A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you.
Take the last parachute and live in peace." The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in talking about it. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady, and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD. GOD I NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!"
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD."
The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Aha! I told you there was no Lord. I bought those groceries, God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and said, "PRAISE THE LORD. He not only sent me groceries, but He made the devil pay for them. Praise the Lord!"
A few nights ago a peculiar thing happened. An electrical storm caused a blackout in our neighbourhood. When the lights went out, I felt my way through the darkness into the storage closet where we keep the candles for nights like this. Through the glow of a lit match I looked up on the shelf where the candles were stored. There they were, already positioned in their stands, melted to various degrees by previous missions. I took my match and lit four of them.
How they illuminated the storage room! What had been a veil of blackness suddenly radiated with soft, golden light! I could see the freezer I had just bumped with my knee. And I could see my tools that needed to be straightened.
“How great it is to have light!” I said out loud, and then spoke to the candles. “If you do such a good job here in the storage closet, just wait till I get you out of where you’re really needed! I’ll put one of you on my table so we can eat. I’ll put one of you on my desk so I can read. I’ll give one of you to Denalyn so she can cross- stitch. And I’ll set you”, I took down the largest one, ” in the living room where you can light up the whole area,” (I felt a bit foolish talking to candles – but what do you do when the lights go out?)
I was turning to leave with the large candle in my hand when I heard a voice, ” Now, hold it right there.”
I stopped. Somebody’s in here! I thought. then I relaxed. It’s just Denalyn, teasing me for talking to the candles.
“OK, honey, cut the kidding,” I said in the semi-darkness. No answer. Hmmm,maybe it was the wind. I took another step. “Hold it, I said!” There was that voice again. My hands began to sweat.
“Who said that?”
“I did.” The voice was near my hand.
“Who are you? What are you?”
“I’m a candle.” I looked at the candle I was holding. It was burning a strong, golden flame. It was red and sat on a heavy wooden candle holder that had a firm handle.
I looked around once more to see if the voice could be coming from another source. “There’s no one here but you, me and the rest of the candles,” the voice informed me.
I lifted up the candle to take a closer look. You won’t believe what I saw. There was a tiny face in the wax. (I told you you wouldn’t believe me.) Not just a wax face that someone had carved, but a moving, functioning, fleshlike face full of expression and life.
“Don’t take me out of here!”
“I said, don’t take me out of this room.”
“What do you mean? I have to take you out. You’re a candle. Your job is to give light. It’s dark out there. People are stubbing their toes and walking into walls. You have to come out and light up the place!”
“But you can’t take me out. I’m not ready,: the candle explained with pleading eyes. “I need more preparation.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. “More preparation?”
“Yeah, I’ve decided I need to research this job of light-giving so I won’t go out and make a bunch of mistakes. You’d be surprised how distorted the glow of an untrained candle can be. So I’m doing some studying. I just finished a book on wind resistance. I’m in the middle of a great series of tapes on wick build-up and conservation – I’m reading the new best seller on flame display. Have you heard of it?
“No,” I answered.
“You might like it. It’s called Waxing Eloquently”.
“That really sounds inter–” I caught myself. What am I doing? I’m in here conversing with a candle while my wife and daughters are out there in the darkness!
“All right then,” I said. “You’re not the only candle on the shelf. I’ll blow you out and take the others!”
But just as I got my cheeks full of air, I heard other voices. “We’re not going either!”
It was a conspiracy. I turned around and looked at the three other candles; each with flames dancing above a miniature face.
I was beyond feeling awkward about talking to candles. I was getting miffed.
“You are candles and your job is to light dark places!”
“Well, that may be what you think,” said the candle on the far left – a long thin fellow with a goatee and British accent. “You may think we have to go, but I’m busy.”
“Yes, I’m meditating.”
“What? A candle that meditates?”
“Yes. I’m meditating on the importance of light. It’s really enlighting.”
I decided to reason with them. “Listen, I appreciate what you guys are doing. I’m all for meditation time. And everyone needs to study and research; but for goodness’ sake, you guys have been here for weeks! Haven’t you had enough time to get your wick on straight?”
“And you other two,” I asked, “are you going to stay in here as well?”
A short, fat, purple candle with plump cheeks that reminded me of Santa Claus spoke up. “I’m waiting to get my life together. I’m not stable enough. I lose my temper easily. I guess you could say that I’m a hothead.”
The last candle had a female voice, very pleasant to the ear. “I’d like to help,” she explained,”but lighting the darkness is not my gift.”
All this was sounding too familiar. “Not your gift?” What do you mean?”
“Well, I’m a singer. I sing to other candles to encourage them to burn more brightly.” Without asking my permission, she began a rendition of “This Little Light of Mine.” (I have to admit, she had a good voice.)
The other three joined in, filling the storage room with singing. “Hey, I shouted above the music, “I don’t mind if you sing while you work! In fact, we could use a little music out there!”
They didn’t hear me. They were singing too loudly. I yelled louder. “Come on, you guys. There’s plenty of time for this later. We’ve got a crisis on our hands.”
They wouldn’t stop. I put the big candle on the shelf and took a step back and considered the absurdity of it all. Four perfectly healthy candles singing to each other about light but refusing to come out of the closet. I had all I could take. One by one I blew them out. They kept singing to the end. The last one to flicker was the female. I snuffed her out right in the “puff” part of “Won’t let Satan puff me out.”
I stuck my hands in my pockets and walked back out into the darkness. I bumped my knee on the same freezer. Then I bumped into my wife.
“Where are the candles?” she asked.
“They don’t….they won’t work. Where did you buy those candles anyway?”
“Oh, they’re church candles. Remember the church that closed down across the town? I bought them there.”
Then I understood.
A catholic boy and Church of England boy were trying
to score off each other. "My priest knows more than
your Vicar." Said the first boy.
"Yeah that's because you're stupid enough to tell him
everything!" Replied the second.
1. My mother taught me TO APPECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you are going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finish
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you
into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why
5. My mother taught me more LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,
you're not going to the store with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clear underwear in case
you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the SCIENCE of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there till you eat all that spinach."
11. My mother taught me about the WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks like a tornado went
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I told you a thousand times.
13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you in this world and I can take you out!"
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father.
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of children in the world who don't have
wonderful parents like you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait till we get home!"
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when we get home!"
18. My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are
going to freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when
you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cut off your toes, don't come
running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you will never grow
22. My mother taught me GENETICS
"You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were
born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me about WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
25. My favorite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out
just like you.
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