Well this commitment I just made to myself is going to be harder than I thought. I read the next small part of the book and then immiedatly, upon finding more questions, startign looking for things to distract myself. Wow, what is it I am so afraid of finding? am I still afraid that if I look too closely that i won't like what I will find. Do I still beleive on some level that I am somehow flawed and somehow no fully loveable. I think the answer is yes.
I am afraid to go deep and look at my shadow self. I certainly have done things that I am not proud of, things that I dont share with anyone. I am no longer doign (most) thigns like that , yet I am not good, not pure.
But then what does that even mean? Who is good and pure? Why must I meet the standard of perfection that I do not hold anyone else to. Recently a friend challanged me on the fact I never fully abandon anyone, not matter how horrible their "crime" because I am afraid of others doing that very thing to me. HMM
Okay now that i vernted that, on to the questions. What unhealthy realtionshjops am I in now. Most of them. Only one realtionship in my life is truly honest and i am not sure that any are turly healthy, though some are more than others.I am in a realtionship now that I know is one of codpendancy on both parts, thats seems to be alternatively wonderful and terrible and yet we both hang on for dear life. And we cant communicate about nealry anything espcially the realtionship, my father, and money.
I am not following my life I want. I am letting a million things stop me. I need to commit to something and get back on track.
Okay, today I will : journal honeslty dailly, do somesort of healthy exercise and prioritize my time in a way that feels good not just busy.