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Sunday, October 23, 2011, 12:39 AM
In just the last month I have let go of three relationships that are unhealthy for me. Good choice for me right? Right? But in doing so, I had to hurt the people that I was leacing behind. Mired in their own stuff, they were unable, for many different reasons, to understand why I had to move on. Two actually pleaded with me to continue our relationships. And I know this is the right choice, all those I trust around me are in agreement.
So why is it so hard? I dont' let go. I still know almost everyone who was significant in my life: the people who lived next door when I was a child, friends from grande school, junior high and high school. Friends from places I used to live. Friends and family of friends and family. If you touched my life, you are in it for life.
And sometimes this is god. I think its good that people feel that comforatble wit me. The problem is, when things are unhealthy and its time to move on, I dont know how. Wiht one guy I had to actually change my phone number.
And it breaks my heart to hurt these people but there behavior is not healthy for me. I know this, yet every day I have to fight a desire to call them, to interact and try again, to make the lose okay for them.
Why? Can anyone explain this to me? Why can't I let go and why must I make everyone feel good, even if being with them does not make me feel good? ANy comments are welcome.
Monday, September 26, 2011, 11:32 PM
Sometimes this journey I am on seems very difficult. Tonight I had some quiet alone time and was reflecting on some things and realized that for the past month or so (forty days?) I have been wandering around in the wilderness again. After my parnter (ex)? went to the hospital the last time, i pretty much just stopped practicing my self care. my eating habits have gone to hell, i've gained my weight back and I am back on the caffeine fuill time. I caught myself in a terrible old selfdefeating pattern and ended up haing to run from myself and some situations, made some amends etc. I am so upset with myself for being here again.
Why is it that for a period of time I can practice sush a great amount of self-car and reap the benefits and yet then turn my back and walk away. There is not s single area of my life right now that feels in balance. The scary thing is that I knew this before today and keep making promises to myself but not changing anything.
So , the question is, what do I do now. How is tomorrow going to be any different from today? How am I going to get back into caring for myself and get myself out of this trap I am not caught in becuase I am clinging to the wrong things out of fear.
Tongiht I will pray and mediate about it. My monring starts with work but after work I have to find a way, begin again, even if it is a small baby step.
ANy suggestions are welcome.
Thursday, September 15, 2011, 10:29 PM
For the last week I have been gone from my home, interacting with lots of different people and doiing lots of different things. The week ended with coming howm and working a full shift and work abe being actually quite tired.
Usually I love my alone time and use it to regenerate. Today though, it just feels very silent and very empty. It makes me realize that by ending my relationship more of my time will be spent in this silence then in the compnay of others now. That, at the moment, seem daunting. What will I do to fill my alone time. I have stopped watching tv and am trying to do less internet time. Reading is good but stll a very solitary activity.
But I know that, as the quote I took from Me before we :
"Better to be compainionless than with others that take away from how grat I feel about me, whether this refers to family, friends or a man."
it is better for me to be alone that in a relationship that is not healthy for me. Still I wonder and fear if I let go off what I have now, will I be alone forever. I say with much bravado that I dont care if i am, but I know that at least one part of me does care. And i know that it would be hard, but I could recover the relationship I am in the process of letting go and that for awhile, it would sooth my heart.
I just wish I was not alone right now. Must be time to pray.
Sunday, September 4, 2011, 11:11 AM
On the 2nd, I was driving my truck to my friends house to get him to finish doing some repairs on it. On the way down my water pump went out. He help dme baby it to his house where he put in a new water pump and fixed a valve that was not opening and closing correctly. Besides paying for parts (and having to suck on a car part, something I would of sworn i would never do) it didnt cost me a time.
In fact, it was my friends birthday and I spent it with him and his wife. We had a few mixed drinks (my first in three years) and had a really good time just laughing and joking. I ended up crashing in thier spare bedroom because I did not want to drink and drive.
All this brought a point home to me though,. My friends, not only these two but in general, are looking out for me more than my partner. He was put out when he thought he might have to come get me when I broke down. My friends reaction, "I'll be right there." My "partner" loaned me 200.00 to fix my truck and when that wasnt enough, refused to give me anymore. here came my friend who completed all the work for parts plus 50.00, that I did not have to pay upfront, and when the fuel pump went out, fixed it free except for parts.
