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Switch to Forum Live View Do you ever really get over being cheated on?
2 years ago  ::  Feb 14, 2013 - 4:32PM #231
REteach
Posts: 14,450

I would start with the book I mentioned below on cognitive behavioral therapy, and if you are religious, prayer. 


We can learn a lot from rotten stuff.  It is no fun going through it, but we can come out the other end stronger and wiser. 


I can't speak for everyone, but I am glad I stuck with my husband. He is my lover and my best friend, and I am his.


Get a babysitter and go out for a date tonight. Or get some wine, put the kids to bed, make a nice dinner, put on tablecloth on the table with some candles and act romantic.  Seriously. 

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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1 year ago  ::  May 20, 2013 - 9:50PM #232
Pepelle
Posts: 1
Hatman,

I have been reading this the last few days and it has been helping with the hurt.

3 days ago I found out that my husband has cheated on me a few times before we got married and tried to once just weeks after our wedding.

He swears he never slept with someone but I'm finding it hard to believe him. He says he only kissed girls at the club and never went any further than that.

Our relationship has not been the best. It has been rocky. We have an 18 month old daughter together who is amazing.

I told him I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him and the hurt is so fresh. I love him I really do but I don't know if I can ever get over this. To me cheating is cheating whether its a kiss or more.

The worst is his whole family and most of my friends knew. Everyone lied to me and I feel betrayed.

So many people have gone through this and more and come out the otherside stronger and wiser. How do I do this? How do you forgive someone who betrayed you like this? How do you forget when it hurts so much?

Any advice would be helpful
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1 year ago  ::  Jun 04, 2013 - 12:27PM #233
peanutb
Posts: 1

I was googling how to get over being cheated on and I must say that this is by far the best forum I've found.  I know that it was started a long time ago and people haven't posted in a few months, but I thought I'd share my story and see if anyone can offer any advice...interesting to see how many women and men go through this...


My husband and I have been married for almost two years now and I found out about two months ago that he cheated on me with someone else.  This person and him had history; he met her before me and they messed around and then while he and I were dating she posted on his facebook that they were together and when I confronted him about it he quickly cut her and made our relationship official...but I guess he kept seeing her...anyway, we got married and I found an intimate video of her that he had kept and I noticed that it was in our house and after we were married.  I confronted him about it and he admitted to it and apologized.  I couldn't get over it so I sent her a message and asked her about the affair...that is where I learned that he had gone to Florida (where she lives) and spent a weekend with her there when I thought he was in Florida with his male friends.  I confronted him about that and he denied it.  I asked the girl to send me pictures and she did, so he finally had to confess to having gone on vacation with her....he cried and said that he lied because he was afraid he'd lose me, etc.  I was 8 months pregnant when all of this came out.  I gave birth to my daughter that same week (5 weeks before her due date)...I guess the stress caused me to go into labor prematurely.  I decided to forgive him and try to work on our marriage because we are married and have a daughter...that's not something that you give up lightly. Since then he's cut off all communication with her and I check his phone periodically and don't see anything out of the ordinary (he even has her blocked on his social media sites)...


I want to make my marriage work but I can't get the idea that he lied to me about going to Florida and then denied it and that he went with her... I frequently have images of them at the beach or being intimate in the hotel room and it's frustrating. 


My husband has anger issues...he's not violent but he's a very angry person with very little patience and a short temper.  I constantly try and have tried to please him, to avoid his anger, and to make him happy... Since I found out about the cheating I feel as if I don't care to try to please him anymore.  I can't help but agree with appy20 when she says " If I am cheated on and found to be imperfect, I just think that it is not fair to work all that hard to make myself perfect for someone who is going to cheat if I don't.  Someone who is also not perfect in addition to cheating."  I feel as though I constantly tried to make myself better so that he wouldn't get upset and he still cheated...so why should I even try....I feel like I walk on eggshells everyday so he won't get upset because the slightest thing annoys him (example, he was giving me an email address over the phone but I couldn't understand him due to the phone noise so when I asked him to slow down and repeat himself, he got annoyed because I wasn't understanding him...in my opinion, something so trivial)...


I don't know what to do...I want to get passed this but part of me also feels that he needs to change his attitute issue because why should I deal with all of his anger if he wasn't even fair to me to begin with...


