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Switch to Forum Live View Preteen sex play - normal, but disturbing
6 years ago  ::  Jul 30, 2008 - 10:43PM #1
ChanceG
Posts: 5
I'm not sleeping, not eating. Yesterday some long time friends came over to let us know in a non accusatory manner that my son and their son were acting out sexually. My kid was 'dominant' (suggesting it) but not coersive... anyway.

Long story short - three separate therapists I spoke to today indicated that it sounds normal and not to worry. We are, however, having him evaluated anyway to make certain that there isn't something going on we do not know about.

Sleepovers at houses with friends who have older siblings, homes with mature video games, movies. Where is he getting this? He still sleeps with a stuffed toy! I know some of his friends say some pretty shocking things at this age, even if they don't understand it. I can't figure out how kids come up with these words and actions without modelling. One therapist, a friend, said I was naive and to simply watch the commercials during the next ballgame I watch with my son.

I'm pretty liberal socially, and I'm told m-m sex play is typical but I have to say that if this behavior 'gets out' I can't help but fear the ostracism as he enters his middle school years. I'm really scared for him, he doesn't seem to get the gravity of the situation - although, again, these therapists would essentially say, 'what situation'?

Here's my issue... I'm seemingly more concerned about his social stigma than the (likely remote) possibility he's been exposed to this through modelled behavior or abuse. Is that wrong? I know that as parents we tie ourselves up in our kids too much and I fear that my concern is actually transference about what others would think of me/us.

How do I accept that something that seems so awful is normal? How do I address the parents of the other child? (The boys are separated for now) How do I deal with other parents who may learn about it? "Yeah, its disturbing, but the pros say its normal."?

I'm struggling with my own feelings with this, how to address it with my son (I've been advised to simply drop it with him), even trying to determine the reason for my utter despondence regardless of the kind reassurances from professionals.

I'm not even certain what to say when I pray.
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 31, 2008 - 10:16AM #2
Tmarie64
Posts: 5,277
Sis hit the nail right on the head.
He did nothing wrong and you are punishing him for no good reason.
Would you be so upset and taking him to a shrink if it had been a GIRL?
James Thurber - "It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers."
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 31, 2008 - 1:16PM #3
ChanceG
Posts: 5
[QUOTE=Tmarie64;659774]Sis hit the nail right on the head.
He did nothing wrong and you are punishing him for no good reason.
Would you be so upset and taking him to a shrink if it had been a GIRL?[/QUOTE]
Thanks for the responses. TMarie, I honestly believe that I am not -so much- concerned about the b2b element, as at this age they've little exposure to girls... and I am WAAAY happier that it happened with this familiar boy than with the girls that just moved in nearby, simply due to the neighbor/social/even legal implications (I sweat the stories of cops involved in these types of incidents). Frankly, I understand it isn't a gender preference issue at this age... and even if it falls that way one day, my point is that I'd prefer - for his own well-being - that he keep those desires to himself through high school. Sorry if that sounds old fashioned, I just don't think he needs to add the additional peer issues upon himself sooner than necessary.

My issue is perhaps my own shame that this occurred at all - American puritanism rearing its ugly head. How do I face the neighbors? What do I say? How do we interact?
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 31, 2008 - 4:46PM #4
Tmarie64
Posts: 5,277
If the people involved are not angry... What's the problem?
If you act as if this is something shameful he will sneak around and you will never know what he's doing. 
Your problems should not become his.  Again, if you act as if he should be ashamed you will cause him to turn away from you.  He needs his parents, esp. now going into middle and high school.  It's normal, that means most normal kids do it.   He's a normal kid.  Stop with the therapists, or you're going to turn him away.
James Thurber - "It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers."
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6 years ago  ::  Jul 31, 2008 - 6:28PM #5
ChanceG
Posts: 5
Well welcome to my head!

I've often said about myself that what I know intellectually doesn't often make it to my emotions. My kid is normal, I feel as if its a problem. I've money in the bank, but I feel like I'm falling behind. I'm well liked and respected, but feel like a fraud, and so forth. All excellent posts for other forums! But it does underscore that the issue is mine and mine alone... and assuming the therapist concurs (sorry, but he plays with mostly kids with older siblings and we want to be certain) I'll learn to put it in the past. I sure hope the other family gets the same feedback, though, not only to noormalize relations somewhat but to put their mind at ease as well.
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6 years ago  ::  Aug 01, 2008 - 1:10PM #6
windwizard
Posts: 748
Chance,
Once I read through your post I noticed you did not mention how old your son is. [ or I simply missed where it is mentioned??]
In any event I would be of the thought that providing he is younger than 10 it would be simply a curiousity  that children in this age range might indeed experience.  I can see where the idea of fear might creep in as the parent, yet, I would be lead to the more realistic approach of simply a need to know type of situation rather than one of pure sexual enjoyment either of the boys might be sensing.                                                                             
'How might I deal with this as a parent?'
......in the same fashon as you did my dear! I would check it out with a few who actually work with young children in this way and then if told it were indeed normal behavour  I would allow the boys to continue playing together once I spoke with my son.  Now of course I also agree that this might be a very good opportunity to talk on the idea of masturbation with your son as well.  This way the door to open conversation between the two of you with respect to sex would then be open for future reference as well.  Do not suggest there is anything dirty or wrong in his actions though for this could alter his sexual well being for the rest of his life. 

It does appear that you are a mother who places her sons best interest first and foremost and that my dear certainaly indicates to me that  he is well nutured and taken care of and that is what parenting really is all about.
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6 years ago  ::  Aug 01, 2008 - 1:25PM #7
Tmarie64
Posts: 5,277
Supposedly THREE therapists have told her it's normal.  She's still in a tizzy over it, still gonna take HIM to one.  That's not what parenting is about.
It's not about making him feel he needs a shrink because he and a friend were playing the "Hey, look what I can do now" game.
James Thurber - "It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers."
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6 years ago  ::  Aug 01, 2008 - 1:38PM #8
windwizard
Posts: 748
Chance
Please do not visit your emotional insercurities upon your son.  That could be determental to his well being.  Reconsider this thought of the therapist for your son, in this respect as a mother I can tell you it is a certain setup for a huge let down should you follow through with the appt.
Take an evening and reconsider.
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6 years ago  ::  Aug 01, 2008 - 1:47PM #9
Tmarie64
Posts: 5,277
WW is right.  Think about what you would do if your mom caught you touching yourself and took you to a therapist to "cure" you.....
How awful would you feel about yourself, sex, everything after that?
James Thurber - "It is better to know some of the questions than all of the answers."
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6 years ago  ::  Aug 01, 2008 - 1:58PM #10
soblessed3
Posts: 205
I had to laugh when I read this. I played when I was five just because it was mine and I wanted to. Don't make a big deal out of it or you will make him a wreck. Just tell him to do it in his room or locked in the bathroom.
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