Hi Guys,
This is kind of a long message - but all of it is true - except for the very last few lines. I just got out of the hospital a few days ago, and I wrote this as a kind of `closure`. I rec'd so many comments on it - thought I would pass it on. I think you will enjoy it! It's not depressing - in fact, just the opposite - --
A Day at The Hospital
I looked at the EKG treadmill, and scoffed inwardly. This was going to be a piece of cake - - Then I looked at the nurse who was monitoring the results; She was so gentle and calm, and compassionate looking – I thought nothing bad would ever come from her.
I was ready!
4 Minutes and 8 seconds later – I was gasping on the couch next to the treadmill – much as you see a fish who has just been reeled in – and is flopping on the bottom of the boat.
Then this gentle and compassionate nurse monitor – said, `I don’t like what I am seeing here`. I responded, `……gasp, gasp, I’m not gasp gasp too happy gasp gasp either!
She said don’t move – as if I could, even if I wanted to.
She came back – and sprayed nitroglycerin under my tongue…
Oh,oh ……………
Than, she asked if my wife was in the waiting room – I gasped, `yes`. And than suggested that she come in .
Oh, oh, oh…………..
Than another spray of nitroglycerin - - -
This was not looking good ------------
Than, the coupe de grace – she compassionately told my wife and me that an ambulance was dispatched – and I was to be transported to the local hospital; But, don’t worry!!
At the hospital, I was fitted with adhesive monitors – must have been 50 of them!!
They asked if I was comfortable – and I responded that I was -- -- and then they told me they were going to be transporting me to a Portland hospital.
I responded – NO, I am not going to Portland – under any circumstance.
They replied that the difference was me paying the co-pay for a non-preferred facility (the local hospital) or go to a preferred facility in Portland.
So, I asked – how soon can we get to Portland??
Than, in the ambulance, they attached to me another set of adhesive monitors - -
I made it abundantly clear that I already had the adhesive monitors – but, `..they had their own….)
Rip off the old monitors, put new ones on
Rip – ouch – press on the new one
Rip off the old monitors (ouch) – press on the new ones
Over and over.
Finally about 2 ½ hours – by my mental clock – we arrived at the Portland facility. I asked why it took 2 ½ hours – and they responded that the ride was about 45 minutes.
Than at the hospital, they wanted to put new adhesive monitors on - - I told them quite emphatically I already had monitors from the ambulance.
They told me - equally emphatically - they used their own monitors.
Of course they did!
Rip off the old monitors, put new ones on
Rip – ouch – press on the new one
Rip off the old monitors (ouch) – press on the new ones
Over and over.
Then, I was `welcomed` to the Portland facility.
I was told my options were:
- A stint – if there were only one artery blocked, or
- Open heart surgery – if more than one main artery was blocked.
I was asked – `what do you think of the alternatives?`
I hated both of them.
Nevertheless – I was going to be `prepped` for the Angiogram. I was asked if I wanted to see a Chaplain.
This was getting worse and worse.
Than a nurse came in and said she had good news - - she said she had received a personal message that there was a nice fellow coming in (me) -and `take care of him`.
Man, I hate that phrase!
I could see a Mafia boss saying to his hit man - `Hey Louie, take care of him`, or
God saying to an angel, `Take care of him`.
I never was able to decide which one applied to me.
At any rate, than the nurse said the bad news was she had to shave `my privates`. I told her that we had just met, and shouldn’t we have dinner a few times, and get to know each other a little before –
She: `Get on the Table`
Me: `OK`.
Me: `You know if you turned down the lights a little, and had some music piped in – this wouldn’t be half bad.
She: `Quiet`.
I was asked what my main concern was:
Me: `Pain, Just put me out and wake me when it is all over`.
She: No, they want you awake so they can ask you questions during the procedure.
Me: `Have them ask me now. I’ll tell them all I know`.
She: `I’ll give you some Valium`
Me: `That won’t be enough`
Now, my gurney was being wheeled down the hall – and my poor family was standing against the wall – looking nervous and scared.
I did not want to go out like that – so I made a face, smiled, waved, and blew kisses. They erupted into laughter.
Now – I am in THE ROOM. If you ever wanted to know what a turkey feels like on Thanksgiving – try being wheeled into the Operating Room.
On top of it all, they were all wearing white masks; probably to conceal their identity if something went wrong.
Me: `Hey guys, do you realize that I am still conscious? `
One of the masked individuals: `Don’t worry, we will take care of you`
Drat – that phrase again.
Then another of the masked individuals brought his face close to mine – and said `Don’t worry – we were up all night studying the manual – and we are pretty sure we can do it!!`
Than all went blank. About a day or two later, by my mental clock, I am still there.
Me: `When are you guys going to start?`
One of them: `We are finished`
Me: I must be alive – Good job!
Back in the room – someone was hovering over me with a concerned look- asking how I felt. I responded that I had had terrible, horrible nightmares –
I told them I had dreamt that Obama was elected to a 2nd term.
Some laughter, some silence (My apologies to good Democrats)
Then it was night – and I came to and noticed all the pretty nurses were gone – and in their place was three burly looking `guys`.
Me: `Hey, where are the nurses?`
Them: `Hey bud, we’re the nurses`
Me: `Oh, Crap`
Finally after the restless night, I was released the next day.
A few days later, I received a beautiful Party Invitation card – from the hospital.
I was thrilled, (they liked me), until I noticed that the date had been crossed off.
I eagerly called to accept the invitation –
Me: `I received this invitation, but the date was crossed off – and I can’t tell when it is.
She: `We know - -- -- ha, ha --------- Click.
Enjoy
Ron