(sorry this is soooo long....I needed to vent somewhere...even if no one reads it or replies...we haven't really spoken about what happened...I still have so many questions and I haven't told him everything I just said about how I feel so this was good therapy)

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1 year ago  ::  Jun 26, 2013 - 8:28PM #234
no_more_option
Posts: 2

I hope someone can read this and give me a positive feed back as well,this is what happened,I have a long term girlfriend,we've been together for 4 yrs now,and she was looking for someone to talk to regarding this matter,what she did is she post some entries on a blogspot,during that time I wasnt aware of this yet,so what I did,I pretend to be one of the blogger then I talked to her,then she admits that she did cheated on me last year (she's not aware that she is talking to me that time) so when she went home,I told her everything that I did,then she admits it,BUT,the first time she admits it,she still lied,given the fact that she SAID that she already told me everthing,then after some times we went thru this again,then she admits it again,BUT AGAIN, SHE LIED,...its like, I already know what you did,whats the point of lying? then she said that she is telling the truth,so im confused,so I did some homework,I hacked her FB account,and all of her email adds,even her skype,everything,almost all of her social media account,then I found out everthing,but the question is,how/why/can i believe her?then after some time,we went thru this again,and by the 3rd time that she admit,I (think) she already told me everything.what happened is that she cheated on me not once,not twice but 8 times with that same person,I told her before,when we are starting our relationship that she can do anything that she want to do,BUT,dont EVER EVER cheat on me bcoz i WILL NEVER EVER FORGIVE HER,but she did,w/o thinking of what will happen on our relationship,and w/o any idea that she will be the one who will tell me her deepest secret ( coz she thought that I will never know it ) she even told me that that man cum inside her,w/o thinking that she might get pregnant with that man,while Im her BF,she said that she always want to go home to me,imagine,after having sex with another man she will tell me that she loves me and she will never leave me nor cheat on me,now im thinking IF she is already telling me the truth,feels like I have no more streght to believe in her,like I dont want to believe in her anymore,after all those lies,im having goosebumps,when I woke up im thinking of it,when im eating,when im going to sleep,worst is,Im waking at night bcoz of that,its like I cant even forget about it,even when im doing something,were still together now,but my question is,how can I move on,I never had someone who will believe on me,who will be true to me...what should I do,i just wo get over with this,Im tired,please someone give me some answer,thanks



sorry for my english


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1 year ago  ::  Jun 26, 2013 - 8:31PM #235
no_more_option
Posts: 2

I hope someone can read this and give me a positive feed back as well,this is what happened,I have a long term girlfriend,we've been together for 4 yrs now,and she was looking for someone to talk to regarding this matter,what she did is she post some entries on a blogspot,during that time I wasnt aware of this yet,so what I did,I pretend to be one of the blogger then I talked to her,then she admits that she did cheated on me last year (she's not aware that she is talking to me that time) so when she went home,I told her everything that I did,then she admits it,BUT,the first time she admits it,she still lied,given the fact that she SAID that she already told me everthing,then after some times we went thru this again,then she admits it again,BUT AGAIN, SHE LIED,...its like, I already know what you did,whats the point of lying? then she said that she is telling the truth,so im confused,so I did some homework,I hacked her FB account,and all of her email adds,even her skype,everything,almost all of her social media account,then I found out everthing,but the question is,how/why/can i believe her?then after some time,we went thru this again,and by the 3rd time that she admit,I (think) she already told me everything.what happened is that she cheated on me not once,not twice but 8 times with that same person,I told her before,when we are starting our relationship that she can do anything that she want to do,BUT,dont EVER EVER cheat on me bcoz i WILL NEVER EVER FORGIVE HER,but she did,w/o thinking of what will happen on our relationship,and w/o any idea that she will be the one who will tell me her deepest secret ( coz she thought that I will never know it ) she even told me that that man cum inside her,w/o thinking that she might get pregnant with that man,while Im her BF,she said that she always want to go home to me,imagine,after having sex with another man she will tell me that she loves me and she will never leave me nor cheat on me,now im thinking IF she is already telling me the truth,feels like I have no more streght to believe in her,like I dont want to believe in her anymore,after all those lies,im having goosebumps,when I woke up im thinking of it,when im eating,when im going to sleep,worst is,Im waking at night bcoz of that,its like I cant even forget about it,even when im doing something,were still together now,but my question is,how can I move on,I never had someone who will believe on me,who will be true to me...what should I do,i just wo get over with this,Im tired,please someone give me some answer,thanks



sorry for my english


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1 year ago  ::  Jul 02, 2013 - 9:45PM #236
REteach
Posts: 14,450

