He was hiding from the feds.  Apparently, after 9/11, the black vans were out looking for anybody from the Middle East who was wearing a beard.  Unlike Jesus, who looks like a Swedish tennis star, God has big bushy eyebrows, sort of like Muhammad in that cartoon nobody will show - but without the bomb-shaped headgear.  I also heard he wanted to catch a flight back to Sinai but was afraid of ending up on the Do Not Fly list, next to Ted Kennedy.  What's worse, he feared not being put on the Do Not Fly list and ending up next to Ted Haggard.

In the old days, God would have simply sent Heaven's Angels, which are technically worse than Hell's Angels because they can fly.  Plus, fire and brimstone are more annoying than bad mufflers and b.o.  But now that there are more lawyers than fallen angels, God has to consider the liability.  State Farm isn't issuing as many policies due to Global Warming.  He also feels upstaged by Santa, who doesn't get blamed when puppies die.  To make a long story short, Santa lives in Florida, where he gets satellite TV, has a $4,000 Bose home theater system (and thinks he spent too much) and complains that everything's better in Heaven. 

I asked him about the traditional proofs of his existence.  He laughed and said they're all as bogus as the Virgin Birth.  He said the only proof that really exists - beside Juliette Binoche -  is leggy blondes with perky pillows that rock the Casbah.  I was a little taken aback by his candor, but God says he does his best work stoned.  He also said the Florida cold snaps were his idea, that it was worth it to sacrifice a grove full of oranges to see blouses that "pop."  He said he'd like to see his son find a nice girl but nobody wants to date a 2,000-year-old virgin with carpal tunnel and abdominal scars.  It didn't help when the Son of God went out and got a tattoo that said, "Hot for Mary!"  Since Catholics don't believe he snagged the Mag, he's gotten a lot of hatemail from disgruntled fans who think he's ruined the phrase, "Mama's boy."

I asked him about Richard Dawkins.  He said he prefers to read Christopher Hitchens, who is a lot funnier.  He also liked that debate where Hitchens took a chunk out of Rabbi Shmuley Boteach.  God hates that guy.  He thinks RSB is the worst thing to happen to Jews since the Romans.  I thought it was an outrageous thing to say, until I tried watching Shalom in the Home.  His exact words were, "Where's Hamas when you need it?"

Irreverent!