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Switch to Forum Live View Ashamed and disgusted
6 years ago  ::  Oct 10, 2011 - 1:45PM #1
RuthJulie
Posts: 2
I met my fiance 9 years ago when we had both graduated from high school. We have dated ever since and got engaged earlier this year. However about 3 years ago we were not at a good place;he was drinking alot and I wasnt happy nor comfortable with that. I talked to him about it but he didnt change for a while. I felt distant and even contemplated leaving him. I met another guy and due to my vulnerability, I had an affair which lasted for 2 years. I didnt feel guilty at the time but after a while the guilt started to eat me up. Finally I ended the affair. Nevertheless my fiance found out about the affair and it shuttered and crushed him. He isnt sure if he still wants to marry me anymore nor can he say he loves me anymore. I feel so disgusted and ashamed I betrayed the trust of a man who was true and faithful to me for the 9 years we have been together. I know I can never take it all back. I feel like a total failure and I blame my lack of self esteem which led me to feel appreciated in someone else's arms instead of dealing with what I was feeling towards my fiance at the time. I'm not making excuses or looking for blame, I acknowledge my mistake and betrayal and I have begged for forgiveness from God and my fiance. All my life I made a promise to myself that I would not allow myself to be the kind of woman who is unfaithful or disloyal. I broke that promise to myself. I want my man to love and trust me again; I want him to respect me and want me back. I cry everytime I think about this whole situation;even now as I type tears just roll down my cheeks. How can I make things better?
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6 years ago  ::  Oct 15, 2011 - 6:57AM #2
belleo
Posts: 2,887

I'm sorry you are hurting so much . You can get to know God better by reading the Bible . His love is unconditional . The things that needed to change in my life God showed me how tto do it and it was by reading his word . Make peace with yourself God is love and he loves you and forgives you . He does say that his people perish for lack of knowledge of him . I believe in marriage . My children well one of them believes in relationships . The Word of God that I read doesn't say to live with a man before being married . I still love my son . The best to you as you sort things out for yourself

Just me
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6 years ago  ::  Oct 17, 2011 - 1:01AM #3
RuthJulie
Posts: 2

Oct 15, 2011 -- 6:57AM, belleo wrote:

I'm sorry you are hurting so much . You can get to know God better by reading the Bible . His love is unconditional . The things that needed to change in my life God showed me how tto do it and it was by reading his word . Make peace with yourself God is love and he loves you and forgives you . He does say that his people perish for lack of knowledge of him . I believe in marriage . My children well one of them believes in relationships . The Word of God that I read doesn't say to live with a man before being married . I still love my son . The best to you as you sort things out for yourself


Thank you so much for your response and advice. I'm getting better and forgiving my self each day. God bless you.

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6 years ago  ::  Oct 17, 2011 - 7:45PM #4
karbie
Posts: 3,329

I'd suggest checking out Al-Anon--the groups for the spouses and loved ones of alcoholics to better understand why you were going outside the relationship with your fiance. If he hadn't been drinking and hadn't shut you out, the affair would never have happened. He had shut you out of his life to the extent he wasn't even aware this other person existed. Nine years is a long time to be with someone without a wedding taking place, which probably made you feel like there was something wrong with you.


I've learned the hard way that whenever I say "this is something I'd never do" it  comes back to haunt me. Have the two of you considered going into couples therapy? I know that betraying your own ideals was difficult to bear, but God has already forgiven you.


Here's one thing that's important--if your fiance can't get over your having been with anothor man, please don't marry him. I've spent 34 years of marriage with the fact that I wasn't the virgin he deserved thrown in my face and it isn't a pleasant thing to go through. You tend not to get virgin divorcees. When I had our son c-section, he told me how pleased he was our son dddidn't  have to go through any part of me some other man had touched. It was an incredibly hurful thing to say and he didn't even think of it hurting me.


Think long and hard, because if he can't get over it you are going to have a lot of tear-filled days. If he can, you can have a good marriage ahead. In the meantime, you have my prayers and good wishes.

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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