Many other expeirences like that are happening to me. It becomes clearer each day that the relationship I am in is not a true "partnership". Now comes to work of untangeling ourselves and getting free.
Sunday, September 4, 2011, 11:00 AM
Yesterday I gave a party for my father who is turning 90 yeas old. As is my way, I worried a lot about the event. I got hardly any RSVPS (yes or no) and didnt have any idea who was coming. When I woke up yesterday my father said he was not feeling well and didnt want to drive to my aunts about and hour away. I went to pick up the cake I had ordered for him a month before and instead of my big sheet cake, there was a small cake made out of cupcakes! Not the best start for the event.
But I kept a good attitude and a sense of humor and we moved forward. I gave dad his meds and the pain pills let him feel better about traveling. The cupcake cake turned out to be the easierst cake I ever served and the next one I buy is likely to be the same.
I was amazed by the event itself. We had it at my autn and uncles house who have now been married 54!! years. %$, I am not even that old. They are two of hte loveliest people I know. Two of my friends came to support me. That was so nice too. The first was my best friend of 25 years, a sister almost, and her llittle boy. The other was a new friend, who I am just gettting to know, but it was very nice and he fit right in. He s=was still there talking to my family after I left.
5 of my dad's grandchildren came, along with some of their spouses and children. Two of dad's great, great grandchildren were there. Also included were my ex-sister in law, my ex-son-in-law and my son's baby mama and her son. We all had a wondeful time sharing stories not only about my mom and dad but other great ememories too.
I discovered that three of the older women in my family have lots of stories, not just about my mom but about my birth mother too. I cant wait to go down and visit with them and get some more stories.
In many ways this was a gift more to me than Dad. I walked away from my extended family many years ago becasause of issues like lcohol and drug abuse and child abuse. What I forgot to take into account is the idea thatthey too rew and changed and aged.. All the things I was avoiding are gone now. Most of the next generation is a lot healthier. I need to grab this gift of famlily while I can , while they are still around.
I cant find the words to really explain the joy I am still feeling from it. I got to see family members I love but have not seen in a long time. I got to know a new friend a little. I got the gift of seeing my nephew Bob, who i love and admire and meet his new wife, all the way from the other side of the state. And he brought picutres of my mother and his father (both deceased) and I got to run down to the local store and make copies of them. :)
So after all my worrying, the day turned out better than I dreamed. Another lesson in trusting God. Thank You God!
Wednesday, August 31, 2011, 12:14 PM
This week has been a big lesson in freedom for me. FIrst, in a simple way. I went and got my truck from the friend who had been repairing it. By having my own vehilce agian, I am free to do all the things that my partner chooses not to do with me.
But more important is what I learned with my friend. I sat at my best and most long suffering freidns home, whining on about how I was stuck in my life, especially in my relationship. She tried making a few suggestions that of coures, stuck in my self impossed misery, I didnt accept. Good friend that she is , she allowed me to continue on until I was done and ready to open a little more to her, and to the Universe.
And she put in bluntly. She saiid, " Your complaining about beign stuck, but the only one keeping you stuck is you. I have known you for a long time and all the decisons that are made in your house, you make. So if you need to make changes, you just need to make the decision to do it."
My first impulse, as it often is, was to argue with her. But years of trust and mutal self-dosclosure had taught me to listen even when I don't want to . And I did. And she was right. I am the only one who can make the choices I need to make, and I do very much need to make them.
So, i let go of my victim stance and became empowered again. I began to do the things I need to do, even dealing with some things I put off. A few of the things I want to do with take some time, I have things I must do before I can made those deep changes. Howver, now I know I am FREE to make those change, free to take the actions to make the life I desire.
Thank you friend.
Monday, August 29, 2011, 12:08 AM
Sometimes I forget God is God, and then GOd moves in my life and I am reminded. So many blessings today.
