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Switch to Forum Live View Do you ever really get over being cheated on?
6 years ago  ::  Feb 09, 2009 - 6:30PM #1
ladysky
Posts: 47
About 3 years ago I found out my husband cheated on me.  I found out threw a letter from domestics, that came to my house.  The girl was taking him for support.  At the time I was 5 months pregnant with my son, who is now 3.  I have forgiven him. it took awhile, but sometimes i can't get it out of my head.  I need to get passed  this if i want my marrige to work, but how do you let go?
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 09, 2009 - 8:58PM #2
REteach
Posts: 14,572
Yes, you can.  For us, it was about 26 years ago.  It took about 15 years before we could really just talk about it without emotion.  It took longer than 3 years for it to stop hurting, but I can't remember how many.

I can say now it was probably the best thing that could have happened for our marriage.  We both had to step up to the plate and start caring for the other, instead of expecting to be cared for.  Also, when we get mad at each other, we know what it is like not to have the other there.  It didn't feel good. 

BTW, pregnancy is a very common time for cheating.  That isn't exactly a justification per se, but it might help being aware of that.

Good luck.  Try to let it go, as long as it doesn't happen again.  And remember--it takes two to tango.  If you expect him to be starting over fresh with you, as it were, you need to give him the benefit of the doubt and start over fresh with him, too.  It will not help your marriage if you keep whacking him over the head with it. 

We had sex the night after my husband came home, and he just said again last week what a big impact that had on him.
I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 11, 2009 - 10:17AM #3
qtbabe
Posts: 823
"How do you let go?"

Ladysky, it's a great question! I'm glad that you know what question to ask at least.  I'm not sure I have the answer for it, but I can share my experience on seeking the answer of this question with you.
I guess I didn't know that question 20yrs ago, I got bitter with my husband cheated on me for years and I acted out b/c I was young (not a good excuse, just realized that as I grow older). I lost my love for him completely was another avoidance to get over the fact that he cheated.  Then I punished him by cheating on him to get even.  All the painful events went on as time go by.  At the end, I just realized one thing was to take the responsibility of my action and deal with the one question that you had ask "how to get over it" was to forgive him and yourself.  Was there any moment that you blame yourself that you had done something in order for him to cheat on you?  well, I did...I blamed myself for doing something wrong that why he cheated on me and vice versa.  The cycle was going around until I stopped it and came out clean with myself first and being truthful with my husband.  Another thing that I found, time is also a key factor of forgiveness and your husband has to show his remoses that would help you to let go easier.  You know when you're ready to let go....This is something you can't force it to go away ....
I'm so sorry I don't have a good answer to your question b/c I'm a queen of treaden...

Good luck
QT:)
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 11, 2009 - 8:53PM #4
REteach
Posts: 14,572

Both played a role in the cheating,


I agree.  I had to be honest about my own immaturities and stupidities.  Then I had to mentally agree to start over with him with a clean slate.  Punishing him, as qt notes, would not have really worked.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 18, 2009 - 12:40PM #5
ehrenhaddad
Posts: 6
I'm so sorry for everyone who experiences cheating. It hurts so much. I have been cheated on and I know that pain, like you all. I honestly though have to disagree about each partner having responsibility in the cheating of the one who cheated.. A person who makes a choice, (unless forced somehow) is 100% responsible for their choice. Their spouse or partner I believe does not have any "flaws" that was part of the reason why that person cheated. If I understand everyone correctly of the posts I read. In that case, we all have partilal blame on others for all our bad decisions because they have "flaws" that affected us? People are imperfect, but that gives no one responsibility for others' decisions. It's our OWN flaws that lead us to do what we do, whether it's our belief system, our self worth/value, ignorance, etc. whatever the root cause its, it's in ourselves.

