me any more when I was about 20 years old and by this time we had an infant son together. He married the mother of his first child and I moved to a different state, my heart was broken I was young and dumb and in love. But we ended up having a good relationship, we were still in love with each other but I refused to be the mistress so I had to try to push all my feelings away from him. He and his wife got a divorce shortly after they were married. He wanted to immediately get back with me but I refused. But he eventually won me over and we got back to together 2008, I told him I would not move back to the state we previously lived in because I was happy living in the current state I was in so he moved to me. For almost 4 years now we have been happy we were married 2010 we had another baby he was completely changed he had grown so much from the man I knew back in 2004 and I had grown as well I trusted him completly, I didnt want to be one of those women who had to suspect thier men of lying and cheating because that takes time away enjoying your spouse and your kids, trusting someone is so much easier than suspecting thier every action. One morning I got this horrible feeling in my stomach that he had cheated on me he is a nurse and works 12 hours over night at the hospital. I had asked him before if he had cheated because I come from a family of cheating men I told myself I would never be disrepected by a man that way. He eventually confessed and the news was so shocking because the cheating happened almost two years ago while he was in nursing school it was with a girl in his nursing program. I had met this woman, I even liked her, I even told him to invite her to our wedding, she gave my kids a dog. I was furious. I didn't eat or sleep for awhile. I have been on a roller coaster of emotions ever since I found this all out which was two months ago. He told me she said she wanted to perform oral sex on him and that led to sex and it happened on three seperate occasions. My heart was completly broken. I cry so much these days I feel sick to my stomach when I think abt what they did. She knew he was a married man with kids and she still pursued him and he made a commitment to me and he broke that. My mind is running crazy with thoughts I am questioning everything he has ever told me. I am thinking of seeing a counselor on my on. We saw a marriage counselor and she said this was considered a one night stand because he had no emotionally attachment to her. The counselor said that although it may be hard for me to hear this would be the easiest affair to get over because it was a one night stand (that happened three times!!!) I am so hurt I cannot believe another woman would be so disgusting, dont women have morals any more, but what is worse is my husband was so weak and made such a stupid choice. I cry every day. I try to keep the images of them together out of my head but sometimes I cannot. I do not sleep anymore. I stay up thinking how could this man who claims to love me hurt me so so so so so badly? He has apoligized and said he wants to work our marriage out and that he has never cheated other than with her and it was almost two years ago. The killer is we were in such a good place in our marriage when this happened we communcated pretty good, we were so in love and so happy and now I do not know how we can ever get back to that place. I would be lying if I said I didnt still love him because love doesnt just go away over night. But he hurt me so badly. I just want to feel normal again. We have talked abt staying togther and we have talked abt divorce. He begged me not to divorce him and honestly I do not know what to do anymore. I feel like a zombie, I know that one day this pain will go away and I will be happy again even it is not with him but right now my heart hurts so bad. Please any advice should I try to work it out? When will I not hurt so much? Sorry I know this is kind of long.
My husband cheated on me 28 years ago. He actually moved in with the other woman. We had a 2 year old and a 2 month old. I was devastated. He decided he wanted to come home. I told him that if he was coming back, it had to be to stay. He came back. The first year was really, really hard. It was probably 15 years before we could talk about it without either one of us hurting.
It is possible to overcome the cheating. It is possible to be really happy, married to your lover and your best friend years and years after the cheating.
My advice:
1. Either decide you are going to start fresh and trust him or cut off the relationship. You can't have it both ways.
2. If you decide you want to stick with him do not nag him about it unless you want him to think he is better off without out.
3. Look at what things you may be doing to keep the relationship from being as healthy as it can be and change them. But don't be a rug either.
4. Stop thinking about them. When you start thinking about them, force yourself to think about something else.
5. Go on a date or a weekend without the kids.
Good luck. It can be done.
I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
And in addition to RETeach's excellent advice, i'd recommend that you go visit www.retrouvaille.org, read up on their experiences, and decide whether or not that program would be good for you and your husband right now or later or not at all.
IIRC, it's less expensive than counselors and therapists, and may well be quite effective.
But punishing yourself and then punishing your husband for his infidelity(even though he "deserves it") will not ultimately prove beneficial to yourself or your family; it's more than just you and he, now. i think you need to make a core decision as to whether or not you (and he) will put "the marriage" above your(and his) personal wants.
