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10 years ago  ::  May 12, 2008 - 12:51PM #1
tears&joy
Posts: 1
It's been 7 months since my husband, the love of my life, died. 3 weeks later my Mom ,92, who lived with us also died. It's only now that I've come to the point of verbalizing all the hurt and pain, and yes even the comfort & peace---all co-mingled together.  My husband had emphysema but had gotten along pretty well for the most part. Anyone who knows the desease knows it is progressive and any damage is irreversible.  There had been many dips that evened out to a new norm, but as 2007 came he went into "free fall". By Spring he said he wanted to have a "first & last annual birthday party" and invite all the kids. What wonderful forethought!  It was a blessed time, and every one knew (but professed otherwise) that it was the last. To every thing there is a season, & this was our season for winding down. In July he fell & broke a hip---ER, hospital & rehab followed. No sooner was he home again than we had a bout with respiratory failure---again ER & hospital.
This time when he came home the homecoming included Hospice care, making the dining room over into a bedroom for him, and around the clock care. (Mom too at the same time, in the attached apt off the family room.) I slept on the couch to be near him and scurried from one bed to the other. During this time my honey  surprised me with a large vase of 2 dozen roses, the accompanying  card read "for all the missed opportunities". He would laugh and say he and Grandma were in a race. Two days before he died he woke me up at 5:00 AM, and said , "I looks like I'm winning this one". That was almost his last word as he was in & out of consciousness. He never showed any fear ("payed up & packed up" was a favorite saying of his) only love & concern for us. The night he died instead of sleeping on the couch I curled up beside him on that narrow cot and held him until he stopped breathing. The death rattle was unmistakable----I still hear it.
Through out all his illness, I was unable to cry, and even wondered if I still could. Believe me, I cried as I didn't think one could. I understand the Old Testament reference to tearing one's clothes & sackcloth & ashes,
I've read soooo many articles on grief, especially loosing one's spouse, but I don't think I followed the pattern, perhaps because he helped me by his own wonderful attitude or because we knew it was coming. Knowing it before hand does NOT mean the grief is less or that missing him isn't overwhelming! The area I depart from the "norm" is I never got mad at God. The greatest comfort I've found, even from the very beginning, is that God is sovereign. Everything IS under His control. Moreover He loves me (even more than my Russ did) and He will use even this great pain for my good & his glory. I didn't "loose" my husband---I know exactly where he is!
I'm finding just recently a little bubble of joy deep inside (not happiness, joy). I still cry in the night, and wish above all that I could dream of him and hear his voice just once more but that hasn't happened. And yet that touch of joy is getting stronger and I know my own life has not ended---in spite of my Russ-less-ness
We were married 321 months. Yes we celebrated each month on the 19th. That's just shy of 27 years. I wish we'd taken more pictures, but I have so many wonderful memories. We were truly blessed. Looking back, I'm even thankful for that "last gasp" with Hospice care (They were terrific, by the way) when I had to do EVERYTHING for him & still help him keep his dignity. He wasn't heavy-he's my love! Having no regrets is a blessing in itself.
I'm 66 yrs old now, still youngish, and realizing because our relationship was so good, I really would like to meet someone. NOT to replace him--no one could do that & I know I'll never love him less--but the healing has begun and I know I can love again. I've just begun praying that God will bring someone of His choosing into my life.
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10 years ago  ::  May 19, 2008 - 8:03PM #2
dlaco05
Posts: 3

tears&joy wrote:

It's been 7 months since my husband, the love of my life, died. 3 weeks later my Mom ,92, who lived with us also died. It's only now that I've come to the point of verbalizing all the hurt and pain, and yes even the comfort & peace---all co-mingled together.  My husband had emphysema but had gotten along pretty well for the most part. Anyone who knows the desease knows it is progressive and any damage is irreversible.  There had been many dips that evened out to a new norm, but as 2007 came he went into "free fall". By Spring he said he wanted to have a "first & last annual birthday party" and invite all the kids. What wonderful forethought!  It was a blessed time, and every one knew (but professed otherwise) that it was the last. To every thing there is a season, & this was our season for winding down. In July he fell & broke a hip---ER, hospital & rehab followed. No sooner was he home again than we had a bout with respiratory failure---again ER & hospital.
This time when he came home the homecoming included Hospice care, making the dining room over into a bedroom for him, and around the clock care. (Mom too at the same time, in the attached apt off the family room.) I slept on the couch to be near him and scurried from one bed to the other. During this time my honey  surprised me with a large vase of 2 dozen roses, the accompanying  card read "for all the missed opportunities". He would laugh and say he and Grandma were in a race. Two days before he died he woke me up at 5:00 AM, and said , "I looks like I'm winning this one". That was almost his last word as he was in & out of consciousness. He never showed any fear ("payed up & packed up" was a favorite saying of his) only love & concern for us. The night he died instead of sleeping on the couch I curled up beside him on that narrow cot and held him until he stopped breathing. The death rattle was unmistakable----I still hear it.
Through out all his illness, I was unable to cry, and even wondered if I still could. Believe me, I cried as I didn't think one could. I understand the Old Testament reference to tearing one's clothes & sackcloth & ashes,
I've read soooo many articles on grief, especially loosing one's spouse, but I don't think I followed the pattern, perhaps because he helped me by his own wonderful attitude or because we knew it was coming. Knowing it before hand does NOT mean the grief is less or that missing him isn't overwhelming! The area I depart from the "norm" is I never got mad at God. The greatest comfort I've found, even from the very beginning, is that God is sovereign. Everything IS under His control. Moreover He loves me (even more than my Russ did) and He will use even this great pain for my good & his glory. I didn't "loose" my husband---I know exactly where he is!
I'm finding just recently a little bubble of joy deep inside (not happiness, joy). I still cry in the night, and wish above all that I could dream of him and hear his voice just once more but that hasn't happened. And yet that touch of joy is getting stronger and I know my own life has not ended---in spite of my Russ-less-ness
We were married 321 months. Yes we celebrated each month on the 19th. That's just shy of 27 years. I wish we'd taken more pictures, but I have so many wonderful memories. We were truly blessed. Looking back, I'm even thankful for that "last gasp" with Hospice care (They were terrific, by the way) when I had to do EVERYTHING for him & still help him keep his dignity. He wasn't heavy-he's my love! Having no regrets is a blessing in itself.
I'm 66 yrs old now, still youngish, and realizing because our relationship was so good, I really would like to meet someone. NOT to replace him--no one could do that & I know I'll never love him less--but the healing has begun and I know I can love again. I've just begun praying that God will bring someone of His choosing into my life.


I am so sorry for your loss!  Your story was very inspirational to me and gave me strength in dealing with my own losses that I am facing.

I do hope you find a companion, you sound like a wonderful person and you deserve happiness.
Thank you and God Bless you.

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