I am getting married in five weeks. It is supposed to be where he is from - 3,000 miles away. It was going to be a small gathering with close friends and his family, then we were going to have a reception where we live now. Unfortunately, now only his parents and brother will be able to make it to the wedding there. My son can't make it now, and it breaks my heart that he won't be part of it. Not only that, but immigration issues have come up - apparently it is up to the "mood" of the person at the border crossing as to whether they will allow him to come back to the country after we are married. Then we risk having to live apart for the first year of our marriage (he is here now on a temporary visitor's pass). I have expressed the depth of my concerns with him and he still insists he wants to marry back "home" to "honour" his parents. Three people will be there, and for this I need to haul my hiney across the continent, get decked out in my white gown, etc??
His reasoning is that he wants to "honour" his parents, but I asked him how it could be "dishonouring" to them if we were to invite them here and pay their way. I explained that it might be good for them to see how well he has settled into life here and meet some of our friends. He just doesn't get it....and this is NOT my idea of a wedding....I will have no one there that I know....and only five of us, including the two of us??? I don't get it!!
This is the only issue we have had. We are a good match, and I know beyond doubt how much he loves me. I love him dearly and we have both made many sacrifices in order to share our lives together, but this is one thing he is refusing to budge on. I've never wanted to go there for the wedding and have agreed to a LOT so he could have the wedding he wants. Now that no one can attend, it just seems crazy to do it this way.....
What can I do? How can I help him ito understand that we have a whole community here who would love to share our day with us, and it would be just as easy to fly his family here rather than haul our hinies there and HOPE they let him back in at the border. H E L P ! !
How much communication do you have with his parents?
It would be nice to have this concept of "dishonoring" his parents (by transporting them here) explained more fully. And I'm thinking his parents could better explain this concept- including just how much they'd actually be 'dishonored' should they be asked to travel here.
Not suggesting that you try to go behind his back on this. But certainly 'dishonoring' can be explained- something cultural, or belief-based, or maybe they are uncomfortable with long travel or have health issues that prevent them from leaving home. From what you write, this isn't clear. And I see no reason it cannot be made clear- by him or his parents.
Finding out why this is so important to him may help---but if he's unwilling/unable to communicate, perhaps you may consider the "deal-breaker" scenario, as in if he adamantly continues to INSIST that you travel out-of-country to please his parents(and him), that the wedding is OFF.
This kind of intransigence(if that's what it is) will NOT get better after you're married, of that i'm certain. Better to risk it all and put your foot down NOW, than to WISH you had, later.
Personally, i feel you've been MORE than reasonable to offer to pay for his parents trip to where you are(and back, and lodging/meals while they're here and in transit, too, no doubt), especially considering the border re-crossing issues if y'all go THERE. Apparently, HE's perfectly willing to spend the first year of your marriage apart(or to risk it, anyhow). How do you feel about that?
Warmest regards-
Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance." -- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
I also fail to see any dishonor is offering to fly his family over for your wedding, paying their way, especially considering the circumstances.
Personally, I would not make an ultimatum. Firstly because I hate them; any significant decision for a couple should be made as a result of discussion. An ultimatum about a wedding day would be a terrible way to start a lifelong marriage in my opinion, and would likely result in him resenting you, which is no improvement on the current situation of you resenting him. Secondly (and I really don't mean to come across as harsh or judgmental, I know the ultimatum was a suggestion for you, not your own idea, and I don't know whether you are even considering it), it seems to me that if a single day of not getting your way is worth not getting married over, then you really have no business getting married in the first place.
However, I would be very firm and insistent that as his soon-to-be-wife, he needs to honor you, just as much as his parents. Suggest, perhaps, that if he is not willing to let you fly his family down to your home for your wedding, that instead he pays to fly a couple of your friends and/or family up there for you. Also make it clear that risking being apart for that first year of marriage unnecessarily is quite disrespectful towards you, and ask him how he would make it up to you, both the stress and anxiety of not knowing in the first place, and also the actual year of separation, if it happens.
Also, I wonder if you could write to someone in the boarder crossing office where you and he will be and explain the situation. It won't be a guarantee, but a friendly and courteous heads up may make them more likely to let him through.
