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Switch to Forum Live View am I alone in feeling this way? is it just me?
10 years ago  ::  Jan 09, 2008 - 9:03AM #1
mom2-4Angels
Posts: 223
Maybe it is just me, but does anyone feel the way I do when you call your parent after you lose a parent, you feel "awkward"? 

I lost my dad in March of 06, and I tend to shy away from calling my mom because I feel so awkward, especially on special occasions like her birthday, annerversary...I just don't know what to say, though I know it's right to call her to see how she is doing..I know how she is doing, she is missing my dad just like the rest of us. I feel awkward saying.."hope you have a great birthday" or "how was your anneversary"..I don't want to upset her in any way. My parents where childhood sweethearts and married for 54 years, so I know the pain of her loss is more intense than mine. I had the pleasure of being blessed knowing my dad for 43 years. she was blessed in knowing him since they were 7 and 10 years old.

She is the type of mom that even though I'm 45 she still wants to hear from me, but I just dread calling her, not just on special occasions but all around.  The first time after my dad's passing I called once a week, but felt it was too emotional for me because I would sometimes get his voice on the answering machine, it sent chills up and down my spine hearing my dad's voice knowing he wasn't here now.  Also when I call I miss my mom saying.."here, want to talk to your father?" and he would clear his throat and talk to me for a bit and say "I love ya hun"...so calling her is hard.

Also when I receive cards for my birthday or any occasion (my mom is a card person) I open it and only see..Love, Mom..no more do I see Love Mom, and dad.  I get very sad over this...because it's like she just stop it because he's dead now and he doesn't need to have his name on the card.  He's still my dad.  Does this make any sense or am I just crazy?

Why is it that I'm ok with his passing and am dealing with it, it was his time to leave here, but I get upset over the small stuff like not hearing those words or seeing his name on the card?

Does anyone else share in this?  If so, have you over come it  and how did you do it.  cause I'm a 45 year old lady who cries at not seeing his name on the card or hearing my mom say.."here, want to speak to your father?".
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10 years ago  ::  Jan 09, 2008 - 6:20PM #2
val
Posts: 11
Mom.....I lost my husband , son and sister in the past 6yrs....I know that my older son had a very hard time being here at the house .....It was just too hard for him...but It made me feel like he didnt want to be around me...and maybe he didnt...I was recuperating from the accident that killed my sister and husband...I needed to feel my husbands presence around me....I kept his voice on the answering machine for probably a year...then realized my son was  hanging up so he didnt have to listen to it....I changed it....because I knew it was too hard for him....but I longed to be with my son and wanted him to feel like he could be around me.....Its been 3yrs and he does come and spend more time then before...He and his wife go on vacation with me and his younger brother....I know its hard...and the sadness will always be there....When you mentioned the cards I had to smile....after my son died I would always sign his name Love Adam From Above...and then when my husband died I would list those of us still here and then He and Adam would have Love from above under their name.....It meant a lot to family that was grieving the loss in a different way....I hope that helps :0)
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10 years ago  ::  Jan 10, 2008 - 8:46PM #3
armymom1959
Posts: 13
I am so sorry ...maybe on her Anniversary you could just say mama I just wanted to call and say I love you..I know when my mother in law was alive and my father in law passed away it would upset her that her kids wouldnt call and at least say something to her on their anniversary..she said even tho he has passed it is still our anniversary..just a thought..sending prayers and hugs.
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10 years ago  ::  Jan 21, 2008 - 12:51PM #4
mymariea
Posts: 6
[QUOTE=mom2-4Angels;200072]Maybe it is just me, but does anyone feel the way I do when you call your parent after you lose a parent, you feel "awkward"? 

I lost my dad in March of 06, and I tend to shy away from calling my mom because I feel so awkward, especially on special occasions like her birthday, annerversary...I just don't know what to say, though I know it's right to call her to see how she is doing..I know how she is doing, she is missing my dad just like the rest of us. I feel awkward saying.."hope you have a great birthday" or "how was your anneversary"..I don't want to upset her in any way. My parents where childhood sweethearts and married for 54 years, so I know the pain of her loss is more intense than mine. I had the pleasure of being blessed knowing my dad for 43 years. she was blessed in knowing him since they were 7 and 10 years old.

She is the type of mom that even though I'm 45 she still wants to hear from me, but I just dread calling her, not just on special occasions but all around.  The first time after my dad's passing I called once a week, but felt it was too emotional for me because I would sometimes get his voice on the answering machine, it sent chills up and down my spine hearing my dad's voice knowing he wasn't here now.  Also when I call I miss my mom saying.."here, want to talk to your father?" and he would clear his throat and talk to me for a bit and say "I love ya hun"...so calling her is hard.

Also when I receive cards for my birthday or any occasion (my mom is a card person) I open it and only see..Love, Mom..no more do I see Love Mom, and dad.  I get very sad over this...because it's like she just stop it because he's dead now and he doesn't need to have his name on the card.  He's still my dad.  Does this make any sense or am I just crazy?