And ladysky, I can't imagne going through all that at a time of pregnancy. You survived! I don't know if I could. My hormones do something terrible to me when I'm pregnant and I can not handle stress at that time very well. It does take time. Be patient with yourself. It's not your fault.
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 18, 2009 - 2:32PM #6
tropicalmom
Posts: 1
The only way you can get over it is by Loving your self ...I know , I know it sounds clishe... But is the truth .. if you put as much energy in loving your self and remembering all of the great qualities in you, as you put in remembering that you were cheated on... You would realize that 1) the cheating was never about you... 2) Is in the past and there is nothing you can do to change it. 3) That if is worth saving the relationship.. then you need to work on it, talk about it; because even thow you can not change it , you also should not dismiss it. It needs to be addressed in order to move on. But Most of all. That You are worth of being Loved Exclusively and you do not have to settle for less than The best. It is lot's of work it will not be easy but it will be worth your while if only to Learn to Love Your self more . Life is too short to dwell in things that can not be change. and remember if you must move on.. remember You DID have a Life Prior to your life with that person, You can always have a better life after Him/Her.
Much Love,
Tropical Mom
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 18, 2009 - 10:19PM #7
William vandusen
Posts: 1
Cheating is what ended my marriage my wife decided that once was not enough. I forgave her the first time but I couldn't the second. I tried to figure out what she thought she needed that I was not giving her. I guess it was because I was not home often I was in the Army and I was at work all the time because of my job. She said that I should have been with her more and so concerned about my career. I guess she might have been right I can't say. So how is it that you try and find someone else after something like that?
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 18, 2009 - 10:19PM #8
William vandusen
Posts: 1
Cheating is what ended my marriage my wife decided that once was not enough. I forgave her the first time but I couldn't the second. I tried to figure out what she thought she needed that I was not giving her. I guess it was because I was not home often I was in the Army and I was at work all the time because of my job. She said that I should have been with her more and so concerned about my career. I guess she might have been right I can't say. So how is it that you try and find someone else after something like that?
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 19, 2009 - 10:23AM #9
appy20
Posts: 10,165
The problem with accepting responsibility for someone else cheating is that gives everyone the right to cheat.  In other words, if my spouse is not perfect, I can cheat.  Since no one is perfect, that pretty much opens the door to cheating. I see that women get a disproportionate part of the blame here.  Men are to be forgiven and women are to be punished.  It is a pattern.   I have yet to see a list of allowed imperfections that women are permitted to have.  Also, this view does not take account biology. Some people are biologically wired to cheat.  It isn't fair or accurate to blame their partner for that.  Women have been getting the blame for male biology since the dawn of time.  Also, women with mental illnesses are prone to cheating and it isn't fair to their partners to be blamed, in any part, for that.

Another thing that really irks me is that I don't believe that cheating partners are entitled to perfect spouses.  If I am cheated on and found to be imperfect, I just think that it is not fair to work all that hard to make myself perfect for someone who is going to cheat if I don't.  Someone who is also not perfect in addition to cheating.  That kind of keeps one partner jumping through hoops all of the time.  Just because a person cheats on their spouse does not mean they are perfect in other ways.  That mentality that says "hey, I cheated on you, you better shape up" really sticks in my craw. 

If someone cheated on me (and no one ever has), I would work to improve myself but I am not going to waste those improvements on a cheater.  I am going to leave, find someone who can love me enough even when I am not perfect and who won't use my imperfections as an excuse to replace me.  All of us have a right to grow and should not be unduly punished for not being born perfect. 

No, cheating should not wreck a person but nor should it compel someone to stay in a relationship with a cheater.  It only enables the cheater.  It perpetuates the genes.  It certainly benefits a lot of cheaters. 

Another thing that irks me is that staying with cheaters hurts those of us who value and want monogamy.  Why?  Because chances are if you forgive your spouse, you are going to have children by him.  Those children will carry and perpetuate those genes.  Even though those genes enabled us to survive, we need more than survival now.  Monogamy also has value.

We have plenty of  infidelity genes floating around.  Since we do not have as many lethal STDs, we don't have nature's way of balancing things out.  Also, since monogamous people tend to have fewer offspring by multiple partners their genes are not spread as much.  Quantity is not better than quality. Monogamy could become extinct.  75% of adopted males whose biological fathers cheat, will cheat even when adopted at birth.  That is twice as high as those adopted who had monogamous biological fathers.

I think one reason that more women are cheating than ever is because monogamy genes are dying out.  I just think there needs to be a balance and monogamy should be an option for those that want it.  No one is doing anyone a favor by remaining with cheating partners.  Look folks, being alone is NOT THAT BAD.  If you genuinely like yourself, you can live without a cheater and be happy.