Warmest regards-
Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance." -- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
My husband cheated on me 28 years ago. He actually moved in with the other woman. We had a 2 year old and a 2 month old. I was devastated. He decided he wanted to come home. I told him that if he was coming back, it had to be to stay. He came back. The first year was really, really hard. It was probably 15 years before we could talk about it without either one of us hurting.
It is possible to overcome the cheating. It is possible to be really happy, married to your lover and your best friend years and years after the cheating.
My advice:
1. Either decide you are going to start fresh and trust him or cut off the relationship. You can't have it both ways.
2. If you decide you want to stick with him do not nag him about it unless you want him to think he is better off without out.
3. Look at what things you may be doing to keep the relationship from being as healthy as it can be and change them. But don't be a rug either.
4. Stop thinking about them. When you start thinking about them, force yourself to think about something else.
5. Go on a date or a weekend without the kids.
Good luck. It can be done.
Thank you for the advice I disagree with most of it.
1. I know I cannot have it both ways, in my post I never said I wanted it both ways I said I was very hurt. Maybe since the infidelity in your relationship happened so long ago you forgot about how bad it hurt. You have been happy with your husband for a very long time now and I am happy that your marriage made it, but you have to realize these first few months are hard. I believe it is possible for me to be happy again with or with out him but right now I am hurting, not every day but sometimes I get sad. I may get sad and cry but I know I will be fine I know that this too shall pass, I know he made an epic mistake. But I do not have to make any decision right now, he messed up not me so I do not have to decide anything right now, I am allowed to hurt not forever but for now.
2. I do not nag him at all, in my post I said I asked him for the answers he gave them it still hurts but I never said I nag him. I don't trust a single thing he says because I trusted him so much before so he has alot of work cut out for him to get that trust back. Marriage is sacred in my eyes and for someone to break that is a major deal breaker, especially since I come from a family of cheating men.
3. Our relationship was very healthy when he cheated. We were good we were not perfect but we had a very healthy happy relationship. I asked him why he did it and he said it was because he did not feel like a man because he was not providing for his family. He was in nursing school and working a minimum wage job, I was the bread winner and it bothered him, and I knew it bothered him so I did everything I could to build him up and let him know how great of a man he was, and he still heated. He told me himself he was so stupid for making such a big mistake and that it was nothing I was doing. I am not perfect but he cheated for his own selfish reasons, he said verbatim "..it wasn't you I was stupid and selfish." I am no where near perfect but I will not re-evaluate my role as wife because he cheated. He made the mistake, he is not perfect so one day I will forgive him.
4. I do not enjoy thinking about them it drives me crazy to think of them sometimes itjust .happens though and I am trying to find ways to change that
5. I went on a girls weekend last weekend he watched the kids and it was nice to get away.
Thanks for the advice some of it helped. But I have some advice for you as well. I have read several of your post on others threads and all of the replies seem the same. I think you are so lin love right now you forgot what the hurting phase felt like. You remember the pain but it was so long ago you are not sensitive to it anymore, you say oh it happens get over it he changes and make your marriage work. But it is not that easy REteach, I too believe it is possible, but making decisions and accepting it does not come over night, God bless.
My husband cheated on me 28 years ago. He actually moved in with the other woman. We had a 2 year old and a 2 month old. I was devastated. He decided he wanted to come home. I told him that if he was coming back, it had to be to stay. He came back. The first year was really, really hard. It was probably 15 years before we could talk about it without either one of us hurting.
It is possible to overcome the cheating. It is possible to be really happy, married to your lover and your best friend years and years after the cheating.
My advice:
1. Either decide you are going to start fresh and trust him or cut off the relationship. You can't have it both ways.
2. If you decide you want to stick with him do not nag him about it unless you want him to think he is better off without out.
3. Look at what things you may be doing to keep the relationship from being as healthy as it can be and change them. But don't be a rug either.
4. Stop thinking about them. When you start thinking about them, force yourself to think about something else.
5. Go on a date or a weekend without the kids.
Good luck. It can be done.
Thank you for the advice I disagree with most of it.
1. I know I cannot have it both ways, in my post I never said I wanted it both ways I said I was very hurt. Maybe since the infidelity in your relationship happened so long ago you forgot about how bad it hurt. You have been happy with your husband for a very long time now and I am happy that your marriage made it, but you have to realize these first few months are hard. I believe it is possible for me to be happy again with or with out him but right now I am hurting, not every day but sometimes I get sad. I may get sad and cry but I know I will be fine I know that this too shall pass, I know he made an epic mistake. But I do not have to make any decision right now, he messed up not me so I do not have to decide anything right now, I am allowed to hurt not forever but for now.
