1. My mother taught me TO APPECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you are going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finish

cleaning

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you

into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

"Because I said so, that's why

5. My mother taught me more LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck,

you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clear underwear in case

you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the SCIENCE of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there till you eat all that spinach."

11. My mother taught me about the WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks like a tornado went

through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I told you a thousand times.

Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you in this world and I can take you out!"

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father.

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of children in the world who don't have

wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait till we get home!"

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it when we get home!"

18. My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are

going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when

you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOUR.

"When that lawn mower cut off your toes, don't come

running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you will never grow

up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were

born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me about WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. My favorite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out

just like you.

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty.

He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when  he heard a loud voice say: “Jesus is watching you!”

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

“Jesus is watching you,” the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all  around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a  parrot.

He asked the parrot: “Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?”

“Yes,” said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: “What’s your  name?”

“Clarence,” said the bird.

“That’s a dumb name for a parrot,” sneered the burglar. “What idiot named you  Clarence?”

The parrot said, “The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus.”

 Here's what I've discovered:

I started out with nothing, I still have most of it.

My wild oats have turned to prunes and All Bran.

I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

I wish the buck stopped here. I sure could use a few ...

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been

anywhere.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're

in the bathroom.

When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone

decide to play chess?

It's not hard to meet expenses ... they're everywhere.

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them

on my knees.