IMO, to put up with cheating, you have to be desperately afraid of being alone.
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6 years ago  ::  Feb 19, 2009 - 1:36PM #10
appy20
Posts: 10,165
A roving eye gene does have genetic aspects that are no fault of the one who has it.  However, it is their fault to not acknowledge this aspect of themselves and marry someone who does not want that.  You certainly should not be pledging fidelity during the wedding vows.  Now, they may not know they have this.  Fine.  Still, I don't want to be there with that person.  I want monogamy so I do want someone with those genes.  I would state my desires in the beginning of the relationship.

This is what I told my last boyfriend.  Look, if monogamy sounds uninteresting to  you, move on to someone else.  If you need to cheat, let me know and move  on.  Have enough respect for our relationship to tell me and let me out.  Move on, be happy.  Don't waste my time.  I don't want ANY responsibility for your monogamy.  That is your job.  If monogamy is dependent on me being perfect or exactly what you need at every point in your life, then move on to someone else. I will not cheat even if I am miserable in the relationship.  I will get out.

Oh, the list of imperfections males are allowed to have are legion. There is more pressure on women to forgive cheating husbands than on men forgiving cheating wives.

As for genes.  It isn't really one gene.  It could be quite a few.  They have identified some genes in women that do predict monogamy satisfaction.  They haven't done so for men.  However, there is ample research that men do have biological reasons for their roving eyes.  All biology is genetically produced. 

If you were genuinely interested in the research, you would have read it by now.  Lord knows, the amount of research done on gender differences is staggering.  You wouldn't like or believe it anyway.  As long as you don't like it, you aren't going to believe it.

Yes, choice enters into the situation but choice is much easier if you have a biological drive pushing you.  Monogamy is simply easier, regardless of the quality of the marriage, for some people.  That is a whole host of things, most of which, ultimately lie in the genes.  Yes, there are some people more inclined and yes, their poor spouses get the joy of accepting that responsibility.

I do not believe a marital partner causes a mental illness.  A relationship may cause stress but stress does not cause ordinary people to become mentally ill.  There are biological things there too.  As a depressive, I support anyone who does not wish to date me for being a depressive.  I am not bipolar.  I would not date anyone bipolar because I am not good with bipolars.  If my spouse cheated on me due to bipolar disease, I would still leave them because I would clarifiy before marriage that infidelity is a deal breaker for me.  Regardless of the reason.

If one partner claims to cheat due to something their partner does or does not do,  then their spouse is being punished for a problem that they are perceived to have.  If the spouse is part of the reason the other cheats, then that person is being blamed for it.  Now, if the couple did not agree to fidelity in the beginning of their marriage, there is no problem. If a person wants monogamy and makes that clear then it is up to the other partner to give notice that if they can't hack it. 

Actually, research, until recently, has shown that men tend to do better with partners long term than women.  Now, whether  men benefit is coming into question.   The jury is still out on whether or not we live better lives with partners than without.  I do know that in my family where all the women spend the last 50 plus years of their life alone, they did just fine and were happier alone. 

As for righteousness, I don't think that applies.  I don't like it.  It isn't about being wrong or right.  I want monogamy and I do have a right to meet my needs and to prefer partners that meet mine.  At least my choice would not flood the future human species with people with genes that are not monogamous.  There are still people that do want monogamy.  It is a deal breaker for us.  When I was serious about someone, I made that point clear. 

I believe that if someone thinks that I am so awful that they need to cheat, they need to find someone that can make them happy.  However, they should do me the oourtesy of telling me before they cheat.  Let us end the relationship with dignity and honor.

I don't think evolution favors monogamy but that does not make monogamy a bad thing.  It is more fragile than infidelity. We are becoming a culture that does devalue monogamy and by encouraging people to stay with those that cheat, they are perpetuating it and enabling monogamy to die out. The natural reaction to being cheated on is to leave.  That keeps those genes in check. By encouraging people to stay with unfaithful partners, monogamy is being eradicated.

We choose the traits of future generations by who we have children with. If women really want monogamy and maybe I am the only one that does, they won't have children with men who cheat or cheat themselves.  If men truly want monogamy, then they will not cheat or stay with women who do.

People who value monogamy leave.  A person cannot say they are opposed to McDonald's when they eat there every day.   The same with monogamy.  If you value it, you practice it and have families with people that do.

If the relationship becomes more important than monogamy, monogamy will die out.
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