2. I do not nag him at all, in my post I said I asked him for the answers he gave them it still hurts but I never said I nag him. I don't trust a single thing he says because I trusted him so much before so he has alot of work cut out for him to get that trust back. Marriage is sacred in my eyes and for someone to break that is a major deal breaker, especially since I come from a family of cheating men.
3. Our relationship was very healthy when he cheated. We were good we were not perfect but we had a very healthy happy relationship. I asked him why he did it and he said it was because he did not feel like a man because he was not providing for his family. He was in nursing school and working a minimum wage job, I was the bread winner and it bothered him, and I knew it bothered him so I did everything I could to build him up and let him know how great of a man he was, and he still heated. He told me himself he was so stupid for making such a big mistake and that it was nothing I was doing. I am not perfect but he cheated for his own selfish reasons, he said verbatim "..it wasn't you I was stupid and selfish." I am no where near perfect but I will not re-evaluate my role as wife because he cheated. He made the mistake, he is not perfect so one day I will forgive him.
4. I do not enjoy thinking about them it drives me crazy to think of them sometimes itjust .happens though and I am trying to find ways to change that
5. I went on a girls weekend last weekend he watched the kids and it was nice to get away.
Thanks for the advice some of it helped. But I have some advice for you as well. I have read several of your post on others threads and all of the replies seem the same. I think you are so lin love right now you forgot what the hurting phase felt like. You remember the pain but it was so long ago you are not sensitive to it anymore, you say oh it happens get over it he changes and make your marriage work. But it is not that easy REteach, I too believe it is possible, but making decisions and accepting it does not come over night, God bless.
Also do know that I appreciate you commenting, I just think you forgot how much it hurts because you are so happy now. I am glad your marriage was restored. I hope mine can be too....
And in addition to RETeach's excellent advice, i'd recommend that you go visit www.retrouvaille.org, read up on their experiences, and decide whether or not that program would be good for you and your husband right now or later or not at all.
IIRC, it's less expensive than counselors and therapists, and may well be quite effective.
But punishing yourself and then punishing your husband for his infidelity(even though he "deserves it") will not ultimately prove beneficial to yourself or your family; it's more than just you and he, now. i think you need to make a core decision as to whether or not you (and he) will put "the marriage" above your(and his) personal wants.
Warmest regards-
Hatman
Thank you I will check out that site!
Also how am I punishing him? I have never said "he deserves it..." The only reason I am willing to go to counseling is because I honestly believe he made a huge mistake but he loves and because of our children, but I am also very jaded now. I do not trust him or women anymore and maybe that is a good thing, I was naive and now I can see that not everyone has the same values and morals I do. He did not put our marriage above his own selfishness and I hope with counseling, prayer and time our marriage will be restored.
He doesnt get it because it was two years ago to him he finally confessed and he wants me to be over the heartache already but I cannot. He says he understand and he will do everything he can to help restore our marriage. Hopefully we can.
Thank you for the advice I disagree with most of it.
1. I know I cannot have it both ways, in my post I never said I wanted it both ways I said I was very hurt. Maybe since the infidelity in your relationship happened so long ago you forgot about how bad it hurt. You have been happy with your husband for a very long time now and I am happy that your marriage made it, but you have to realize these first few months are hard. I believe it is possible for me to be happy again with or with out him but right now I am hurting, not every day but sometimes I get sad. I may get sad and cry but I know I will be fine I know that this too shall pass, I know he made an epic mistake. But I do not have to make any decision right now, he messed up not me so I do not have to decide anything right now, I am allowed to hurt not forever but for now.
Oh, well, you are wrong. i do remember. i also remember we had sex the night after he came back because i figured if we were starting over, it had to start somewhere. do you think i liked it when he said he was only 52% happy he was with me and not her?
2. I do not nag him at all, in my post I said I asked him for the answers he gave them it still hurts but I never said I nag him. I don't trust a single thing he says because I trusted him so much before so he has alot of work cut out for him to get that trust back. Marriage is sacred in my eyes and for someone to break that is a major deal breaker, especially since I come from a family of cheating men.
if you don't trust him, leave. otherwise you are nagging.
I went on a girls weekend last weekend he watched the kids and it was nice to get away.
do you want to repair your relationship with him or with your girlfriends?
Thanks for the advice some of it helped. But I have some advice for you as well. I have read several of your post on others threads and all of the replies seem the same. I think you are so lin love right now you forgot what the hurting phase felt like. You remember the pain but it was so long ago you are not sensitive to it anymore, you say oh it happens get over it he changes and make your marriage work.