I sympathize with your situation, and I don't envy the position he has put you in. However, I've seen picture perfect wedding days that ended in messy divorces, and far-from-perfect wedding days that led to wonderful, happy marriages. If you really do believe that he is the right person, and you like the way he treats you other than this one very isolated situation, I would marry him regardless. A lifelong marriage to the right person would be worth the far-from-ideal wedding, and would even be worth a year of separation if it came to that.
Congratulations, and I wish you and he a long, happy marriage.
Thanks, everyone. Well, we had a bit of a "heated" discussion - no argument, no yelling, just heated (he is a good, peaceful man and excellent communicator). During this discussion, I asked him again what exactly the point was in going there. Eventually it came out that it is to preserve their relationship. He was afraid the relationship was going to suffer because he moved so far away from them and has been unable to participate in their lives to the extent he had all his life.
Once we broke it down to the very nuts and bolts of what was going on, it was so much easier to address. I let him know that it is not attending a wedding there which will preserve the relationship; rather, it is being communicative, authentic and transparent with them which will preserve it. We decided that he would talk with them, and after he did, if he still wanted to do it there, I would.
As it turns out, his parents were already thinking about how we should have it here for immigration purposes, and they were all excited at the idea of coming here for a wedding and vacation combo. It is like a huge weight is lifted from my fiancee, and he is back to his regular happy, lovable self.
Now we have a wedding to plan in the next four and a half weeks!
How you two have handled this is a terrific harbinger of how your marriage will be. I believe that conflict is inevitable in any relationship, and it also appears to be inevitable that there will be hurts and hurt feelings. None of that need diminish the quality of the relationship or the love for each other, if it is addressed in as thoughtful and effective manner as you have.
I see two important principles: one is an attitude of love and respect, for both oneself as well as for the other person. The second is a willingness to dig beneath the "position" that has been staked out and get to the essence of why that is being taken. In other words, understanding (and comunicating) what was beneath each of your respective stances led to a constructive dialogue about the importance of his maintainging a good relationship with his family. This is so much better than digging into entreched positions that can lead to a war.
Now I'm trying to imagine you on one of those "bridzilla" shows! *ducking and running*
May you and he be blessed all the days of your life!
You deserve a better-than-good man, and it appears you've found one. Fantastic news! May you spend many happy years together, growing closer rather than apart.
Warmest regards-
Hatman
"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance." -- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
Now I'm trying to imagine you on one of those "bridzilla" shows! *ducking and running*
lol. Careful, Arnie, I might beat you with my bouquet!
Yes, my guy is pretty amazing and our friends and church are fully supportive of us. We've had a couple of little conflicts before that were so easily resolved that I don't even remember what they were about. But Arnie, you are right about keeping the love and respect toward each other in spite of the conflict, and about getting to the motivators or underlying reasons rather than digging in the heels for a stronger stance against the other. And this is pretty much affirmed in our conflict - it is communication, authenticity, transparency and caring which preserve the relationship, and preserving the relationship is more important than "winning" a conflict.
I'd like to add my congratulations to you both. It's so wonderful that you are bringing his parents to the wedding. I married a friend's older brother, and I undesrstand rushing--he proposed on August 15th and we got married on October 22. My wedding gown squeaked into town on Thursday..and our wedding was that Saturday....I knew who was walking me down the aisle, I just didn't know in what. Kudos to you both on your consideration for each other's feelings.
My father had died, but both of my Grandpas were alive and both walked me down the aisle. the idea of choosing one over the other and inflicting that kind of pain on one of them was something I couldn't do. If it hadn't been possible, I'd have gone down the aisle by myself. That was almost 34 years ago; I wish you both a lifetime of love.
My main problems with Bridezillas is the supreme selfishness and lack of consideration for the people they should be thanking for all the hours they spend on "HER day". Anytime a bride wonders if she's over the top, it's easy--if they aren't thinking of it as "our day" or "the day we start our lives together", it's time for a reality check. I just had one attendant-his sister--and I let her pick out her own gown so it would be something she really could use again.
It's funny, isn't it? The overblown entitlement brides who want it to be their day to shine and be treated like a Princess don't remember all the rules that a Princess has to follow in real life. My daughter-in-law is a gem and I've always been grateful she realized my son was too shy and too much of a gentleman to make the first move. She showed me pictures of the wedding dress she'd picked out and we loved her right away. Her parents welcomed our son with open arms. The relationship you are going to have with his parents by bringing them here for the wedding will only grow deeper and more loving as time passes.
"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again." 'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you." these are both from my father.