Why is it that I'm ok with his passing and am dealing with it, it was his time to leave here, but I get upset over the small stuff like not hearing those words or seeing his name on the card?

Does anyone else share in this?  If so, have you over come it  and how did you do it.  cause I'm a 45 year old lady who cries at not seeing his name on the card or hearing my mom say.."here, want to speak to your father?".[/QUOTE]
You are NOT crazy!!!  It's been four years since losing my dad, and it still hurts lkie it were yesterday!  My mom and dad divorced several years before he passed, so I guess it is alittle bit different, but the pain of losing my father, the sound of his voice,the twinkle you would see in his eye when he smiled,the feel of his strong arms when I needed a hug, or the soft moments when I just needed him to listen,... you never get over losing that.  My mom and i have never really been close so yeah Its hard to turn to her, she's not him and could never comfort me the way having my dad around did.  Now when I'm around my mom I think of my dad more and how he loved me unconditionally, I wish she could, and that i could feel comfort from her.  I'm sorry for yours and your mothers loss, May God be with you and help you both find solace and peace, and help you to heal.
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10 years ago  ::  Jan 21, 2008 - 12:51PM #5
mymariea
Posts: 6
[QUOTE=mom2-4Angels;200072]Maybe it is just me, but does anyone feel the way I do when you call your parent after you lose a parent, you feel "awkward"? 

I lost my dad in March of 06, and I tend to shy away from calling my mom because I feel so awkward, especially on special occasions like her birthday, annerversary...I just don't know what to say, though I know it's right to call her to see how she is doing..I know how she is doing, she is missing my dad just like the rest of us. I feel awkward saying.."hope you have a great birthday" or "how was your anneversary"..I don't want to upset her in any way. My parents where childhood sweethearts and married for 54 years, so I know the pain of her loss is more intense than mine. I had the pleasure of being blessed knowing my dad for 43 years. she was blessed in knowing him since they were 7 and 10 years old.

She is the type of mom that even though I'm 45 she still wants to hear from me, but I just dread calling her, not just on special occasions but all around.  The first time after my dad's passing I called once a week, but felt it was too emotional for me because I would sometimes get his voice on the answering machine, it sent chills up and down my spine hearing my dad's voice knowing he wasn't here now.  Also when I call I miss my mom saying.."here, want to talk to your father?" and he would clear his throat and talk to me for a bit and say "I love ya hun"...so calling her is hard.

Also when I receive cards for my birthday or any occasion (my mom is a card person) I open it and only see..Love, Mom..no more do I see Love Mom, and dad.  I get very sad over this...because it's like she just stop it because he's dead now and he doesn't need to have his name on the card.  He's still my dad.  Does this make any sense or am I just crazy?

Why is it that I'm ok with his passing and am dealing with it, it was his time to leave here, but I get upset over the small stuff like not hearing those words or seeing his name on the card?

Does anyone else share in this?  If so, have you over come it  and how did you do it.  cause I'm a 45 year old lady who cries at not seeing his name on the card or hearing my mom say.."here, want to speak to your father?".[/QUOTE]
You are NOT crazy!!!  It's been four years since losing my dad, and it still hurts lkie it were yesterday!  My mom and dad divorced several years before he passed, so I guess it is alittle bit different, but the pain of losing my father, the sound of his voice,the twinkle you would see in his eye when he smiled,the feel of his strong arms when I needed a hug, or the soft moments when I just needed him to listen,... you never get over losing that.  My mom and i have never really been close so yeah Its hard to turn to her, she's not him and could never comfort me the way having my dad around did.  Now when I'm around my mom I think of my dad more and how he loved me unconditionally, I wish she could, and that i could feel comfort from her.  I'm sorry for yours and your mothers loss, May God be with you and help you both find solace and peace, and help you to heal.
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5 years ago  ::  Dec 02, 2012 - 2:33PM #6
Mrsmilton
Posts: 13

Thank you for sharing your stories. I understand now that other family members feel awkward after the death of a love one. He was my son, he had sister, a child under 2years old. He was only 20 years old himself. It's only been months. What a jouney!

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5 years ago  ::  Dec 03, 2012 - 10:25PM #7
karbie
Posts: 3,329

I don't think that grief has any rules anymore--but I think the customs where everyone understood to cut grieving family some slack for a year were a lot healthier than today when employers expect people who have just undergone a tragedy back at work, ready to go in 3 days. That's about as barbaric as you can get. No one can deal with that amount of pain in the blink of an eye, and no one should be required to.


No one is entitled to any details you don't feel like sharing--especially when the person seems more concerned with gossip than in offering comfort. People who care about you will understand when you tell them you can't talk about it yet. there's a group here for people who have lost loved ones, and there are usually support groups in real life for parents who have lost a child when you feel up to it.

"You are letting your opinion be colored by facts again."
'When I want your opinion, I'll give it to you."
these are both from my father.
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5 years ago  ::  Dec 04, 2012 - 12:32AM #8
Mrsmilton
Posts: 13

Thank you,


I am in pieces some moments and other moments I use the TV to take my mind away.

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