You asked if it can work. I said yes. It is very arrogant for you to say I don't remember. Mine left me with two babies. Yours didn't. I woke up in the middle of the night and he was gone. Then I looked i the closet and his clothes were gone. Then I found a note that said he didn't love me any more and wanted a divorce. it felt like someone reached into my chest and pulled my heart out.
Self pity is like a wet diaper. For a while it is nice and warm. After a while it starts to stink. Either wallow in your self pity and drive him away or grow some ovaries and act like a grown up woman. And don't make assumptions about others.
goodbye
I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
That is very sad he said that and it is truly a blessing your marriage worked out. That being said not all marriages are the same and what worked for you will not work for someone else. We have already had sex several times since I agreed to work our marriage out but it still hurts and it probably will for a while you should offer advice that can be used for everyone not just what worked for you.
Trust is something that has to be earned of cource I do not trust him, how is it nagging if do not trust him. I told him I don't he said he understood why and that he would work to rebuild the trust he lost. Maybe I am misunderstanding what you mean by "nagging" I dont ask him questions anymore after he confessed I told him how I felt and he has been very understanding with it and patient and we are cummicating very well, but no I do not trust him but I think in time I can trust him again it will not be easy but I believe it is possible.
I find this contradictory to your initial advice but I think it is because I misunderstood your advice in the first post I thought you meant for me to get away by myself not for me to get away with him. We actually did go on a weekend get away since this has happened. My mother watched the kids and we went out of town and it helped tremedously, and a few weeks later I went away by myself and it was nice to be alone with my thoughts and my girlfriends just ended meeting me, it was not planned. I misunderstood what you were saying at first. And of course I want to repair my marriage with him, I am only looking for support and unbaised answers here.
I have no self pity, there is no reason for me to pity myself I did not mess up he did. I am not perfect nor is he. In all your post you always target the woman... I find that interesting you never say anything about why the man may have cheated it is always the womans fault and you consistently say hurtful things and make the woman question herself instead of offering encoraging words. I am very aware that life will go on, as much as this hurts I will be okay. One day I will think about this and not cry, one day I be okay. And I still have every right to be hurt by this. I believe everything happens for a reason and this is something I will overcome. After your advice I do believe it is possible. And I was not trying to be arrogant at all I just wanted you to know that I am only looking for support here, I did not mean to offend you. Also I do not appreciate the negative comments about wallowing in self pity and growing some ovaries that was very inappropiate and not at all mature for a woman of your age. When in my post did I ever say I was wallowing self pity? I am sad because something sad happened to me but I know this will pass and I hope my marriage can be restored. I am acting like a grown up woman. I am glad for your marriage, and happy it was able to be restored so that you can be an example to other women who have to go through this, God bless you, your marriage, and your family. FYI: This is how a grown woman responds to someone who is being intentionally hurtful.
Serenity- If you haven't yet had counseling---both individual as well as marriage---i believe it would do you a great deal of good to get some.
Ever hear the song "The Boxer," by Simon and Garfunkel? It has a line in it which goes "A man hears what he wants to hear, and disregards the rest." It's a good song; here's a version you can hear for free @ Youtube: www.youtube.com/watch?v=hOkigFvxLrk
Personally, i have seen some great advice from REteach, which you have figuratively shat upon, and now you complain that REteach has taken offense?
Methinks you're doing some selective reading AND interpretation...iow, you have found fault because you sought it---or heard what you wanted to hear, disregarding the rest.
But hey---you don't like the advice? All the money you paid for it can now be considered to have been fully refunded.
Warmest regards-
Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance." -- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
Your response to this can only be made by you..However, it seems as if this has been a pattern. Its not been a one time thing. This relationship, if I understand it right, began with you both cheating. It seems it has been a constant throughout your relationship.
If you search your soul, I believe you'll find its the lack of truth, that hurts! Nothing hurts love, more than a lie! A marriage can seem to be happy at times, but mistrust is the first clue that somehthing was missing in the marriage.
You have a choice, I believe to do one of two things. The first is to forgive your past, accept where you are now, and ask yourself what exactly are your values? Most women can't forgive a man for one indiscreation. Some can. Ask yourself how many times can you accept this behavior, before you think better of yourself. Than ask Christ, the keeper of TRUTH, to help show you your purpose...so that you can gain clarity, hope in yourself, and trust in what is really important in your life, and its future. God be with you now more than ever to show you your way!
Without the Soul of Christ alive in us...we are nothing but empty shells...