Ok, from personal experience, it is possible to get over cheating. Yes, it feels like someone reached in and yanked your heart out, but like many other injuries, the wound can heal and the scar can fade. It was in 1982 with a 2 year old and a 4 month old that my husband actually left.  He came back and we made it work. 


IMO, to heal after cheating, it is important to look at your own behavior and see what you may have done that contributed to a relationship in which cheating became possible.  Granted, the cheated upon is not always a contributing factor, but if you can't seriously look at your own behavior, you probably can't make it work. 


If you decide to make it work, you cannot use the episode of cheating as a weapon. You start fresh and let it lie.  


Make time to be together and re-establish your love.  A babysitter is cheaper than a divorce. 



Naturally cheaters are going to lie. Do you really think they are going to come home and say "whoo, whoo, what a great time I had having sex with John/Jane!" 


People who are upset in a relationship or under stress (say at work) can do assinine stuff. The question you all need to ask is "Is my spouse/SO basically a good person who did something assinine or is s/he just an ass?"  People who are basically good but did something stupid can learn and grow and become trustworthy. However, those who are basically self-centered asses are not likely to change.  


So, is this person someone you love and want to be with, basically "as is"? Or are they irritating selfish clods you are hoping will magically turn into someone loveable? That is not going to happen. 



We just celebrated our 35th anniverary.  We are going to Paris in October.  We are each other's best friend.  BUT you have to let go of your hurt and anger and self-righteousness (and I know from personal experience, that is there too) if you really want to make it work. Yes it does hurt. Yes, it is embarassing.  Ask yourself, "what is the prize?" and keep your eye on it.  Do not be a rug to be walked all over just to keep a relationship, but also don't be a bitch/bastard so that your spouse/SO decides you are not worth it either.  I think that deciding you want to make it work while realizing you can survive on your own is a good realization.  Again neither door mat nor avenging angel. 


Again, I can tell you that, yes, marriages can survive cheating and even thrive.  Whether that happens is a lot up to you though.  You need to decide.  

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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11 months ago  ::  Oct 16, 2013 - 2:42AM #237
Cut_deepwithin_mysoul
Posts: 1
Hi everyone, I thank you all for sharing. I have a question, first thing first...is showing your private to another woman over a facebook video is consider cheating?
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10 months ago  ::  Dec 08, 2013 - 5:42PM #238
REteach
Posts: 14,450

Yes, and stupid as well.  He just as well send it to his boss or the media, because that is where such pictures can and have ended up.  

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize what you heard was not what I meant...
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8 months ago  ::  Jan 15, 2014 - 7:49PM #239
Hatman
Posts: 9,634

May 20, 2013 -- 9:50PM, Pepelle wrote:

Hatman,

I have been reading this the last few days and it has been helping with the hurt.

3 days ago I found out that my husband has cheated on me a few times before we got married and tried to once just weeks after our wedding.

He swears he never slept with someone but I'm finding it hard to believe him. He says he only kissed girls at the club and never went any further than that.


First, my apologies for the long delay in response, as well as acknowledging your friend request; i took a break from this place for a good long while because it was damaging the kindness of my soul.

So his vow to "forsake all others"---not applicable, i suppose?

Our relationship has not been the best. It has been rocky. We have an 18 month old daughter together who is amazing.


i'm glad for your daughter's existence; perhaps the love for his daughter may inspire him to indeed forsake all others and remain faithful for her sake as well as your own.

I told him I don't know if I will ever be able to forgive him and the hurt is so fresh. I love him I really do but I don't know if I can ever get over this. To me cheating is cheating whether its a kiss or more.


Well...depends on the KIND of kiss, for me; if he kissed this(these?) woman/women like one kisses their mother or father, then that's one thing; if there was passion involved---even the HINT of it---i'm totally on your side.