First, I kind of grumpily and sleeply got out of bed and went to my UU church this morning. I was rewarded by yet another UU women welcomind me and sitting with me. And the speaker, well it was so good. She was funny, she made me cry, she made me think and she entertianed. She spoke on caregiving but did it in the storyteller fashion and I loved it. I felt so renewed by it. And she dared speak not only the word God but Jesus and I would love to know the shock wave that sent around.
Later in the day I was reminded agian that God answers prayer. I prayed so earnestly for friendhsip in my life and it just keeps coming. Spoke to , visted with and made plans with friends today both some of my oldest and my very newest. Found a like minded older woman (a specific prayer) in the oddest place, my small little home town. Cant wait to meet her face to face.
As I have said before , I am preparing to make changes in my life, and I thank God for all the people he is putting in my life during this preperation time.
Sunday, August 28, 2011, 12:56 PM
LOL, I found this today and I could have written it. by Christine Arylo in Choosing me over we:
"While I was with him, the thought of being without this guy was far more painful than experiencing a little unhappiness or some unfulfilled dreams, and I was willing to pay this price. In exchange, for an unsatisfying relationship, I had a man by my side to help me feel safe, loved and cared for, which I didn't know how to do on my own. Our relationship became a hole stuffer for the intense yearning I had for unconditional affection and love, which is ironic because I never recieved either from him."
Sunday, August 28, 2011, 11:42 AM
I entered my fiftieth year determined to make changes in my life. Anyone who really know me, knows how much i have thought, dreamed, planned and worked to begin to put new behaviors and activities into my life. Ones that I believe that are inline with who I am authentically.
Then some issues, always there but usually ignored, raised their ugly head. I have to take a logn, honest look at the relationship I am in (and the pattern it represents) and make a decision to stay or go. I know what those around me believe, that I need to leave, that i will never fully become who I am meant to be unless I let go of my dependancy on this less than healthy relationship.
Two thoughts accure to me there though. The first is that it is easy for them to say from the outside. My partner has cancer, leaving him will reguire an emotional toughness that I am not sure I possess. Howver, at the same time. I know some of his behavior is not acceptable. (no he is not physically abusive, we wouldn't even be having this conversation). However, the last time I went to him with problems , he made a clear effor to change (although some of these changes have not remained).
The second is that I am not going to make this a crisis. I dont have to make a decision overnight, I dont have to throw him out in soeme crushing scene. I can explore what is keeping me here (guilt and fear?) and why I dont move forward. I can begin to build a strong support system and I can tackle some of the issues I will have if we do split like how do I handle finances without him, who will do my "man"things like mowing my yard and repairing my computer.
I have let a lot of my self care slip. That is step one, to put back together all of the things that I know I need to do to care for myself. Again, today is the first day of the rest of my life.
Also, I am going to recommit to once a week counseling until I am through this.
I would love feedback if anyone reads this who has been through the same thing.
Thursday, August 25, 2011, 9:37 PM
Well this commitment I just made to myself is going to be harder than I thought. I read the next small part of the book and then immiedatly, upon finding more questions, startign looking for things to distract myself. Wow, what is it I am so afraid of finding? am I still afraid that if I look too closely that i won't like what I will find. Do I still beleive on some level that I am somehow flawed and somehow no fully loveable. I think the answer is yes.
I am afraid to go deep and look at my shadow self. I certainly have done things that I am not proud of, things that I dont share with anyone. I am no longer doign (most) thigns like that , yet I am not good, not pure.
But then what does that even mean? Who is good and pure? Why must I meet the standard of perfection that I do not hold anyone else to. Recently a friend challanged me on the fact I never fully abandon anyone, not matter how horrible their "crime" because I am afraid of others doing that very thing to me. HMM
Okay now that i vernted that, on to the questions. What unhealthy realtionshjops am I in now. Most of them. Only one realtionship in my life is truly honest and i am not sure that any are turly healthy, though some are more than others.I am in a realtionship now that I know is one of codpendancy on both parts, thats seems to be alternatively wonderful and terrible and yet we both hang on for dear life. And we cant communicate about nealry anything espcially the realtionship, my father, and money.
I am not following my life I want. I am letting a million things stop me. I need to commit to something and get back on track.
Okay, today I will : journal honeslty dailly, do somesort of healthy exercise and prioritize my time in a way that feels good not just busy.