The worst is his whole family and most of my friends knew. Everyone lied to me and I feel betrayed.


i'd feel the exact same way; in truth, there's no "feeling" about it.  You WERE betrayed, and by people who claim they love you, too!

So many people have gone through this and more and come out the other side stronger and wiser. How do I do this?


That way would vary a great deal depending on your personality and your needs; could be anything from a separation to a divorce, or just a refusal to even think about his infidelity, or counselors or therapists or anything in-between, including much prayer.

How do you forgive someone who betrayed you like this?


Forgive, but conditionally; for example, lay down the law and tell him in unmistakeable, plain language that if he ever does this again, you're leaving and not coming back, and that you'll see him in court for the child-support payments and other kinds of support, limited visitation rights and all that.  Then, if he stupidly TESTS you, follow through and DO IT, otherwise all he'll learn is that your word means squat.

How do you forget when it hurts so much?


The short answer is, "You don't."  The pain just gets easier to bear with each day he proves his faithfulness, until it fades away to a dim memory.

That said, make it clear that your forgiveness does not come easily or cheaply; both IME and from my observation, one forgiven too swiftly will simply snigger up their sleeves and resolve to not get caught "next time."

Also, assuming that he DOES repent and TRIES HARD to prove his faithfulness from this day forward, you ALSO try hard to NEVER bring up his infidelity again, nor use it as your "trump card" to "win" various arguments.

It's been so long that you probably won't see this, but perhaps the foregoing words will help someone else with a similar tale.

Warmest regards-

Hatman

"History records that the moneychangers have used every form of abuse, deceit, intrigue, and violent means possible to maintain their control over governments by controlling money and it's issuance."
-- James Madison(1751-1836), Father of the Constitution for the USA, 4th US President
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1 month ago  ::  Jul 28, 2014 - 12:49AM #240
Lonelysoul24k
Posts: 1
When i first met my girl we took it very slow our beginning was good at the peak of 3 months until she got pregnant and had a miscarriage , she was devastated i tried to be there for her at lot but then the arguing came alone we argued a lot non stop a lot it was bad we would disrespect each other we would talk over each other always bad i gave her ultimatums about her guy best friend telling her i didnt feel comfortable with him etc etc , especially knowing they dated long ago in hs but apparently remained friends for 9 years but i could not stand it , at the peak of 5 months i found out thru facebook that she cheated on me with a coworker, they kissed and flirted at work and their facebook messages were flirtious they never had sex but when i found out i was devastated the coworkers wife told me everything, she was sure nothing else happened although regardless i still felt disgusted, i left her , she kept coming back apologizing telling me she regretted she felt like i wasnt there emotionally with her she said thats no excuse but that it was a dumb mistake n she never wants to make this mistake to repeat she clearly tells me she wants to be with me forever n is willing to work hard for my trust my love n wants to build my confidence and ego up doing whatever needs to be done, i took her back.... Of course there i was cold for the reminding of the months until one day she found out me n my ex were talking n the reason why i cheated was because i felt really low after seeing thru facebook messages how she flirted with this guy it bothered me so much n i know two wrongs dont make a right but i resent wht i did because regardless i learned it wuldnt take the pain away , we have a year now n i still have a hard time letting go of the past she tells me she has done everything for me to prove me she can be a good woman shes moved in with me n wants to help me get out of where i am so we can have our own apt she wants a future with me and everything , i love her for this but why does her mistake haunt me why do i feel like im second always no matter what she does is my relationship doomed should i start with someone new or should i seek help i know im not perfect either but i just cant get over the fact how she betrayed me for that one month she was flirting with this coworker , that fact that she allowed him to touch her the way i do just gets in my mind i feel like a wimp next to her a lot off people have told me to let go but its hard i really felt like she damaged my ego for good n she cries so much because im not the same anymore n it hurts me to see her that way i wanna get better i wanna be confident i feel like i need God but i know i lve done mistakes n i dont even deserve his help but why does it hurt me so much why cant i feel the same as i did wen i first met her why cant get over this ? I want to be happy but i feel cold with her n my love is just there but mixed w fear n distrust ? Please i beg someone help me please :-(
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